Sometimes Wrong is Just Wrong

The state of Connecticut has the greatest disparity on standardized test scores between African Americans and Caucasian students.  So a homeless mother, wanting her son to have a chance - she uses her babysitters address enabling her son to enroll in Norwood Academy.  Norwood Academy has fine test scores.  It is a predominantly white school.  The Academy is in a predominantly white community.  From September, the first grade boy attended the Academy.  Then the babysitter was evicted. She was evicted for having more people living in her apartment than her lease allowed.  Of course that wasn't the case - the Mom was only using the address for the betterment of her son's education.  When the school found out they asked the mother to take her child out of the school.  When she did not do that, they expelled her son.  The mother was arrested for Grand Theft Larceny.  She faces 20 years in prison and a fine of up to $25,000 dollars.  The Mother now lives in a van.  Her son is staying with relatives in Bridgeport.  I am not sure, however I believe Bridgeport to be an upper class neighborhood.  Upon her arrest the mother was told if she had identified herself as homeless her son would have been allowed to enroll in any school.  Technically she broke the law - technically that is.  What parent would not do the same? Every parent wants their child to have a better life.  It is in the parental genetic code.  The Mom is not an angel.  She has other criminal charges against her for drug possession with intent to sell.  So she might not win mother of the year.  In her own cycle of crime and failure she still found a way for her son to have a better opportunity.  For this she faces more jail time than for the drug charges.  It has been my assertion a school is just a building, it is the teacher in the classroom whom makes the difference.  In the lowest socio-economic neighborhoods you may fine the greatest of teachers.  Often times you will find lousy teachers with tenure who don't even pretend to teach.  It is the argument often used against unions.  It is a valid argument.  In the case of this woman - REALLY? Is there so little crime in Connecticut, they have time to prosecute this woman? Fraud, larceny, please - she was trying to give her son a chance.  Perhaps she knew her time out of jail was fleeting.  Perhaps she wanted to open doors for her child - Perhaps she was using the system which was denying her son the best educational opportunity - the one he deserved.  The education all our children deserve! Where is the outrage? The past week, our media has been filled with stories of Donald Trump's proof of idiocy and the Royal Wedding.  One is amusing the other, OK, so they got married.  Where has this story been buried.  Where is Al Sharpton when there is real discrimination taking place? How in the world are we going to fix our education system? Opportunity should be the same for everyone.  Every school must offer quality education for every child.  That is not so.  Can anyone tell me why? First, we need to get politicians out of the way - we need to place proven educators in charge of our education system.  We need individuals in neighborhoods, in school, on the streets - people who will advocate for every child.  We need to develop an level playing field, no matter where the school, we must hold every teacher to certain minimal standards.  Not standardized tests; they prove nothing.  They are neither valid or reliable.  Of all the assembled committees in Washington, where is the education committee? Who is on it - I have to look into that. So this Mom is going to do jail time.  Her son will go to whatever school is within the parameters of his new residence, and none of it makes a lick of sense.  This story was in the BBC news, a small piece in the NYT - If the woman admitted she was homeless her child could have enrolled in any school.  Children should not live in vans.  Mothers should not be arrested because they are trying to offer their child more open doors.  Yet another example of how we are failing.  It does not have to be this way.  We are still the greatest nation on the planet! It takes each of us, as individuals, each of us as human beings, we have to reach out - we have to dirty our hands and rattle some cages.  We get ours and it becomes easy to close our eyes to what is around us.  This just has to stop! We cannot continue allowing the future of our country to sleep in vans, wear dirty clothes, go to bed hungry, lie awake at night in fear.  One little difference, like the one you can make, or you can make, or you can make - get involved.  Reach out - reach back - reach up. For goodness sake let us open our eyes.  Let us open our hearts.  I have had the privilege of teaching children whose life circumstance left them homeless.  More often than not, once they had some food, some clean clothes, and a nap - they worked their butts off - and their parents showed up for meetings and back to school nights.  Not all, there is no everyone or no one - We live in a world with a lot of gray, what color are you? What color light do you shine for others to see? Are you a harbor or a rocky cliff? When will the change we promised ever come to fruition? When will we accept the reality of our society? I want more.  I need to do more.  We all need to do more.  Then we should find the bureaucrats in Conn. and give them a timeout.  They will not earn their star for the day.  Let them live in a van.  I wonder where their children go to school?  

Hope

Giving thought to the meaning of Easter - besides egg hunts and ham dinners - I started to wondering; when they tried Jesus what crimes were they accusing him of? After pondering what the history books tell us I thought more on it - Jesus walked the Earth, he cured the ill, fed the hungry, clothed the homeless, and he spoke of love, tolerance, patience, giving, loving - Jesus spoke of everlasting life for those who chose to follow in his footsteps.  Jesus was offering hope to those individuals held down by a caste system, a government run by greed and fear - Jesus was offering hope.  How that must have frightened the powers that were.  See if you offer people hope, you empower them.  Empowered people are more likely to rise against tyranny.  History documents how hope knocked down walls, toppled tyrannies, overcame circumstances - Hope kept the ill alive until a cure was found - in some cases, hope itself kept people alive and cured them in and of itself.  Hope allows us to walk away from a bad situation, or take a risk for a better future.  Jesus was convicted of bogus crimes.  It was his offering of hope which caused those soldiers to nail him to that cross.  Like us, Jesus questioned God - "Why have you forsaken me?" How many times have we felt that same way? We wonder how a child can overcome abuse and neglected, move forward in their lives and end up thriving adults - HOPE.  It is not enough to sit by and hope.  Hope empowers us.  We get up off the couch and move forward. We clean out that backpack, put on our big girl boots and move forward - When it is dark, when we are afraid, when there appears only closed doors; It is hope that starts to light our way.  Hope we begin to follow until we are strong enough so we can walk on our own.  The brave souls who followed Jesus, despite the cost of their own lives - they did so because they believed in what Jesus was saying.  Where are we today? In a terrible recession, wars all over the world, a government run by greed and ego...where are we now? Poverty in the USA is at an all time high.  Our prison our filled with individuals who have hope.  There are those who would rather cry about what they don't have than to roll up their sleeves, take advantage of what they do have; people who find it easier to lament the wrongs - those who feel hopeless.  Yet, there are individuals, who in spite of life's circumstances walk hard and strong - those who will hold that last thread of hope - those whose hope brings them to faith - faith that the steps we take on Earth will bring us closer to our everlasting life.  The life promised to us by a simple man who was murdered for peddling hope.  Sometimes I hope the Mets might win another World Series, while I am still alive to enjoy it - then I think how silly, hope is a valuable gift not meant for waste on sporting events or lottery tickets.  However, hope is meant for exactly these things - watching my beloved Mets gives me 3 or so hours away from reality, this reprieve offers time to recharge my batteries - it refills my "hope" tank. Oprah probably doesn't hope to win the lottery.  In fact, Oprah's life is a big lottery win.  She overcame abuse, neglect, sexism, and racism because she had a dream and she held her hope.  Oprah kept her faith, did the work, and look where she is now.  I believe the richest woman in the world.  As a teacher, the pendulum swings both ways.  Some children rise above the drudgery of their everyday lives - every morning their smile gives me hope.  Other children are not able to find that hope. I watch them sink and wonder how to infuse them with hope.  Hope and faith are not necessarily religious in nature - they are conditions of being human.  As Jesus was human, a man walking among people, he was human - not better than any person - perhaps more enlightened, but not better.  Listen to the leader of a cult.  They too are offering hope.  Makes difficult social times such as those we live in today more frightening, people are vulnerable, they are searching for something to believe in, they are looking for hope.  Before the turn of the century there were a plethora of organizations offering underground bunkers from which you could survive the end of time - I know people who invested their entire life savings buying one of these bunkers - the bunker offered hope.  Shoot even those who put money in the stock market are hoping their stock goes up.  We hope for good fortune, a good meal, a good nights sleep, health, love - hope leads us to faith - faith has many different faces, however breath it gives each of us is the same.  There is a higher power helping us navigate the confusing and often hostile waters of our human condition. Neither hope nor faith alone will "get'r done." In and of themselves they are really just words - It is what we do with the words, how we transform words into actions, beliefs, into change - this is hope and faith.  As I said at the beginning, Jesus was murdered because he was offering hope and thus faith.  MLK and JFK, they were assassinated for offering the same things.  When life appears its most bleak, when our well is drained, our eyes weary, our souls tired - hope and faith keep us moving.  We believe in one another and this gives us strength - more importantly, we believe.  This is it, we believe.  Many have died in God's name and many have killed in God's name - It is living as Jesus lived, this is our challenge.  It is loving the least amongst us.  It is teaching tolerance, acceptance - speaking against hatred.  It is walking with our head held high in spite of our circumstances.  Hope gets us up in the morning and helps us sleep at night.  Oh sure, I hope the Jets play better next year and win the Super Bowl - I also hope we bring home the men and women protecting us on foreign soils.  I have faith our leaders will put aside politics and find the common ground of humanity - I hope you don't walk past the next homeless person you see avoiding eye contact.  Even if you don't give them a penny, just a smile and a hello - this might be the key to their hope chest.  We don't know. We don't know when one small act of kindness becomes a seed of hope for someone else.  For this reason, we should always engage in acts of kindness; it isn't that hard - OK, sometimes it is really hard; a lot of mean people out there.  Or maybe they are individuals who have lost their hope and maybe we hold the key.  Castro, Ghadafi, that dude in Korea - they use their military to squash the hopes of people - people however, they keep rising up don't they.  Since the times of Jesus, when he showed us the power of hope - people rise.  If the energy we put out is the energy we receive, then I choose hope.  I choose to put forth positive energy.  I look to surround myself with people who exude positive energy - hope - I exist each day with the faith in the kindness of others - and the hope, if I do a good job down here, then one day I too can go home.  Until then, I am hoping the Mets win, I am hoping someone I know wins the lottery (and wants to share), I hope spring comes to the North Country :), I hope I can finish this paper and cross that Masters off my bucket list...and on and on I could go - I will peddle hope, offer hope, use hope and my walking stick, and my pushing stick - The work must be done - I have to do the work, isn't magnificent I have the opportunity to even begin the work.  How blessed I am.  How filled with hope - even in the darkness, I don't turn on the lights; I close my eyes and follow my hope - and when I feel so heavy and tired I lean on my faith, filled with love of family and friends - yes, all things are possible (OK, except the Mets thing) even if I don't finish my bucket list before I kick the bucket I do have faith, and that future, the time beyond this time, that is even more beautiful. How amazing is that?

The Shell Game

Remember those street folks who ran the shell game? They show you a ball under a shell, tell you to follow it, if you guessed correctly you won.  The bigger the crowd the more you won. That is of course until you lost.  It was all a game - and you had no chance of winning. Like shooting hoops at the fair - the rim is smaller than the ball. Yet we plop down our money because that is the human spirit. We believe in ourselves, we believe we are smarter than others, or that we can outwit others. What it comes down to, at least I think, is those who have and those who have not. I am not speaking of money, though I am accepting donations. I feel the government is running a shell game on us.  They have been since we elected Obama. I am not against Obama. Hearing him speak is invigorating! His orating skills are outstanding. Problem is they showed us the ball, and we followed the shells, turns out we picked the wrong shell. We heard for the first two years how Bush ruined the government for eight years and it would take time to right the ship. OK, that excuse became old. In 2010, we put all our dollars on the democrats - here President Obama, a democratic house and senate, now go make it all happen! Didn't happen. Finger pointing at...who. The Dems asked us to give them the power to make change, the American voter obliged - we were duped. Now, Obama is in reelection mode. He needs to pick a new running mate. Though watching Biden nap during Obama's speech was funny. Republicans have control. They have vowed they will not pass a budget if it includes Obama's health care reform or funding for planned parent hood. So here we go. The merry go round, the slight of hand, the shell game begins again. In '08 I believed Clinton was the better choice only because she knew how to navigate the muddy political waters. It is backrooms, and dark rooms, and stuff we don't even know about. Clinton has been in that cave, she could see there - I wish Obama had selected the vice president slot and waited his turn. I wish he had learned under the tutelage from two of the greatest Washington Mapquest folks around, the Clinton's. Then we could have had 12 years of a democratic president - Now, Obama is going to be in a fight like he did not face in'08. You could not say anything bad about him because he had so little experience there was nothing to bash. In the past six years he has given the politicos plenty to bash him about. If the republicans had a strong candidate he would really be in big trouble. When the Dems had the power and control they chose not to. A budget should have been passed last year. It is not like we don't know when budgets are up for renewal. Gas is close to $4.50. Who is going to have any fun this summer? Who will enjoy travelling? A loaf of bread is $3.99. You can't live on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches - too expensive.  A box of mac and cheese cost $1.50. Prices of everything are going up because transporation costs are going up - more people will lose jobs, especially during the tourism season that won't happen - So we get involved in Libya; history clearly shows to end a recession get involved in a war. Are we not already involved in wars with two other countries? How is that working out? I feel cheated. I put my money on the table, picked the shell on the left, I was wrong. Duped again! Kids can't anticipate they will go to college; in CA, the cuts to the university system are so deep 10,000 less students will have the opportunity to enroll as freshman in September 2011. The land of opportunity, not anymore. Just as we have no control over the selecting the correct shell from the hustler on the street, e have no control over who is elected president and our opinions clearly do not matter to the reps we elected to speak for us. What matters anymore? Surviving...that is it. We are in survival mode. It scares me - I am lucky, I won't be homeless or hungry - A special ed credential keeps opportunities open for me - when and if I can ever get back on my feet - ironic, the social circumstances guarantee the need for special education teachers - children are the most impacted by the actions of adults. We can write letters and make phone calls, get involved in local politics, look for an honest politician --- is that an oxymoron? Look, if Donald Trump runs for president on the republican ticket, or Sarah Palin, or the two of them together - cash in your retirement, take your money out of the bank, find a place to hide, learn to survive on nature, get out of Dodge - wherever your Dodge is - we are in trouble now, where will we be if cartoon characters control our fate?

Shining The Light

Most of you probably heard the hate-word Kobe Bryant was caught using last week.  Kobe stood up and took responsibility for his homophobic word, he says he researched teen suicide among gay youth and he plans to do more.  That is good...we all need to do more.  We all need to do more; we all need to shine a light on the reality of what people feel and how they behave based on their feelings.  It is difficult to remove a stain if you don't roll up your sleeves and put some elbow grease into it.  If you keep the lights off, you might not even see the stain.  We live in the diverse country in the world.  Many people are willing to die just to get to this country.  Many people are willing to sacrifice their lives in defending this country.  Among both groups there are heroes and there are those who hold hateful feelings and behave in hateful ways.  You can't throw around words believing there are no ramifications - what is more disturbing is how easy some words flow out of people's mouths.  Racism is alive and thriving in this country.  It may never be totally eradicated, however if we don't shine a light on those who preach and practice racism we have no hope of diminishing its power.  I find ageism particularly disturbing - we don't talk about it, it is not in the news, yet it exists everywhere.  I feel for those people living in nursing homes, or assisted living facilities, or still keeping their own home.  There is so much we can learn from our elders.  We don't take the time to listen.  The other day in the grocery store an elderly woman was writing a check - when someone writes a check it slows the line down.  Those people behind her, in each group, I heard at least one negative comment about how she should "get with the times." "Who writes checks anymore?" "Old people should have their own line." These comments are hateful and shameful.  Individuals who come to this country illegally well they should go back to their home countries and come here legally.  I believe illegal is illegal.  The belief it is only Mexican or Hispanics who are here illegally.  Of course that is not true.  We allow individuals to come this country so they can get the best education available, then they go back to their home countries, make some great product or scientific breakthrough - which we in turn pay an incredible amount of money for.  That seems wrong to me.  What is happening is Arizona, with the passage of a law allowing law enforcement to ask for proof of citizenship - I wonder what race will receive the most "stops?" When I first moved to CA, I worked at a Howard Johnsons.  There were several waitresses, waiters, cooks, etc. illegally in this country.  They were from Canada.  They had illegal social security cards and they were here, taking jobs from American Citizens - they were illegal.  Do you think they would be pulled over suspected of being in this country illegally? It is hard to convince anyone of anything if they base their beliefs on the bible.  Religious conviction is strong.  So often that strength is beautiful and powerful and can holds us up when we can't stand on our own.  Then we see and hear how some individuals use that conviction as a platform for hateful words and behavior.  Shining the light on these situations is perhaps the most difficult - often, those who shout the loudest believe they are already in the light - the rest of us are in the dark.  We need to turn the lights on.  We need to talk, listen, converse - we need to take power away from the darkness.  Whomever is least amongst us, in a country so powerful and rich - there should be no least amongst us.  Children should not be homeless.  Hunger should not exist in this country.  We must become the agents for change. We must turn on the lights.  We must take responsibility - speak up in defending others.  Last week at Emily's school they had a "Be Silent" day.  The purpose was for students to remain silent in support of gay, lesbian, and transgender teens who were afraid to speak their truth.  The school provided white boards for those who chose to be silent.  That is pretty progressive.  It probably helped more than one student who thought they were alone - perhaps it saved a life.  When we remain silent, when we here an off color joke, or a racist, ageist, homophobic, joke and we laugh - we are as guilty as the person who spoke the words.  Maybe we are even more guilty because we know it is wrong and we do nothing.  It is frightening to speak up in line at the grocery store, especially in today's volatile times; however, silence empowers the ignorant.  Turning on the lights is not easy, we don't have to do it alone - we can do it together.  The more people, the more light - we can take away the fear, empower one another - if we all turn on our light - well, there is hope.  It is not easy.  There are no easy, quick fixes to what ails the soul of our humanity - the process is going to take time - we have time, we have lights, we have power, we each have a voice - we can change the culture of hate - we can light the world, show the way.  We are the greatest country in the world - shouldn't we start behaving like it?

Writing

I like to write.  I started writing when I was eight or nine years old.  Some of that stuff I still have - it is funny.  Reading some journals I wrote during high school...how do we make it to adulthood? We are nuts when we are in high school.  It is true I wrote more when times were tough - All the great writers do that don't they? Write now I am writing and Action Based Research Paper as the culminating assignment for my Master's Degree in Curriculum & Instruction.  This writing is hard, thinking writing - I write better about feelings and such.  Of course it does not help that my head hurts when I read more than a paragraph - lame excuse but it is true.  I believe in the work.  Increasing student comprehension through a fluency intervention based program.  It works, I know - and it is important! We need to improve reading comprehension across all grade levels.  Open a book and you open a door to the world.  I also enjoy reading. Reading is important.  Every school, parent, sibling; we should really read more! We should write more.  Writing is cheaper than therapy.  Writing about the correlation between increased fluency and an increase in comprehension test scores - ZZZZZZZ! I'm not complaining though.  My bucket list - get this darn Masters! By golly I am going to make it! Oh, and the gown and hood you have to wear - it is really odd. The sleeves have holes for your hands, they also have pockets for your hands - how that hoody thing is going to hang around my throat without choking me - I don't like things around my throat! Why do they call it a hood, we don't wear it on our head, we wear it around our throat down our back - what is that, not a scarf? Oh, I don't know, but I have one - I am a few pages (OK, maybe a fifty or sixty pages) away from crossing it off my bucket list! This is what matters.  I will write more fun stuff, more me stuff - I will write about the moment I stumbled across the stage in my funny sleeved gown with a "hood." Then I will get out my bucket list and cross off that bad boy! Bam!

Power of Positive Thinking?

I have increased to a larger font size and using color because I can't see what I am writing. Either my nose has to touch the screen or the keyboard is beyond arm's length. This is it, hot flashes, can't read, ache before you get out of bed in the morning - ache when you get in the bed at night...I will take it, thank you very much. I will take every moment of it and I will take more.  Bring it! What you got? Neuro-surgery, I'm getting over it. 17 years of lupus, I'll take 38 more! Bring it! I have been writing chapter 1 of my thesis. Been writing for a week. It sucks. I am a good writer but my brain still tires quickly and forgets quickly - that is OK! Bring it! I have plans.  I have plans and I am going to make those plans become reality - you know why? Because I think I can.  Just like that Little Engine That Could or The Ant Getting Up The Hill - See, this is how I see it.  It would be easy for me to lie down, give up, give in - I spent a few days in that pity pool, I don't like it there. I gained 30 pounds (can you even picture me at this weight? I am fat! Me, Lisa - Lisa does not do fat!) Writing this thesis is going to challenge every cell left in my brain - I will use every one.  Don't tell me I am only using 10% of my brain power, baby, I am using every cell I have. Can't move my head for this crick in my neck, OK, get the ice pack - heating pad on my lower back.  Soak my feet in some lavender water - I know your wondering why my feet hurt when I am writing a paper; I don't know why but my puppies are barking.  I have a plan.  There are forces in this universe, forces which believe they have power of me.  Not true; Oh sure, right now I have this paper, and Dr. appointments, and letters from lawyers, no paycheck, and a quarter million dollars in hospital bills - all my credit cards are maxed; Know what? It is going to be just fine! I see myself sitting in on a rocking swing, drinking a tall glass of cool lemonade.  I see myself riding a snowmobile over a field of white snow.  I see myself thumping a four wheeler over bumps until my teeth chatter.  I see my book being completed, maybe even published - I see my family and my friends coming to my house to share a good meal and hours of laughter.  I see a roaring fire, and my loyal dog, and a quiet game of Monopoly with Poopy Sister, and I am winning! This is what I see. This is what I believe! I am positive of this. You know why? Because I am loved. God and Jesus, yes they love me - but I am loved by a lot of people.  Do you know how powerful that is.  My Poopy Sister would walk from Texas to California if she believed I needed her here.  Eileen will cry ten million tears when I pour her glass of lemonade.  Frank, well Frank is going to help me put up my wood for the winter - he has a bad back, but he loves me. Do you know that people who have never met me pray for me? Jayne T' is my friend, June knows I need to come home, Aunt Dawn is going to take me to Coles Creek. I don't even know where that is. Mrs. Murphy has a room ready for me - Patty has a room ready for me. Lynn called me last week just to see if I needed to shop. She called me yesterday to check dates she could take me to the doctors. Annalee texts me every morning - Maggie and Lori say hello - From Shari in Hawaii, Michelle in NC, Jessie down the street, On Saturday I went to a wedding - before the bride left on her honeymoon she thanked me for coming. Who does that? Liz has taken me to doctor after doctor, she has frequent flyer miles at the local pharmacy, my doctor sees me anytime I call; Go ahead credit card companies keep calling, got nothing for ya', sorry. What I have is this moment, and I have plans - though I have work to finish, soon I will have completed these tasks and then I will need to buy some lemons. I am loved. Donald calls people, asking them to call me to see if I need help - My God has blessed me and I am sorry for every second I felt sorry for myself - Poopy, Eileen, Bug A Boo, June, stop worrying - It has come to me that the future is mine, it is ours, we have a lot of living to do. Nashville, Tennessee - Mount Rushmore, a cruise - there is stuff to do and we are going to do it.  You know I am stubborn! I don't, I won't let all of these circumstances stop me - they have taken enough of me; Just a little more time...we just have to get through a little more time, then we will celebrate every moment for all the days. Believe it! Believe it! We have the power - Love is the fuel, hope is our road - It is moving time, time to move on, move forward - clean out that backpack - it is going to happen all because I am loved! WOW! How powerful, how humbling, how empowering - just a little more work - then it is all good.

Dr. St.Mary

I was blessed with the best doctor ever to practice. Dr. John T. St.Mary was absolutely the best Dr. I have ever encountered. I have encountered a lot of doctors. Dr. St.Mary had soft, gentle hands. They were always warm. He always warmed his stethoscope before he touched it to your skin. Dr. St.Mary's greatest quality, he listened. He listened with his ears and his eyes. When Dr. St.Mary listened to me, I knew he heard everything I was saying. I also knew he heard what I could not say. Dr. St.Mary made house calls. One time I was so sick he came to the house. He chastised my father for allowing me to become so ill. Just his defense of me made me feel better. You could call Dr. St.Mary anytime during the day - "Just come in when you get around." He took such care of my Mommie. Those last few years I don't know what I would have done without him. I would take Mommie to some fancy doctor in Plattsburgh, then call Dr. St.Mary so he could break it all down for me. When he passed I felt I had lost a father, a friend, and a constant source of inspiration. All of us girls worked for Dr. St.Mary. We cleaned his office, or helped with his Mom, or baby sat Jayne T'. I spent one summer just about living with the St. Mary's. Mrs. St.Mary would leave me a list of things to do and Dr. St. Mary would cross half of it off and say; "Play with Jayne T'." Jayne T' was the blood that coursed through that man's veins. There was not a time when he entered a room she was in that he did not touch her, it seemed like he didn't believe she was real. Dr. St.Mary was the kind of man a man respected and a Mother would want her son to be. People first, always, people first. I don't know if he made much money because I don't think he ever charged us - four girls and Mommie - he took care of us all.
I am fortunuate that I have a doctor now who DR. St.Mary would like. She listens with both her ears and her eyes. She has moved offices more times than I can count. I drive over an hour to see her. People keep telling me to switch. Get a doctor closer. They don't understand - They never had Dr. St.Mary hold their hand and tell them they would feel better soon. They never looked into his loving eyes and felt certain their Mommie would live another day. Dr. St.Mary set the bar very high - I was fortunate enough to find another doctor reaching that same level of compassion and care.
Dr. St.Mary and Mrs. St.Mary, they were good people. They treated me like their own daughter. They loved me. It is amazing, and such a gift growing up in a small town. In a town like Malone, an orphan, ends up being the girl with the biggest family.
Through FB, Jayne T' and I have been able to reconnect. I found one of my sisters. She is a remarkable woman. She has a wonderful husband and two beautiful children. She has her father's gentle spirit and her Mother's fire. See, another sister this motherless child has!
I am going through some tough medical times. I can't tell you how much I wish Dr. St.Mary were here to explain all these big words and break it down for me. These times will pass. I will get better. I have a great doctor. No, she is not Dr. St.Mary, but no one could be. Dr. St.Mary was a gift from God. An angel right here on Earth. I know he is looking out for me, I talk to him - seek his advice. He is going to navigate me out of these troubled waters - Jayne T', I love you - I am blessed to have your Mom and Dad love me, and everyday I thank God for the gift of you.

It's All In The Perspective

What I have noticed of late, but I probably have known all along...life is all in your perspective, or it is about your perspective.  What one person sees as an obstacle another sees as an opportunity.  Individuals who hold deep religious beliefs are not likely to change those beliefs no matter what evidence suggests otherwise. People who hold hate and bigotry will not let go of these ideas. They feed off of them. And so we move through our days trying to gain a balanced perspective - in spite of the objections of those who have only one perspective; theirs and they are right.  Scotty often said you should not borrow money from friends, or talk religion or politics at the dinner table.  Though I remember with great fondness the political debates all the Uncles would have at family reunions.  It was stimulating, and eye opening, and they were words that needed saying.  Our society has become too politically correct.  It gets to the point when you don't know if you can say anything without offending anyone.  Keith Oberman was fired for having an opinion - well it was a political talk show - and Rush Limbaugh, he has  a right to spout his beliefs.  See, we can't tell young men and women to travel around the world, willing to die for democracy, then sit here at home and banish those with opinions.  That is ludicrous.  There are conversations I have engaged in, knowing full well I would not change anything - but I let my voice be heard.  We should let our voices be heard. In schools the great insult is to call someone a "fag." This slander often goes without remark from an adult.  "Fag" is an word filled with hate.  How many times have you heard an "off-color" joke and did not speak up - you felt uncomfortable - you didn't like the joke, but you said nothing.  And it is perspective.  You are comfortable and safe in your little box.  You see no need to expand.  When do we stop growing? When do we just say; "Screw it, let the world have at it." Yesterday, a 19 year old Marine was buried. He was killed in Afghanistan. A few blocks from my house a man shot a police officer in the face, then held police at bay for 35 hours before he was killed by the police, the headline on my Fluent News - Woman and children in Libya have no place safe.  If you live in  a city how many homeless people do you encounter and how many times do you divert your eyes? It is perspective; I have mine.  So we crawl into our safe worlds, we read about what else is happening - we comment and we pray - but what do we do? What do we do? Nothing! I understand the feeling of there being so much, how can one person make a difference? Trying, starting, one step at a time...you tell me. A homeless man outside a Subway shop asked me for some spare change, I told him no but I would buy him lunch. "Lunch he said, buy me some beer." And so it is - his perspective was escape reality and mine was to offer nourishment.  I did buy him a sandwich and he took it.  Maybe he traded it in for a six-pack. I do not have any answers.  Just questions and more questions, and wondering - there must be something we can do.  Just each of us do a little something.  Perspective - how you see what is around you, how you take in information and process it. Yes, life is all in your perspective - take a look inside your box, then peek outside - together we can do anything. One person can make a difference - there is always hope - What is your perspective?

Hot Flashes...

I recall Mommie sitting quiet and peaceful, then shaking her clothes and yelling - she kept a Kleenex up her sleeve to wipe the perspiration from her lip. "Get me ice water, get me ice water." She said she was having a hot flash. Didn't know what that was, knew it was no fun for us. So this is where I am...last night it is chilly here. (I know, I know, not Malone chilly, but chilly for here) so I am wearing sweats, sleeping socks and a long sleeved shirt for bed - I like the window open, fresh air helps some people sleep. Crawl into my bed, snuggle under my blankies - start saying my prayers and then it comes - like a wave to the shore you know it is coming - throw off the covers, take off the socks, toss and turn - sweat everywhere - then it is gone - put back on the socks, snuggle back under the blankets - so what is the deal with this? It hardly seems fair that women have to bear this atrocious phenomenon. Sometimes it hits you so hard you actually have to get up and change your PJ's because you are soaked with sweat. I want a refund - I want a do over. Why do we have to have hot flashes in the middle of Target? There is no place there to gracefully which you were naked in a bucket of ice? And the irritability! Seriously, you can't help yourself - you want to - you know it is not you, and you do your best to grin and bear it; matters not. Sooner or later it will hit you and you will hit something! Your mouth will put out words you did not even know existed. You will feel terrible for being so miserable to a complete stranger or a loved one; you will try to explain - it matters not, damage done. When the principal at my school would have a hot flash I made such fun of her. I am sorry. She said my day would come - It has! Ought to be some justice for women, some stipend we receive from someone to compensate us for our troubles - breast feeding and hot flashes? That is a lot to ask. Not having been blessed with giving birth, but that too - I hear it hurts a lot! Oh, it is all just one big joke until it happens to you and your the one screaming; "Get me ice water, get me ice water." 

People Who Matter...

People who matter, all people matter, I am speaking of the people in our lives - the gifts of love and friendship. Last night a group a girls I have known, well some for 17 years, we had a get together. Most of them I have not seen in over three years. We are softball players. Softball brought us all together. We played volleyball, and basketball - but we are softball players. It was just an amazing evening. As I looked around the room, recalling memories of each girl (I guess woman would be more appropriate, it just does not sound right.) As I looked at each of them I could recall the gift each brought to my life - There is Debbie; non-stop motion and non-stop competitive with a heart as big as this Earth itself. I  know if  called Debbie, even if we had not spoken in years, she would be there for me. She always tried to get me to go white water rafting; I said I only would if I could be in her boat because I knew she would protect me. That was Debbie's gift; she always made me feel safe. Natalie, work and work and work and make your life what you want it, always with a smile. Natalie overcomes obstacles she does not go around them she goes through them. Natalie, she gave me the gift of not feeling like I was the only one who struggled - we use to sit out in the parking lot at Brookside and talk - Natalie gave me the gift of belonging. Shelly, Shelly has a personality which people gravitate towards. She is a person you want to be around. Good times or bad she remains steady. Her wit a dry martini - dirty of course. Shelly, well she makes me feel important - she calls me coach -Shelly offers love without condition.  Shelly and Debbie are two different peas in the same pod - If they went on the Amazing Race they would win - and listening to them verbally spar would be such fun. Barb, dear Barb - don't misplay a ball or overrun a base - Debbie is competitive Barb is on a whole other level. Her black pants and black jacket - she puts her body in front of the ball and stops it - chest, legs, face - does not matter. She also has a heart of gold and the spirit of a survivor. Barb gave me the gift of perspective; remembering it is the team and the people.  Melanie, goodness Melanie - poor blonde no matter what color you dye your hair Melanie, Melanie will find humor in everything. She plays hard but playing ball is about being with the people - Melanie plays ball so she can gossip, drink a beer, and talk. Then she goes out on the mound and throws strikes. How she stands there fearless, with this big bruising guys up there - I will never know but will always admire. Q, LaQuanda, living the life, living the dream - playing for the love of the game - working hard to move ahead - Q always looks ahead, no time to waste on what you cannot change, get on with it already. Kim was there. I know I have not seen her in at least 13 years. We hugged and kissed like it was only yesterday. Fire, Kim must be a fire sign because she is full of fire and love. She to a pitcher, back in the day she was the best. Our team had a 44 game win streak  - We didn't wear uniforms, we were not slick looking like so many of the teams we played against - a group of misfits - but we could play ball. A team is only as strong as it weakest link, I held that distinction. I was the weakest length on every team we played on - I knew it, I never felt it. Not one of those girls would put me as the weakest length. I played as hard as I could. I used my brain to make up for my lack of physical skills. How wonderful it is to have these memories. We should not let such time pass without a "hello." Gifts, these wonderful girls, they are gifts - we should open them more often. Yes, from each of my softball girls I learned, from each I receive a gift, from each I had another hole in my heart healed. It is good to know such love. We just need to celebrate it more! Thanks ladies, thanks for every single darn second!