It's A Wonderful Life

We all know the movie, it plays this time of year.  I reckon it is my favorite movie.  I will watch it any time of year. It would be neat wouldn't it, if we could have that view of how our lives impacted the lives of others. Maybe when we get to heaven we get to see.  Maybe we get to find out if we made a difference anywhere alone the way.  We want to, we want to believe that our life has importance beyond paying the bills and doing the dishes.  People who have children, they probably have a better sense of their importance in the lives of their children.  Some for the better and I suppose some for the not so better.  It would be cool though; to see how our choices affected the people around us, you know that whole pebble in the pond and the ripple across the water.  We need to be needed, and we need to be wanted, and for most people, we need to feel that our lives make a difference.  I watch a lot of the MSNBC Lockup reality show.  I am intrigued by people who have killed.  People who have committed horrendous crimes, I wonder what makes them tick.  I question if evil is real, if people are born evil or if circumstances stole their compassion and their humanity? More and more it feels the whole of human kind is losing its humanity.  So I wonder if my existence and the choices I have made - have they made any difference.  Now I couldn't be like Jimmy Stewart in the movie, but I do hope I have made better some corners of the world I have lived in.  We all do, don't we? We should want to, shouldn't we? What is the point if we live only to please ourselves and serve our own needs?  That is said alot by the prisoners interviewed on Lockup.  I did it because I wanted to.  It made me feel good.  I didn't think about anyone else.  That's not cool.  It is that time of year when we are full of family and love, and giving, and people are happy - well not all people; some people don't have the gift of friendship, or have lost their families.  Some folks are all alone and these next four weeks are about the worst weeks of their lives.  How, as a society can we help these people? How can we find them and somehow help them - some people don't want to be help.  As hard as it is to believe some people just don't want to be happy.  Miserable is their happiness - that is hard to believe.  When you look around you see some who have so much and others with so little - is one better than the other; I don't think so. It is like bras and breast size, too small is difficult to find a comfortable bra and too big is difficult to find a comfortable bra - It is a wonderful life though - Life is filled with so many possibilities and there is hope everywhere.  Inside of each of us it the power to love, to encourage, to extend ourselves. Still, it would be cool to see what our world would have been like had we never been born.  That is probably not very humble is it? Though, after seeing our world without us in it, we might be very humbled.  Maybe I'll go get the DVD from downstairs and give it a watch.  Always makes me cry.  No matter how many times I see it, I always cry.  The greatest gifts we give are not what the television commercials lead us to believe - it is the everyday being there, it is the small gifts.  It is our time, a shoulder, listening, a hug - it is the smile on someones face when they open a Christmas present and it is exactly what they wanted, and the smile on our face for having hit the nail on the head.  It is a wonderful life. 

What to do what to do?

Since I was around 9 years old I started writing down my thoughts. What I haven't lost I still have. Being a teenager makes you say some things that are so ludicrous...sometimes, normally when I am looking for some thing I need i read a page or two. Teenagers are not responsible for their actions. Writing has been a constant and dependable friend. A few moments ago a thought came to me...I am not happy. No matter what turn I have taken over the past 4 years, it has been the wrong one. So I haven't written a lot because I'm the strong one. I'm the one who overcomes the obstacles and moves forward. I'm the one whom you can depend on for a good laugh, a good hug, or a shoulder to lean on. Except right now I am not that person. I don't know if I ever was. At such an early age I learned to take care of others. Be seen not heard, and don't cry, don't let them win. I gotta tell ya folks I am one broken down and tired person. As I was thinking I kept asking myself; "How did I get here?" well fool you made bad choices. it is a simple answer. So now I need to fix it. I need to fix me. I looked online at all the "How to be Happy" books - I have read most of them. My brother Scotty often said if everyone on the street hung their problems on their clothes line (yes, there are places where people hang their clothes on a clothes line...and when you climb into a bed made with fresh off the line sheets, ah - that my friends is bliss.) Anyway, if you checked out everyone else's problems - you know like had a problem viewing street festival, maybe a BBQ, and some lemonade - well, Scotty said you would go back and take your own problems off your line. There is someone who has it worse than me being my point. For several years here in Cali we had "Our Gang." Donald, Jessie, Aaron, Michelle, Diego, Trish, Shari & I. We rented an RV and went to the Grand Canyon. On your birthday you chose what you wanted to do, and we all did it. We spent a lot of time together. Where there was one of us, another was not far away. We all worked together. We were the reality of the TV show friends. Time moved on, everyone went in their directions with wife, kids...I guess they grew up. I thought I had that with Liz. I was wrong. Now being here in Cali is not so much fun. That group of people were my family, my life...reckon I gotta get my own life now. Liz moved on. No looking back for her. My neck hurts from looking back. I know I need to look forward...and all the stuff currently out of my control will end. I'm not looking at living another 20 years here. I know that. But gosh I don't want my last years to be sitting in the dark cause the light hurts my eyes, with my leg twitching, and a silent stream of tears running down my face. I do not believe that is me. Maybe I am not a barrell of laughs but I loathe self-pity. I need to learn "The Way of THE ZUKO" Live in this moment, well not this exact moment because I feel rather crappy right now. I would scream but no one would hear me and it would only scare ZUKO. He is a sound sleeper. I do believe time will help put some stuff back in place. Then I will need to get out my toolbox and get to working on repairs. It is hard when you wake up and finally realize the life you thought you were going to live isn't going to happen. The construction has to start all over again. The destruction is a mess all around you. Man, I don't envy me right now. I don't even like me right now. Shoot I don't recognize me right now. It's onward we go. That is all we can do. Grab your backpack and move forward. My backpack has been misplaced, I will find it. I do miss those days with the gang. They have all made their lives what they sought, though everyone has BS to deal with they are happy. I remember what that feels like. Just need to find the roadmap forward to there.

Limbo

Limbo is no place for me...I am not here and I am not there. Application for disability is in limbo. Workers comp pushed back final settlement date, limbo. Not where I want to be yet I can't go where I want to because I am in limbo. Limbo sucks! There is a life out there which once was mine, events transpired and in limbo I now exists. I realized this morning, I ont know how much I am physically ill and how much I am emotionally ill. I am exhausted. I know that. I know I need to move forward because movement is life. When did my life no longer become mine...oh yeah, 8:03 on September 17, 2008. That was when a student hit me in my right knee. My life has not been the same. What in the world happened? The whole system is messed up. It is a tornado which has swept me up. I am swirling above what was my life, the more I fight the tighter the grip this BS has on me. Chin up and positive thoughts. I have kept them & kept them. Just when it appears a light is at the end of this tunnel, someone throws a shovel of dirt over the hole. I will keep fighting! I am stubborn. Sometimes that is not a good thing...now, during this time, being stubborn has been an asset. I am tired though. I am tired of waiting to get on with my life. I am exhausted! I am not a quitter. I won't quit now, there is appoint though when I can't continue in this state of limbo. Now my plan is to design a plan which will outwit the paper pushers. Is it possible to disappear? I don't sleep well on Saturday nights because I am already thinking about Monday. I don't sleep well on Sunday because Monday is here. Them after a day of work I don't sleep well because I am in pain. By Friday I am so exhausted I crawl into my bed at 4:00. Oh, I'm sorry I don't like whining! It sucks. I know this is only a moment in the entirety of my life...I also no the entirety of my life is getting smaller and smaller...and this is wasted time. I don't like wasting time. It's the Virgo in me...no wasting time. Work and work and work and work and finally either "they" will finish their BS or I will just walk away from it all. I want my life back. I want control of my life back...by golly it is going to be mine - one way or another my life has to come back to me, because, well, a person should at least have the right to say: "Yeah my life is a real mess, and I made that mess myself!" this mess, this shadow of my life, I did not make this mess.

Been a while

Then all this stuff at Penn state took off and despite not writing, I just felt the need. You see if a University such as Penn State can cover up the abuse of young men for 20 years, then I reckon we are in big trouble. If a man of such stature as Joe Paterno has knowledge of this crime and does nothing...oh sure he informed the AD, that is not enough. Why are we not protecting our children? And why are predators not identified? In this day and age how does a thing like this happen? One of the finest Universities in the country was fooling everyone. The Catholic church duped us, now Penn State has duped us. And there is a problem because our children do not feel safe to report when they are being abused. We have to change that! Children should feel safe in reporting anything, about anybody! In 40 years we have not made a significant change in our society, enough so children feel they are safe. We worry about standardized test scores, we worry about no child being left behind, we drill into our children the importance of college prepared - where in the curriculum are the sections about reporting, and feeling safe, telling what happens? Two parents working, single parent families, children raised by relatives - where in the world has our humanity gone? Goodness it makes me sick! Wake up people! Wake up, put aside the text books, test scores and add some quality time with our children! Every adult needs to find a child, reach out to that child, open your heart to a child. If we each adopt one child, we can make a difference. There is no profession, no institution, no person, who is exempt from suspicion. Let's start a conversation with our children about how they feel. At my school, the bullying that takes place horrifies me. Student to student, teacher to teacher, parent to teacher, administrator to teacher, student to teacher...everyday I witness at least one incident of bullying. What is the district's response? A 15 minute cartoon video! That is it. At the beginning of the year 15 minutes of a cartoon. When we witness abuse we are to make the two children shake hands and apologize. That's it! "They are only words." we are suppose to tell a crying child, "They are only words, let it go." Seriously? Yes, seriously! Should the incident be so aggrecious we can make a referral to the office. Folks, we are missing the boat! Our country won't fall into deeper darkness due to taxes, scam artists, & capitalism...our country is losing its children, and these children become broken adults. They become predators themselves. They end up in prison, mental institutions, or homeless faceless people we step over on the sidewalk! All the talk of taking back this country begins with one person willing to stand up for another. Cyber-bullying is so easy. Yet I wonder who is watching the children when they are on the computer? Freakin' wake up! Nothing is going to mean nothing if our children grow into grey ghost. Adults who have lost the ability to empathize. If our children have bruised souls and broken hearts, if they are incapable of feeling because they spent their childhood burying their feelings - gas or electric won't make a difference! So the next time you hear a racist, sexist, bigoted, bullying remark...what are you going to do? Are you strong enough to take a stand? Are you brave enough to speak up? What is going to be your legacy?