Legacy

So apparently my idea of showing up as being enough reason to show up doesn't fly with everyone. I chewed upon that for a while - then the concept of our legacy came up - no, in ten, twenty years no one will put up a statue in my name. No, there won't be a scholarship named after me. No, there won't be a foundation or any other such thing - That is not to be my legacy. If then what is to be my legacy? My professional career dedicated to working with students who are differently abled - that is something. In some of that I know I made a difference. For some of the children I know I made a difference. Oh, maybe they won't remember me in ten years, and maybe the only difference was in one moment of one day - but that counts. Not perfect, no I have never done that. Wish I could - sometimes I tried - too many times I just gave up. That was a mountain too high to climb. I tried to be the best daughter I could; to all my parents - I had more than my share - one loss became many blessings. Sometimes blessings bear weight, and you can't have one without the other. That is just the way it is. You know, no sunshine without the rain. I'm cool with that. Then I reckon a time comes when you just get tired. That is alI am now, I am tired. Trying every day to do more and be more...knowing I am just the same simple person I have always been. Isn't that all any of us are. Fame, money - they don't change what struggles happen inside one's soul - we love we lose, we try we fail, we shoot we score - it is the same for all of us. This is the human connection that we so often forget about. The tie which binds us all. No matter your station, in the grand scheme of things, I reckon we all just do the same as the other - we all just do the best we can. Is it enough? Heck if I know. I don't know anything about anything. I am tired. Tired is not a good place. Son's of Anarchy was good tonight. Though so much violence is really bad - The character, Jax, well he tries to do the right thing but in doing that he has to walk away from everything he ever new. That sucks! The one guy trying to do the right thing ends up losing everything to save the idiots doing the wrong thing - the innocent children get left behind - No, that is just plain wrong. Now I have to watch Sheryl Crow singing Christmas Carols - Where is The Biggest Loser? Shucks.
Anyway, my point - Oh, I don't think I have one. What will my legacy be? Who the heck knows - we don't get to choose our legacy, that is for others to speak about or not speak about. No, we get to choose how we live today - we get to choose the path of kindness and love or selfishness and apathy. It is up to each of us...not because you want a statue put up in your honor - only because your Momma taught you to be a good person, or because you have blessings in your life, or because you have life, and you have choices, and you can see beyond the one block you live on and you don't sleep on the floor or in the bathtub for fear of bullets coming through the windows - You have food in your stomach, and maybe you can't go out and buy a new car, but you have a car - you have a place to live, you have shelter - It isn't about what you leave behind it is about how you live today - heck, when you get to heaven, you'll see what you left behind - and yes, I would like to be Jimmy Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life. I would like to know that one act I committed on this Earth rippled across the lives of many - and in the one act, something good happened. Is that wrong? I don't know. I just want to be more than the paperwork I complete, the bills I pay, the checks I earned - I just want my life to be more than that. I better go to bed I am tired. Oh, and by the way - did they change the law about using turn signals?  I don't think people use them anymore and maybe the law was changed while I was watching a football game and I missed the news. They still make cars with turn signals. People should use them. It is a good idea. That is why they put the signals on the cars to begin with. What is wrong with people? They sure know how to use the stereo and play with so much bass my heart pounds to the beat of the song playing in the car next to me - And that is OK, as long as they use their turn signals.

Photos

Have you looked at a picture of yourself from say 1 or 2 years ago - and wondered "What the heck happened?" Is this the stage of life when it all goes to heck in a hand basket. I am not a believer in plastic surgery - as so many country songs say - the lines make you who you are today...but gosh; those lines are quite shocking! I can attribute a lot of the wear and tear on all the stinking medicine I take and the medical issues the last two years have brought upon me - but holy Oil of Olay what is up with me? I don't regularly look at photographs of myself. I am not photogenic. Some people are. Mommie was photogenic. Liz is photogenic - me, not so much. In my life I have seen perhaps three pictures of myself in which I thought; "Hey, I am not so ugly." Of course two of those pictures were taken when I was under the age of five. So I have seen one adult picture of myself when I looked good. That was nearly twenty years ago. Aging gracefully is easier for men than it is for women. Richard Gere is one good looking gentleman. He wasn't so hot when he was younger. John Travolta, forget about it, the dude is a stud! Women who have aged gracefully - without plastic surgery - ????.There was show on Discovery Health the other night. Em and and I were watching it. These women with a lot of money had a lot of work done on their face, butts, and boobs - then as time went by they paid a lot of money to have the work reversed. I admit if I had some money to burn I might get a skin peel - take a layer of years off my face. That just money wasted though, really, when you think about it - take my cousin June - she looks the same as she did when we were in our 20's. As a matter of fact a lot of my friends who stayed in the frigid north look the same - do you think the cold weather retards the aging process. Their faces are frozen in time? I though weathering was suppose to make it worse. The sun - that is the culprit - as kids we played in the sun without any thought of sunscreen. Played softball every weekend for years - wore a hat - so actually around my eyes I'm OK, but the rest of my face is just a dried up prune. I was never vain, I reckon because I was never beautiful. What's to be vain about when you don't look so good to begin with. And I am not plugging for votes of reassurance here - God blessed me in many ways, he provided me with many gifts; truth is I look like my father who looked like his mother, and so I look like my grandmother - and she was one special person - so that's cool with me. Sometimes it does shock me when I look at those pictures though - and I wonder when did my body bely my spirit. I still have the spirit of a young gal. Edging 30 not 50 - and God be willing I will edge 60 and 70 - If I don't, if that is not what God has planned for me - well, that is OK too - I want to donate my organs then be cremated. Won't have some poor mortician trying to "fix" this face. And I don't want anyone standing over my dead body saying how wonderful I look. Always found that odd - standing over a casket and someone will remark; "Oh, she looks wonderful." Hello lady - she is dead - probably not so wonderful. Of course I believe in heaven and reuniting with so many people - so I am not afraid to get there - the journey is a bit of a scare but the destination; at least I believe is a beautiful place where so many wait to embrace me. In the meantime, well, this is the way my face and body are going to go - so be it - I suppose I could spend a lot of money on products - or try to take better care of the outer me - reckon I'll spend the time working on the inner me - so when it is time - I will have that place at the Lord's table I have spent my life preparing for. Just in case I haven't fit the bill - could you all say a prayer for me - I know I am not perfect, but I sure want to hug Mommie and Little Gram again! Thanks.

This Was My Day

A student, not enrolled in my class, lined up with my students. When I asked him why he replied; "I am not safe in my class." The boy is in kindergarten. I asked him why. "Because the teacher is mean." "What does the teacher do that is mean?" I asked. "She lets other kids pick on me." So I took the book to the principal, explained the situation and headed back to my class. On the way there I see one of my students sitting on a bench crying. I sat down next to him and asked him what was wrong. "My sister and my mom got in a fight last night." "That must have scared you." I replied. "No, they fight a lot, but my sister locked herself in the room and my dad knocked down the door." "What happened when your dad knocked down the door?" I inquired. "My sister called the police." "Did the police come to your house?" "Yeah, and they put my dad in handcuffs, and they had guns, and that scared me." "Did the police take your dad away?" "No, after they talked for a while they let him stay, but when they left everyone was fighting again." "What did you do when they were fighting?" I asked. "I hid under my bed." "You must have been scared under your bed." "I was really scared that my father was going to hurt my sister and then my mom was crying and I didn't know what to do so I just hid under my bed." "Did you stay under your bed a long time?" "I stayed there all night and I am hungry and I am tired, why do they have to fight?" "I don't know honey, I am sorry that happened. How can I help you?" "I am really hungry." So I went to the cafeteria and got the boy some food. We went to class. One of my students was missing. When I asked where he was my assistant said he was in the office. He had been in a fight. It is now 8:20 am, and I am thinking I am too old for this. One of my female students was crying - the other girls did not want to talk to her anymore or be her friend because she is African American. I go to an IEP meeting, but the parent does not show up. Back to class. One student is on the floor in the corner. He is crying. For the past six years he has been moved between his mother in Chicago and his grandmother in LA. His grandmother died. He wants to know what is going to happen to him - I hugged him and told him I didn't know - What do you say? What could I say? A bit later a child, not in my class walks in my room - She says; "Ms. Stewart will you go tell my teacher to tell Sheila (not her real name) to stop picking on me. I did not even know the little girls name. By lunch I was fried - completely exhausted both physically and emotionally. Another child, not in my room, arrives with a note from the principal asking me to allow him to stay in my room for the rest of the day - his teacher needed a break - I'm thinking, dang, I need a break - but this little boy, well he trusts me. He does not trust a lot of people but he trusts me so of course he can stay with me. He stayed with me until I left school at 4:30 pm. He would have come home with me had that been an option. Last weekend one of my students' fathers was deported. She has been a puddle of tears ever since. I spend a lot of the day trying to comfort and reassure her - I don't know what to say to her - I don't know how to help her...All I know is to show up. I show up everyday and I listen, I hug (even though hugging is frowned upon) I offer a bit of laughter and a safe place. Word on campus is if you have a problem go to Ms. Stewart. I am not anything special. There are some wonderful teachers at my school - and many of them do much more than I do. Today was a really tough day. I describe it as trying to fill a well  a teaspoon of water at a time. This is a difficult job - teaching - did I tell you that teaching is now ranked as the third most difficult job in the world. A lot of press has come out lately about how falling test scores and the union protecting unfit teachers, there are unfit teachers - I challenge all the detractors to spend a day in my classroom. Listen to the stories I have to listen to. Try to put band aids on severed arteries. Oh yeah, and teach standards so the children will pass standardized tests. I should have been a dentist. When you have your hands in someones mouth they can't really talk. And no one really wants to go to the dentist anyway. Yeah, today was a really hard day. You know what? I will show up tomorrow. I will show up tomorrow and I will do the best I can. Problem is, I know before going into the day, the best I can won't be good enough. I start the day knowing I am already behind, and I have a bum leg - can't run as fast as I use to. But I will show up and that counts. Right, that counts?

Lupus

Of diseases a person might have lupus isn't the worse. I guess of course it is the disease you have. It has been heartening, the recent lupus awareness campaigns-1/100 women will be diagnosed with lupus. Symptoms of lupus vary. They come and they go. At it's best I feel like I have the flu. At it's worst I feel that my body is on fire. Avoiding the dun, fluorescent lights, and stress help. Show me a person without stress...well you would have to take me to a cemetery. Living in Cali, well the sun shines a lot. I tend to be nocturnal, good for me. Oh yeah, sick people are bad for me-darn I am a teacher! Sick children are all about me. Fluorescent lights...you should see how many light bulbs are unscrewed in my classroom. The poor plant manager keeps wanting to replace the burned out bulbs/he likes me. Seventeen years this disease has occupied my body. At times it consumes my mind. Have you ever blinked and your eyelashes cause pain on your eyelids? When lupus is in remission I fly like a kite on a summer breeze-when my immune system goes haywire-well then I pray, a lot! At times I find it ironic that my body can't discern healthy cells and poisonous cells. Perhaps a metaphor of my life. If brain stem harvesting and research were allowed, lupus is one of the hundreds of diseases which could be cured. That is a slippery slope. When is a fetus viable? Would curing hundreds of diseases justify harvesting stem cells? Here my friends is the secret no one wants you to know. Drug and insurance companies don't want stem cell harvesting! They would lose billions of dollars! Ha, $$$$$! This is what keeps MS, MD, diabetes & lupus alive and killing! Our own government, or rather elected officials of our government receive billions of dollars from-guess who? Drug companies! Ding ding ding you win a cookie! Some refer to this cycle as the darwinistic economic reality. If breast cancer occured more often in men than women the race for a cure would be much shorter. Hard truth for certain, truth can be that way. Which brings us to the bonus round of today's show. How do we change the status qui? That my friends is worth all the drug companies billions! And I don't reckon they will just let us take money out of their pockets. Let us all shout out, let us all speak up, let us all clearly & succinctly express our views. I think I will start a bracelet campaign for lupus awareness...what color should I order? Green, the color of both money and growth? Orange? Just cause it makes me smile? What do you think? What color should our bracelets be? Will you wear one?

What Are The Odds?

My birth Mother and my Mother of love were both born on November 3? That is odd isn't it? What are the odds that the citizens of the United States would believe our best hope for the future is in electing Republicans to Congress? Granted, the Democrats have not done what they should have done - why is that? What were they so afraid of? They had control of both the House and the Senate, why didn't they blow the doors off of politics as usual? Wasn't that what they promised us? Yes We Can! Well, maybe we could have but we didn't! That just made people mad. Will a politician ever tell us the truth? We are in bad shape, how are we going to fix it? Oh, yeah, I know - let's elect a majority of Republicans so President Obama cannot do anything. After two years he is a lame duck president - and now he cannot focus on fixing what is broken - now he has to worry about being re-elected in two years. In essence, there will be no new legislation, there will be no changes - not of any import...what are we in for? What have we done? Well, we have set in motion a period of two years during which our President is focused on being re-elected Republicans will not do anything because the President is a Dem, and they want a Republican - The Dems can't do anything because - well they really blew their chance! Now what do we do? It scares me. It really scares me because I am in the middle of nowhere. Not middle class - middle of nowhere. When you examine the states in middle America, the states which once produced stuff - you know made stuff which could be sold - those states all went Republican. That is telling isn't it? It is telling because we don't produce anything anymore. The people who live in areas which once were the foundation of this great country, they are not working. Their jobs are outsourced - I don't like that show - Outsourced. What is funny about it? It is not funny because it is true. Do you think a worker from HP, whose job was "outsourced" to India believes that show is funny? While they can't find work, and their house falls into foreclosure - while the American Dream they were promised and worked for was taken from the - What are the odds Middle America finds that show funny?
We should be alarmed. Tax cuts extended for the wealthy - to offset these tax cuts we should cut medicare, social security, unemployment benefits? I am not a great fan of the welfare forever plan, but are we really going to cut off benefits after two years no matter the circumstances? They cannot cut education anymore! Seriously, they cannot! At my school alone in just two months we have lost 3 teaching positions, the librarian, one office clerk, and one maintenance person. The cuts are not done - they continue to alarm us, keep us on pins and needles, because more are coming. WHAT? What is left to cut? 50 students in a kindergarten class? Give it a try! 3/4 teachers leave the profession before their third year of teaching! Approximately 62% of teachers, having taught over ten years are being treated for stress, anxiety or depression. World wide teaching is now rated as the third most dangerous occupation. Teaching, a dangerous occupation? What are the odds? Now Discovery will have Deadliest Catch and Classroom Catch! What are the odds we will learn? When will we realize that the words retard and fag are as painful and demeaning as the N word. See I can't even type the N word - you all know what it is but I can't type it - so now I won't type the R word, and when I say the F word I am not cussing. When will we realize this is our country and if we want real change - it has to start with us - each one of us! I feel lost. How are we going to right this ship? On another note you should drive with your windows down and let the air just blow your hair all over and turn your iPod on really loud and try to sing louder - then watch the faces of people around you! That is fun! Do you think your iPod can sense your mood and plays music which coincides with that mood? What are the odds you are feeling crazy and your iPod plays wild music? Or feeling a little melancholy your iPod plays some oldies? It is something to think about - if you have an iPod.