If we set aside our emotions, analyze our lives in the same manner we would when doing a behavior modification assessment, things would be much easier. Easier, not easiest, just easier. An individual, such as myself would find it just that much easier to regain our place of peace.
Suicide is painless. I cannot endorse that statement. Having attempted suicide myself or been a witness to suicide attempts - I cannot say it is painless - the theme song to M*A*S*H - Suicide is painless; this statement does not ring true. Suicide may begin as a small pebble; given time without intervention it becomes a huge boulder. A pea sized pebble grows into a car sized boulder time. In a short amount of time a tiny pebble becomes a huge boulder. We look back trying to carry that boulder - the other side of the road appears miles away.
God does send us hints and clues-we are so busy searching for answers we are likely to miss our clues. The process goes round and round. No wonder we feel dizzy all the time.
We are taught, when we see only one set of footprints, we are taught this is when Jesus is carrying us. That is if we believe. If we do not believe -those blurred, scratched, and dirty footbrints exist because Jesus is carrying us. When "life"is just to heavy and we are so weak - faith courses through our veins. Doesn't feel so much like that though does it? How many times do we have to dig deeper? Does the day ever come, when we have an Oprah "AHA" moment?
What about the days when we have to close the door on thinking and feeling? Even brave, strong, intelligent, compassionate people just simply fall apart - it is not a sign of failure - reality - it is just reality, moments when we are humbled and grateful for friends, faith, and family.
With so much scandal running through our congregations, we still gather there, we still lean on one another there, we need each other.
Perhaps we start, with only a small grand of sand - but it is a start. We have a beginning. We have HOPE!
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Saturday, August 24, 2013
The Problem Is...
The issue I am having is finding a comfortable place to write. As of yet I have not found a comfortagle place to sit and write. That may seem silly, however, it is not. The outlets in this apartment are in odd places. The cable and telephone modem must be where they are - messes up my feng shui(sp). It does not help any having Zippity Do Dah helping me. He is not a good speller. All great dilemmas in my simple life.
That is comical isn't it? Wrestling with Zuko's kitten hinders my opportunity to write. We all should have it that good.
I see people...not dead people, people from my past. I will catch a glimpse of someome who resembles a CA person and just for a split second I have to do a reality check. The talk lady has a word for it. Positive thought directing. Look in the mirror. I remain me. It is other people who send me in the way back machine. It has been long enough. The "way back" moments should be farther apart.. By now I should be over it - why can't I move forward ? Why am I stuck in this limbo?
With a calm rational head I see clearly this "new life." It doesn't fit. You know when you buy new sneakers; how those first few days they are so uncomfortable. Then slip on the old pair and your feet do a happy dance. Wish I could slip on my old life. If it stayed down, the food, it the food would stay down I would be a happier camper. 'I have theses blisters in my mouth, on my scalp, in my nose, in the "down there" places. They hurt. This also stinks.
The talk lady says I need to count my blessings. Live in the present rather than lamenting my past. Well ya' know I have been counting my blessings my entire life. I have had pity party, table or 1 days. They were just that days. One here and there. Now I have panic attacks which last for hours. The latest medicine prescribed to help me through a panic attack gives me the "heebie geebies" Have you experienced Heebie Geebies? Imagine thousands of bees under your skin. The noise itself would be annoying. The sensation of the furry underbelly of a young yellow jacket woud be ecough. The continual "sting" of this bee or that bee - enough already. My ears are inundated with the buzz. (not the good kind of buzz one could achieve with a bit of pharmeutical assistance)
The talk lady questions my commitment to our time together. If she only knew how much effort it takes me to drag my sorry backside over there. Mentally I begin preperations the day before - the day of the appointment, though only 45 minutes long requires 45 hours of before and after time. Makes me question her commitment - listening to me whine about what I have lost, how my physical pain and my emotional pain morph into one giant monster pain- Teahing reality 101 SHOW UP! Showing up is an important part, no, it is a vital part of teaching. A me at 50% is better than a stranger at 150%. Questioning my commitment leads me to wonder if she is committed to treating me. Now,I have the great debate should I continue.
Reality is - I am tired! I am tired of a constant battle keeping this vessel of my life afloat. Each disease involves one group of healthy cells eating another group of healthy cells. My life is a clear reflction of this. I am my own worst enemy. I am in a position to relax - Finally able to rest when I need to - not having to push past the "malady" of the day lunch special. It does make an enormous difference. I am blessed because I can receive disability retirement. This is one battle I do not have to fight. There are so many folks praying for me. I talk to God. I ask him what he needs of me? I ask him what work he needs me to complete. I pray for inner peace. I pray for friends and family I pray and I pray and I pray. The summer rush must be especially busy.
I do not want people worrying about me. I do not want people to view me as a pitiful sad sack. I am not - I am a butterfly wrapped in my chrysills. In time I shall emerge. My wings still wet from mu mother's womb, my wings too heavy to fly - yet. Then in an instant, in a moment - stretching my wings I will fly. Forever searching, listening, pausing, waiting to hear his plan for me. Onward we go dannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
That is comical isn't it? Wrestling with Zuko's kitten hinders my opportunity to write. We all should have it that good.
I see people...not dead people, people from my past. I will catch a glimpse of someome who resembles a CA person and just for a split second I have to do a reality check. The talk lady has a word for it. Positive thought directing. Look in the mirror. I remain me. It is other people who send me in the way back machine. It has been long enough. The "way back" moments should be farther apart.. By now I should be over it - why can't I move forward ? Why am I stuck in this limbo?
With a calm rational head I see clearly this "new life." It doesn't fit. You know when you buy new sneakers; how those first few days they are so uncomfortable. Then slip on the old pair and your feet do a happy dance. Wish I could slip on my old life. If it stayed down, the food, it the food would stay down I would be a happier camper. 'I have theses blisters in my mouth, on my scalp, in my nose, in the "down there" places. They hurt. This also stinks.
The talk lady says I need to count my blessings. Live in the present rather than lamenting my past. Well ya' know I have been counting my blessings my entire life. I have had pity party, table or 1 days. They were just that days. One here and there. Now I have panic attacks which last for hours. The latest medicine prescribed to help me through a panic attack gives me the "heebie geebies" Have you experienced Heebie Geebies? Imagine thousands of bees under your skin. The noise itself would be annoying. The sensation of the furry underbelly of a young yellow jacket woud be ecough. The continual "sting" of this bee or that bee - enough already. My ears are inundated with the buzz. (not the good kind of buzz one could achieve with a bit of pharmeutical assistance)
The talk lady questions my commitment to our time together. If she only knew how much effort it takes me to drag my sorry backside over there. Mentally I begin preperations the day before - the day of the appointment, though only 45 minutes long requires 45 hours of before and after time. Makes me question her commitment - listening to me whine about what I have lost, how my physical pain and my emotional pain morph into one giant monster pain- Teahing reality 101 SHOW UP! Showing up is an important part, no, it is a vital part of teaching. A me at 50% is better than a stranger at 150%. Questioning my commitment leads me to wonder if she is committed to treating me. Now,I have the great debate should I continue.
Reality is - I am tired! I am tired of a constant battle keeping this vessel of my life afloat. Each disease involves one group of healthy cells eating another group of healthy cells. My life is a clear reflction of this. I am my own worst enemy. I am in a position to relax - Finally able to rest when I need to - not having to push past the "malady" of the day lunch special. It does make an enormous difference. I am blessed because I can receive disability retirement. This is one battle I do not have to fight. There are so many folks praying for me. I talk to God. I ask him what he needs of me? I ask him what work he needs me to complete. I pray for inner peace. I pray for friends and family I pray and I pray and I pray. The summer rush must be especially busy.
I do not want people worrying about me. I do not want people to view me as a pitiful sad sack. I am not - I am a butterfly wrapped in my chrysills. In time I shall emerge. My wings still wet from mu mother's womb, my wings too heavy to fly - yet. Then in an instant, in a moment - stretching my wings I will fly. Forever searching, listening, pausing, waiting to hear his plan for me. Onward we go dannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Evil - yes or no?
Yesterday Amy and I were having a conversation about "evil." More precisely, are some people born evil? During my years of teaching we would sometimes refer to a student as having "empty eyes." A student with empty eyes would engage in behaviors that were evil. He/she would search for another's weakness, then "play" on that weakness as often as possible. Such a student would often "start fires" between others then sit back and watch them burn.
Ultimately the conversation would become about whether this student was evil.
Having spent my elementary school days at a Catholic School "evil" was often discussed. The nuns or laypeople would describe evil as people with black, or empty eyes. Sin was evil. Since we all committed sins we were all evil. Probably from the first grade on I have wrestled with "evil." Is it an adjective or a verb? Does evil describe a person or a person's behavior?
I firmly believe, within each of us the ability to commit evil acts exists. For me, evil is a behavior. It is an action verb. A person can commit behaviors we would say are evil. Does that make the person evil? These evil behaviors are not inherent in personality. Rather they are choices people make. The Catholic faith puts a lot on your shoulders - a lot of blame, a lot of responsibility, a lot of choices - Catholicism has us born already a sinner. The faith lets you know, right away, that you are born with sin and in need of forgiveness. 5 minutes old you must receive absolution for sins you were born with. That is not right. I cannot believe such a thing. In my case, my mother dying minutes after I was born - well gosh darn it, what is a girl to do.
A man kills 14 people. He is tried and sentenced to death - (by the way, we are all sentenced to death." This man goes to prison where he "finds Jesus." Then he works to gain forgiveness and peace - He does not want to burn to death. Makes me wonder if such a man is truly remorsefully? Or is he just looking for something to occupy his time? Is he a "ghost" just trying to make his time? The recidism (sp) rate for prisoners is rather high. A prisoner learns what he must do or say the "right things" if he wants hope for parole. Or maybe he really has hit bottom and Found God sitting there waiting for him.
It is a difficult question. There is no correct answer. We (Catholics) are born with sins already committed. To me that concept is incorrect. Jesus's execution we are told saves us from original sin.
If I believed in evil the world would be sad, rotten, hard concrete. The world is not sad, rotten, concrete prison cell. A newborn child is joy, wonder, miraculous - not evil. I just can't buy into evil, lying dormant until a person is old enough to find ways to act on his/her evil behaviors. We can see love. We can see hate. With evil though, we see behavior.
What is the phrase; God hangs then waits to see if you choose evil behaviors or kind behaviors. (remembering quotes, this is a flaw within me)
If evil exists then floods, bomb blasts, flying planes into buildings, all of these acts are planned. They are well thought out, planned, and executed by human beings. The action of victims, responders, committers, makes the behavior a sin. Tsunamis are payback for the sins of many - many who are not effected by tsunamis. See that doesn't make any sense. That tornado which went through a school of children - which one should be arrested? Which sinner at that school brought upon such devastation?
Each person has the choice of good or bad. Freewill, God speaks of it often. The gift of freewill used to commit acts of evil behavior. Still the question remains; are there people born or bred to become "evil?" I think if I believed evil exists in a person's DNA; Well we might as well pack our bags go see the world.
Religion and politics, 2 things you should not discuss with friends; Philosophically speaking it is an interesting topic. It can be come a boring load of BS. Rhetoric and flashes, quite contemplation. Ya' do have to pre-think this one. Not too long though. Are people born evil or has life made them engage in behaviors that are evil.
If forgiveness and absolution of sin takes ten minutes on a Saturday after noon, then why not go buck wild the rest of the week? Take your weekly confession. Your good to go. Confession a topic for another time.
No, I do not believe evil is an adjective you can use to describe people. It is an adverb you can use to describe behavior. All of us running in this human race may engage in "evil" behaviors. Head to confession on Saturday. Say their ten Hail Mary's', commit an act of kindness; then they are free to go on with their evil selves and do whatever they choose. Upon the time of their death a priest can forgive the dead person making the gates of heaven within reach? Really?
Behaviors are evil. A person can commit evil behaviors, People though, all of us in this marathon of life - there is more good than bad, more acts of kindness than bullying - There has to be. I have seen it. I have been blessed many times. I choose to think these thoughts. I choose to look for kindness. I choose to act in kindness. In fact I believe if we all looked for "goodness" then all we would find is God's children sharing the swings on life's playground. What do you think?
Ultimately the conversation would become about whether this student was evil.
Having spent my elementary school days at a Catholic School "evil" was often discussed. The nuns or laypeople would describe evil as people with black, or empty eyes. Sin was evil. Since we all committed sins we were all evil. Probably from the first grade on I have wrestled with "evil." Is it an adjective or a verb? Does evil describe a person or a person's behavior?
I firmly believe, within each of us the ability to commit evil acts exists. For me, evil is a behavior. It is an action verb. A person can commit behaviors we would say are evil. Does that make the person evil? These evil behaviors are not inherent in personality. Rather they are choices people make. The Catholic faith puts a lot on your shoulders - a lot of blame, a lot of responsibility, a lot of choices - Catholicism has us born already a sinner. The faith lets you know, right away, that you are born with sin and in need of forgiveness. 5 minutes old you must receive absolution for sins you were born with. That is not right. I cannot believe such a thing. In my case, my mother dying minutes after I was born - well gosh darn it, what is a girl to do.
A man kills 14 people. He is tried and sentenced to death - (by the way, we are all sentenced to death." This man goes to prison where he "finds Jesus." Then he works to gain forgiveness and peace - He does not want to burn to death. Makes me wonder if such a man is truly remorsefully? Or is he just looking for something to occupy his time? Is he a "ghost" just trying to make his time? The recidism (sp) rate for prisoners is rather high. A prisoner learns what he must do or say the "right things" if he wants hope for parole. Or maybe he really has hit bottom and Found God sitting there waiting for him.
It is a difficult question. There is no correct answer. We (Catholics) are born with sins already committed. To me that concept is incorrect. Jesus's execution we are told saves us from original sin.
If I believed in evil the world would be sad, rotten, hard concrete. The world is not sad, rotten, concrete prison cell. A newborn child is joy, wonder, miraculous - not evil. I just can't buy into evil, lying dormant until a person is old enough to find ways to act on his/her evil behaviors. We can see love. We can see hate. With evil though, we see behavior.
What is the phrase; God hangs then waits to see if you choose evil behaviors or kind behaviors. (remembering quotes, this is a flaw within me)
If evil exists then floods, bomb blasts, flying planes into buildings, all of these acts are planned. They are well thought out, planned, and executed by human beings. The action of victims, responders, committers, makes the behavior a sin. Tsunamis are payback for the sins of many - many who are not effected by tsunamis. See that doesn't make any sense. That tornado which went through a school of children - which one should be arrested? Which sinner at that school brought upon such devastation?
Each person has the choice of good or bad. Freewill, God speaks of it often. The gift of freewill used to commit acts of evil behavior. Still the question remains; are there people born or bred to become "evil?" I think if I believed evil exists in a person's DNA; Well we might as well pack our bags go see the world.
Religion and politics, 2 things you should not discuss with friends; Philosophically speaking it is an interesting topic. It can be come a boring load of BS. Rhetoric and flashes, quite contemplation. Ya' do have to pre-think this one. Not too long though. Are people born evil or has life made them engage in behaviors that are evil.
If forgiveness and absolution of sin takes ten minutes on a Saturday after noon, then why not go buck wild the rest of the week? Take your weekly confession. Your good to go. Confession a topic for another time.
No, I do not believe evil is an adjective you can use to describe people. It is an adverb you can use to describe behavior. All of us running in this human race may engage in "evil" behaviors. Head to confession on Saturday. Say their ten Hail Mary's', commit an act of kindness; then they are free to go on with their evil selves and do whatever they choose. Upon the time of their death a priest can forgive the dead person making the gates of heaven within reach? Really?
Behaviors are evil. A person can commit evil behaviors, People though, all of us in this marathon of life - there is more good than bad, more acts of kindness than bullying - There has to be. I have seen it. I have been blessed many times. I choose to think these thoughts. I choose to look for kindness. I choose to act in kindness. In fact I believe if we all looked for "goodness" then all we would find is God's children sharing the swings on life's playground. What do you think?
Monday, August 5, 2013
I know...
I know I have been away. I had to stop writing here because Mommie always said; "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything." If Mommie asked me to paint the sky purple I would start looking for ladders, duct tape and a paint brush - or maybe a power sprayer, make the job faster.
Through these days of silence I have searched my soul, my heart, my head-I have examined and reexamined all events from the past 4 years. I have had many conversations with God. I have expelled many shards of glass.
I was deep in depression. I didn't know. After my "industrial work accident" everything changed. And I do mean everything. There I stood on top of the world, deeply in love with Liz, completely enthralled with my Em. The depth of colors, the shades of beauty, the loyalty of my friends - Donald, Michelle, Aaron, Jessie, Trish, Diego, Sandy- Then I go to Weemes. I am surrounded by an amazingly gifted, dedicated, and professional group of teachers you could ever find.
I was on top of the mountain - the view took my breath away. At night when I would talk to God I thanked him for all life's challenges - this reward - the life we built was love, laughter, loyalty, honesty - My life, a helium filled balloon then POP! The descent started and I did not even know it. I was falling into a depression so consuming it turned my insides into glass.
Do you know how many screw ups happened regarding my "industrial work accident?" How many people dropped the ball? How hard it is to fight LAUSD? If the "SYSTEM" worked times may have turned different. We will never know. I will never know. Taken from me the love of my life, my daughter, my sister, my calling, my dignity, my self-respect, my strength.
When I came to Malone that summer I had my first schism. I was not taking pain medication then. Everything went to pieces - shards of glass all around me. No one could help me. I could not help myself. Having that reality is a big chunk of glass! Me, Lisa C. Stewart - man God has been throwing me change ups from the moment I was born. I handled it.
When I could muster some strength I found; "Just Another Brick in The Wall." Just another barricade. I wasn't alone. Everyone was helping, but I think I was already gone. I was gone. To survive my inside turned to glass. My outside didn't move. I failed.
Self Pity party of 1? Nope! Regrets, so many regrets. When I returned to CA in summer '09 I was going to tell Liz how much I loved her, Em, us - our family. That I would not leave them again. I was going to fix my family. It was too late-before I could tell her my revelations she told me we were done. I should have said no. I should have fought more, proven myself, I should have written her name with the night star. It was gone. My fight, used up by LAUSD and SEDGEWICK. It is not an excuse. I would give anything to go back to that life. It is gone. I have to let it go - I don't know how.
My health heading South, shingles - then that pituitary fiasco. Life has taken so much. I no longer want life.
I talk with God. I sit in silence praying for just a word, a small clue, something tangible I can look up the road and see. Something I can achieve. He keeps me here because my work is not finished. His plan for me not complete. I beg for an answer. I listen, listen, listen. I wait. God does not want to share with me right now. I disappointed him when my harms hung limp from fighting for so long.
I count my blessings. I have many. I am grateful for all of you who stand with me. I truly don't know what my purpose is and God is not talking.
Reckon I have to keep praying, keep talking, keep working - I fell a long way down. Climbing this mountain the first time I could see what waited for me there. This time I see nothing but blue sky with cotton candy clouds. What's a girl to do?
Through these days of silence I have searched my soul, my heart, my head-I have examined and reexamined all events from the past 4 years. I have had many conversations with God. I have expelled many shards of glass.
I was deep in depression. I didn't know. After my "industrial work accident" everything changed. And I do mean everything. There I stood on top of the world, deeply in love with Liz, completely enthralled with my Em. The depth of colors, the shades of beauty, the loyalty of my friends - Donald, Michelle, Aaron, Jessie, Trish, Diego, Sandy- Then I go to Weemes. I am surrounded by an amazingly gifted, dedicated, and professional group of teachers you could ever find.
I was on top of the mountain - the view took my breath away. At night when I would talk to God I thanked him for all life's challenges - this reward - the life we built was love, laughter, loyalty, honesty - My life, a helium filled balloon then POP! The descent started and I did not even know it. I was falling into a depression so consuming it turned my insides into glass.
Do you know how many screw ups happened regarding my "industrial work accident?" How many people dropped the ball? How hard it is to fight LAUSD? If the "SYSTEM" worked times may have turned different. We will never know. I will never know. Taken from me the love of my life, my daughter, my sister, my calling, my dignity, my self-respect, my strength.
When I came to Malone that summer I had my first schism. I was not taking pain medication then. Everything went to pieces - shards of glass all around me. No one could help me. I could not help myself. Having that reality is a big chunk of glass! Me, Lisa C. Stewart - man God has been throwing me change ups from the moment I was born. I handled it.
When I could muster some strength I found; "Just Another Brick in The Wall." Just another barricade. I wasn't alone. Everyone was helping, but I think I was already gone. I was gone. To survive my inside turned to glass. My outside didn't move. I failed.
Self Pity party of 1? Nope! Regrets, so many regrets. When I returned to CA in summer '09 I was going to tell Liz how much I loved her, Em, us - our family. That I would not leave them again. I was going to fix my family. It was too late-before I could tell her my revelations she told me we were done. I should have said no. I should have fought more, proven myself, I should have written her name with the night star. It was gone. My fight, used up by LAUSD and SEDGEWICK. It is not an excuse. I would give anything to go back to that life. It is gone. I have to let it go - I don't know how.
My health heading South, shingles - then that pituitary fiasco. Life has taken so much. I no longer want life.
I talk with God. I sit in silence praying for just a word, a small clue, something tangible I can look up the road and see. Something I can achieve. He keeps me here because my work is not finished. His plan for me not complete. I beg for an answer. I listen, listen, listen. I wait. God does not want to share with me right now. I disappointed him when my harms hung limp from fighting for so long.
I count my blessings. I have many. I am grateful for all of you who stand with me. I truly don't know what my purpose is and God is not talking.
Reckon I have to keep praying, keep talking, keep working - I fell a long way down. Climbing this mountain the first time I could see what waited for me there. This time I see nothing but blue sky with cotton candy clouds. What's a girl to do?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)