Statute of Limitations

There has to be some point when we stop using our screwed up childhoods as an excuse for being unhappy adults. Holding on to anger and bitterness eats you alive - it knows at your insides just a little bit every day until one day you are a hollowed out gray ghost wandering the cereal isle with no idea if you want high fiber or sweet circles. I'm not saying the pain of a messed up childhood won't reach up & bite you now and again...lord knows it will. I'm just saying there are 1,000 moments in between in which you decide how you wish your life to be. Given that the past cannot be changed holding onto it serves no purpose. The past is not an excuse for being unhappy. Many of us have required professional help to recover from childhood trauma. For some the trauma was too great, the scars too deep, there was no way to completely heal - however, if you have a "life" today, you are now the responsible party for your life. That may be one tough nut to crack - the past may be a heavy trailer hitched to yor tail...it can be released - there are means through which you can free yourself from all tha weight. No one says it is easy, just seems to me the work is worth the reward. All we have in our control is this moment, this measure of time, & it is so precious - so valuable, giving away any more of it than was taken by a messed up childhood - well, don't do it! You made it out, you survived - now thrive...show whatever or whoever that they can no longer ruin one second of your life because you have control-you are in the drivers seat and you will go wherever you darn well please however you darn well please so they can just go suck raw eggs because this is your life and you are going to have a ball - you are going to celebrate every moment. You are going to give each day one heck of a ride...open every morning like Christmas! Yes, some days will snap up and bite you - PTSD does not give you fair warning - the rest of the time though, goodness, celebrate,enjoy, be happy - it is your life now! You are the person deciding how your life is going to be - happiness is in your hands - I sure wish there was a road map...if you survived then you have the power & strength to thrive. Don't sell yourself short. You can do it! Now, the choices are yours! Choose life! Choose happiness! Choose joy! Choose forgiveness! Choose you!

I Know This

I know this - it is more difficult to care for a sick loved one than to be the sick loved one. I know this because I have walked a mile in both pair of shoes. When I was caring for Mommie, I think I held my breath for the better part of three years. I wanted to do everything I could to make her comfortable and happy. I did not leave the house without hugging & kissing her, making sure to say "I love you." when I was out I picked up a treat for her...magazine, ice cream, candy bar, rag sheet - something, anything. When I returned I practically sprinted to her room, praying the whole way that she would be fine. I weighed 86 pounds when she passed. I slept in the hospital 24 straight nights. The one night I stayed home, she passed. I reckon she didn't want me there. If she just sneezed I panicked. Taking care of Mommie was difficult, it was also the best thing I have ever done. Dr.'s appointments, chemo treatments, blood transfusions, all of it scared me - all of it filled me with strength I never knew I had. There was the constant worry, the fear I wasn't doing a good job, or doing the right things. Sometimes she was so sick I wanted to take her to the hospital...she inevitably denied my urgings. Only one time did she let me take her to the ER. There were moments of great frustration. There were moments of deep connecting. She would be sick for days, just sleep-refuse to eat-then someone would come to visit, she would sit up, even get out of bed and go sit in the living room - all jovial, laughing and chatting. I'll tell ya I would get frustrated. I'm telling folks how sick she was & when they visited she was just fine. People must have thought I was nuts. I was happy she would get up & dressed for company, but I knew how hard it was for her. She was strong, stubborn, & didn't want anyone to know how she really felt. Unfortunately I find myself wearing the other shoes. I need help with daily living. Some days are good - some days are bad. I know the weight of caring for someone you love-it is darned hard...yet, you want to do it - and you want to be perfect. You strive to anticipate every need - yet you never feel your doing a good enough job. It is not for lack of trying, caring for a loved one is hard...yet there will come a day when you realize you have given that person the greatest gift - one day it will sink in, your love & care filled you as much as it filled the person you were caring for. And I'm a stubborn sucker! And I am sometimes angry - not exactly how I envisioned my life at 49! Yet I am humbled, for my Poopy Sister would walk a thousand miles to get me something I wanted. She keeps ice water in my cup, my favorite snacks on the end table - she anticipates my needs before I need them. I know I frustrate her. I sit up & chat when company comes... This is a big adjustment for a previously very independent woman. I plan to get better. I plan to prove the Dr's wrong. I believe I can heal myself - I am strong & stubborn! I have things left to do - now I'm up here in Malone...Eileen is wearing the caretaker shoes, Poopy is in Texas worrying about me so much more. I feel like crap for making so many folks worry. It is what it is - each of us doing the best we can...love is amazing! It empowers us to accomplish feats we would never thought of! I am humbled for the lengths my Poopy Sister has gone to for me. She is amazing. And Eileen, my Malone family - I am so blessed! I still plan on getting better, I'm just not done with my business here...I need to learn to ask for help, to accept help, and I need to keep fighting to do for myself. Keep fighting to get stronger, better. I know it is more difficult wearing the shoes of care provider. Especially when your dealing with someone stubborn as I am - I also know there are going to be moments of collosal frustration, and moments of peace...it's a moment by moment journey we are on, we will get through - love is a strong platform. I am blessed. Humbled, grateful, unmanageable how much kindness I receive every day - we are going to beat this. Ultimately, we are all going to learn valuable lessons - perhaps not in the middle of the storm...they are there. Life is truly amazing!