Mantei Te'o and the Like...

Is it just me or is this entire Mantei Te'O situation just somewhat beyond belief? In an interview, conducted by and ESPN broadcaster, way back in October - Did anyone see that?
This young man, the supposed leader of Notre Dame's football team, has the demeanor of a child. His facial expressions, his eyes, his vocabulary, his naivete' were so evident had I not known his age I would of thought him a 14 or 15 year old boy.
Cyber world is a place where anyone can be duped. Having a cyber relationship is not uncommon. More couples meet on the Internet than any other place. These couples actually meet. This kid speaks of the love of his life, he never met her. He speaks of staying on the phone with her until she fell asleep as that was the only way she could fall asleep. He has kept messages which he has shared with media.
Notre Dame is an institution of higher learning based on Faith, Football, and GPA. When I think of Notre Dame I place it in the academic circles of Stanford, Harvard, Duke - Maintaining a high academic standard in lieu of recruiting football players just so the school could win football games. Mr. Te'o has obliterated this belief.
Notre Dame administrators knew of this "hoax" in early December. They did not share any of it until after the National Championship Game. Their investigation consisted of listening to a few voice mails, listening to Mantei and listening to his parents. After this "deep and thorough" investigation they found Mantei's story credible. So while Notre Dame fans, college football fans, Mantei's teammates, coaches and players from other teams, while all of these people spoke of Mantei's courage and resiliency - they were being deceived.
I cannot respect a University that keeps quiet this "hoax" thereby leaving many of us to pray for this young man and admire his strength of character. An administration, putting football in front of truth - they should all feel shame.
This young man is just one of the many young men who possess athletic skill. The athletic skill carries with it so many benefits for the athlete, his family, and the University he attends each is willing to look away when it is obvious the athlete is a human being with mental illness or defect.
Ron Artest, Lamar Odom, Mike Tyson and Baron Davis, the entire 1986 Mets Baseball Team, are athletes who come to mind. These young men were so athletically gifted everyone in their circle looked the other way when their behavior clearly indicated there was something amiss.
Some athletes such as Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, Wayne Gretzky, Tom Brady; these athletes have a look in their eye, a look of determination, a look so hot it could melt ice. Their athletic gift is only matched by their practice regiment and their demand of teammates to put in the same amount of work. The eyes of such athletes are black as coal and hard as diamonds.
Then there are the athletes, who only need open their mouth and you know something is missing. The eyes of these athletes appear innocent and vulnerable, sometimes even confused. For them being on the "big stage" is a thrill similar to you or I riding a roller coaster. It almost seems they can't fully digest all that is happening around them. Thus their behavior is sometimes self-destructive, demonstrative, and bizarre.
In general we worship athletes. Parents start training their children as early as 1 year of age. Becoming a professional athlete brings "a pass" into a world of glamour and celebrity. School becomes secondary. Teachers look the other way. Grades are doctored. Many people are complicit in this road map to the big leagues. It is an accepted part of today's society.
The result of such "grooming" creates an individual who can hit a ball, shoot the three, drive a ball, or hit a slap shot - the same individual cannot read or write a coherent sentence. They have no need for impulse control; their every whim is filled by one of the many who ride his coat tails. (We see this more and more among female athletes)
Tuiasapopo has an excellent "spin" adviser. He will tell his side on The Dr. Phil Show. This is just to let us all know he is mentally ill - his defense when someone sues someone.
Teo is a young man who exhibits behaviors that indicate he has a mental disease or defect. Such athletes are present every where. In every sport. We, the fans, are somehow assisting in this sad circle.
I'll tell you this - if I were an NFL scout I would not draft Teo. Falling victim to such a scam, that kid will be nothing but trouble and he won't perform - he will not be a gifted linebacker in the NFL.
These stories are sad. These stories will continue to be told as long as we place fame over substance, money over education, popularity over work ethic. Shoot any ethics! Really sad.

Just So You Know

     I have begun to use the large font because the normal font is too small. I can't read what I am writing.
     Bacon really does make everything taste better - go figure.
     If you cook way too much Kraft Mac and Cheese, leaving you with a casserole dish full of leftovers. The next night throw some seasoning in it, bread crumbs on top, put it in the oven to bake. When served someone will believe you could mac and cheese from scratch.
     On July 9, 2012 I sustained an accidental dog bite to my right thumb. The result was a blood blister right where the cuticle and nail meet. On January 22, 2013 I clipped off the last piece of that blood blister. By my calculations it took 7.2 months for my nail to completely regenerate.
     Did she or didn't she? Beyonce' and The National Anthem. While browsing news stations the other day I happened upon this great controversy. How silly. What does it matter? This morning my 9 year old niece was watching a video of Beyonce' singing The National Anthem. In full voice, my niece was singing right along. Could she have lip sung The Anthem if she pulled out that ear piece?
     When making meatloaf there are no bad ingredients - OK, maybe Cheerios, but I doubt it. My sister in-law, Kitty, made a terrific meatloaf. She did not bake it. Instead, in an iron skillet with aluminum foil she cooked it on the stove top. I don't recall the details. I do recall it tasted great.
     Today is a sad day for the fan of football. The pro-bowl is a joke!
     Today is a great day for the fan of basketball. Three nationally televised games. All handpicked for their "star" quality matchups.
     Guess Jillian from The Biggest Loser had grown too big for her tight fitting tank top. She left The Biggest Loser to do a bunch of commercials. I see she is back on The Biggest Loser - giving new meaning to the show's title.
     They will seriously put anything on television these days. Yesterday you could watch a marathon of Gold Diggers followed by a marathon of Duck Dynasty. Today there is a marathon of Digging for Gold followed by a marathon of Moonshiners. Oh me oh my! The Biggest Nerd is a hit, along with Impractical Jokers. Storage Wars now airs from four states. Hoarders, or a version there of aires on A&E, The Discovery Channel and The Learning Channel.
     Recycling is important. An X Games snow boarder is wearing a tuke made from 6 recycled plastic bottles.
     On the X Games. Professional snow boarders? No, we did all that stuff when we were kids. Our boards were cardboard. Our mountains were not groomed and we did not have sponsors. Oh yeah, empty bread bags kept our feet warm - so we were in fact "recycling."
     Bought one of those Razor Scooters the other day. Everyone should have one. It is an excellent way to exercise Zuko. The kids in the "hood"  think I am the coolest grandma on the street and behaving with child like enthusiasm does not make you childish, it makes you young. You can ride around the block with your niece which makes her so happy. The older we become age wise, the more important it is to engage in activities of our youth. The ensuing joy and laughter takes years off. At my current rate I calculate my age to actually be 26. Next week I am going to buy a Light Bright and an Etch a Sketch.
     Leftover, leftover mac and cheese is best served fried.
     Have you ever had a dream which, hours after you woke up, brought a smile to your face? Isn't that great?
     I do love the ads with the fork and words about the fork being an assault weapon because using it leads to obesity, heart disease, diabetes, and death. Very clever of those gun owners. Ya' know I more often choose to eat with a spoon. It is less messy, scoops up ever last morsels, allows me bigger bites, and it is much easier to wash. I must point out though - the fork, like the gun - is only an assault weapon when a person pulls the trigger. The biggest difference between the "Assault" fork and the assault weapon; The "Assault" fork slowly kills the person using it. The assault weapon rapidly kills many innocent people.
     Is anyone still holding true to a New Year's resolution?
     When at Sonic they bring your order to your car, should you tip the server or not? I say yes. The server in a restaurant brings the food to my table. How is this different than the server bringing the food to my car? Drive thru I am being handed my food - no tip. Car hop service, yes a tip. What's your take?
     Power tools are not just for boys anymore. The number of woman I know, from all walks of life, who have power tools - and they know how to use them...well, that number is almost 5. Isn't that great?
     I want to know what Betty White drank, ate, submerged her body in, whatever it was I am in. That woman is timeless. Hot in Cleveland is a funny show. I say yes.
     President Obama acted in direct violation of The Constitution when he appointed some people to some positions when Congress was in recess. Now some regulations regarding safe drinking water, funding for school crossing guards, and a bill of rights for elderly patients living in nursing homes will be revoked. W. acted in direct violation of The Constitution when he engaged our country on a war with Iraq for no reason. The hundreds of men and women of our military who died in this war cannot be brought back to life. The billions of dollars spent on this war cannot be returned to its coffers. One of these things is not like the other - How stupid does the right think an average American Citizen is? Wait, don't answer that - I don't want to know.
     I think the accomplish three things rule is catching on. Yesterday Zuko ate fried mac and cheese, bacon, and beef jerky.
     Doesn't matter how heavy the load, new washing machines have a setting for it. Just like us. Amazing how technology is catching up humans.
     One last thing; Just So You Know - if you read all the way to this point I am extremely grateful. Thank you and I love you.
     Peace out with paragraphs completed.

10 Minutes

I may have written about Scotty before. I may have written about him several times. He has been on my mind a lot these past few weeks. It was Amy, my niece, Scotty's daughter; She changed her FB profile picture. When standing next to her mom, Amy and Wanda look like sisters. They are two peas in a pod. In that profile picture I saw my brother Scotty. It was Amy's eyes. Her eyes are like Scotty's. They hold the same majestic secrets. Thus he has been on my mind.
Scotty had a hard childhood. Scotty was a hard man. I believe he was 15 or 16 years older than me. As a young child I remember how mean Scotty was. He was an alcoholic. He was a mean drunk. Wanda endured a lot of abuse. We all did. Scotty had a mean tongue. If he could cut you with his words, he would.
Scotty worked with Daddy Pat in construction. He worked long hard hours. Then he drank long hard hours. Daddy Pat and Scotty went to work every day. Not a hangover, illness, weather - if there was a contract that needed completion, they went to work.
Oh I remember this Scotty. For 31 years I was pretty much afraid of him. We all were.
Scotty held faith, family, friends and work. That was the order. Scotty attended church on Sunday. He was always "there" for any of us. If any of his sisters, his father, mother, wife or daughter were in need, Scotty "provided." 
 I don't remember when or why he stopped drinking. I am glad he did. When sober Scotty had the most impish twinkle in his eye. If you looked into Scotty's eyes there was  a young boy just itching to play. Though he had a sarcastic smile - when he laughed you had to laugh with him. When Scotty spoke it was wise to listen. He was an intelligent man who spoke with clarity and common sense. What Scotty said, these were words to ingest.
You know how you can live your life knowing someone then a few minutes can change everything? This is what happened between Scotty and I.
While I was caring for Mommie Scotty came by almost everyday. He came by for lunch. After dinner he often came by so we could play ping pong. We spent a lot of time playing ping pong. I know I have told of how if we played 1,000 games of ping pong, I never beat him. He never took it "easy" on me. That was not Scotty. When you thought you were close to reaching his expectations -- Scotty would raise those expectations. Though Scotty never let me win and I never acquired the skill to beat him-I was a very good ping pong player. In HS senior hall, I was the champion.
See in those games of ping pong, or his demand of stacking wood to perfection, or his expectation of high grades, a clean room, attending school every day - Scotty was demanding, his demanding made me a better person. Though he did not know how to teach with kindness, his life lessons were invaluable. Scotty had difficulty saying "good job" or "I love you." He did not dole out praise. He just kept raising that bar.
It was 10 minutes. Measure your life by the moments that take your breath away.
Mommie had been hospitalized for 6 days. She went into the hospital for an overnight stay to have some test completed. On her first night she suffered a minor stroke. They kept her a second night. She was not improving. Her one night stay was into its fifth night. After work I went straight to the hospital. On that fifth night, when I arrived Mommie was in excruciating pain. Her abdomen was swollen. It kept swelling. As I sat there with her I could see it growing larger. The nurses ignored my pleas to call a Dr. They said Mommie was constipated. They said an enema was all she needed.
I knew they were wrong so I had a "Terms of Endearment" moment. Went all crazy up in there. The Dr. said Mommie required immediate surgery. The surgery left her in the ICU. This circumstance gave Scotty and I those 10 minutes during which we were both forever changed.
When someone is in the ICU there are 10 minutes out of each hour during which two family members may go inside to visit. The waiting room was small. Sadly, it was full. I sat in the blue chairs sipping my Mountain Dew waiting for those 10 minutes during which I could go inside and see Mommie. I kept with me a brush and some lipstick. Mommie would not want to be seen unless her hair was somewhat done and her lipstick applied.
Scotty arrived. He asked me how Mommie was. We talked about the weather. Then the 10 minutes came. The ICU was a circle. The nurses station in the middle. You were allowed in one door and exited through a different door. Walking that circle you avoided looking at each bed. Patients of the ICU were in bad shape.
Scotty and I arrived at Mommie's bed. I started to brush her hair and apply her lipstick. While doing this I talked to her. Told her Scotty was here. Told her I had spoken with Aldona Mae and Rosemary. Just talked to her. After a few minutes, I looked up at Scotty. He was standing a few feet from the bed. He was looking at Mommie. He was holding his breath. I told him to come closer. Encouraged him to talk to Mommie because I knew she could hear us. As I stroked her arm I said to him;
"You can touch her it's OK."
I watched Scotty's adams apple move up and down. He was swallowing so hard in a fight against his tears. He did not come closer. He was having difficulty breathing. Without lifting his head, he moved his eyes and looked at Mommie. Scotty's eyes were red rimmed and glassy. In them, for the first time in my life, I saw that little boy but this time he was afraid, he was so very sad.
The 10 minutes were up. We were ushered back into the dank waiting room. Scotty walked into the hallway. He leaned against the railing. His eyes still focused on the worn blue carpet. In an almost inaudible whisper he said;
"How do you do that?"
"Do what?" I replied.
"How do you wait here for 10 minutes, touch her, put on lipstick?"
"Well, I don't know. Mommie would not want to be seen without her lipstick you know that."
Then I kind of punched him in the arm.
"Mommie is going to be OK." I said to him.
"I have to get back. I respect you. Thank you."
Now I held my breath. I swallowed hard fighting back tears. To those words I did not have a response. Scotty kept his gaze on the carpet. Our conversation whispered. Were it not for my "teacher" hearing I may not have heard those words. Though hearing the words may not have made a difference.
It was in those 10 minutes inside that ICU room - the dynamics of my relationship with my brother Scotty changed.
I was no longer "sausage head" or a "good egg" just a little bit cracked. No longer were my prose and poetry "silly words." Teaching was not an "easy" vocation. I was no longer afraid of Scotty. He did not see me as a weak person, not anymore.
"Do you need anything?" he asked.
"Do you have any cash. I am almost out and I don't want to leave to go to the bank."
Scotty took his worn brown wallet from his back pocket. He emptied the contents. He handed them to me. It was $24.00.
"Is that enough? Do you want me to go to the bank and get more?"
"No this is fine. Thank you. Mommie is going to get out of there Scotty. She is going to be fine."
Scotty glanced ever so briefly at me. He sort of punched me in the arm. He turned to leave.
"Keep in touch. Let me know..." He whispered.
"Yeah, OK. I will talk to you later."
Down the hall he walked. His head was bowed. He did not look back. Turning left towards the elevator he disappeared.
I stood there for several minutes, my breathing returning. What just happened? Poor Scotty I thought. He was so afraid. Wow, I have never seen Scotty afraid.
After those 10 minutes nothing between Scotty and I was the same. We were bound in a new way. I held wisdom to which he quietly listened. When he looked at me his eyes spoke of an ache in his heart and pride - he was proud because I was his sister. He was proud of me. He respected me. He was grateful to me.
After Mommie passed I returned to CA. Once and again Scotty called me. He called me! 10 minutes changed 31 years of fear - 10 minutes changed 31 years of humorous tolerance. 10 minutes forged a mutual bond of love, respect, and gratitude.
About a month before Scotty died he called me. During that conversation - yes Scotty and I now had conversation. He spoke then listened to my reply. It was so cool. Scotty spoke of finally getting it with Daddy Pat. Finally understanding why he acquiesced to Mommie's every whim.
"Dad wasn't weak, he loved her."
Scotty continued to say such things. He spoke about Wanda. He said he was a lucky man because Wanda loved him so much she stayed with him. He told me how proud he was of Amy. How much he enjoyed looking at her.
"I didn't realize she was so smart."
And on he went. Addressing each family member. Speaking of this "new light" from which he saw everyone differently.
Scotty died suddenly and unexpectedly on a Friday night after having dinner with friends. There in the living room of the house he built for Wanda,  the same way his father at built a house for Mommie - In front of my dear Wanda and their dinner companions, Scotty died.
When I delivered his eulogy I so wanted that church full of people to understand, to really know that my brother Scotty - though on the exterior so hard and guarded - I wanted to express to everyone there that Scotty was forged from hardship yet his core was built from love. His sharp tongue and unbending expectations were walls he built as a means to protect his little boy hopes and dreams. It was so important to me - I wished everyone could see the "eyes" of my brother Scotty. The eyes I saw in that picture of my beautiful niece Amy - the eyes that look at me from his picture sitting on my desk.
10 minutes. Amazing when you think about it. Yes, measure your life by the moments which take your breath away. Those moments may not always be happy or joyous. They may not occur when all is going well. Embrace those "breathless" moments. We never know what precious gifts are given us in one minute or 10 minutes.

I Don't Understand

     Sorry I am typing so slow. I bought a new vegetable peeler yesterday.  It is very sharp!
     Here in this town of Sulphur Springs everyone sort of knows everyone.  Wal-Mart is the store you have to shop at. There are a few Tractor/Feed Supply stores. Gas is more expensive here than in the surrounding towns. Yes, that does sound familiar to Malone. (for those of my fellow Malonians) Even the weather drastically changes from day to day.
     What is different is the mentality of it's people.  Of course this is the South. Malone is definitely the North. However, this is not just the South...No siree Bob! This is Texas! The state most often attempting to secede from the Union. Here in Texas when you leave your home you grab your wallet, your keys, and your gun.  At the Wal-Mart go ahead and buy another gun. Bypass Federal limits on the purchase of ammo simply by driving a few miles to ammo depot.
     Yes, there are cowboy hats, boots, cattle, and trucks. On every corner there is a church. Prior to January 1, 2013 this was a dry county. (the irony of an Irish Catholic  living in a dry county could give a stand up comic months of fresh material!) ((NO Poopy, I am not talking about you)) If you wanted a drink you could;
                    1) go to Chili's and sign a paper fondly called The Lush List.
                    2) become a member of the local Elks,Legion, or other "private" club.  You can drink as a member of "private organizations."
                    3) drive to the next county. Right on the county line there are 2 liquor depots.
     Reckon this county realized how much liquor taxes were going up so now you can by beer at Wal-Mart. You can by wine at Brookshires (a high priced grocery store.) There is even a rumor about town that Joe's Subs, Bait, Tackle and Gas has closed for remodeling and will reopen - dramatic pause...prerequisite gasp, as a (wait for it) LIQUOR STORE!
      In Sulphur Springs God, Country, and Family are the code which most live by. In front of beautiful southern homes, built on acres of land, the flag of The United States, The Texas State Flag, and some branch of military flag blow freely in the Texas wind. On that same lawn you are likely to see, there stuck in the ground - close to the road, a sign depicting President Obama with a red line across his face or a bulls eye, or the words NO.
     Is it just me or is there something wrong with that image? While patriotism is evident everywhere and military service is applauded; the President's image is used for target practice. 
     How can you serve your country while wishing the President was assassinated? Sure, I have had bosses I did not especially like, but wish them dead, ah, NO. The freedom to display such signs is a right earned by men and women dying in protection of this country. The democratic process, so well expounded upon by our Founding Fathers - elected President Obama. The same process that gave W. 4 more years. W. did not win the popular vote. He won the electoral vote - so, even though the majority did not want W. to have 4 more years - the rules laid out in our Republic's Constitution put him back in the White House. Even with the questions surrounding voting machines and hanging chads, and absentee ballots - the Democratic process prevailed. (or as the conspirators believe he just refused to leave the White House because this Country's history was already written W. was required as President)
     This is what I do not understand; While we may not like the individual elected as President, we have a Patriotic imperative to support our country. In a place, such as Sulphur Springs, where Patriotism is in evidence everywhere, so is hatred for our President. I do not get that. Hatred of anyone, in and of itself is difficult for me, hatred of The President in a town where military service is considered a true calling - well, it just does not make any sense.
     The argument would go;
"I don't want a liberal democrat being President."
" I understand, but he was elected fair and square."
"I am not sure it was fair and square. A lot of news people are reporting about rigged voting machines, some people having to wait for hours to vote, absentee ballots not counted correctly."
  "Sounds a lot like what happened when W. was elected for his 2nd term."
"Seriously, the two are apples and oranges."
     I don't understand how a person with a grain of common sense can argue the validity of President Obamas' place in office while simultaneously arguing that W.'s 2nd term was won without any questions.
     I do not understand how you can encourage your son or daughter to become soldiers if you hate the man who would be their "boss."
     I cannot comprehend flying The United States flag and posting a sign depicting the death of the President. It doesn't make any sense to me. I know,do not have conversations with friends about politics or religion,(or the Raiders - Raider fans are fanatical)It is the beauty of our country which allows us to disagree, to debate - heck, it is debate which created The Constitution. We agree to disagree because that is democracy. Majority rules. If it is not your guy on Pennsylvania Avenue that is OK. In 2 years you can vote again - elect all conservative congress people. In 4 years, President Obama is out, we elect a new president.
     All of it - the entire process - it is beautiful. It is amazing! A group of men, over 200 years ago, had such intelligence and fore sight they wrote one of the most powerful documents ever composed. The ideals and freedoms The Constitution represent are inspiring - they allow you to fly The United States Flag while openly displaying your dislike for the President. I guess I just do not understand how you can do such a thing.
     Of course you could fill the Grand Canyon with what I don't understand - why would any place of faith and worship espouse hatred? Why would an individual teach hatred to their children? Why does anyone need to own an assault rifle? When being nice is so much easier, why are some folks mean - just to be mean?
     I just do not understand people. During this difficult economic time - when so many have lost so much - when we need to pull together, support one another - why do some folks choose to be unkind? When a tragic massacre takes place, like Sandy Hook, why do gun owners automatically begin their rhetoric regarding their right to own guns - they have a right to own guns, yes - an assault rifle is not a gun for sport, it is a gun for killing. I can't wrap my head around going to church then going home and hitting your kids - or allowing schools to paddle your children.
     I am fortunate. I grew up in the North.In a mostly democratic county. I lived over 20 years in CA. Live and let live unless you are Mexican or gay. Now, I have the opportunity to stay here in Texas. To learn their culture. To better understand their way of life. Though I have to say - I still don't understand a lot of people! I don't get hate. No matter where I live I will not understand hate. Reckon that is a good thing. If I could begin to understand hate then I might have the capacity to feel it - I do not want to learn how to hate. Be certain of that, hate is learned - it has to be. Some folks, like me, cannot even comprehend it. While other folks not only comprehend it, they use it as a weapon - as much a weapon as a gun - on this one; hate - I am glad I do not understand.

 

Temporary Mini-Societies

Yesterday I had a Drs. appointment. At this particular facility you check in at an outer desk. Then you sit and wait. While waiting in the outer area you are part of a temporary mini-society. The longer the wait, the more involved this society can become. Conversation begins between people who were strangers. Typically, it is about how long the wait or how bad health insurance is - or how the Texas Flu has filled the waiting room with coughing, hacking, sneezing, sniffling, germ transmittors. After a 30 or so minute wait, you are called into another waiting area. Now you are a member of this temporary mini-society. Some of the members may include those from the outer waiting room. Or there are completely new members. Given that you are all waiting to see a Dr. conversation remains similiar. The Health TV monitor delivers important information regarding eating healthy. Advertisements for new medications ramble on with the multitude of possible side effects; then encourage you to speak with your Dr. to see if drug X could be right for you. You wait, and you wait, and you wait - My 10:45 appointment began at 11:55. Now in an actual exam room the technician takes your vital signs. You engage in small talk. A small society. As she leaves she informs you the Dr. will be right with you. WRONG! 15 minutes later the Dr. comes in. A new mini-society. Many Dr.'s don't have time to review your chart. Most information is now scanned into a computer. Most Dr.'s I have seen complain about the computer system as they attempt to pull up my information. Though I waited well over an hour to see the Dr. I appreciated the 50 minutes he spent with me. "So Lisa why are you here today?" In this particular instance I was there because he required a face to face appointment before he would refill my medications. "Well Dr. you said you needed to see me." I reply. I was quite sick yesterday. Had another of those blasted "episodes." They leave my right eye and cheek droopy. My right arm is heavy. It hangs by my slide like a slab of meat at the butcher shop. My right leg is not cooperating, so I drag it. My pain level is 10 out of 10! Nice man this Dr. here in Texas. I have been to see him 4 times now. Each time he asks me what do you do for a living? When I explain I am retired/disability but I taught children with special needs for 27 years he begins to recognize me. Looking as yucky as I did yesterday - the Dr. does not speak to me. Most of his questions and comments are directed at my sister. She is frought with worry and concern. She is also in incredible pain from her arm injury. Eventually, the Dr. just turns his back toward me and speaks exclusively to her. So, in a temporary society consisting of 3 members I have become marginalized. Everything is complicated as I am staying here in Texas but my insurance is out of CA. This old time GP has no answers. Listening to my sister speak and occasionally glancing at me he admits to having no answers or thouhts about my condition. He will however submit the prescriptions I need for renewal. I am most grateful. Back to temporary mini-societies; ever notice on a plane how at first no one speaks to the stranger in the seat next to them. A lot of people read, listen to music, or try to sleep - anything to distract you from the 2 feet of square space you have to inhabit for the next four, five, six hours. Then oddly, as the pilot announces preparation for decent - chatter breaks out all over. This society, for the most part, has been silent. Yet as it is about to be disbanded forever its members begin to chat. I think you learn more about your row mates in the last 30 minutes of a flight than you do in the previous five hours. Of course you might be seated next to that person who talks to you even if you are reading or have headphones on. You learn more about them than you ever wanted to know. Name, destination, purpose, family history, their views on gasoline prices, food prices, lack of a good restuarant in airports. These chatter-boxes are sometimes annoying. Then there are times when their continued narrative makes the time pass faster. Elevators are another place where we become members of that society. If you are on the second or third floor your membership is brief. If you are riding to the 15th or 20th floor together, chances are some sort of conversation will break out. These conversations often are commentaries about a member of that society who has left. "Whoa, can someone say too much perfume!" "That man needs to button his shirt." "Do you think they looked in the mirror before they left the house?" With more individuals using public transportation temporary mini-societies adjourned and disband each morning and each evening. The first group are those you wait on the platform with, or at the bus stop with. Then another society is formed on the train or bus. People begin to have "their" seat. You begin to have deeper conversations. However, when you reach your stop - you leave that societal group. Van share groups are more intimate societies. Even riding in an airport shuttle is an intimate experience. Being so close to one another it almost feels rude not to speak. "Are you coming home or visiting." "Visiting." "Business or vacation." "Business." "Oh, what do you do." "I am executive VP for no name publishing. I am here to meet with some authors and their agents." "Wow, that is impressive." "Thanks." When travelling I enjoy making up a story. I have been a cardiac surgeon, lawyer, professional roller derby player, starving artist, Venice Beach street performer...I have lived in Santa Fe, New Mexico; Salt Lake City, Utah; Las Vegas, Nevada (Where of course I was a pit boss!) This is one of the great things about truly temporary societies. Odds are you will never see one another again so you can be whomever you choose. As we flow from one temp society to the next, our personas may also change. Riding in an elevator with people who work in the same building as you is not the same as riding in an elevator to see a Dr. At work you never really know who you are riding with or who they might know, caution is appropriate there. In the hospital elevator, or hotel elevator, shoot caution to the wind - reinvent yourself. Attendees of a concert or sporting event create a larger mini-society (like jumbo shrimp! Ha, I crack myself up)That larger society is subdivided by section, row, seat number, home team or visiting team - or the casual fan of the concert performer versus the die hard, never miss a show fan. The veteran fan versus the first timer. Airports, train stations, and malls are wonderful venues for watching the creation of and the extinction of temporary societies. Someone you meet in the restroom might also be on your train. You have a deep bond with this person. Depending on your occupation - there could be dozens of mini-societies present in your workplace - the "early bird catches the worm" folks. The coffee room regulars. Those who have lunch at the same scheduled time - these temporary societies are somewhat more permanent - If you work in a school each grade level becomes a society. Each floor becomes a society. What comitties you are on - temporary society. Over time a faculty becomes a society of greater permanence - teachers who have worked at the same school for 25-30 years. They may never socialize outside of work but there is a bond there. Administrators have their own society, office staff their own, building maintenance workers their own - the students form temporary societies that could last one minute or 5 years. Children are like that, quick to open and accept, equally quick to banish forever. Hospital ERs form societal connections. People waiting in an ER appear to want to talk. Crisis may increase our need to connect with those around us. We need to belong to a group when we are scared or vulnerable. The membership gives us some strength. Some comfort. ICU waiting rooms are especially tight knit. Within minutes new members are welcomed and made to feel supported and accepted. Church attendees form weekly societal groups. You may know one another from "around the way" but your conversation is limited to "Peace be with you" and "Enjoy the rest of your day." Churches are another place, like commuter buses and trains, where members stake claim to their section and row. Over time this becomes the norm by which all members follow. Coffee shops, dog parks, gyms, running paths, grocery stores...I could go on and on. We, homeo-sapiens are just fascinating. We move through our day by a script. We enter into and exit from a multitude of temporary mini-societies. We might be the same person across the spectrum or we may change from membership to membership. Isn't it fascinating? Do you ever think about such things? Do I have too much time on my hands? Actually not. There are entire books, college courses, even majors whose purpose is to study this temporary societies - to map them, analyze them, decipher what they tell us about us. How cool is that? I love people. We are fascinating.

The Box

I am not referring to the popular catch phrase; "Think outside the box." I am referring to individuals who live inside a box. A box made from familial, societal, and cultural expectations. Do you know what I mean? Denying their true selves an opportunity to live their true life because they don't want to disappoint people. When a distant city calls them, they do not answer that call. They are expected to remain at home. When their honest feelings of love are a cultural taboo - they deny themselves the person who would bring them the most joy. Cultural expectations are for marriage and children - they oblige. Young boys and girls who join gangs because they are impoverished - because of societal expectations - they deny themselves the opportunities so many have fought for...inside the box they go. Even as time passes, as the individual becomes more self aware they remain in the box. When you ask them how they are? They reply; "Great, happy, fulfilled." Yet when you look in their eyes you can see a glimmer of regret. Sometimes as you get to know such a person you hear the hallow of their happy proclamations. I don't know it makes me feel sad. For I long lived in such a box. When I meet people who I see are living in a box, as I get to know them - I just want to tear away that cardboard. I want to set them free. Doing such a thing is not possible. We can only escape the box of our own volition. It is not always what a person wants. There is a safety and comfort inside the box. Staying there insures what their days and nights will look like. That can be comforting. Having rules set in place makes life easier - follow the rules - you don't have to think or decide you just follow the rules. I considered joining the military for just that reason. My days and nights would be dictated. I would not have to think or decide. I only needed to follow orders, live by the code. The simplicity of it appealed to me. My mirror image - his name was Ted - He joined the military. It was his way of escaping the familial box without shame. He could live within the rules set forth before him. In his box he was safe. He needed that. He was stationed in Plattsburgh, NY. I was attending college there. How wonderful it was to see my mirror image. Ted wanted to get married. A man married in the military had more benefits. It would be good for me also as I would not have to pay for housing while attending college. Being married allowed us a bigger box in which we could live. Oh how my friends protested! "He only wants to marry you for the money." I knew exactly why Ted wanted to marry me - he was my mirror image - without words we had spoken to one another for our years of HS and now as adults. He didn't need to tell me his true reason for wanting to get married. I knew. Life is funny though isn't it - that darn change up comes along and you miss. I was late getting home the day we were going to pick out rings. Ted took my tardiness as a gesture of denial. He removed my HS ring, threw it across the street, and left. (This reported to me by one of my 5 roommates in the apartment I was living in) Ted went AWOL from the Air Force. MP's questioned me. They followed me. His mother called and accused me of awful things. His Uncle, with whom I had been friends with for years, even before I knew Ted he called me. I did not know where Ted was. I wished I did. I was late because I had passed out during the finals of my PE class. Taken to the infirmary caused my tardiness. Ted never knew that. Through the grapevine I heard Ted had moved to Florida - He had busted out of his box and was living his life on the edge of a high cliff. I was in CA by then, slowly cutting away the cardboard, piece by piece. I never saw Ted again. News of his death shook me to the core. How sad he died without knowing the reason I was late that spring day. Thinking of him, believing I had betrayed him - Now in heaven I believe he has seen the truth of those days. He is free! There are no boxes in heaven. Though I will always wish I had the opportunity to look him in the eye and explain the truth - you don't betray your mirror image, ever. Oh, I have sidelined haven't I. Well not really. Two people who accepted their boxes eventually walked freely and openly and happily - even if they were not walking together. Reckon this is why I want to cut away the cardboard I see around people. Life is so short. There are only so many minutes in which you live - so live fully! There are only so many minutes in which you will find your mirror image, so embrace that person. Your soul mate, might pass you by, and you can't stop them because of your box - Your "person" will love you in or out of the box - for you they will provide a box cutter - you decide whether or not to use it. Imagine a world, maybe it is what Martin Luther King was speaking of when he said; "I Have Seen the Promised Land." Maybe it was a land where there were no boxes, no labels, no marginalized citizens. Perhaps this is what we should be striving for - Individual freedom, individual rights, individual responsibilities - as we stand together hand in hand - upright and free - we know one another as human beings...accepting our hiccups and scars - embracing our individuality, our diversity. No boxes. I am not a visionary, nor anywhere near the person Mr. King was - that Promised Land he spoke of - I think I see it too...every time I see someone cut free from familial, societal, or cultural boxes - standing proud and free, dancing their own dance - Reckon that is just my vision of a promised land - No boxes, no labels, no minutes lost - only hope, only love.

The Inauguration

It is a moment in history. A moment when some are inspired and others are dismayed. Whomever you voted for, whether your candidate won or loss - the inauguration epitomizes our independence our freedom. As I watched I thought of how nice it will be when speakers don't have to say; man or woman, immigrant or natural born, gay or straight, rich or poor. I believe that day will arrive. As I sat here, listening to the speeches - I was filled with hope. My body broken, my life in disarray it is hope, faith and love which sustains me. I think of our children. What legacy shall we leave them? I believe each of us holds responsibility for our country. We must raise our voices - whether in debate or agreement - at the end of the day we can shake hands, agree to disagree - but we will have done our part to make our country better. I became a teacher believing I could impact children in a positive manner. I wanted to teach the children no one else wanted. I believed I could empower them, give them tools and skills so they could have the same opportunities I had. As a student of history I do believe we can return our country to the status of the leading nation in the world. It won't be done in the halls of the Congress. It will happen in our streets, our stores, our schools. It will happen in our hospitals, our military academies, our fields, and our factories. Hope, my goodness, we have to put some oil on our hope - dust off our preconceived notions, take out our history books - If you are not moved by the ceremony of the Inauguration. Just the ceremony of it...the freedom, the republic in which you live, if words of hope do not inspire you to action then what is to become of us? What will you leave your children? If you have stood at the Vietnam Wall, at The Lincoln Memorial, at the Peace Pond...If you have read the entire Constitution then you are blessed. These are only symbols. Symbols meant to inspire us so future generations will have the same opportunity. If you can read, write, drive your car to work, feed your child a healthy meal, pay your mortgage, take a walk, then you have a responsibility to do more.  Oh, I know it is all a bunch of words, written by craftsmen of words, spoken after much rehearsal - yet is is amazing. It is glorious. So do you turn these symbols into action, or do you walk on by? No one person has the answer. No one person can do it alone - Yet if we all pledge to make our corner of the world just a little bit better - if we all pledge to empower someone else; Take a step forward who knows where that one step will lead you. I know I am just a sucker for hope. A sucker for the lessons of life, the lessons of history and the belief that I can make a difference! You have the right to bear arms so shoot me. (that is a joke) We don't have to take away rights to become better - we have to give more rights. We don't have to dismantle our upper class so we can have a thriving middle class. We don't have to have more government in our homes to have more freedom in our streets. Come on, if you watched, didn't you have a few chills when Beyonce' sang? Was there not one moment when you thought - Ya' know, maybe we can turn this around? Gosh I sure hope there was. I sure hope, whether democrat or republican or independent - there was one moment during this Inauguration when you thought; "There is Hope!"

Sports

I like sports. I like playing them. I like watching them. I like coaching them. Sports have a beginning and an end. ESPN is doing this whole who is the greatest athlete of all time. You cannot compare a golfer to a hockey player. Hockey is a team sport. It is also a contact sport. How those guys move around on the ice, get knocked and get up - they keep on going. Gretzky may be the greatest hockey player of this era. You can't compare him to Gordie Howe. Howe played when they didn't wear helmets. When the ice was like slush. It was a different game during Howe's time than it is today. Comparing the accomplishments of a golfer to a hockey player is ludicrous! Golf is an individual sport. It is a mental sport. Yes, it takes physical fitness and ability. I do not believe a pro golfer could play hockey. A pro hockey player can play golf. The greatest hitter of all time? Come on...In the days of Stan The Man (RIP) the lights were terrible, the fields were huge, the travel conditions shabby, the equipment weak, the training and conditioning non-existent, treatment for injuries was a shot of bourbon not PEDS. Hank Aaron became the home run king while enduring hate mail, death threats, and bigotry. He played on fields where the fences were 400 feet away. Bonds, he played on fields where the fences were 325 or maybe 350 feet away. The bats of the modern era are better. The lights for night games are better. And of course there is the controversy surrounding his use of PEDS. You cannot compare the two. Walter Payton vs. Emmit Thomas - come on, seriously? The game is different. The rules are different. The equipment is different. Michael Phelps is in the race for greatest athlete. His Olympic accomplishments are impressive. He is an athlete. Still swimming is an individual sport. The Olympics happen once every four years. He can take two years off, then start training and still be in peak physical condition. You can't compare that to a 162 game season. Watching the NFC Championship game yesterday - SF vs. ATL. Kapernack had started in 9 games. Matt Ryan has been playing 5 seasons. Who had the better game? Football isn't so much about one quarterback against another - SF defense did not allow a point in the second half. SF offensive line created holes I could have run through. Halftime adjustments by the twenty or so coordinators teams employ today combined with execution of those adjustments that was the difference in the game. And the AFC game. Tom Brady, Bill Bellicheck - unbeatable at home in Championship games - WRONG. Baltimore's defense frustrated Brady. It wasn't Ray Lewis either. It was the DB's, the coordinator remaining solid in his decision making. It was the offensive coordinator changing the game plan - switching to a passing attack which New England could not stop. Flacco our played Brady. Harbaugh out coached Bellechick. Boldin is a beast of a receiver. I bet there is not a NE receiver who can move today. That poor kid Ridley, he was out cold! Kudos's to Welker for getting up. He was hit so hard so many times he could not catch the ball anymore. Some of those hits were just vicious. How can you compare a QB who in today's game is protected like the Mona Lisa to a QB who played when hitting the QB was just fine. In today's game if you look wrong at a receiver they call PI - back in the day DB's straight up knocked receivers down. What about Babe Neuwirth (I know I am spelling her name wrong) She excelled at golf, swimming, running - she played against men and beat them. She did this in an era when women were not supposed to play sports. Her golf clubs over sized pieces of wood with a bit of metal on the end. No graphite, customized, driver heads the size of a car! I don't think ESPN has any woman on their board. Was Annika Sorenstan a better golfer than Tiger Woods? Is it fair to compare men against women? It is in swimming, two hundred meters is two hundred meters - whether you are running or swimming or riding a bike. Ice skating, gymnastics - these are sports where the winners are chosen by judges. It is subjective. You know the Chinese and Russian judge is going to give the United States skater or gymnasts a lower score. There have been controversies regarding judges for as long as I can remember - so, unfortunately the best athlete does not always win. Aren't sports wonderful? We could debate any number of issues; Everyone knew that Gaylord Perry doctored the ball. He admitted to it - Still he is considered one of the best pitchers of all time. It is only cheating if you get caught. Remember George Brett and the pine tar bat? That was priceless. Bo Jackson is up there a two sport athlete who excelled in both sports - Deon Sanders isn't up there, didn't he do the same thing? What about the Houston pitcher Jim Deshaise (spelled wrong again)? He pitched with one hand? He was amazing! Oh we could go on and on - don't you just love it? We could talk about the cheaters, the liars, the womanizers, the boozers, the PEDS, the era, the difficulty of the sport, is NASCAR a sport? There are no definitive answers. Is bowling a sport? Coaches and broadcasters make it into the Hall of Fame - do they put bat boys or trainers in the Hall of Fame? Isn't the equipment guy as important? Does a driver win a NASCAR race because he is a better driver or because a team of engineers and grease monkeys built him a better car? Apollo Ono made news as a ice racer? What are they called? Ya know though one thing I like. I like the athlete who plays his time, retires, and goes on to live his life. Bernie Williams, where is he now? He played at a high level in the NY market. Was on several World Series winning teams - then he retired. I think he has put out a few records but he isn't in my face. I respect that. ESPN has already signed Ray Lewis to a broadcasting contract. I do not want to hear what Ray Lewis has to say! Former athletes who broadcast - there are very few of them. Tim McCarver is a good one. Shoot I can't think of his name, the guy who use to do Sunday Night Baseball on ESPN , Joe Morgan I remembered, he played secod base for the Cardinals - he was good. I get so sick of hearing; "Well when I played in this situation I would do this and I would do that and this guy is wrong because I would do it differently." Don't care what you would do. Call the game and let me think about and analyze what should or should not be done. Sports fans are not casual - we love our teams, we have played the game, or coached the game, or watched a hundred games - we don't need  you explaining how you would hit the A gap and then pointing it out on a telestrator. Don't tell me, after a dude hits a home run off our best pitcher that the pitcher should not have thrown a fastball. No kidding? Did you figure that out all by yourself? Ah, sports - how beautiful. They truly do give us a brief respite from the grind of life. We believe we can effect the outcome of the game by what we wear, or where we sit - we talk about how "We really played solid defense last night." As if "we" were actually on a basketball court. It is fun. It is finite - "There's always next year." How many times have I said that? The joy of victory and the agony of defeat - we feel it more than the players do. Yeah, I enjoy sports, a lot!

Weakness

Alcoholics are weak. Drug addicts are weak. People who are overweight are weak. Hoarders are weak. Compulsive gamblers are weak. Mental illness only occurs in weak people. Depressed people are weak. Hypochondriacs are weak. The world is filled with weak people. Fibromyalgia is not a real disease. RA occurs in people who are inactive and weak. Let me speak for me - As a child I endured sexual, emotional and physical abuse - yet I thrived, I am weak. In high school the guidance counselor told me to find a vocation because I would never make it through college - I earned my Bachelors Degree with two teaching credentials, I am weak. After battling breast cancer, her children spread around the country, my mother asked me to return from CA to NY because she did not want to die alone. I did just that. I worked as a teacher (thanks to Eileen). I took care of my mother. I bathed her, cooked for her. I took her to the Dr's. I took her to chemo. I stayed in the hospital with her. I delivered the eulogy at her funeral - I am weak. My grandfather and father died within six months of each other. My mother, brother, and grandmother died within 4 years of each other. I moved forward, I am weak. Diagnosed with lupus I taught children with special needs for 27 years, I am weak. I earned my Masters Degree during which I spent 22 days in the hospital, I am weak. During that hospital stay I was given the incorrect medicine, it was slowly killing me. As my body left me, floating there in that hospital room, I looked at myself - then I looked at my sister, Aldona Mae - after flying from Texas she came right to the hospital and stayed with me every night. I could not allow her to wake up and find me dead. I forced myself to hang on to life, I am weak. When the nerves in my right leg were ruptured the next day I went to work, I am weak. When my body told me to stop I played golf, softball, and volleyball. I coached football, softball, soccer, basketball - I am weak. My life is a testament to my weakness. Over and over again I fell down. Time after time life threw me the change up, I am still here because I am weak. At 49 years of age, still young, still wanting - I retired on disability. I  could no longer provide my students with the quality of education they deserved. I could have lagged out the next few years. Retired with a lot more money. I could have phoned in the education of my students - I didn't because I am weak. Six years ago, waking up with the worst hangover I realized I was an alcoholic, I have not had a drink since, I am weak. The great debate over the last few years has been my use of pain medicine. Yes, for a time I took more pain medicine than I needed. I did some goofy and at times dangerous things, I was weak. I fixed that problem and took my pain medicine responsibly, enough to ease my pain, I am weak. I should just get moving. I should live with the pain. Push through - stop being weak. Pain keeps me awake most of the night. I have headaches that force my right eye closed and cause the right side of my head to swell, don't take pain medicine - don't be weak. I know I am being sarcastic and bitter. No one likes sarcasm or bitterness. No one knows my pain. At every joint my fingers hurt while I am typing this. With my right eye half closed I know an ice pick, or atypical thunderclap migraine headache is coming on - took some OTC migraine medicine. It hasn't worked yet but I don't want to be weak. I am sincere when I say that. I don't want to be weak. I also don't want to be retired/disabled at 49. I do want to play softball again, I want to teach, I want to coach, I want my family back, I want my life back. If I was not so weak I might have all those things. My weakness has cost me a lot. Taking medicine, any medicine which helps alleviate my pain - medicine that quells the symptoms - medicine that allows me to get up and moving when I heard the morning bird's serenade...I don't want to be weak. I don't want to die. I don't want to live in this pain. I don't want to disappoint. So I ask you, anyone? What do I do? How do I find the strength? I have faith. I live on hope. I believe in my power to overcome - what I have now - these diseases and injuries - impinged nerves, compressed discs, SLE...and so on. They are not going away. I have fought over 20 years - lived fully, richly, happily - I did not take pain medicine. I am tired. My strength, my mind is strong - except that short term memory loss which sometimes occurs - Tell me! Am I weak if I take prescribed medicine which does improve the quality of my life? Am I weak? Opinions, everyone has one. Come on share. What would you do? Let me be clear - I would never have accomplished anything in my life if not for the support of my family and friends. If not for the love and kindness of so many people I would not have thrived. I am still processing, and grieving, the events of the past four years. I am still adjusting to this rapid decline in my health. When one Dr. says you won't make it six months and another Dr. says you will be lucky if you live to see 50 - well I am 49. It does scramble your brain (which in my case was already scrambled by supposedely the best neurosurgeon on the planet.) It is because of love that I exist. I was having a conversation with a colleague one day. She asked me what made me such an effective teacher with such difficult children. I explained to her that I understood where the children were coming from because I had a similiar childhood. She asked me a question which, at the time seemed odd to me; She asked me; "How did you learn love." I replied; "I have been loved since the moment I was born." I don't measure my life by what I have overcome - I measure my life by the love that carried me when I could not walk. The love that carries me everyday. Certainly God's love has been ever-present. But it is the love of my family, my sisters, my mother and father - my friends. Mentors, teachers, counselors, colleagues, students - goodness my life when measured by love is an extremely wonderful life (my favorite movie.) Though my questions about weakness seem sarcastic and bitter - perhaps even words of self-pity, that is not my intention. They are words of my reality. However, my reality is also one filled with love, hope, faith. Without my family and friends I am nothing. Everything I am has been etched with love. That God laid my life's plan with crosses to bear and challenges to overcome - I am not the only one. We all have beared crosses and overcome challenges - Goodness there are so many people I personally know who have overcome much more than me. I write what I feel - what I feel is subject to change. I am at a crossroads in my life - not at all what I expected or wanted; It is what it is. Yet I am not standing here alone. I know I am loved. The actions of family and friends have humbled me. The extremes they have gone to, all to help me - in the name of love. My body is broken. My spirit is still strong. I have changed. Now I need to grow. Grow into the person I am to become - God is not finished with me yet. Obviously there is more work for me to do and I had to be brought to my knees so I could find the way back to my feet - then I can do what it is he needs of me. There is not one second of my day when I doubt how much people love me. Not one thing I have done or haven't done when I doubted how much love was in my life. My point on weakness - it just isn't always as it seems. Societal views are not always correct. Asking for, accepting help - that is not weakness. Oh, I have only confused myself and anyone who reads this. I do not feel sorry for myself - I am just at this crossroad.

Retirement

Ah, retirement...we work for 30 or 40 years so we will get to unplug our alarm clock. When people ask me what I do I tell them I am retired. That is not the truth. The truth is my body gave out and I was forced to stop teaching. Teaching is the best profession in the world! Sure, there are days when you bang your head against the wall. Then the day comes when you see the light go on in a child's eyes - you forget everything else! The day when you connect with a parent then watch as the child jumps leaps and bounds. Or you have an administrator who "gets it" and your life is made easier. Oh sure your bulletin boards must be up to date. Show current student work. Make sure the standards are clearly displayed and your lesson book is readily available. Oh yeah, and your schedule is visible. Christmas doesn't start until school is done - that is fine. Your internal clock knows when it is summer. You count down to testing - then you count down to summer. You spend your days trying to get the standard explained in terms every student can understand - then you spend your nights rethinking how to teach the same lesson another way. Teaching is a 24 hour job. During vacation you worry about who will be back. You can see in a child's demeanor in the morning line that something is wrong - and you become counselor. Sometimes you are an entertainer, sometimes you just have to be hard, and sometimes you just have to listen and console. If you have never taught you cannot begin to understand the challenge, the responsibilities, the influence you have, the privilege it is. Yes, teaching is the best profession in the world. 27 years I taught. My goal was 30 years. On a beautiful September morning that all changed. After that child fell into my leg...well nothing has been the same. Everything I lost cannot be replaced. Can't go back and have a do-over. So I am retired. Spent the summer in NY. Stayed with my sister Eileen. Came here to Texas. Staying with my sister Aldona Mae. Where is my home? I thought I might this meandering life. I don't! I am a nester. I like to build my nest and I stay there. 20 years at Tobinworld. 14 years in the same apartment building. 16 years playing with the same softball team. Donald my TA for 15 years. Eileen has been my best friend for 49 years. All evidence points to my need to find my place and stay there. Retirement...not my place. What do I do? Move forward. Movement is life. I have let down people I love. The years I spent being financially responsible are gone. I owe more money than I could pay back if I live to be 100. I asked in a previous blog where do I go? Where should I build my nest? No, the answer has not come to me. I have come a long way. I don't quit. I am stubborn. I reckon the answer will come to me. Or I will find the place where my nest should be built. Wherever I end up, someone will be disappointed. Someone will feel betrayed. At this point in my life - with my health failing - I don't know...I just feel I want to do what feels best, what feels right for me. Not to hurt anyone - just to find a place of peace and comfort. If the Dr.'s are right well it won't matter for so long. I don't believe Dr's. They lie. They deceive. They mess up and hide all of it. And the white coat code of silence, that is as strong as the blue line. I am open to suggestions. No, I was not ready to put up my chalk and unplug my alarm clock. In my belly the fire still burns to teach. What the mind wants the body won't give. Some things which were foggy are becoming more clear. Other aspects of my thinking is a hamster on a wheel. My work here is not done. My faith leads me to believe I have work here to do. God has a plan for me - I must find silence so I can here his words. The prayers, love, support, from my family and friends has been the box on which I have stood. Their kindness keeps me smiling and believing. More than ever in my life I have tried to pay it forward. I have tried to give more, in any way I could. Though the Dr's messed up everything with my leg and my brain - even though I wake up and don't know where I am - So what? I have more brain cells than that! Mountains have stood before me, I have climbed them reaching the amazing vista before me. No, this is not how I thought my life would be. I am too young. I am also too strong! Unlike Lance Armstrong I will not use PED's to make my comeback. I will use the lessons of my Mother, my family, my friends, my life experience, and my sheer will. For as long as I have breath I have hope. Where there is hope anything is possible. Yes, the truth is this is not how I wanted my life to be - yet, here I am. Nothing more to do than roll up my sleeves and find the path to wherever my nest is meant to be. I have quoted Mary Chapin Carpenter many times; "There is no such thing as not regrets, but baby that's alright." I am trying to do it the right way. You have my truth, no lies - just me raw, scabbed, scarred, but I can still dance! The ocean still makes me feel small and the Grand Canyon takes my breath away. Hearing the laughter of children on the playground tugs at my heartstrings, it still makes me smile. I am trying with all I have. Believe that!  I am in debt to so many wonderful people. I promise to live fully, completely, honestly...I promise you that. If you know me you know BS and drama are not in my repertoire. I am real. I am the me you have known, loved, respected, supported, carried - I am the me who will come back better. Please don't doubt that. Don't listen to noise, hear my pledge. Don't give up on me! I will not quit, surrender, regress - I will figure it out. I will do it the right way. This retirement is not of my choosing - Oh well, play the cards you are dealt. I think I have a royal flush!

Jodie Foster Speech

Jodie Foster gave a wonderful speech at the Golden Globes. It was honest and sincere. What bothers me is why she had to "come out." Most people who follow Jodie Foster already knew she was a lesbian. We knew she had a partner and they had children. Knew she had broken up with her partner. It wasn't any big news. It bothers me though-Yes, I do believe the more celebrities, politicians, pro-athletes, any one in the public eye-if they "come out" to the public the stigma of being gay or lesbian would be somewhat less. Those who feel that we are sinners and doomed to burn in hell - well they are ignorant. God made me. My mother died in childbirth...I lived. God wanted me on this Earth so I could serve him. God wanted me to go forth in honesty, good will, faith and hope. In every way I could I have served God. This is my faith. This is my spirituality. It doesn't have to go beyond that. I try to be the best person I can. I fail, I get up-I keep trying. When my day is long and the road is rough I pray. I pray asking God to speak to me. I ask him to tell me how better I can serve him. We don't always agree - God doesn't mind that. My sister and I were having conversation about the President of Chick Fil-A. How he spends millions of dollars supporting anti-gay/lesbian agendas. My 9 year old niece was listening. When she was with some friends, on the way to a ballet, they said they were going to eat at Chick Fil-A. My niece immediately turned to her mother and said; "We can't eat there that man hates people." Being in a car with 4 children and 3 adults my sister said; "It will be OK to eat there this time." My niece insisted it was not alright. Someone asked her if she liked the food at Chick Fil-A. She replied that she did, but the owner was not nice. When they went into the restaurant she pointed to the picture of the President and said; "That is the man who hates people for no reason. He doesn't even know them." Powerful the impact we have on children. I was so proud of my 9 year old niece. Hate is taught. Often it is taught in churches or other gatherings of faith. We have come a long way. Not far enough. Women still make less money than men-doing the same job. A white person is likely to cross the street if a black man is walking towards them. Most dry cleaners charge more to clean a woman's blouse than a man's dress shirt. It is so sad. There is hope. My 9 year old niece is hope. Every child is hope. On school playgrounds calling someone gay or a fag is fighting words. We have to step on these words the same way we step on negative words directed at African Americans, Hispanics, Asian Americans - when used in name calling these words are ugly. Yet to be gay is not ugly. Nor is it a choice. I applaud Jodie Foster for her speech - it makes me angry she felt compelled to give it. Being a lesbian is the same as having blue eyes, or blond hair - it is more than likely someone you know is gay/lesbian. It is also true gay/lesbian teens are more likely to commit suicide than their same age peers. So it is up to us "grown ups" to change what our children learn. It isn't about tolerance - I tolerate a lot of things but that doesn't mean I like them. Acceptance is great, however it still places gay/lesbian people in another category-we accept you even if we don't believe you are OK. When the time comes, and it will, when gay/lesbian people are just people- at work, at the mall, in the school, at church, on the street, anywhere. When we are all recognized as children of God, or whatever higher power you believe in - when we do not have to declare our sexuality as a prerequisite to the rights all citizens have - that will be a great era in this great country. When we are not judged by what you see on the outside, or what you know on the inside-praise be that day. It is up to us! We have to change the views of children. Honest, open conversations - Modern Family is a highly rated TV show. No fuss about it. Glee is off the charts - some fuss. We are getting there. Let us be the light in the minds of children so they can understand we are all created equal. We are all from a higher power. Yes, there is hope! We must continue to be "loud and proud" as Jodie Foster said.

Pondering

Why do I have to rinse, lather, and repeat? Can't I do a good job the first time? Do I need an 800 help line number for my shampoo? Have you ever had a shampoo emergency? If I have to rinse, lather, and repeat with my shampoo; why do I not need to do the same with the hair conditioner? What about toothpaste? Should I not brush, foam, rinse and repeat? Clean teeth are as important as clean hair. I like how the tags on shirts, sweatshirts, and other apparel are not imprinted on the cloth. It is a great idea. I just can't tell you haw many times I put my clothes on backwards because I can't feel the old hanging tag - I get dressed in the dark most mornings. Usually I would feel the tag and put my clothes on correctly. It is much more difficult now. I can go a whole day without realizing my sweatpants are on backwards. Shirts are a different story. A shirt, put on backwards automatically cuts to your neck - the older I get the more I dislike anything touching my neck. Some shirts I cut a slit in near the neck just for the extra room. I once wore turtle necks all the time - now a turtle neck feels like a grip of death on my throat. What is that about? It isn't just me. I know of other women who feel the same way. In these cooler temperatures the neck needs covering. Finding the "right" article of clothing for the job is difficult. As of now I use a ear muff thingamajig to do the job. It covers the neck but is not tight. Aren't personal idiosyncrasies wonderful? Lining up the remote, house phone and cell phone in the "correct" order - this one belongs to Eileen. Socks! Oh how I dislike socks which have squares toes. My toes are not square. Socks need to be labeled left and right. Then the should be shaped accordingly. You know descending from the big toe to the pinkie toe. A square sock leaves a lot of space near the pinkie toe - this then bunches up in your shoe. It is downright uncomfortable! Slippers again, most slippers are square at the top. Some will eventually take the shape of your foot - I have a pair of warm slippers but they will not shape to my foot. When I wear them it appears they are on the wrong foot. Then I switch them, they still look incorrect. I like all the shoes you can buy with no laces. Many of them have that stretchy shoe lace material you tighten with that slide tightener. It is a good idea. Unfortunately it leaves many young folk without the ability to tie a shoe. Riding a bike and tying your shoes are two things all children should learn - yet in today's world many children do not have these skills. Do you think anyone calls the Butterball hot line? Come Thanksgiving or Christmas morning does anyone really panic and call that hot line? Maybe this year I will do it just for fun. Stove tops and ovens should be gas only. Electric stoves and ovens do not distribute heat evenly. It makes it more difficult to cook breakfast potatoes. Oh well, the world cannot be perfect - even for my venting at it to do so.

The Four Corners

In our lives we come to The Four Corners. As youth the direction we travel is often dictated by our parents. Our peers then become the signal callers in our lives. When we reach adulthood it is up to us. We must make decisions regarding which way we are going to go. You can't see what is down any of the roads. You know where you came from. You could always turn  back - but as they say you can never go home again. The past four years of my life have been dictated  by illness and an extremely difficult breakup.  When I was injured at work everything changed. Not being in peak physical or mental condition I just went where people said I should go. I desperately wanted to save my relationship. It was too late. I wanted to go home, to Malone - but I was 20 years too late. I have stayed with my Poopy Sister. She and Robert have been so gracious - I just don't know if this is a long term situation. I have good days and bad days. Ideally I would like to spend summers in Malone and winters in Texas. Then I think of CA. I have lived there my adult life. I made a place there. I have a family there - yet those in my family have built their own families and have children and work...so I don't really fit in. Living on disability in CA would be hard. Though you can't beat the weather! Now I am at this four corners of my life. According to Drs. I should not be alive. I did not anticipate having to make decisions for the long term. There was great freedom in living for the moment. I did not worry about consequences or long term needs. The Drs. were wrong - they don't know me. The dont' know what I am capable of. They underestimate the power of love, determination, and sheer stubbornness. Here I am at these four corners, wishing I was anywhere else. Wishing I had a clear idea of what to do with the rest of my life.  I am going to grow old. In these years I want to live fully. Yes, I have some hard days. Days when bed is as far as I can go. It would be nice if I knew when those days were going to happen. It is difficult to plan anything if you don't know how you are going to feel. The past few weeks I have had that brain fluid draining into my sinus cavities. Goodness it taste terrible. Yet, some days I feel I can take on the world. It was 18 degrees below zero in Malone the other day - do I want to subject myself to such conditions? Each of my choices has pros and cons. I mull them over everyday. Drive myself crazy in doing it. As Mommie would say -"shit or get off the pot." This is where I am now. I must shit or get off the pot. None of us know when we will be called home. Our challenge and our gift is too live everyday as if it were our last. Completing our bucket list, so when we are called home we have few regrets. I did not realize how much teaching was a part of my being. I was a teacher. That was my first identity. I can't teach anymore. Some days I can't get out of bed to eat. Other days I can climb a mountain. If I was working I would be worn down and sick. I don't like waste. Am I wasting this gift? Standing here at the four corners I really don't know which road to take. Having lived my life with determination and purpose - well this is a strange spot to be in. I am lost but not alone. I need my nest. My own place to settle into. A place to spend the next 20 years. Where do I go to build my nest? NY, CA, TX? There is no clear answer - at least not that I can see. Where is that magic eight ball when you need it? Should I flip a coin? Follow my instincts, follow my heart - neither is currently producing any clear answer. The past four years have humbled me - the kindness shown to me is overwhelming. Poopy just takes me in. Eileen just takes me in. Lynn drove me from Dr. to Dr. Donald is just my everything man. When I feel this lost I talk to God and to Mommie; then I sit still, quiet my mind and listen for an answer - As of yet they are not responding. The Holidays are a busy time. Perhaps it will come to me soon. I know I need to do something. Then the fear creeps in. It has permanent residence in the back of my mind. My health will fail again. When it does where should I be? Perhaps I should be like a cat - go off alone. I consider all the people who love me and are pulling for me;I do not want to disappoint anyone. I have been such a disappoint to myself - reckon it is time I made some decisions. Standing here at the four corners...anyone know which way I should go? Of course I know, wherever I go there I am. That which ails my mind will travel with me. I don't know what to do. Many times writing helps clarify my thoughts. This time, writing only produces more questions than answers. Yes, we all come to the four corners - many times we stand year craning our necks trying to see what is down each road-there are no clues. You pick a direction. You travel that road until...you guessed it - you come to another four corners. This is living. It is the same for us all. Lucky are those who have built a life which has a clear road to follow. Lucky are we who have choices - If only we knew which choice was the right choice. Guess you just have to pick a direction and get moving...movement is life.   

New Year

It is so funny how TV commercials right after New Years are for gym memberships, buying physical training equipment, joining Weight Watchers, and getting control of your finances with one instition or another. A lot of people make the New Year's resolution to lose weight, get organized, find a way to make more money, plan a budget, get in shape - anything to improve themselves. I find it odd. I don't make New Year's resoltions. Seems silly to me. If I want to lose weight or get in shape why would this year be any different than last year. Is there something magical about a New Year which will improve my chances of knowing how to use E-Trade. I think I am more a seasonal person. The first day of spring is a new beginning. A resolution at that time makes more sense to me. Fall is a time to assess where I am and decide what changes I need to make. Winter is about the Holidays - which I love. People are nicer during the holidays. Why we don't continue this behavior all through the year...well that I can't explain. Given the state of most citizens of the United State, you would think being nice to one another would make sense. And why do we need tragedies to bring us together? Why are we not pulling together every day? Perhaps, if we were nicer to one another, and if we all pulled together every day - maybe we would not have some of these tragedies. I just don't understand mean people. Why be mean, discourteous, petty, or angry? My saying; we are all moving our rocks from one side of the road to the other. Ya know what I mean? We are in the same boat. If we pulled at the same time rowing the boat would be a lot easier. It just makes no sense. Back to the season - summer...how grand is summer? As a teacher having summer vacation is splendid. Of course there are many people who believe teachers having a summer vacation makes them unprofessional and not worthy of earning more money - that balloon is easily popped when you look at the number of vacation days top executives have there is not much difference. Should we not examine the importance of educating our children? The teacher in the classroom is so important. The United States ranks lowest per capita in all academic areas. We cannot be a great nation if we do not invest in our children. Thus attracting and keeping individuals to the teaching profession should be important - paying them top dollar is a no brainer. I digress. Resolutions - changing your life is up to you - every day is an opportunity to change. Each morning, if you wake up, then the opportunity for change is there.You decide what you are going to do. We do not need to change as much as we think we do. We need to grow. Change on the other hand, well it seems to me we would change if we could. There are a lot of treadmills collecting dust in the basement or storage closet. 2013, it is a new year - but isn't every day "new?" Each hour, is that not new? We will write 2012 on our checks, or papers for a while. In time we will write 2013. It is another year, we are still who we were last year, and the year before that, and the year before that - the only difference is how much did we grow in 2012? Growth is positive. Self examination and spiritual check ups are good. Reckon I just believe the power of people is more than we think it is. Sometimes it goes untapped - yet I believe it is there. People are good and kind even if they don't always exhibit behavior that indicates their kindess or goodness. Every one of us has had a bad day. We all make mistakes - change though - that happens when there are great highs or deep lows. Catastrophic events change us; do we grow from such times? Do we become better people? How we deal with grief or happiness...this is who we are. And that is OK. No one is perfect, that is alright. Cut yourself some slack in 2013, takes steps towards growth - that is a resoluton worth maintaining.