It's A Wonderful Life

We all know the movie, it plays this time of year.  I reckon it is my favorite movie.  I will watch it any time of year. It would be neat wouldn't it, if we could have that view of how our lives impacted the lives of others. Maybe when we get to heaven we get to see.  Maybe we get to find out if we made a difference anywhere alone the way.  We want to, we want to believe that our life has importance beyond paying the bills and doing the dishes.  People who have children, they probably have a better sense of their importance in the lives of their children.  Some for the better and I suppose some for the not so better.  It would be cool though; to see how our choices affected the people around us, you know that whole pebble in the pond and the ripple across the water.  We need to be needed, and we need to be wanted, and for most people, we need to feel that our lives make a difference.  I watch a lot of the MSNBC Lockup reality show.  I am intrigued by people who have killed.  People who have committed horrendous crimes, I wonder what makes them tick.  I question if evil is real, if people are born evil or if circumstances stole their compassion and their humanity? More and more it feels the whole of human kind is losing its humanity.  So I wonder if my existence and the choices I have made - have they made any difference.  Now I couldn't be like Jimmy Stewart in the movie, but I do hope I have made better some corners of the world I have lived in.  We all do, don't we? We should want to, shouldn't we? What is the point if we live only to please ourselves and serve our own needs?  That is said alot by the prisoners interviewed on Lockup.  I did it because I wanted to.  It made me feel good.  I didn't think about anyone else.  That's not cool.  It is that time of year when we are full of family and love, and giving, and people are happy - well not all people; some people don't have the gift of friendship, or have lost their families.  Some folks are all alone and these next four weeks are about the worst weeks of their lives.  How, as a society can we help these people? How can we find them and somehow help them - some people don't want to be help.  As hard as it is to believe some people just don't want to be happy.  Miserable is their happiness - that is hard to believe.  When you look around you see some who have so much and others with so little - is one better than the other; I don't think so. It is like bras and breast size, too small is difficult to find a comfortable bra and too big is difficult to find a comfortable bra - It is a wonderful life though - Life is filled with so many possibilities and there is hope everywhere.  Inside of each of us it the power to love, to encourage, to extend ourselves. Still, it would be cool to see what our world would have been like had we never been born.  That is probably not very humble is it? Though, after seeing our world without us in it, we might be very humbled.  Maybe I'll go get the DVD from downstairs and give it a watch.  Always makes me cry.  No matter how many times I see it, I always cry.  The greatest gifts we give are not what the television commercials lead us to believe - it is the everyday being there, it is the small gifts.  It is our time, a shoulder, listening, a hug - it is the smile on someones face when they open a Christmas present and it is exactly what they wanted, and the smile on our face for having hit the nail on the head.  It is a wonderful life. 

What to do what to do?

Since I was around 9 years old I started writing down my thoughts. What I haven't lost I still have. Being a teenager makes you say some things that are so ludicrous...sometimes, normally when I am looking for some thing I need i read a page or two. Teenagers are not responsible for their actions. Writing has been a constant and dependable friend. A few moments ago a thought came to me...I am not happy. No matter what turn I have taken over the past 4 years, it has been the wrong one. So I haven't written a lot because I'm the strong one. I'm the one who overcomes the obstacles and moves forward. I'm the one whom you can depend on for a good laugh, a good hug, or a shoulder to lean on. Except right now I am not that person. I don't know if I ever was. At such an early age I learned to take care of others. Be seen not heard, and don't cry, don't let them win. I gotta tell ya folks I am one broken down and tired person. As I was thinking I kept asking myself; "How did I get here?" well fool you made bad choices. it is a simple answer. So now I need to fix it. I need to fix me. I looked online at all the "How to be Happy" books - I have read most of them. My brother Scotty often said if everyone on the street hung their problems on their clothes line (yes, there are places where people hang their clothes on a clothes line...and when you climb into a bed made with fresh off the line sheets, ah - that my friends is bliss.) Anyway, if you checked out everyone else's problems - you know like had a problem viewing street festival, maybe a BBQ, and some lemonade - well, Scotty said you would go back and take your own problems off your line. There is someone who has it worse than me being my point. For several years here in Cali we had "Our Gang." Donald, Jessie, Aaron, Michelle, Diego, Trish, Shari & I. We rented an RV and went to the Grand Canyon. On your birthday you chose what you wanted to do, and we all did it. We spent a lot of time together. Where there was one of us, another was not far away. We all worked together. We were the reality of the TV show friends. Time moved on, everyone went in their directions with wife, kids...I guess they grew up. I thought I had that with Liz. I was wrong. Now being here in Cali is not so much fun. That group of people were my family, my life...reckon I gotta get my own life now. Liz moved on. No looking back for her. My neck hurts from looking back. I know I need to look forward...and all the stuff currently out of my control will end. I'm not looking at living another 20 years here. I know that. But gosh I don't want my last years to be sitting in the dark cause the light hurts my eyes, with my leg twitching, and a silent stream of tears running down my face. I do not believe that is me. Maybe I am not a barrell of laughs but I loathe self-pity. I need to learn "The Way of THE ZUKO" Live in this moment, well not this exact moment because I feel rather crappy right now. I would scream but no one would hear me and it would only scare ZUKO. He is a sound sleeper. I do believe time will help put some stuff back in place. Then I will need to get out my toolbox and get to working on repairs. It is hard when you wake up and finally realize the life you thought you were going to live isn't going to happen. The construction has to start all over again. The destruction is a mess all around you. Man, I don't envy me right now. I don't even like me right now. Shoot I don't recognize me right now. It's onward we go. That is all we can do. Grab your backpack and move forward. My backpack has been misplaced, I will find it. I do miss those days with the gang. They have all made their lives what they sought, though everyone has BS to deal with they are happy. I remember what that feels like. Just need to find the roadmap forward to there.

Limbo

Limbo is no place for me...I am not here and I am not there. Application for disability is in limbo. Workers comp pushed back final settlement date, limbo. Not where I want to be yet I can't go where I want to because I am in limbo. Limbo sucks! There is a life out there which once was mine, events transpired and in limbo I now exists. I realized this morning, I ont know how much I am physically ill and how much I am emotionally ill. I am exhausted. I know that. I know I need to move forward because movement is life. When did my life no longer become mine...oh yeah, 8:03 on September 17, 2008. That was when a student hit me in my right knee. My life has not been the same. What in the world happened? The whole system is messed up. It is a tornado which has swept me up. I am swirling above what was my life, the more I fight the tighter the grip this BS has on me. Chin up and positive thoughts. I have kept them & kept them. Just when it appears a light is at the end of this tunnel, someone throws a shovel of dirt over the hole. I will keep fighting! I am stubborn. Sometimes that is not a good thing...now, during this time, being stubborn has been an asset. I am tired though. I am tired of waiting to get on with my life. I am exhausted! I am not a quitter. I won't quit now, there is appoint though when I can't continue in this state of limbo. Now my plan is to design a plan which will outwit the paper pushers. Is it possible to disappear? I don't sleep well on Saturday nights because I am already thinking about Monday. I don't sleep well on Sunday because Monday is here. Them after a day of work I don't sleep well because I am in pain. By Friday I am so exhausted I crawl into my bed at 4:00. Oh, I'm sorry I don't like whining! It sucks. I know this is only a moment in the entirety of my life...I also no the entirety of my life is getting smaller and smaller...and this is wasted time. I don't like wasting time. It's the Virgo in me...no wasting time. Work and work and work and work and finally either "they" will finish their BS or I will just walk away from it all. I want my life back. I want control of my life back...by golly it is going to be mine - one way or another my life has to come back to me, because, well, a person should at least have the right to say: "Yeah my life is a real mess, and I made that mess myself!" this mess, this shadow of my life, I did not make this mess.

Been a while

Then all this stuff at Penn state took off and despite not writing, I just felt the need. You see if a University such as Penn State can cover up the abuse of young men for 20 years, then I reckon we are in big trouble. If a man of such stature as Joe Paterno has knowledge of this crime and does nothing...oh sure he informed the AD, that is not enough. Why are we not protecting our children? And why are predators not identified? In this day and age how does a thing like this happen? One of the finest Universities in the country was fooling everyone. The Catholic church duped us, now Penn State has duped us. And there is a problem because our children do not feel safe to report when they are being abused. We have to change that! Children should feel safe in reporting anything, about anybody! In 40 years we have not made a significant change in our society, enough so children feel they are safe. We worry about standardized test scores, we worry about no child being left behind, we drill into our children the importance of college prepared - where in the curriculum are the sections about reporting, and feeling safe, telling what happens? Two parents working, single parent families, children raised by relatives - where in the world has our humanity gone? Goodness it makes me sick! Wake up people! Wake up, put aside the text books, test scores and add some quality time with our children! Every adult needs to find a child, reach out to that child, open your heart to a child. If we each adopt one child, we can make a difference. There is no profession, no institution, no person, who is exempt from suspicion. Let's start a conversation with our children about how they feel. At my school, the bullying that takes place horrifies me. Student to student, teacher to teacher, parent to teacher, administrator to teacher, student to teacher...everyday I witness at least one incident of bullying. What is the district's response? A 15 minute cartoon video! That is it. At the beginning of the year 15 minutes of a cartoon. When we witness abuse we are to make the two children shake hands and apologize. That's it! "They are only words." we are suppose to tell a crying child, "They are only words, let it go." Seriously? Yes, seriously! Should the incident be so aggrecious we can make a referral to the office. Folks, we are missing the boat! Our country won't fall into deeper darkness due to taxes, scam artists, & capitalism...our country is losing its children, and these children become broken adults. They become predators themselves. They end up in prison, mental institutions, or homeless faceless people we step over on the sidewalk! All the talk of taking back this country begins with one person willing to stand up for another. Cyber-bullying is so easy. Yet I wonder who is watching the children when they are on the computer? Freakin' wake up! Nothing is going to mean nothing if our children grow into grey ghost. Adults who have lost the ability to empathize. If our children have bruised souls and broken hearts, if they are incapable of feeling because they spent their childhood burying their feelings - gas or electric won't make a difference! So the next time you hear a racist, sexist, bigoted, bullying remark...what are you going to do? Are you strong enough to take a stand? Are you brave enough to speak up? What is going to be your legacy?

48 years

The sunsets on my 48th birthday. So many people contributed towards making this day special. I have officially lived twice as long as my biological mother. No I did not know her except for a small diary she kept. Most of it was written in German. Aldona Mae found someone to translate it for me. So what I know of my biological mother is that she did not like Germany. She wrote about the cold and the wood stove not keeping her warm. She was married to my father but in love with a man named Peter. She would never leave my father but she wished he was home more. She did not like motherhood. She felt overwhelmed and often sought help from Aldona Sr. And Mrs. Murphy. In a bar, one night, in 1990, a woman walked up to me - she asked if I was Lisa Stewart? I told her I was. This woman said she was one of the nurses there when I was born. She said, Eva, was malnourished and weak, but she pushed through the delivery...a few moments after I came out, Eva sat up and asked: "Is the baby alright?" Though I was underweight and not breathing they told her I was fine. This nurse said: "Then your mother lied back down, her heart stopped beating and she died." the nurse went on to say she would never forget that moment. Eva lived long enough so I could be delivered. I survived and have now lived twice as long as she did. Though the day of my birth is also a day of remembrance I still celebrate. I celebrate for both of us. If I look at the past with rose colored glasses or retell the happy memories, I do so because those are the memories which matter. At my brother Scotty's funeral I said: "We can remember moments of weakness or a lifetime of love.". Scotty was a tough nut. He did many things for which he felt such remorse, and he tried to atone for his failings. Family, faith, and Malone. The man loved Malone. He loved to ride around and point out all the buildings his grandfather or father, or he himself helped build. Where a building was crumbling he saw potential. As Main Street stores kept closing he kept looking for new businesses to lure to Malone. His dream was to make a coffe table book, photographs of North Country barns which had been built by community members coming together - Barn Raising was to be it's title. But Scotty did not have time to make the book. I hope one day I can take those photographs. I would title the book; "Through Scotty's Eyes." One day when Mommie was in ICU, Scotty came to the hospital. We waited for the ten minutes you could go in and see your family member. Mommie was hooked up to machines, she was in a coma. I sat next to her, held her hand, fixed her hair, tried to apply a little lipstick ( Mommie went no where without lipstick!) Scotty stood a few feet away. I told him he could come closer, talk to her, touch her. He couldn't do it. Just tears in his eyes, grateful when our time was up. Outside he said to me; Egghead(that was his I love you name for me), he said Egghead you are something special." my only response was love gives you strength you never knew you had. Which brings me back to Eva, love gave her strength so I could live theses 48 years. I have been blessed and I have been burdened. There are yet mountains to climb, flaws to fix and demons to banish...and two books to finish. I better get busy! See, I choose to remember the good things, the happy memories, and you can say I revise history...that is a good thing isn't it? For life will toss & tumble you like socks in the dryer, yet it is always your choice as to the memories you keep and the ones you let go of. Reckon I'll just keep on keeping on with happy memories at least until I am twice my current age. Thank you Eva for loving me enough.

You Have Probably Read This Before...

I am certain I have told this story before, however it is worth repeating. My biological mother, Eva, died when I was born. My biological father, Larry, did not know what to do with a one year old & a newborn infant. In stepped Mommie & Daddy Pat. They gave my sister and I a home. More importantly, they gave us a family. Linda & I were loved, we were accepted, we had a home, we were family. I cannot explain or describe the magnitude of this gift. From the time I was born I was an orphan, yet I wasn't. Sure I wonder how life would have been had Eva lived. I think that is normal - what God took away he gave back to me in a million other ways. Larry's mother & sister, my Little Gram & Aunt Norma were always there for us. We had two biological cousins, Steven & John. Every summer we spent two weeks at Little Grams. Steven & John were at the house every morning, ready to spend the day with Linda & I. Reckon they may have had other things they would rather have been doing, but for two weeks of the year, Linda & I were with our biological family and it was wonderful. At home in Malone, we had Rosie & Aldona Mae - we were sisters. We played together, we had our share of sibling rivalries, we were normal sisters. The Murtagh Clan was large. At family gatherings Linda & I were cousins, just like everyone else. What Mommie & daddy Pat gave us, both the good and the bad was unconditional love. There was turmoil & trauma, through my rose colored glasses I see only the gift of love. As life is often six degrees of separation, the friends we made, everything we had, the women we are today all began the moment we went home with Mommie & Daddy Pat. When circumstances became difficult it was my brother Scotty & his wife Wanda who took me in. They didn't hesitate, I was their sister, I needed a place to live, that was
that. I became a big sister my niece Amy. That was yet another gift. When circumstances allowed I was able to "go home" to Mommy & Daddy Pat. To this day Aldona Mae, has been the best sister anyone has ever had. What amazes me even more are the friends who become family. Y'all know Eileen has been my best friend since the moment I was born. This friendship gave me even more family; I am Aunt Lisa to Lauren & Jacob, Mrs. Murphy has always treated me like a
6th daughter. Just today they threw me a surprise birthday/graduation party. Who was there? Of course Eileen, my niece Lauren, my nephew Jake, my sisters Margaret & Patty with their husbands, my brother Frank - Leigh, my soon to be niece - June my Cousin/friend & Jill, whose blessed Mother drove the bus I rode to school on. Together they all came to celebrate me. It amazes & humbles me...for what I lost upon the day I was born God gave back in at least 1,000 different ways. Everything I am, any good I have done, any obstacle I overcame I have done so because I am loved. My friends in CA, Donald, Jessie, Lynn, AnnaLee, & Michelle & Aaron who now live in NC, or Shari who lies in HI, Liz & Emily, Tony, Nazi, Anna - and I could go on and on...I have such a blessed life because Mommie & Daddy Pat showed me the true meaning of love. Little Gram & Aunt Norma showed me the true meaning of love. Yes, there were dark days, days of struggle; then a day like today happens, a party where everyone came together, enveloping me in a cocoon of love - once again I bury the tough parts, and with my rose colored glasses (they really were rose colored glasses, Margaret gave them to me), and my revisionist history, I am once again amazed by those who find me worthy of love - these are the memories to keep. These are the moments when my tears are joyous, when I wish I could give back 1/4 the love I receive - these are the days when I say my prayers and I thank God for all he has given me. We overcome because we are not alone. Knowing, I am sometimes lonely, yet never alone...well this is all I need. I suppose I might always wonder what life would have been like had Eva lived, I will never know; so I have lived the life God gave me. I thank him for opening the one door as he closed another. My faith is easy to hold, I only need look around me, and my entire life is a miracle. And when it appears I can't escape those moments of hell God opens the heavens and with my faith restored I move forward with strength, conviction, and absolutely no fear - surrounded with unconditional love nothing can stop me. The saying is somewhat trite...it is not the number of times you are knocked down, what most counts is the number of times you get up! I'll keep getting up!

When It Happens...

I have read every book I could find on rape and incest. In one book an 89 year old nun said no matter how much time had past there were still moments "when it happen." You don't know when, but you know it will. This women who had given her life in service to God, who spoke of forgiveness and healing -for her, as for any survivor there are moments when you just lose it. Flashbacks which remove you from who you are today and push you back to who you were back then. It can be a smell, a sound, a sight, a scene in a movie...it can be most anything - you never know and you have no control over it. Sometimes you lose time, or just curl up in a ball and cry. Sometimesbyou push through, using coping strategies you have taught yourself. If it were possible to "just get over it" we would all make that choice. We see it in our soldiers when they return from combat. For those most impacted by 9/11, they too cannot just get over it. Inhave a student who saw her father kill her mother, she was 6 years old - shall we tell her to just get over it? When it happens, when something triggers a flashback, it might be hours, days, months, years, or maybe never...you just dontbget over some things. At best you push them back into their boxes and you go about living the life you have made. You remember who you are today, you remember all that is good and right with your life. You engage in any activity which might push away the sensations, the tears, the fear, the pain! I reckon you do whatever it takes. When it happens you may cry for no apparent reason, you may cling to those you love so tight - and they don't quite understand...I write, I write these words and with each letter printed I can come closer, back to the me I am today. I feel bad because I am not quite the sarcastic Sally who cracks jokes and points out the absurdities in life which are just funny. But this is my therapy, my emergence from the damaged and scarred little girl back to the just plain crazy me. And I know there are millions of other people who have those "When it happens" moments - and perhaps one of them will stumble upon this silly blog and know they are not alone, and just maybe that will comfort or help them. And maybe if I find the right words I can get out of this dark tunnel and back to the person whom joyously celebrates every moment of everyday...because I know how blessed and loved I truly am. I know there are people who love me so much they would take this gut wrenching pain and feel it themselves to spare me when it happens. So please stay tuned, for I will get out of this tunnel...Mommie use to say the more you cry the less you pee, I have no idea what that means, I just figure it must be a good thing so I'll go with that!

Hope

12 days ago Eileen found a caterpillar. She brought it inside. It turned into it's cocoon while we were camping. This morning Hope emerged from her cocoon and is now a beautiful butterfly. While yesterday's post was "heavy" it is only one side of my life. The other side is this person who has spent the better part of 3 weeks documenting the amazing miracle of nature. Even as I sit here writing I have one eye on hope...both literally and figuratively. Hope's wings will dry and she will take flight! It won't be long, 30 minutes or so. And I with my scars and damaged pieces will dry my wings and fly-maybe not in 30 minutes, it will happen. During the darkest of my days I have lost hope. In moments of anger & frustration I have given in. Then someone or something would click inside my thick head and I would remember the power of hope. I would remember that I am never alone or that there are so many who carry a cross much heavier than mine. I would remember A & W teen-burgers and root beer on a warm summer evening. I would remember Little Gram giving me unconditional love. I would remember the sacrifices Poopy made to be with me when I most needed her, or her Rosie & I playing Patridge Family with tennis rackets and curling irons in front of the mirror. I would remember chilly fall days and jumping in big piles of leaves or walking for hours around a Christmas tree lot until Mommie found just the right one. I would remember hanging out at the Dairy Queen & trying to kick out the street lights. I would remember riding my Yamaha YZ80 for hours and hours, ah, the freedom that gave me. I would remember how Rosie helped me get into Upward Bound and how Upward Bound was such a gift. I would remember playing softball, or basketball, or volleyball at FA-gosh I loved being a member of a team. The circumstances that left scars did not steal my hope - at times the light dimmed but someone who loved me would come along and change the bulb. Mary Chapin Carpenter song...There's No Such Thing As No Regrets But Baby That's Alright! Yesterday through me for a loop. At 48 (not until next week) I cried myself to sleep last night...but can you see the miracle of God, that I awoke this morning and Hope was born. As she clings to that leaf, I cling to her promise! I did wake up this morning, and I am walking and talking and I have Hope! She is beautiful. Not a silly bug, a beautiful butterfly. I don't reckon we get to understand the pains in our life - we endure them, but we continue on - we cling to all that is good...we open our hearts to love and we love back with all our might. We watch a caterpillar emerge a butterfly and we name her Hope. Today, our world is abound in turmoil and chaos - yet each of us has the opportunity to spread some hope. If we each do it, why I reckon we can make a difference. And perhaps someone whose life we touch, someone who has lost their hope and sits in darkness, well maybe we can change their lightbulb and they will see hope all around them. Sometimes life just sucks, yet we can change our perspective...we can change our own lives, better yet we might just change someone else's. Isn't that just cool?

The Truth

On my left wrist I wear a leather band with the word "TRUTH" on it. I wear it to remind me if you always tell the truth you never have to remember anything. I also wear it as a reminder of what the TRUTH of my life is. While some of those who were suppose to love and protect me did not-my TRUTH is that I survived! Despite what they did to me I thrived! However, today I encountered the man who sexually abused me for three years. That is TRUTH. And when he reached out to hug me I almost vomited. When I was 6 or 7, I don't remember those years so much...this man abused me in ways you cannot imagine-in ways I can't comprehend. This is the TRUTH. I was taken from my Mommie & Daddy Pat, from my sisters Rosemary & Aldona Mae, from my brothers Scotty & Greg...and I went to live in hell! This is TRUTH! What no child should ever have to endure, I survived. When no one believed me, I survived. I learned to separate my body from my mind...then I spent years trying to get my body to forgive my mind. TRUTH! When my biological father made his choice, it was not to protect his daughters, I have long ago forgiven him. I am grateful for the faith I had in God, and thankful because I knew my Daddy Pat loved me. When he learned the TRUTH he wanted to kill the man who stole my innocence, my childhood! Daddy Pat was my hero. Times were so different then. Today the man who abused me would be in jail-but in those days, no one wanted the TRUTH to be known. I was to keep quiet! I did not keep quiet! The TRUTH needed telling! I dont remember why no one believed the TRUTH-I reckon it was easier to deny it! I was a shy, beaten down little girl, but I had a voice because Mommie & Daddy Pat taught me love. I knew what love was-you should not take a little girl from the only family she ever knew and send her to hell! I do not believe in hell as an afterlife option. I lived in hell, I have done my time there! When I die I will go be with Mommie & Daddy Pat, I will once again go home. Any child who endured sexual, physical, or emotional abuse does not forget-this is TRUTH. Then one day God reached down and plucked me from hell, I went home. Mommie & Daddy Pat took me home. The ensuing years were no picnic, but there was love, and love will win! When the day is darkest, love will win! And when your heart is heaviest, love will lift you up! I kmow this TRUTH because after I left my father's I went to Wandas & Franks, they love me. Wanda has always loved me. She & Scotty let me live there during a family crisis - and there she was my Bug A Boo - and we hugged one another with such love...in that hug I felt TRUTH! My damaged & scarred self is not who Amy hugged; she hugged the girl she once asked "Can you be my sister?" this is TRUTH! When I was in hospital for 22
days, Poopy stayed right there with me, every moment...she kept notes, she asked questions,
she saved my life-TRUTH! When Poopy had to leave, Eileen drove back & forth from Burlington 3
times so she could fly across the country and take care of me...this love is TRUTH! Today I
stood in front of the bastard who stole that which can never be given back...then I hugged my
Bug A Boo, and Wanda, I met Rick, Amy's husband, hugged Frank, Wanda's husband - I stopped to
see friends, then came home to Eileen's home, where I am always at home. I teach children who
have special needs - when one of my students is living in their own hell I see it in their
eyes and when I look at them they see TRUTH in my eyes -and they know for the time they spend
with me they are safe. There is no "getting over" rape! You live and you move on and you
achieve just to spite the bastard! The TRUTH, however, one single moment can take away all you
have done - and the TRUTH is you can get a great big hug from your Bug A Boo, and the demons
are shed and you, I can remember the power of love. I can know the TRUTH-yes, something was
taken which no time can replace...yet I survived! I Thrived! I live the TRUTH, maybe it won't
set me free but love will...this is TRUTH!

Friends

Our families are ours, most of the time, because we are born into them. In my case my family was given to me because Mommie & Daddy Pat had great big hearts. Rosie, Poopy Sister, Scotty, & Greg became my brothers & sisters. Biologically I had my sister Linda, two cousins, Aunt Norma & uncle Chuck-and of course my beloved Little Gram & Grandpa Stewart. However, my family-for me were the aunts, uncles, and cousins given to me by Mommie & Daddy Pat. Then there is the family we create-those people whom become our friends, and over time become our family. Yesterday I spent with my biological father, Daddy Larry-and my family of friends, Eileen, Frank, Linda, & June. Eileen has been my family forever-Linda, June, and I have been family since middle school. Sometimes I feel so humbled by the gift these individuals have given me. Although my life began with the death of my biological mother, God has given me so much. I don't know if it has been his way to balance my life scale. Next week my Bug A Boo and her husband are coming to town-I just can't wait to see her! I can't wait to see my sister in-law, Wanda and her husband Frank. I want to spend some time with my cousin Sean and his family. When I return to CA, I have my family of Liz & Emily. Lynn and Annalee, Shellye, Debbie, Sandy, and of course my Donald. Last night I saw Mr. Cring. He taught at Franklin Academy. I don't remember how our life paths crossed-I can tell you Mr. Cring has loved and supported me for over 30 years. He gave me a job as a popcorn hawker, promoted me to head hawker-the only female ever to hold that position, when the big!quake of 1994 hit LA, he sent money to help me out. He has written me letters of recommendations which have left me crying and wondering if he was writing about someone else. We have a biological family and a family of love. Isn't that just amazing? Life is amazing, isn't it? We open our eyes and see beauty everywhere. We feel love and we give love-all of it picking us up, carrying us, holding us, warming us, and supporting us. How does that happen? Last night I saw a sooting star-I didn't make a wish, instead I said "thank you." I have so many wonderful, special, intelligent family & friends. Life is a a roller coaster...certainly, it gives us ups and downs...and life gives us family and friends who ride that coaster with us. We are never alone, we are given love-and love really does lift us up! Love really can hold us and give us strength we did not know we possessed. Love heals us, guides us, makes us laugh, makes us cry-love is amazing. Though we cannot truly define love. We know it when we feel it, but we seldom find words to adequately express the depth of our love. All I know, and I know this for certain-love allows us, empowers us, carries us, and makes us strong! Love is the great equalizer-can't live without love-I reckon love is what fills all the gaps. Amazing isn't it?

The Fair

If you did not grow up in Malone, you won't get the fair at all. For those who grew up in Malone there tends to be two categories; those who love the fair and those who hate the fair. Yes there are the carnies-the folks who manage the rides and the rip off games...now when we lived above the laundry mat, the carnies came in to wash their clothes-so we got to know them a little more than most folks. You know what? They were just folks like each of us. They were not all drug addicts or drunks, they were not all people running from the law. Some were married folks with children and had chosen the carnie life because it was fun! They enjoyed the travel, seeing different parts of the country, the "carnie family." some were young folks who climbed aboard the carnie truck from some small town because life on the road was more than life had to offer in their home town. To generalize, to assume that being a carnie automatically placed you in the "skuzzball" category is to say all politicians are corrupt. We can't generalize any group of people, at least we shouldn't-there are good and bad in every group. I love the fair! I always have. I started hawking popcorn when I was in the 8th grade. Up and down those grandstand steps, I had some strong calves. For many folks in Malone the fair is their vacation. They save all year just for that one week of rides, food, and grandstand shows. Could their money be better spent? Well who among us doesn't have a guilty pleasure, spending money on something we could go without. If you walk the fairgrounds on a brisk August evening you are bound to see most everybody you know-except for those who avoid the fair like the plague. Isn't it fun just to eat some cotton candy, spin a few times on a cheesy ride, have some hot sausage with "the works", watch a horse race or a has been country act? There is something grand about escaping the everyday, just be a kid looking at blue ribbon apple pies, and blue ribbon cows, even blue ribbon goats. Yes, there is dirt everywhere, and babies don't belong there, and some folk act stupid...isn't that just a microcosm of life? I reckon you can find good and bad anywhere, depends what your looking for. No one can argue against Frenchy's Fried Dough or Jo Jo's hot sausage! Demolition derby, people intentionally smashing up cars-that is some good therapy! Those who don't care for the fair will never see the little girl on her show pony trotting on the inner ring-they won't hear the harness jockeys mumbling obscenities toward one another, they won't appreciate the 12 hour days a carnie works or the hundreds of volunteers who work at the various food stands...and nothing I say will convince them otherwise. The Franklin County Fair is "The Event" of the year-your either in or your out-I'll be there, just a big kid enjoying the
sights and sounds of people who escape for a day or two, those who travel from town to town-
the haters can stay away-more for me! However if you haven't been in a while, give it a whirl-
you never know, you might just like a blooming onion or a tractor pull!

What We Don't Know

That always confused me when someone said what we don't know won't hurt us. It simply is not true! WharT we dont know is quite capable of hurting us. For example if you don't know what poison ivy looks like, then pick up a whole bunch of it, well by golly that is going to hurt you. You will be itching for days. If your taking a final exam, and don't know the answers, that will hurt! If you forget, thereby not know, your debit card pin number well that can be a royal pain. I pay for most everything with my debit card. One time I forgot my pin number and my account was licked. Had to call the bank, answer all those questions, then wait three days for a new card to arrive. Just stayed home for three days, 'cause without my card what could I do? Then when I received my card I had to change many an account number on bills that are directly taken via my debit card...see, not knowing can be a real pain. Speaking of pain-what if you don't know you broke your finger? Then when the pain finally forces you to the Dr. They have to re real your finger because it set wrong. That not knowing business, no I think what you don't know sure can hurt you! Ignorance, that can be "not knowing." with this being the prelude period for 2012 elections, not knowing is a huge problem! People who don't know, or are ignorant about many important issues-well when they vote their "not knowing" can hurt a lot of other people. In CA, TV commercials are created which make it appear that if gay folks are allowed to marry, then straight folks will be struck by lightning-not literally, close though...so in a state known for it's liberal & diverse population, gay marriage is not allowed. Then a state such as Iowa votes to allow all citizens to marry-the difference between the two states is knowledge. Knowledge is power! Now if you don't know your shirt is buttoned crooked and no one tells you, you look silly all day. Then when you discover your mis-buttoning you feel silly. Knowing is better. That is just the way it is. Ignorance is not bliss, it is dangerous. So if you know stuff, you should share that stuff with other folks. NBC has that tag line: "The More You Know." that appears correct, doesn't it? The more we know the better off we are. Our knowing, and sharing what we know, that's the ticket. So we must not fear sharing our knowledge because keeping it a secret can hurt not only us, but it can hurt others. Just font act like a "know it all." share without being condescending. You can do it. If we all share what we know as truth, well I reckon we can help each other a whole lot. And for goodness sake, if I have a big piece of broccoli stuck between my front teeth tell me, please don't let me go grinning like a nummy-nut with broccoli stuck there making me look sillier than I already do!

Summer's End

It is the beginning of summer's end. The fair is the first sign. The chill in the morning air is yet another sign. My return date to CA has been set. Back to school commercials fill the TV airways. Today is Michelle's birthday, tomorrow Trish, and then mine rolls around. A year ago today I started a great downward spiral. The toll of my leg injury and the beginning of this head problem...insert all your jokes here! Truth be told I am surprised I am still around. I awake each morning giddy with life. Each day is a greater gift than the one before. Now, I truly understand the power and gift of each day. With my future so uncertain, I must remain in the moment. The enormity of uncertainty is too great to contemplate. What I know, and what I feel with such humble gratitude is the love of my family and friends. Every time life tossed me another boulder, someone stepped in to help me catch it. I don't believe there is any greater feeling than love! Knowing, truly feeling, seeing, holding love in your heart -WOW! Though I know I have never walked alone, this past year has brought me a depth of comprehension, the likes of which I have never known! I truly hope every person has the opportunity to know and feel all I have over the past year. We meander through our days, doing the tasks required by life, and we are happy or satisfied. We do what we should, fulfill our obligations-when we have a break, vacation, a respite from our routine we are grateful. We celebrate holidays, birthdays, & anniversaries. There is more though. It is all the quiet moments in between when we can find the greatest of gifts. Through my climb, I have been given sight, I have been filled with love, I have been blanketed with kindness. People have opened their hearts, allowing love to flow forth, enveloping me in a cocoon of hope and filled my soul with a promise of love. Too say I may have learned all of this without the mountain climbing-well that may well be true-however, life is what it is...I hope my depth of understanding, my ability to see what is not visible, the power of love & the gift of faith-yes, perhaps I would have arrived here anyway-I arrived! This is what matters! I arrived carried by love and support given to me by so many. While I could not begin to repay, I can promise you this...everyday I am given I will celebrate! Everyday I am given I will offer the best of myself! Each day I will live so you will be proud of me, & I will fight with all my might to live a life so when you think of me you will smile! Then, when my time here is expired...well, then still when you think of me you will smile-you will know how each of you lifted up a broken person and put her together better than she could have ever dreamed of
being. If at the end of each of our lives-if we can look back, knowing we really made a
difference, well by golly, then our life was well lived-so to each of you who take the time to read my ramblings...I say to you: Thank you! Each of you are embedded in my being. Every step
I take, every breath I take, every moment I live - all of it has been a joyous journey on
which each of you have carried me! Thank you, thank you, and thank you! I am still fighting,
and I will not stop moving forward with hope! Wherever I go, I'll take you with me! That was
Mommie's best song - "My love wherever I go, I take you with me." hang on though, 'cause I am
just starting to live!

I've been thinking

This is my 48th year of life, that is a good long time and despite what many might say I have learned a few things. I have learned that you don't burn bridges. It is not a good practice. Today what makes you angry, tomorrow you won't remember. Also, it is best not to grab onto every new shiny thing you see. Don't be afraid to try new things but don't rush to judgement. This is especially true of people. Most people can fake the funk for a while, therefore it is best to be cautious yet optimistic when meeting new people. For the most part people are good. Yet, lasting friendships are rare gifts. Hold on to those who have stuck by you through thick and thin. I believe in love at first sight yet I also believe humans are not monotonous creatures. We get what we expect. If you expect failure that is what you will get. I don't think anyone plots ways to hurt me. Though we all get hurt. There is a price to pay for everything. We have to decide if the price is worth the possibility of the pain. The more we open our hearts the more love we let in, conversely the more we love the greater the chance for loss. Take the chance, love is one thing worth any price. Accept apologies. Hanging on to anger only hurts you. Accept the gifts people offer, all gifts should be cherished. We are not perfect. Expecting others to meet some ideal we have in our minds will only leave us disappointed. I believe people do their best and that is good enough. Let go of what you can't change. And there is little we can change so learning to let go is important. Hang on to the people who make you laugh. Laughter really is good medicine. Don't spend time asking "Why me?". Why not me? Each of us will have to carry our share of rocks. I can change how I perceive a situation. That gives me the ability to find good everywhere. Food should be cooked. A pair of comfortable shoes are priceless! Putting off until tomorrow that which can be done today, is OK. Especially vacuuming and dusting. Love freely. Don't be afraid, give it a try. Be grateful for what you have instead of lamenting over what you don't have. Be happy when someone else has good fortune. Don't ask why. There is no answer to that question. Sometimes badbthings happen to good people and sometimes bad people have the best luck. Can't explain it or understand it so why try. Be the best you. That will always suffice. Don't stop growing. Inside of each of us is an even better us, keep working to get that better you out into the sunshine. Slip on shoes are a good idea. Yes, morning people are often hard to tolerate-just smile and nod. Your mother was right when she told you "If you don't have anything good to say be quiet." everyday offers you an opportunity to do better, challenge yourself. Sometimes it is going to hurt, the hurt does go away-you decide how long the pain remains. Have more than one guilty pleasure. Share yourself with others. You never know when your kind smile or friendly hello is the difference in someone else's day. Eat dessert first. Then vegetables. Pie is a food group. Ice cream is always a good idea. Dont be afraid to ask, but never ask unless you are positive you want to hear the answer! Laugh, love, and don't worry about an extra pound. Be your best you. Share what you have, accept what others offer, thank God before you go to sleep, and remember you are not perfect. Forgive yourself, ice cream helps.

This is life

The sight of a newborn baby, held in her mother's arms. Sunshine reflection on the water as you drift aboard a boat. The feeling in the pit of your stomach when you see the person you are in love with. And who dosnt appreciate a rainbow after a thunderous storm rolls out. Being needed, and being able to meet that need. The feeling of want, accompanied with a plan to "make it happen." the sound of a babbling brook or the roar of a waterfall. Spending time with family and friends. Eating tomatoes from the garden. The wind blowing in your face as you cruise on a motorcycle (despite what June says. Crackling logs from your campfire accompanied by toasting the perfect marshmallow. Someday when all the lights on main street are green. Watching birds, squirrels, & chipmunks take their turn at the feeder. The wide-eyed wonderment the first step a baby takes, before he falls when he realized he wea walking on his own. There are Many good,decent human beings on this Earth. Just don't watch the news or read the paper-happy ending seldom make it to the paper. Of course life has another side-skinned knees, broken hearts, broken bones, the passing of someone we love. No, life is not for the weak! However, we are much stronger than we believe. We have family & friends to lean on. We do not have to walk alone. Manta times we have felt "if they only knew the truth, they wouldn't like me." ya know that probably isnt true. I have true ships which have suvevd 48 years of this living business. In my darkest hour someone who loved me was with me. Waking up every morning is my present which God has given me. I can't waste a precious gift God has given me. Even on those days when I am wearing a hideous plaid sweater to my aubt's house because she gave it to me, even on those days I cannot waste a moment. Moments become minutes and minutes become years-and you get to wondering where did thebtime go? Well, I reckon it went into your life...the good and the bad, the light and the darkness. Yes, this is life. Isn't it amazing how hummingbirds flap their wings so fast, yet remain perfectly still? Oh how we need to turn off the news, be silent within our souls & listen to our inner voice. Just slow down a wee bit to enjoy the scent of an orange grove, A child's laughter, lightening bugs on a warm summer night-soak in all the joy of fresh cur grass, gentle breezes, or our dog waiting for us at the door. Life is not all cupcakes and hot sausages from the fair. Responsibilities have to be met. Obligations need filling. The world is in quite a mess, we can choose to labor over that which we will never change or accept it and move. The human spirit is wondrous! Nit knowing if today is the last day, we must live as if it were! For all the pain, the hurt, the struggles, for all of those close your eyes I don't want to look moments, there are even yet a million more jaw dropping, take your breath away, tears of joy and laughing until you cry moments. These are what we get by on. Wasting any piece of your pie, now that would be a darn shame. You cannot change what happens to you or around you-but you can change how you receive life & how you choose to react to challenges. It is not always easy, but Mommie always said plant your own garden and water it often. (the water part might have to with cocktails-nothing wrong with that," we must go out, be silent, follow our hearts, ignore ignorance, and advocate for longer weekends!

Sisters

As with any family, some bond are closer than others...hoever the bond between sisters is the srongest. Sisters will fight and they will make io. Sisters will speak their truth, and you will listen. When all your cards are gone it is your sisters who replenish your deck. I have a biological sister I have not seen in 20 years or so. Once every few years I seal with her on the telephone; that is by sheer coincidence. As much asnit pains me, all I can do is respect her desire and move forward. I do not know my niece and nephew. They are grown, one in college the other in HS. That is sad. There was a time when the two of us were all we had, so we took care of one another. Then one day she was gone and that ws that. She didn't look back, and as she grew older she did not want to repair and rebuild our relationship. And for as many nights I cried myself to sleep, wondering what I had done, what was so awful in me that she would just leave and never come back. God does provide for in place of the one sister I lost I was given 3 more (Eileen counts in my book). Through the years we have all known happiness and we have all known pain. Together we buried our parents and to brothers. I do not believe any other relationship is quite like that of sisters-though we disagree, or we don't approve, in the end we are there for one another. We love one another the best way we know how. What our sisters offer us may not be what we want, but we take it anyway-there is an unconditional guarantee which comes with sisterhood. We may not want any part of ourmsiblings lives, yet we are there with them.
I spent this past week with two of my sisters. Rosie, our hostess did everything she coils so we would have a food time. and we did have a good time! Even if we had done nothing I thinknwe would still remember this as the summer of healing. Over the past week some ghosts were let go. It was a wonderful week! Life throws us so curve balls you need a sister to help you hold the bat, ot tell when to dunk. And when we are making the worst possible life choice it Is our aiatwrtrailing behind us, picking up the pieces of us so we can get put back together again. We fight, don't speak one another, we we will never speak to"hher" again, yet we always do. It takes some work, and it takes time...I believe we are on the right path. I pray we are. We are all getting of ages when every moment is a precious gifts, thus we have no time to waste on what happened twenty years ago. This is our time to be together as family and friends. As we continue on our life's journey it is great a great comfort having these remarkable women to all my sisters. One door was closed, many other doors opened. Evey day one of my gives me a gift, as small a phone call or as big as a phone call. I know I will never be hungry or homeless, I will not be alone, one of my siaters will rescue me from a disater I created. Not a one of us is perfect, together we are perfection.

Past The Sleeping Point

You know how sometimes you are so tired because you couldn't go to sleep when you were ready to go to sleep-well that is me. Since I cannot sleep I figured I would tell y'all about the first night of my 30 year class reunion. First, I really did not recognize many people. Here and there someone would come in, but for the most part I had to ask people's name. I was at the check in table handing out raffle tickets-gave me an advantage because I could sneak a peak at the list - There was a group of us who attended 1st grade through 5th grade. Bishop Smith alumni and Franklin Academy alumni. That does not happen much any more. Many of the "crew" I hung out with in HS were there. That was cool! Can't say I remembered a lot of others. 30 years not seeing a person makes it difficult to remember...really it does. Funny I was at that check in table, gave people their raffle tickets and an explanation regarding the drawing for door prizes and no one asked my name. The people I wanted to see, they recognized me or I them. My cousin June, who lives here in Malone, many people think I am her, so I did receive several hello Junes. It was nice seeing Laura, Linda, Gail, Bernadine. Good to catch up on 30 years of life. Sharing stories, who has children, or grandchildren. Who was married, divorced, what people had done in 30 years. A lot more gray hair, or less hair, some chunky HS students now skinny and vise versa. As the evening wore on, from my vantage point, I could observe peoples' facial expressions or hear them laugh, then I could remember a few more people. Bernadine commented it was because I was so quiet that people did not remember me. That was good to know-my "be invisible" plan had in fact been effective! It was nice watching folks light up when they recognized someone. Guess that is why people attend reunions. Unfortunately I ran out of steam so I did not do much mingling. Which was as it should have been. Reunions, OK so this was my first, in general though, people clustered the same way as they had in HS. A lot of our classmates have passed on...17 or something like that. Seems like a lot considering there were 286 students in our graduating class. Overall I would give the experience a B. Seeing HS friends was cool, we could sort of pick up just like it was yesterday. Some folks who I have connected with via FB, it was nice sharing a hug. Tomorrow is buffet dinner & a band at the country club. People will be more at ease. As for me, those who were my friends, have always been my friends, so seeing them was grand. Life keeps going, people change-not as much as you would think. That is kinda funny-some things never change. Whether that is good or bad...well I just don't figure that matters. It is as it is. I am
glad I went. So for me it was what it was, & that is that. Now maybe I can get some sleep.
That would be nice!

Class reunion

Tonight is the first gathering of my graduating class of which I have attended. It has been 30 years since I have seen most of these folks. Reckon I could say it has been longer than that. I don't remember if I attended my HS graduation. No one remembers. Daddy Pat died on May 23, 1981. Graduation was on June 23, 1981. It was A Sunday. The busiest day of the week at Tony's. I was also headed to Plattsburgh for the beginning of EOP. 6 weeks on the college campus taking classes and preparing to be a college freshman. I remember Daddy Larry was taking me there because, like I said, a Sunday in June was a busy day at Tony's so there was no way Mommie could take me. Tonight Eileen and I will head up to Mo's and reunite with some of our fellow graduates. HS was not an easy time for me. If it wasn't for sports I would have quit HS. We had Tony's to run. Daddy Pat had been sick on and off for years, Rosie was off to college, Linda had left by then, and Aldona Mae was still so young. Mommie would not let me quit HS. It would have been easier, I could have been more help running the bar. As it was I would stay up until closing, then get up at 6:00 to catch the bus. Mrs. Brixius drove the bus. She was such a wonderful lady. Always smiling, always greeted every child by name. Made those cold winter mornings just more bearable. HS years are akward for most folks. It was a daily balancing act- trying to stretch independence while wanting to avoid responsibility. That was a tough challenge. Participating in sports kept me going to school. I did not take one book home when i was in HS. I would not have done the homework so I saw no reason lugging the books around. I don't know how it will feel tonight. Not a one of us is the same person we were 30 years ago. Eileen and I volunteered to do jobs, it is our protective shield against our awkward social phobias. I am not a timid little girl afraid of everyone. I think tonight should be fun. Suppose it will be what we make of it. Just the same, 30 years of living-that changes everyone, so it will be interesting, finding out the events of people's lives. I don't know why I feel so nervous...how silly of me. There are many a folk I am looking forward to seeing. I will let y'all now how it turns out! Don't hold breath until then, you will pass out.

Sometimes you want to go...

It is like the theme song from cheers-sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name and their always glad you came...I am so blessed because I can do this in LA then I can come to Malone and do the same thing....Wednesday night at the Trailside is horse shoe night. Not everyone plays, we all show up;the locals and the "Summer People.". Being from Malone I am a tweener; just like the Trailside itself, I am in between being a local and being a summer person. This is my second summer spent in Malone, tonight the first night of horseshoes. I'll tell ya it was so wonderful to see everyone-and that they remembered me, or had heard about my health challenges, and when they asked how I was doing, they really wanted to know. We have lost so much of our sense of community...cities grow larger, families move where there is work, we end up spread all around this wonderful country-then come summer, a group of people reunite. The year has gone by and there you are, chatting with friends. You share stories about your year, who had babies, who got married, who went to their final restindg place- and in all of it, sitting there both tired and cold such a peace filled me. You can go home again; our families are not only those people bound by blood-our families are people bound by love. At the Trailside I have met people who are so kind, so open, so accepting - I have friendships. Isn't that amazing? This world is so large, people are so busy-times have been tough...however, on Wednesday nights you can head up to the Trailside, know who you are going to see, and pick up conversations as if the winter months never occurred! When I return to LA I feel I am at home, and when I come to Malone I know I am at home. The kindness of other's so humbles me-that Izzy would take the time to read the silly ramblings of my blog-this knowledge just pulled my heartstrings. When we begin to give share our humanity we need to break it down-yes, there are people who choose horrendous behaviors, yes we get hurt, we get knocked down, and our bodies betray our spirits-what we once could do, well we just can't do those things anymore. So we reinvent ourselves. We adapt, we overcome, we look to one another for support..and in those moments, moments like this evening when the kindness of someone's words or actions touches the very core of our heart, it is how we build a reservoir of strength, cause that winter will be coming-time and responsibilities will send us off in different directions-and we will start counting the days until it is horseshoe night at the Trailside.
Growing up I often wondered why Mommie so wanted to own a bar/restaurant. It wasn't until I was much older that I could understand; Mommie loved people, she loved to give of herself, and she wanted to create a place where everyone would know your name. I don't know what plan God has for me(believe me I have asked many a times over the past few months!) I pray I make it
for another summer in Malone, and I pray I see my friends at the Trailside come horseshoe
night. I hope it is in my deck of cards, in everyone's deck of cards...we will climb
mountains and cross valleys, having a Wednesday night amongst friends-that might just be the
little extra gas in our tank which keeps us moving-movement is life. However the futures plays out, the peace I felt this evening is beyond any words I could write-it is a feeling I wish for everyone because it is so wondrous! Some may say all of this is silly. That is all right
I have been called worse! The faster life gets to spinning us the more we need a time slower-downer(is that a word?) Oh, I reckon many people would say I am just looking through rose colored glasses (what are rose colored glasses?) if given the choice, shouldn't all of us view the world with such magical glasses? We do get to choose. In and of itself, the power of choice allows each of us to search and to find a family around a horse shoe pit. That is pretty darn cool!

What is beautiful?

So this weekend is our 30th high school reunion. We pulled out the yearbook, you know, looking at the people and such- wondering how many people might still look like they did 30 years ago. I don't reckon many of us look like we did 30 years ago! In 30 years a lot of life happens-and all that life changes us, not just emotionally, but physically. Most of us will wear more lines on our faces, laugh lines, worry lines, just plum wore out lines, many of us will wear scars, some visible, some not- many people will be complete transformations from the ackward teenagers we were in 1981-and some will have lost the confidence of their youth, perhaps becoming awkward adults...yup, a lot happens in 30 years. I have not attended a HS reunion, née erase a reason to. Then FB came along, and I began to make connections with people from HS, and then I wanted to see those people. Now I don't know if the whole thing will just be a boring waste of time; though I don't believe it will. During my recent health battles many of my '81 classmates sent me cards or good thoughts and this really touched me. In HS I imagined myself a ghost, walking the halls of FA invisible to the majority. That wasn't so true after all. Some folks actually knew who I was and they remembered me. Had actual memories of me. I was shocked by this. Being invisible was my secret weapon, turns out I was not invisible and I did not need a secret weapon. One person who will not beat our reunion is Ted Dufrane. Ted and I had a very special bond. Soul mates, we were soul mates we loved one another and we had big plans and big dreams- we were either going to change the world or find someplace where no one could find us. Then life happened and I went off to college and Ted joined the Air Force-we did meet again, then a simple twist of fate seperates us. Ted passed away, I was not able to tell him how his presences in my life made my life have so much more meaning. Perhaps this is why I wanted to attend this reunion. We dont always know the role we play in someone else's life. We are not always aware of the impact we can have, sometimes positive, sometimes negative...being in Malone, has a funny affect on me. It is "home" yet it isn't. Spent some of the best years of my life here and some of the worst years of my life here. I reckon as we age, we are looking for a place of peace where we can lie our head each night, we are looking for the company of those who know all our secrets and love us anyway, and we are looking for some quiet spot beneath a tree, or up on a hill, or next to a river, where we know resting there for eternity will be just fine. There are so many blessings God has given me, and while in 1981 I wanted to get as far away from Malone as I could, in 2011 I find myself yearning for the company of those who knew me then and still like me today. We are lucky really, growing up in a small town, on a whim and an hours notice you can have ten people and a cookout with vegetables you picked from the garden, family and friends, a comfortable chair to nap in, and some darn good deviled eggs to eat. That is a gift. While I could do the same thing in LA, except the fresh veggies from the garden, guess that makes me doubly blessed...I am bi-coastal with friends and family either way. I could leave LA, stay in Texas with Poopy Sister, head to Carolina to see Rosie, Michelle & Aaron, skip up tp NY see Jayne'T-across to Boston to see my Bug A Boo, come back to NY and rest my head oh so many places, best right here with Eileen though-she laughs at my foibles and cries at my mountains-yes, I have a wonderful life! And imagine, I am just getting started! It is exciting, imagining what adventures await me! First though, I have this HS reunion to attend-do you think it will be totally weird?

Where is summer?

This morning the air is chilly. Fall chilly, crisp ! I believe is the correct word. Yes, the air is crisp! Left LA and the temps were in the triple digits-arrived in Malone to 65 - 70. I know, I know, all my years in So Cal have made me soft...so be it. I have certainly been called worse! Plus I have all this weight I gained, it should better insulate my body. Despite the coLd I have been sitting in the yard where I saw a beautiful Oriole. Two nights ago a deer crossed the green on the twelfth hole of the golf course. I think he was playing through. And of course we cannot forget our furry four legged chipmunks. Chipmunks are every where, they do exactly what they please without regret or remorse. Humans should live this way, spendings summer collecting food and building shelter, then spend winter sleeping and eating. Winter in Northern NY is one heck of a cold place. Of course without that winter hot summer days would not be so special. I can admit to being a wuss- I do not like being cold, it is that simple. Two sweatshirts, fair socks and four layers of shirts will helpful. The cat that gave birth in the side shed, SHe is back; probably going to have more kittens. Kittens are cute, then they grow up, become aloof, never visit over the holidays, or hide when company comes...Most people are either cat people or dog people. It is OK to like both cats and dogs. Some dogs and cats like each other. Oh they know they are not suppose to, just when you like someone you like them. There is nothing wrong with that. As a society we sometimes get caught up in what is suppose to be. The status quo and that is it. Well why o we do that? We need a lot more acceptance in this world. The phrase "Teach Tolerance" I am not down with that idea. You tolerate a mammogram, or going to the dentist-when it comes to people we should not tolerate them...we should accept them. After all is it not our differences which make us strong. If everyone of us were bread makers, what would we eat with our bread? Realistically we could not make bread without dairy farmers, oven makers , bread pan makers, or. Ken keepers (do you use eggs in making bread?) you get my point though, right? I know I had a point in there somewhere-tolerating is not the same same as accepting. Should any segment of our human quilt be of less importance than the patch it is sewn next to? Of course not! We all know it. Yet, there are those who would have us believe we should be on bended knee in gratitude for they tolerate us-no, when we are all accepted then we should all be on bended knees thanking God!

Day 1

It is hard to believe a year has past, almost feels like I never left Malone from last summer. Just like last summer my first day has brought rain and thunderstorms. Now I realize North Country folks are sick of rain, I like The rain as we see so little of it in So Cal. Of course, NC weather changes rapidly- the sun is shining already, going to be a beautiful day! This whole Anthony acquittal has folks in an uproar! That mom, what is her name, Casey? Sounds like she got away with murder. I am not surprised. I have not follows the trial, it all was just so sad and twisted. It is difficult understanding how the prosecution could not remove reasonable doubt. From what I have read today this is why the jury acquitted her-not because she was innocent, more because the prosecution did not put on a solid case. It outrages us that is for sure. We are so much more cynical aren't we? Anytime a child goes missing or is found dead we jump to the conclusion the mom or dad did it. If a spouse is found dead, the other spouse is guilty! It is sad really, probably because it is true. Our society has made it easier to give up custody of your child than your dog yet some parents kill their children. You have to be sick, really demented to kill a child, but to kill your own child-that is beyond comprehension. The members of that jury are going to have to hide. Some loon out there will commit an act of stupidity as a means of showing their disgust regarding the verdict. I'm glad I wasn't on that jury- I could not have been, I would vote guilty no matter the evidence. That women killed her child either by commission or omission...either way she should be in jail the test of her life! What kind of life can she have anyway? Estranged from her family, killing her child, her face on every newspaper and magazine cover...I understand she likes to party, probably she will go dancing. She will have to move, color her hair, change her look-she will have to do something. I wonder what she is thinking? Relief because she really was innocent or does she feel invincible because she got away with murder? Either way, God knows the truth and I trust he will distribute justice for that little girl. Oh we live in disturbing times, some days I wonder why try? What is the point of doing the"right" thing when those who do so much wrong appear to have it all? Personally, it is faith which carries me. Faith, that when my time here on Earth is done I will go to heaven, be reunited with all my loved ones, live that eternal life of happiness. Time here on Earth is short as the blink of an eye-eternity is way longer! That phrase about it being easier to gain forgiveness than it is to gain permission...in a nutshell I believe many people live that way; "I will just do what I want, then on my deathbed give confession and I am forgiven, bingo off to heaven I go." Tempting isn't it? Just do whatever floats your boat regardless how wrong or immoral your behavior is, wait until the end, ask for forgiveness, and it's all good. The Buddhist belief that you keep coming back until you get it right, that sounds fair. Unless you are one sick SOB and mote time living provides you with more opportunity to be a real bad person. Who knows? These are questions many of us struggle with everyday. We live our lives doing the very best we can, we get the short end of the stick time after time-it can draw a person to finally throw in the towel! Why not? If our kindness, charity, loyalty bring us continued slaps in the face, then why bother? Well, bother bother because known
G right from wrong compels you to. Commit random, or deliberate acts of kindness because your kindness may effect a person making continued bad Choices- what you do as charity, or choose to do because it is the right thing to do, well your behavior may save a child's life. Offering your best could be the difference which in turn will save someone else from suffering. And when events throw us into incomprehensible rage, we must remain true to faith-we must continue clinging to those threads of hope, we must continue moving forward-because we never really know if our kind, moral, or generosity will save someone else incredible pain. Most likely we will never know, again faith is the key...when we can only see or feel the burdens, it is during these decision making times when choosing to do the "right" thing is most difficult and most easy-either way you look at it, someone out there, someone you may or may not know-well they are going to need you-so we have to find light in the dark of night-strength during times of weariness, hope during moments of despair...because there are many other babies born into circumstances and our choices may be the only chance they have for happiness. Doesn't matter what anyone tells me, I believe we are responsible for one another, as such we are responsible in serving to help and in doing the right thing because our behavior does impact so many other people-we are all connected, and the saying; "only as strong as your weakest link, well that is true. We have to help one another so our chain of humanity is so strong it can overcome all the desperate children who cry themselves to sleep each night.

Have you noticed?

Have you noticed, of late, the resurgence of television shows we grew up on - by "we" I mean the 40 - 50's but feel like 20 - 30's.  Today I saw a commercial for a new channel which airs shows like, The Waltons, Dr. Quinn, Cosby Show, Little House on The Prairie.  I thought it was interesting.  You can catch reruns of Golden Girls almost any time of the day or night.  Who's the Boss is often on.  Of course there are the SVU marathons, Criminal Mind marathons, etc.  Violence on television is everywhere - yet, I see a few more shows from the past and some new shows which bring family into the spotlight - the families look different, at least they are families.  Families do look different today, television should be reflective of that.  The Walton's was on the other day - I watched it, what a hoot.  How simple it all seemed.  That is what we are looking for, I think - I think we want simpler lives; empty that backpack (can't remember what movie that is from) Of late I have felt a tug to go home; even though Malone has changed it is still home and it still has much of its small town charm, comfort, security - I don't know - I guess, you know, people know you and they like you anyway.  Or maybe they don't but that gives the rest of us something to talk about :) Some days, life is heavy - and it is not big stuff.  Just working, shopping for groceries, kids have a game, recital, bible school, dinner needs to be cooked and reheated three times, a load of laundry - and then it is 9:00, your exhausted but you don't want to go to bed because then you haven't had any time to relax - so you stay up a little later than usual only to be tired the next day and realize you are going to do it all over again.  Throw a dead battery, flat tire, sick child, cranky boss - throw in any wrench and the day is really heavy.  So, I reckon the resurgence of some of these television shows is smart marketing, but marketing is about supply and demand - so there must be some people somewhere who looked around and decided we need to remember some of the simple things.  Family, faith, friends - This is what life comes down to.  This is what we yearn for, and this is what we work for.  Yet somehow we get to working so hard we forgot what we were working for - we thought it was the mortgage, the car payment, the vacation in Hawaii (OK, I want that one), the promotion; Then something, an event, a moment, a glimpse in our eye or a butterfly in our stomach, our stirring in our soul - reminds us - No matter how much we accumulate, stuff has no value - there is no joy in Hawaii if Shari was not there to see - It is family, faith, friends - July 7th I am heading home.  Spend the summer there - Ah, the joy of teaching! Counting the days.  Back among my family & friends, I carry my faith with me everywhere.  Television executives want to make money.  That's cool.  It was nice to hear "Goodnight John Boy."

Strength

Not often do the ailments of my body defy the strength of my mind. Once I set my mind to get something done, I do it. Yesterday I attempted a return to work. I did not expect it to be easy, I did expect I would make it one whole day... I was wrong! Mark that on your calendars! After a few hours I melted into a puddle of pain & confusion & anger. During times when my physical self is weak, my mental self overcomes. I lace them up and push through. Yesterday I could not summon the strength to push through. It is temporary. I will go back to work on Thursday & I will finish the school year! My Dr. Doesn't think I should, most who know me think this time I should let my body have it's way-rest, sit this one out. I don't know how to do that. Yes, I am regrouping so I can complete the final 12 days of school! However, for the this time I do so with less certainty I will prevail. Goodness this is a quandary. Of course it is going to challenge me. I must be up to that challenge. Inside of me there must exist a yet untapped reservoir of strength. It is this reservoir from which I will draw and thus prevail! While this is uncharted territory for me, that is just fine-I have never been one to take the main road. I prefer to meander. When we meander we often find the greatest of treasures! It is no great treasure I seek, just the physical strength to get through the last weeks of school. Ever since I was injured at work the incline has steepened; in response I have had to toughen up-until yesterday I was doing so. Again on Thursday I will start again and this time I will be stronger. On Thursday it is I who will overcome the weakness of my body. A challenge for sure, a challenge which I shall win! Our minds possess great power. We can endure and overcome any obstacle if we put our mind to it. There is nothing which, set before, which we cannot solve, overcome, get through...if we are willing to let go of fear and push through weakness. Think of me on Thursday; our collective positive energy will prevail! Knock me down I will get up, then I am likely to knock you down. I can do this! I will do this! This can be done!

Duct Tape

Yeah, this whole duct tape thing as really gotten to me.  As a child, I remember duct tape as a gray tape with string in it.  You could not rip it with your bare hands - you needed a knife.  There was duct tape in the garage, in the junk drawer, in the basement...duct tape held together pipes, broken rear view mirrors, doors, stairs - it could be used to hold your bicycle seat in place, or your handles on your handle bars - I reckon Daddy Pat used it for more practical purposes - to me it was just gray tape that could hold anything together. You bought it for $.99 at the local hardware store - Alex's or Ace is the place - or Collin's feed and grain.  Now if you want $.99 duct tape you go to the $.99 store and you get all these colors, or sea scape's, or flowers - there is no string in it, it just rips apart.  I don't reckon it could hold together anything.  It is used by students to make prom dresses (Shari said so). That is not the real duct tape though - cause the real duct tape cost $5.99 a roll.  The good stuff with the string in it which cannot be ripped with your bare hands.  The real stuff can hold a muffler to a car, or keep a hood from opening, or the handle on the oven door - colored duct tape will not hold the refrigerator door handle on the avocado green fridge; you can match the color but the tape won't hold up to 1,000 openings a day.  The screen door may look better if the tape matches, but it won't hold up to 4 kids running in and out all summer long.  Peace symbol duct tape is kumbya and all - however, it will not stop the cold air from coming in through the crack in the door.  This is a big issue; it is emblematic of what plagues our whole society - we want things to look pretty regardless of their durability.  It is better to look good than to feel good.  Do you know if you have one of those swipe credit cards there is a machine another person can use, just walk by you, scan your card, while it is in your wallet or purse and steal your card info - did you also know that duct tape will not also allow this to happen? That's right, duct tape without the seascape, can prevent credit card thievery! They sell aluminum wallets which will also deflect the scanning of your card - I don't think I want a scan credit card anyway, that seems to be asking someone to steal from me.  You can get a credit card on your cell phone.  Then you just open an app. and swipe your phone and pay for your purchases.  What if you lose your cell phone? Man you are in real trouble then.  See the advancement in duct tape is just the starting point for the deterioration of our security across many venues.  Good strong, gray duct tape can hold together anything - it might be what is needed to hold together our society.  We need to produce more things and we need more duct tape.  The real duct tape, with the string in it, that cannot be ripped with your bare hands.  We could throw some duct tape over the economy, fix it right up.  Betcha' our soldiers in Iraq could use some good ol'duct tape.  I bought a roll of the real duct tape - not liking to spend that kind of money, but a person needs a good roll of duct tape in their tool box.  Emily used it to guess what? She made wallets! Yep, that Em is bright - she was making duct tape wallets last year! However, to make duct tape wallets for middle school students, for that, use the $.99 duct tape.  Em tried to sell her wallets, unfortunately her middle school buddies are not as smart as she is.  Yes, I think the proliferation of pseudo duct tape is just a barometer for the downfall of our societal structure as a whole.  And the only thing to fix it is...You guessed it, good ol'fashion gray duct tape with the string in it that cannot be torn with your bare hands! Hah, that is it.  Look around you, look for duct tape - and look for the fake stuff; fake stuff is not going to do the trick.  No, what we need is tough stuff which will hold up to the rigors of the world today.  People too - People are too soft and mushy these days! Talk about your feelings, express your emotions, it is OK to fall apart - but don't count on gray duct tape to put you back together again, unless of course you go to an old fashion hardware store and buy yourself a roll of the good stuff.  Mommie and Chickie often said; "You get what you pay for." Good words to live by.  You get what you pay for and you get out what you put in.  So, if your life is in disarray go buy some duct tape - the real kind, which you are going to pay for, because you get what you pay for - tighten up your boot laces (duct tape can also hold the soles of your boots to the tops of your boots, especially in the winter) toughen up! Strap on some duct tape and get on with living in the here and now! Live in this moment, if something is broken fix it - yes, with duct tape silly! I need to go check how much duct tape I have left on the roll - I have a lot of things to fix.

College Sports

It being the end of the college year, there are a multitude of championships taking place.  I found Watching the Women's Softball Super Regionals refreshing. These women will not become professional softball players.  They will not be recruited by agents or pro teams.  What they are playing for is the moment, their teammates, and their schools.  How refreshing to know they are not compromised by the flash of money or future fame.  Jim Tressell was forced to resign from Ohio State - his sweater vest torn to shreds one thread at a time by his arrogance.  Sports pundits say he is a great coach.  I even heard his legacy is not tarnished by the culture he allowed among his football program.  The college sports which have the potential for its athletes to go pro for millions of dollars, well they are ripe for the picking.  One would be naive to think players on Division IA schools are not receiving academic assistance, financial assistance, or both.  College sports have become minor league training programs for pro-football and pro-baseball.  If you are an excellent football player, if you have been touted and recruited since you were in middle school - your sense of entitlement is understandable.  It is sad that these young men lose the joy of playing for a team; most of these young men are playing for a big payday when they turn pro.  It is refreshing watching college sports programs when the players are going to become professionals in the academic field they studied not the sports they played.  I would feel bad for the athlete who knows if the cards fall in the right places they will become overnight millionaires.  Shame on the alumni of universities who participate and promote athletes in the direction of cheating. How sad their lives are that they insinuate their money into the lives of college athletes as a means to retain a bit of the magic of those college years.  Some believe paying college athletes is the answer - are they not already getting paid - 4 years of college at a major university; that costs some $$$$. Isn't that enough? The tears shed by the women on losing softball teams this weekend were genuine.  The pain of losing was real.  For senior players that was it - their last game, the last time they put on their uniform - the last time they were representing their university.  Sure most will continue playing rec softball, there are some fast pitch leagues during the summer months they could participate in - not live on, just participate in.  Lacrosse has a pro-league - it isn't enough to live on but college lacrosse players could move on to that league...most won't.  Only an elite few could make enough money playing professional lacrosse - College basketball players admit they are only going to university for one or two years then they will enter the NBA draft.  I don't believe I would want that player on my team, no matter how good he was.  I would rather have the scrappy over achieving kid who will commit to four years, the kid who is not going to be a professional ball player, the kid who is playing for the team - the kid who beams every time he puts on his jersey.  This is the kid I want on my team.  It doesn't work that way though.  Big time college coaches need to win, and they need to win today - so they bend over backwards recruiting the "best" athletes for their programs.  That is sad.  And how they rattle the cages when a kid says; "No thanks, I want to stay in college." Why that kid is just plain crazy - giving up millions of dollars to stay in college.  I wish I had stayed in college - college years are the best; you are independent yet you live in this cocoon.  How amazing is that! I wish I was still in college - Now when I was in college I could not wait to get out! Oh, I believed so much in having my own place, a car, a job - you know being a grown up.  30 years of being a grown up has taught me it isn't all its cracked up to be.  Pete Carroll jumped ship at USC because he saw the writing on the wall.  All the years of corner cutting were about to catch up with him.  Tressel must have thought his sweater vest was made of Teflon and nothing was going to stick to him.  As a society we want our children to read when they are two, start school when they are four, start taking standardized tests when they are six - my goodness what is the point? Let children have their childhoods.  No way a 7th grade student should be contacted by a university - what does a 7th grader know about what college he/she wants to attend? a 7th grader is worried about acne, being with the "in" group, and who to sit with during lunch.  Shame on parents who don't hang up the phone on these recruiters! There are a lot of years of being a grown up and so few years of childhood.  If you live to be 80 you will work for 60 years and be free of responsibility for maybe 20.  You do the math - really do the math because I stink at math - all I know is that 60 years of working is a lot more than 20 years of playing.  Let children be children.  Turn off the television, get rid of the video games and cell phones - Oh, I know, everyone has one and everyone does it so we mus all be sheep and follow the herd right to the slaughter - that makes sense! What happened to being outside when the sun came up and being on the porch before the street lights came on - or darkness - what happened to making secret clubhouses and forts - what happened to playing hospscotch? I guess I am just a silly minded person, but I still believe children should be sheltered from violent video games, and suggestive television shows.  I still believe a game of hide N seek is more fun than some death match four video game.  I reckon this is why I like the fair, or an amusement park - an adult screaming on a roller coaster is a beautiful sound, while the kid sitting next to him is just laughing.  We all need to retain a little bit of freedom from being grown up - some days we need a lot of relief from being a grown up - at the very least we need to take a good hard look at how we are raising our children - can't we just let them "play" because playing is fun - instead of "play" becoming practice - practice is not playing.  Oh if only wishing could make it all come true.

Square One

So after 22 days in the hospital - having undergone every test known to mankind...been poked and prodded by specialist after specialist...undergone a hideous brain operation I sit here tonight right back where I started - in pain, exhausted, dazed and confused - Neurosurgeon has done his work; it didn't work or fix what is ailing me - However, he is a cutter and his cutting is done.  What he removed the andonema/cyst, didn't fix anything - good to have it done, needed to have it done - eventually it would have caused problems of its own.  I am deflated.  Would have rather they found a big old brain tumor which they could remove.  Then I could heal.  Then I could move on with my life.  It is in the patent's bill of rights - every patient is entitled to a diagnosis, course of treatment options, and a prognosis - My rights have been violated.  The doctors who treated me use words like enigma, anomaly, medical mystery - Even suggested I go on that mystery diagnosis television show - Poopy said it best; "That is why they call it practicing medicine." They are practicing, I am the practice court with the ball bouncing all over me.  Please forgive me this night of frustration; As I continue to feel worse, as I continue to wonder "What the hell is going on?" As of right this moment what I know for certain is that God believes in me, God loves me...God has always provided for me.  He has always brought me the gifts of love, friendships, strength, humility, family, and one stubborn mentality.  For certainty I know I am loved by so many people - I know for certainty I am loved.  OK, I know for certainty that on this night I am frustrated.  Oh, and this will pass - Tomorrow the sun is going to come up, and despite how I feel right now, tomorrow is going to be better - I will find a way to get to the next step, then lift my bad old leg and I will get up that step.  I don't know what's up there - I do know I will take that step! It is difficult to comprehend how very much scientist can do - the amazing feats of doctors, science, medicine - I hear enigma, anomaly, mystery; believe Lisa, keep believing.  My glass is overflowing, there is a reason for all of this.  Reckon I would rather God told me what it was - that is not his plan...Don't know his plan, I trust him though.  I trust him without question, without doubt, without any reservations.  It is to him I give myself completely.  It is in his hands I rest.  Tonight's frustration will pass.  I still have a paper to write (gosh that paper is heavy) Just get R done goofy! I am looking forward to celebrating my 30 year high school reunion.  FB has brought the class of 81' back! I am looking forward to seeing people I have not seen in, well, in 30 years - that should be cool.  Then a week with my family in the beautiful mountains of North Carolina Mountains.  That is going to be great!  My nephew is going to teach me how to drive a boat - I don't know how, cool - cross it off my bucket list; well, first I added it to my bucket list, then I will cross it off my bucket list.  I enjoy spending time with Rosie, Herbie, Maggie, and Patrick - Poopy and Jessica will be there - Oh, goodness how great will that be? And I am going to see Bug A Boo and meet her husband, finally! Spend some time with them.  All of these wonderful things I have to look forward to - silly me, being frustrated or deflated - waste of my time.  Obviously, the doctors "practicing" on me need more practice - then the next person who comes along will not have to be "practiced" on quite so much - perhaps their quest for treatment will become much easier.  Hey somebody has to jump in the pool first, you know test the waters.  Too bad I wasn't more photogenic, that would increase the chances of getting on Mystery Diagnosis - Though, tell me, if your doctor is suggesting you go on a reality TV show, wouldn't that make you a bit nervous - Nah, wait, YES! Yes, it makes me a bit nervous.  My dear friend Lynn drove me to the doctors today - rush hour traffic on a Thursday - there she was picking me up and bringing me home, giving me a hug when I could not hold back my tears.  See, a gift right there, right then! They (doctors) may never find out what is causing me to be sick.  Maybe I will have to wait until I am sitting at his table before I know what exactly, within my body, did me in - So I have to wait, Waiting is not my best skill, Oh well, what'cha gonna do.  I am going to watch Syracuse win the Div IA Lacrosse championships this weekend, finish my paper - make a dish of macaroni salad - it is one of my specialities.  I can't tell you the secret ingredient, trust me though, my Mac salad kicks butt! Oh with some Glaziers hot dogs - MMMMMM! Say a prayer tonight for all those who lost so much during the hurricanes, tornadoes, flooding etc.  Say a prayer for those who lost their lives, and for those who survived - we, the survivors, we hurt more for those called home are so blessed.  When we mourn, it is for ourselves, for the hole in our own hearts - and we pay tribute and pay our respects by getting up and living fully! Crying tears changes nothing - they will flow, just don't make puddles with the tears! Make a pool and go swimming! Tired though, now I am, emotional ups and downs do make us seek sleep - off in that direction.  Thank you to each of you who take the time to read my silly words and idle meandering thoughts - knowing someone reads makes me feel good - Ya' just never know when the choice you make will make a difference in someone else's life; don't be afraid to reach out, reach up, reach back - Don't be afraid! Tomorrow is going to be a great day (I've got to finish that paper) Y'all have a great day or night, depending on when you read this - know I love you, even if I don't know you and you randomly googled your way onto this blog - you anonymous reader, yes you too I love - now go forth and commit an act of kindness, say a prayer of thanks - raise your voice in praise to God, chuckle - skip, buy a fudgicle or an ice cream on a stick (but don't touch the wooden handle) Night!

Reflecting

So, after I earned my Masters Degree - Actually, about 15 years ago I completed all the coursework for a Masters Degree.  One small snafu; prior to graduating there was a form and a $35 fee which needed completing - I did not know that, so I did not fill it out.  Hence I could not receive the degree for which I had completed the coursework.  Oh, I protested.  I contacted everyone I knew at the university.  My advisor wrote letters.  No go! Instead the university required completion of an additional five classes.  I declined.  This is a time when being stubborn was not to my advantage.  Most often being stubborn has served me well.  Having a stubborn streak gets you up when you feel like staying down.  15 years later, I "walked" across a stage, they handed me a nice degree holder, and #1 on my bucket list was crossed off.  It felt good.  I had to let go of my self-loathing for allowing all the years to pass.  I left it on that stage.  Now, on to #2 on my bucket list.  That darned motorcycle license.  Not that I plan on getting a bike and riding across the country.  I enjoy riding a motorcycle.  Riding or driving, either is OK with me.  Frank takes me riding with him.  Really, I would like a little scooter to scoot about on.  I also want to go to Boston and visit my Bug A Boo; meet her husband and catch a Red Sox game.  Heck, they (the Sox) might even lose.  I would like to revisit Cape Cod.  Many fond memories there.  A cruise is on my list.  A short cruise, I don't know about being on a ship and not seeing land - start small.  We did a lot of celebrating these past few days.  Poopy flew in from Dallas.  Liz, Emily, Donald, & Shelly came to the ceremony.  On Saturday, Annalee, Lynn A., Lynn B., The Billster, Jessica, Donald, Suzanne, Chris, Tony, Liz, Emily  & Poopy went to my favorite restaurant - Gladstones in Malibu.  We celebrated again.  Gladstones has changed.  No more peanut shells on the floor.  All fancy now.  Last time I was there parking was $2.00, now it is $6.00.  Guess I haven't been there in a while.  Can't imagine how parking spaces could have appreciated so much.  They are not any bigger than they use to be.  They are not covered.  Same old spaces costing $4.00 more.  How silly is that? It is similar to gas prices.  On the way to work it cost $4.18, on the way home it is $.4.25.  How could the price of gas already in the stores tanks become more expensive? It makes no sense.  Waiting 15 years to complete my masters made no sense.  You know what makes no sense - worker's compensation! This my friends is a system befuddling the greatest minds on Earth! I was injured at work.  I was doing my job.  I was injured.  That was almost  four years ago.  My leg is still injured.  It is worse.  Other body parts are now injured.  All the compensating for my right leg has caused injuries to, well, practically the rest of my body in its entirety.  The WC company could have fixed my leg three years ago, been done and gone by now.  Last Monday I had a psychiatric evaluation.  5 hours of interview followed by standardized tests.  One test was 567 questions.  Not 55o or 575, 567 questions - does that make any sense? One test was two hundred questions.  Do you prefer gophers or skunks? Given last summers gopher catastrophe, well, I owe gophers one.  Do you think that response will tip the scales for or against me? Since I was injured I am not the same person.  Losing the ability to participate in athletic activities was a huge loss.  I do what I can.  Sometimes I do more than I should - suffer for it later - that's is the price I pay.  Some suit somewhere, what price is he paying? Oh, I know, none.  I am merely a number they wish they could erase.  That is their plan, I think so anyway - drag it out figuring I will just give in.  My leg is busted and it should be fixed.  When you can't work you don't make money, and that causes stress, and stress makes lupus more active, and you sit around a lot and feel useless and lonely - you change.  Change is not necessarily a good or bad thing.(though a lot of the changes happening are not good) Some changes are good.  A lot of time spent reflecting.  Determining what I want to be when I grow up.  Trying to figure out what I am going to do with my life.  What direction is the wind going to blow me or should I grab the rudder and steer? I don't know.  Seems a lot more questions are around my head than answers.  I am proud of myself for sticking it out and completing my degree.  22 days in the hospital, brain surgery, leg injured, any of those could have been excuses to quit.  I chose to find reasons to succeed.  Reckon I need to do that now - as I reflect - I need to find the reasons to succeed.  I need to find my true north and head in that direction.  Not with a GPS or an App from my iPhone - need to use that compass God gave me.  I just need to get some business done.  Finish my thesis paper and this workers comp issue - then, well then, shoot I don't know.  I guess I will have to stop reflecting and start walking.  I am lucky though because I have so many places I can walk to.  I am loved by so many people - I can pick any direction and head that way, before too long I'll bump into someone who loves me.  That my friends is such a gift.  Brings me peace and gives me strength.  Yes, this is a time of transition - crossing number 1 off the list - change is coming - wonder what it will bring.  How exciting! Y'all will come with me right? We'll start this next phase of growing up together.  Let's just see where it takes us -