When It Happens...

I have read every book I could find on rape and incest. In one book an 89 year old nun said no matter how much time had past there were still moments "when it happen." You don't know when, but you know it will. This women who had given her life in service to God, who spoke of forgiveness and healing -for her, as for any survivor there are moments when you just lose it. Flashbacks which remove you from who you are today and push you back to who you were back then. It can be a smell, a sound, a sight, a scene in a movie...it can be most anything - you never know and you have no control over it. Sometimes you lose time, or just curl up in a ball and cry. Sometimesbyou push through, using coping strategies you have taught yourself. If it were possible to "just get over it" we would all make that choice. We see it in our soldiers when they return from combat. For those most impacted by 9/11, they too cannot just get over it. Inhave a student who saw her father kill her mother, she was 6 years old - shall we tell her to just get over it? When it happens, when something triggers a flashback, it might be hours, days, months, years, or maybe never...you just dontbget over some things. At best you push them back into their boxes and you go about living the life you have made. You remember who you are today, you remember all that is good and right with your life. You engage in any activity which might push away the sensations, the tears, the fear, the pain! I reckon you do whatever it takes. When it happens you may cry for no apparent reason, you may cling to those you love so tight - and they don't quite understand...I write, I write these words and with each letter printed I can come closer, back to the me I am today. I feel bad because I am not quite the sarcastic Sally who cracks jokes and points out the absurdities in life which are just funny. But this is my therapy, my emergence from the damaged and scarred little girl back to the just plain crazy me. And I know there are millions of other people who have those "When it happens" moments - and perhaps one of them will stumble upon this silly blog and know they are not alone, and just maybe that will comfort or help them. And maybe if I find the right words I can get out of this dark tunnel and back to the person whom joyously celebrates every moment of everyday...because I know how blessed and loved I truly am. I know there are people who love me so much they would take this gut wrenching pain and feel it themselves to spare me when it happens. So please stay tuned, for I will get out of this tunnel...Mommie use to say the more you cry the less you pee, I have no idea what that means, I just figure it must be a good thing so I'll go with that!