Around 1:30 this morning while sitting on the front porch I listened to a beautiful bird singing his heart out. His song was mesmerizing. I wish I knew the words so I could have sung along. As I sit here today, there are hundreds of birds all singing. I don't know the words to any of their songs either. Thus, I listen.
Many times when Zuko is dancing, wagging his tail, jumping up on my chest I say to him;
"Zuko, use your words."
I wish he could. Our bonds with our pets, they are so strong, yet there are so many times we just don't know what they are trying to tell us.
Last month when I was in the hospital I felt the same way. Drifting in and out of consciousness - there were times when I believed I had a choice; I could have just let go. I could have stopped fighting. If I stopped fighting then perhaps I would have gone home. It isn't in us to stop fighting. The human spirit is so resilient. Our will to survive surpasses anything else.
Yesterday I wrote a suicide note. Such was my despair I wish I had not fought so hard. I wished I had let go and let God. Worry not, I can't commit suicide - I believe in heaven and I have to get there because that is where Mommie and Little Gram are.
I wonder what happens if I did all of this surviving and my belief in heaven was only years of Catholic school and kneeling in church. What then? Gosh, what if all that is not true. Those nuns beating us with their rulers so we could be good boys and girls. So we would be children of God. So we could go to heaven.
Life has so many mountains, turns and twists. Some days, each of us may feel - this is just too much. Even the happy morning person has rotten days.
We get sick. Loved ones pass away. As we get older, our own mortality creeps into our thoughts. We witness the depravity of some. The evil of others. We shake our heads in disbelief as we watch CNN or MSNBC. At some point nothing shocks us. It may horrify us, but shock us - living is this minute by minute televised, computerized, cell phonized (I made that word up) the worst of humanity is in our face.
We have to make a conscious choice to find goodness, kindness, something beautiful. We have to pay it forward. In this world, in your world, in my world - we have to believe we can make a difference - because if we can't? What then?
A very dear friend tells me her favorite word is hope. Lying in bed at night we hope for a better tomorrow. Then we get up and we make it a better tomorrow. Nothing happens if we don't roll up our sleeves and get the work done.
I sit here on the front porch hour after hour after hour - wondering about "What Then" and "Hope." Will my soul filled with hope be enough for the what then? Will anybodys'? My friend is pretty smart. I am betting on her Hope.
What then? Hell, I don't know. I am focused on right now. Make it through this one day. Really, we can't even begin to control what then? The shit just pops up and like a 2x4 crushes us in the face.
Reckon, our will to survive gets us through triage. Our faith helps us see a tomorrow. Love lets us believe in better times. Hope feeds our soul.
I really don't want my life to end without it having had some significance. We don't get a do over. I just want to be meaningful. Once upon a time when I was a teacher I felt every day was meaningful. Children do that. They look at you with innocent eyes and follow your every lead. I miss teaching. I do lv2rt, but I am a teacher.
Don't know what prompted me to write today - it has been so long...last night listening to that bird; perhaps I understood just enough of what he was singing.
