This is life

The sight of a newborn baby, held in her mother's arms. Sunshine reflection on the water as you drift aboard a boat. The feeling in the pit of your stomach when you see the person you are in love with. And who dosnt appreciate a rainbow after a thunderous storm rolls out. Being needed, and being able to meet that need. The feeling of want, accompanied with a plan to "make it happen." the sound of a babbling brook or the roar of a waterfall. Spending time with family and friends. Eating tomatoes from the garden. The wind blowing in your face as you cruise on a motorcycle (despite what June says. Crackling logs from your campfire accompanied by toasting the perfect marshmallow. Someday when all the lights on main street are green. Watching birds, squirrels, & chipmunks take their turn at the feeder. The wide-eyed wonderment the first step a baby takes, before he falls when he realized he wea walking on his own. There are Many good,decent human beings on this Earth. Just don't watch the news or read the paper-happy ending seldom make it to the paper. Of course life has another side-skinned knees, broken hearts, broken bones, the passing of someone we love. No, life is not for the weak! However, we are much stronger than we believe. We have family & friends to lean on. We do not have to walk alone. Manta times we have felt "if they only knew the truth, they wouldn't like me." ya know that probably isnt true. I have true ships which have suvevd 48 years of this living business. In my darkest hour someone who loved me was with me. Waking up every morning is my present which God has given me. I can't waste a precious gift God has given me. Even on those days when I am wearing a hideous plaid sweater to my aubt's house because she gave it to me, even on those days I cannot waste a moment. Moments become minutes and minutes become years-and you get to wondering where did thebtime go? Well, I reckon it went into your life...the good and the bad, the light and the darkness. Yes, this is life. Isn't it amazing how hummingbirds flap their wings so fast, yet remain perfectly still? Oh how we need to turn off the news, be silent within our souls & listen to our inner voice. Just slow down a wee bit to enjoy the scent of an orange grove, A child's laughter, lightening bugs on a warm summer night-soak in all the joy of fresh cur grass, gentle breezes, or our dog waiting for us at the door. Life is not all cupcakes and hot sausages from the fair. Responsibilities have to be met. Obligations need filling. The world is in quite a mess, we can choose to labor over that which we will never change or accept it and move. The human spirit is wondrous! Nit knowing if today is the last day, we must live as if it were! For all the pain, the hurt, the struggles, for all of those close your eyes I don't want to look moments, there are even yet a million more jaw dropping, take your breath away, tears of joy and laughing until you cry moments. These are what we get by on. Wasting any piece of your pie, now that would be a darn shame. You cannot change what happens to you or around you-but you can change how you receive life & how you choose to react to challenges. It is not always easy, but Mommie always said plant your own garden and water it often. (the water part might have to with cocktails-nothing wrong with that," we must go out, be silent, follow our hearts, ignore ignorance, and advocate for longer weekends!

Sisters

As with any family, some bond are closer than others...hoever the bond between sisters is the srongest. Sisters will fight and they will make io. Sisters will speak their truth, and you will listen. When all your cards are gone it is your sisters who replenish your deck. I have a biological sister I have not seen in 20 years or so. Once every few years I seal with her on the telephone; that is by sheer coincidence. As much asnit pains me, all I can do is respect her desire and move forward. I do not know my niece and nephew. They are grown, one in college the other in HS. That is sad. There was a time when the two of us were all we had, so we took care of one another. Then one day she was gone and that ws that. She didn't look back, and as she grew older she did not want to repair and rebuild our relationship. And for as many nights I cried myself to sleep, wondering what I had done, what was so awful in me that she would just leave and never come back. God does provide for in place of the one sister I lost I was given 3 more (Eileen counts in my book). Through the years we have all known happiness and we have all known pain. Together we buried our parents and to brothers. I do not believe any other relationship is quite like that of sisters-though we disagree, or we don't approve, in the end we are there for one another. We love one another the best way we know how. What our sisters offer us may not be what we want, but we take it anyway-there is an unconditional guarantee which comes with sisterhood. We may not want any part of ourmsiblings lives, yet we are there with them.
I spent this past week with two of my sisters. Rosie, our hostess did everything she coils so we would have a food time. and we did have a good time! Even if we had done nothing I thinknwe would still remember this as the summer of healing. Over the past week some ghosts were let go. It was a wonderful week! Life throws us so curve balls you need a sister to help you hold the bat, ot tell when to dunk. And when we are making the worst possible life choice it Is our aiatwrtrailing behind us, picking up the pieces of us so we can get put back together again. We fight, don't speak one another, we we will never speak to"hher" again, yet we always do. It takes some work, and it takes time...I believe we are on the right path. I pray we are. We are all getting of ages when every moment is a precious gifts, thus we have no time to waste on what happened twenty years ago. This is our time to be together as family and friends. As we continue on our life's journey it is great a great comfort having these remarkable women to all my sisters. One door was closed, many other doors opened. Evey day one of my gives me a gift, as small a phone call or as big as a phone call. I know I will never be hungry or homeless, I will not be alone, one of my siaters will rescue me from a disater I created. Not a one of us is perfect, together we are perfection.

Past The Sleeping Point

You know how sometimes you are so tired because you couldn't go to sleep when you were ready to go to sleep-well that is me. Since I cannot sleep I figured I would tell y'all about the first night of my 30 year class reunion. First, I really did not recognize many people. Here and there someone would come in, but for the most part I had to ask people's name. I was at the check in table handing out raffle tickets-gave me an advantage because I could sneak a peak at the list - There was a group of us who attended 1st grade through 5th grade. Bishop Smith alumni and Franklin Academy alumni. That does not happen much any more. Many of the "crew" I hung out with in HS were there. That was cool! Can't say I remembered a lot of others. 30 years not seeing a person makes it difficult to remember...really it does. Funny I was at that check in table, gave people their raffle tickets and an explanation regarding the drawing for door prizes and no one asked my name. The people I wanted to see, they recognized me or I them. My cousin June, who lives here in Malone, many people think I am her, so I did receive several hello Junes. It was nice seeing Laura, Linda, Gail, Bernadine. Good to catch up on 30 years of life. Sharing stories, who has children, or grandchildren. Who was married, divorced, what people had done in 30 years. A lot more gray hair, or less hair, some chunky HS students now skinny and vise versa. As the evening wore on, from my vantage point, I could observe peoples' facial expressions or hear them laugh, then I could remember a few more people. Bernadine commented it was because I was so quiet that people did not remember me. That was good to know-my "be invisible" plan had in fact been effective! It was nice watching folks light up when they recognized someone. Guess that is why people attend reunions. Unfortunately I ran out of steam so I did not do much mingling. Which was as it should have been. Reunions, OK so this was my first, in general though, people clustered the same way as they had in HS. A lot of our classmates have passed on...17 or something like that. Seems like a lot considering there were 286 students in our graduating class. Overall I would give the experience a B. Seeing HS friends was cool, we could sort of pick up just like it was yesterday. Some folks who I have connected with via FB, it was nice sharing a hug. Tomorrow is buffet dinner & a band at the country club. People will be more at ease. As for me, those who were my friends, have always been my friends, so seeing them was grand. Life keeps going, people change-not as much as you would think. That is kinda funny-some things never change. Whether that is good or bad...well I just don't figure that matters. It is as it is. I am
glad I went. So for me it was what it was, & that is that. Now maybe I can get some sleep.
That would be nice!

Class reunion

Tonight is the first gathering of my graduating class of which I have attended. It has been 30 years since I have seen most of these folks. Reckon I could say it has been longer than that. I don't remember if I attended my HS graduation. No one remembers. Daddy Pat died on May 23, 1981. Graduation was on June 23, 1981. It was A Sunday. The busiest day of the week at Tony's. I was also headed to Plattsburgh for the beginning of EOP. 6 weeks on the college campus taking classes and preparing to be a college freshman. I remember Daddy Larry was taking me there because, like I said, a Sunday in June was a busy day at Tony's so there was no way Mommie could take me. Tonight Eileen and I will head up to Mo's and reunite with some of our fellow graduates. HS was not an easy time for me. If it wasn't for sports I would have quit HS. We had Tony's to run. Daddy Pat had been sick on and off for years, Rosie was off to college, Linda had left by then, and Aldona Mae was still so young. Mommie would not let me quit HS. It would have been easier, I could have been more help running the bar. As it was I would stay up until closing, then get up at 6:00 to catch the bus. Mrs. Brixius drove the bus. She was such a wonderful lady. Always smiling, always greeted every child by name. Made those cold winter mornings just more bearable. HS years are akward for most folks. It was a daily balancing act- trying to stretch independence while wanting to avoid responsibility. That was a tough challenge. Participating in sports kept me going to school. I did not take one book home when i was in HS. I would not have done the homework so I saw no reason lugging the books around. I don't know how it will feel tonight. Not a one of us is the same person we were 30 years ago. Eileen and I volunteered to do jobs, it is our protective shield against our awkward social phobias. I am not a timid little girl afraid of everyone. I think tonight should be fun. Suppose it will be what we make of it. Just the same, 30 years of living-that changes everyone, so it will be interesting, finding out the events of people's lives. I don't know why I feel so nervous...how silly of me. There are many a folk I am looking forward to seeing. I will let y'all now how it turns out! Don't hold breath until then, you will pass out.

Sometimes you want to go...

It is like the theme song from cheers-sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name and their always glad you came...I am so blessed because I can do this in LA then I can come to Malone and do the same thing....Wednesday night at the Trailside is horse shoe night. Not everyone plays, we all show up;the locals and the "Summer People.". Being from Malone I am a tweener; just like the Trailside itself, I am in between being a local and being a summer person. This is my second summer spent in Malone, tonight the first night of horseshoes. I'll tell ya it was so wonderful to see everyone-and that they remembered me, or had heard about my health challenges, and when they asked how I was doing, they really wanted to know. We have lost so much of our sense of community...cities grow larger, families move where there is work, we end up spread all around this wonderful country-then come summer, a group of people reunite. The year has gone by and there you are, chatting with friends. You share stories about your year, who had babies, who got married, who went to their final restindg place- and in all of it, sitting there both tired and cold such a peace filled me. You can go home again; our families are not only those people bound by blood-our families are people bound by love. At the Trailside I have met people who are so kind, so open, so accepting - I have friendships. Isn't that amazing? This world is so large, people are so busy-times have been tough...however, on Wednesday nights you can head up to the Trailside, know who you are going to see, and pick up conversations as if the winter months never occurred! When I return to LA I feel I am at home, and when I come to Malone I know I am at home. The kindness of other's so humbles me-that Izzy would take the time to read the silly ramblings of my blog-this knowledge just pulled my heartstrings. When we begin to give share our humanity we need to break it down-yes, there are people who choose horrendous behaviors, yes we get hurt, we get knocked down, and our bodies betray our spirits-what we once could do, well we just can't do those things anymore. So we reinvent ourselves. We adapt, we overcome, we look to one another for support..and in those moments, moments like this evening when the kindness of someone's words or actions touches the very core of our heart, it is how we build a reservoir of strength, cause that winter will be coming-time and responsibilities will send us off in different directions-and we will start counting the days until it is horseshoe night at the Trailside.
Growing up I often wondered why Mommie so wanted to own a bar/restaurant. It wasn't until I was much older that I could understand; Mommie loved people, she loved to give of herself, and she wanted to create a place where everyone would know your name. I don't know what plan God has for me(believe me I have asked many a times over the past few months!) I pray I make it
for another summer in Malone, and I pray I see my friends at the Trailside come horseshoe
night. I hope it is in my deck of cards, in everyone's deck of cards...we will climb
mountains and cross valleys, having a Wednesday night amongst friends-that might just be the
little extra gas in our tank which keeps us moving-movement is life. However the futures plays out, the peace I felt this evening is beyond any words I could write-it is a feeling I wish for everyone because it is so wondrous! Some may say all of this is silly. That is all right
I have been called worse! The faster life gets to spinning us the more we need a time slower-downer(is that a word?) Oh, I reckon many people would say I am just looking through rose colored glasses (what are rose colored glasses?) if given the choice, shouldn't all of us view the world with such magical glasses? We do get to choose. In and of itself, the power of choice allows each of us to search and to find a family around a horse shoe pit. That is pretty darn cool!

What is beautiful?

So this weekend is our 30th high school reunion. We pulled out the yearbook, you know, looking at the people and such- wondering how many people might still look like they did 30 years ago. I don't reckon many of us look like we did 30 years ago! In 30 years a lot of life happens-and all that life changes us, not just emotionally, but physically. Most of us will wear more lines on our faces, laugh lines, worry lines, just plum wore out lines, many of us will wear scars, some visible, some not- many people will be complete transformations from the ackward teenagers we were in 1981-and some will have lost the confidence of their youth, perhaps becoming awkward adults...yup, a lot happens in 30 years. I have not attended a HS reunion, née erase a reason to. Then FB came along, and I began to make connections with people from HS, and then I wanted to see those people. Now I don't know if the whole thing will just be a boring waste of time; though I don't believe it will. During my recent health battles many of my '81 classmates sent me cards or good thoughts and this really touched me. In HS I imagined myself a ghost, walking the halls of FA invisible to the majority. That wasn't so true after all. Some folks actually knew who I was and they remembered me. Had actual memories of me. I was shocked by this. Being invisible was my secret weapon, turns out I was not invisible and I did not need a secret weapon. One person who will not beat our reunion is Ted Dufrane. Ted and I had a very special bond. Soul mates, we were soul mates we loved one another and we had big plans and big dreams- we were either going to change the world or find someplace where no one could find us. Then life happened and I went off to college and Ted joined the Air Force-we did meet again, then a simple twist of fate seperates us. Ted passed away, I was not able to tell him how his presences in my life made my life have so much more meaning. Perhaps this is why I wanted to attend this reunion. We dont always know the role we play in someone else's life. We are not always aware of the impact we can have, sometimes positive, sometimes negative...being in Malone, has a funny affect on me. It is "home" yet it isn't. Spent some of the best years of my life here and some of the worst years of my life here. I reckon as we age, we are looking for a place of peace where we can lie our head each night, we are looking for the company of those who know all our secrets and love us anyway, and we are looking for some quiet spot beneath a tree, or up on a hill, or next to a river, where we know resting there for eternity will be just fine. There are so many blessings God has given me, and while in 1981 I wanted to get as far away from Malone as I could, in 2011 I find myself yearning for the company of those who knew me then and still like me today. We are lucky really, growing up in a small town, on a whim and an hours notice you can have ten people and a cookout with vegetables you picked from the garden, family and friends, a comfortable chair to nap in, and some darn good deviled eggs to eat. That is a gift. While I could do the same thing in LA, except the fresh veggies from the garden, guess that makes me doubly blessed...I am bi-coastal with friends and family either way. I could leave LA, stay in Texas with Poopy Sister, head to Carolina to see Rosie, Michelle & Aaron, skip up tp NY see Jayne'T-across to Boston to see my Bug A Boo, come back to NY and rest my head oh so many places, best right here with Eileen though-she laughs at my foibles and cries at my mountains-yes, I have a wonderful life! And imagine, I am just getting started! It is exciting, imagining what adventures await me! First though, I have this HS reunion to attend-do you think it will be totally weird?

Where is summer?

This morning the air is chilly. Fall chilly, crisp ! I believe is the correct word. Yes, the air is crisp! Left LA and the temps were in the triple digits-arrived in Malone to 65 - 70. I know, I know, all my years in So Cal have made me soft...so be it. I have certainly been called worse! Plus I have all this weight I gained, it should better insulate my body. Despite the coLd I have been sitting in the yard where I saw a beautiful Oriole. Two nights ago a deer crossed the green on the twelfth hole of the golf course. I think he was playing through. And of course we cannot forget our furry four legged chipmunks. Chipmunks are every where, they do exactly what they please without regret or remorse. Humans should live this way, spendings summer collecting food and building shelter, then spend winter sleeping and eating. Winter in Northern NY is one heck of a cold place. Of course without that winter hot summer days would not be so special. I can admit to being a wuss- I do not like being cold, it is that simple. Two sweatshirts, fair socks and four layers of shirts will helpful. The cat that gave birth in the side shed, SHe is back; probably going to have more kittens. Kittens are cute, then they grow up, become aloof, never visit over the holidays, or hide when company comes...Most people are either cat people or dog people. It is OK to like both cats and dogs. Some dogs and cats like each other. Oh they know they are not suppose to, just when you like someone you like them. There is nothing wrong with that. As a society we sometimes get caught up in what is suppose to be. The status quo and that is it. Well why o we do that? We need a lot more acceptance in this world. The phrase "Teach Tolerance" I am not down with that idea. You tolerate a mammogram, or going to the dentist-when it comes to people we should not tolerate them...we should accept them. After all is it not our differences which make us strong. If everyone of us were bread makers, what would we eat with our bread? Realistically we could not make bread without dairy farmers, oven makers , bread pan makers, or. Ken keepers (do you use eggs in making bread?) you get my point though, right? I know I had a point in there somewhere-tolerating is not the same same as accepting. Should any segment of our human quilt be of less importance than the patch it is sewn next to? Of course not! We all know it. Yet, there are those who would have us believe we should be on bended knee in gratitude for they tolerate us-no, when we are all accepted then we should all be on bended knees thanking God!

Day 1

It is hard to believe a year has past, almost feels like I never left Malone from last summer. Just like last summer my first day has brought rain and thunderstorms. Now I realize North Country folks are sick of rain, I like The rain as we see so little of it in So Cal. Of course, NC weather changes rapidly- the sun is shining already, going to be a beautiful day! This whole Anthony acquittal has folks in an uproar! That mom, what is her name, Casey? Sounds like she got away with murder. I am not surprised. I have not follows the trial, it all was just so sad and twisted. It is difficult understanding how the prosecution could not remove reasonable doubt. From what I have read today this is why the jury acquitted her-not because she was innocent, more because the prosecution did not put on a solid case. It outrages us that is for sure. We are so much more cynical aren't we? Anytime a child goes missing or is found dead we jump to the conclusion the mom or dad did it. If a spouse is found dead, the other spouse is guilty! It is sad really, probably because it is true. Our society has made it easier to give up custody of your child than your dog yet some parents kill their children. You have to be sick, really demented to kill a child, but to kill your own child-that is beyond comprehension. The members of that jury are going to have to hide. Some loon out there will commit an act of stupidity as a means of showing their disgust regarding the verdict. I'm glad I wasn't on that jury- I could not have been, I would vote guilty no matter the evidence. That women killed her child either by commission or omission...either way she should be in jail the test of her life! What kind of life can she have anyway? Estranged from her family, killing her child, her face on every newspaper and magazine cover...I understand she likes to party, probably she will go dancing. She will have to move, color her hair, change her look-she will have to do something. I wonder what she is thinking? Relief because she really was innocent or does she feel invincible because she got away with murder? Either way, God knows the truth and I trust he will distribute justice for that little girl. Oh we live in disturbing times, some days I wonder why try? What is the point of doing the"right" thing when those who do so much wrong appear to have it all? Personally, it is faith which carries me. Faith, that when my time here on Earth is done I will go to heaven, be reunited with all my loved ones, live that eternal life of happiness. Time here on Earth is short as the blink of an eye-eternity is way longer! That phrase about it being easier to gain forgiveness than it is to gain permission...in a nutshell I believe many people live that way; "I will just do what I want, then on my deathbed give confession and I am forgiven, bingo off to heaven I go." Tempting isn't it? Just do whatever floats your boat regardless how wrong or immoral your behavior is, wait until the end, ask for forgiveness, and it's all good. The Buddhist belief that you keep coming back until you get it right, that sounds fair. Unless you are one sick SOB and mote time living provides you with more opportunity to be a real bad person. Who knows? These are questions many of us struggle with everyday. We live our lives doing the very best we can, we get the short end of the stick time after time-it can draw a person to finally throw in the towel! Why not? If our kindness, charity, loyalty bring us continued slaps in the face, then why bother? Well, bother bother because known
G right from wrong compels you to. Commit random, or deliberate acts of kindness because your kindness may effect a person making continued bad Choices- what you do as charity, or choose to do because it is the right thing to do, well your behavior may save a child's life. Offering your best could be the difference which in turn will save someone else from suffering. And when events throw us into incomprehensible rage, we must remain true to faith-we must continue clinging to those threads of hope, we must continue moving forward-because we never really know if our kind, moral, or generosity will save someone else incredible pain. Most likely we will never know, again faith is the key...when we can only see or feel the burdens, it is during these decision making times when choosing to do the "right" thing is most difficult and most easy-either way you look at it, someone out there, someone you may or may not know-well they are going to need you-so we have to find light in the dark of night-strength during times of weariness, hope during moments of despair...because there are many other babies born into circumstances and our choices may be the only chance they have for happiness. Doesn't matter what anyone tells me, I believe we are responsible for one another, as such we are responsible in serving to help and in doing the right thing because our behavior does impact so many other people-we are all connected, and the saying; "only as strong as your weakest link, well that is true. We have to help one another so our chain of humanity is so strong it can overcome all the desperate children who cry themselves to sleep each night.