Betrayal

     I am not sure when I lost the understanding of all that I believed. I am not sure when I decomposed to such a point I was either disconnected or hopped up on pain meds. Looking back, there is a lot I don't remember.
     Often I say;
     "What I can't remember from my childhood must be horrific; because what I can remember is awful."
     This process - reintegrating. It is a lot of hard, emotional work. It has to be done. I existed in my Place of Peace. This is what I call it. Knowing I cannot change the past nor control the future - I rest in my place of peace. It worked...until it didn't.
     My mind meanders - that is no surprise. An old 8 mm film scratches, jumps, fades, and flickers. Images meld together. A picture forms. A memory becomes reality.
     Why I could not get up - I don't know. I have always gotten up. My life is a testament to resiliency. Yes, I wish it were not so. I am not better for my scars. It was what it was.
     Abusing pain meds as a form of escaping a reality I could not understand. That was not a solution. Crawling into a bottle, seeking to shut off my brain. And if by chance taking 15 Percocet and 5 Nucynta took me out - I was OK with that.
     When I was 9 years old I tried to kill myself. It was the first time - not the only time. Sitting here 41 years later I can't help but think;
    "I am not suppose to be alive."
     Yet, I know I am suppose to be alive. God certainly has made that clear. Now if he would point me in a direction. I am a good soldier. Give me my orders and I will execute them flawlessly.
     I have avoided this betrayal. Avoided the topic. It is an image growing more clear. It is a truth beyond tragedy. This betrayal is incomprehensible.
     This process is not about assigning blame. It is my search for understanding. Though we cannot change the past we do have to accept it - sometimes accepting truth sets you free. Other times it just hurts like hell.
    And thus, this betrayal I have avoided will not let me move forward. It is time to face this truth. This one hurts like hell.
     Y'all know I made a deathbed promise to Mommie; I would always take care of Aldona Mae. From her childhood, teenage years, adulthood...I did my best. After Mommie passed, I did more.
     Aldona Mae and I were so close - not really as it turns out. Just writing those words makes me cry. I was merely a puppet in her charade. She knew how to pull my strings.
     Not a matter of keeping score. Aldona Mae did a lot for me, it just wasn't free. Love should be free. The price was too high - but I always paid. I promised I would. As I said, I am a good soldier.
     When you are in the middle of a tornado don't reckon you can see what exists outside the wind and debris. Love should not be a tornado.
     All I did, all she did - mutual love and respect - was I really that blinded? Yes. Many a times others told me I was blinded. I did not deny it. Thought we were both blinded - kindred spirits brought together by love to be there for one another through good and bad times. Unconditional acceptance and love.
     Still I would believe that. It was not Aldona throwing me out. She did what she felt was right. She knew I wanted to die and she did not want to watch me kill myself. She did not want Jessica to see that. Aldona did the right thing. I should have left months before. I knew it. In my twisted reality I felt I needed to stay.
     No, that was not her betrayal. This was - driving to Greenville we passed a Chick Fil'A. Thought about stopping to eat there. I said no. As a corporation Chick Fil'A spent millions of dollars opposing equality for gay and lesbian marriage. The CEO did not hide his hatred and bigotry. Standing on his bible and family value platform he denounced our existence. No, I was not eating at Chick Fil'A.
     Jessica in the back seat kept with questions;
     "But why would he hate people he doesn't know?"
     Goodness the pure innocence of a child is often truth adults don't comprehend.
     As I turned to Jessica, I wanted to explain to here in more detail. It would be no more fair for her to boycott Chick Fil'A because of my views than it was of Chick Fil'A to condone such bigotry.
     Aldona Mae hushed me. Jessica doesn't need to know the details. What? You know gay, lesbian - she doesn't need to know all of that. I remember asking;
     "Doesn't Jessica know I am a lesbian?"
     "She doesn't need to know. She has to go to school down here. We live here." Aldona replied.
     Wow! It was a body blow I never saw coming. As we discussed it further I learned Aldona did not feel my relationship, my marriage to Liz was equal to her marriage to Robert. Nor was my love of Emily, as my child, valid. I should love Jessica, just Jessica.
     The hits kept coming. Then one day girl scouts were going to a play in Dallas. On the way they planned to stop at Chick Fil'A. As told to me by Aldona Mae - Jessica spoke up. She told the van full of bible thumping, conservative, bigoted, Christians - They could not eat at Chick Fil'A because the man in charge hated people he didn't know. Aunt Lee Lee said so.
     I was so proud of my Jessica Rose. 9 years old she stood up to her peers and adults because she listened and learned and believed all people should be treated equally. Of course Aldona Mae hushed her. Told her it would be alright to eat there just this once. She didn't want Jessica to say anymore. The words she used;
     "I was mortified, I thought she would say gay or lesbian."
     This my friends is the betrayal I cannot comprehend. No, Jessica does not know her Aunt Lee Lee is a lesbian. She knows I am a teacher, an athlete, a writer, a friend, a sister, an Aunt who fills in as a Grandma when need arises. She knows when I am there Mommie and Daddy yell less. She knows she loves me - She knows I love her. 
     I have never led with my sexuality. No more than I have with my hair color. I was 9 when I knew I felt different. Glad I don't have to be 9 again.
     My sweet Jessica Rose denied her voice. Denied knowledge - denied opportunity. And I, well, this betrayal erased 45 years of what I held as truth.
     Long before I fell down, long before I took a pill, long before I lost myself - I was denied by my Aldona Mae. You might as well have shot me in the head. That would have hurt less. As I said; This one hurts like hell.
     What do you do? Darned if I know. As shitty as I feel I worry about Jessica. She is a sensitive young girl. Kind, generous, insightful, she strives for perfection and lives to please adults - We know these symptoms. That is what they are, symptoms. The little girl who will do anything to gain approval, keep the peace, buries her voice - We know how this goes.
     No, Aldona Mae kicking me out, that was justified. Everything else was betrayal. What do you do? What do I do?
     If you happen to read this Aldona Mae...perhaps you will find an awakening. You don't have to let me go, turns out you never held me.
    It is I who held you. Betrayal like this hurts like hell. It is not too late for Jessica - You know how it feels, spending your whole life striving for perfection, acceptance - You betrayed yourself. You betrayed me. Don't betray Jessica.
     Yup, it does hurt like hell.  

The Heart of The Matter

     The first time Liz and I took Em out, she was 4 years old. We went to Century City. We watched a movie, window shopped, had some lunch. Before we left we got ice cream cones. As we were walking back to the car Em moved her ice cream from her right hand to her left. Then she reached up and took my hand. I looked down at this beautiful child - her pure innocent eyes. Chocolate ice cream rimmed her mouth - spotted her nose.
     Em looked at me, squeezed my hand and said;
     "This is the best day ever!"
     That was the moment I felt a whole new depth of love. A place in my heart I did not know existed came to life. The tag line in an insurance commercial;
     "The day I became yours, you became mine."
     That was the day, the moment, Em's little hand in mine - I wiped chocolate ice cream from her nose. I squeezed her hand right back. I could not speak - It was this moment I understood when parents say the first time they hold their child forever changes them.
     That warm December day changed me. I became a Mom. It is incredible. Everything else ceases to matter except your child. You want to protect, nurture, love - you want to do everything right; Most of the time you worry you are doing everything wrong.
     And so it began. Watching Em grow it is amazing. She is so kind, intelligent, athletic. Em possess a keen awareness of equality and respect. She epitomizes a spirit unencumbered with preconceived notions.
     One time we were walking through China Town. Liz holding one hand, I held Em's other hand. As we entered a crosswalk a big SUV blew the stop sign - you don't think, Both Liz and I bent to scoop up Em, place our bodies between that black SUV and Em. I slammed my fist on the car's hood. A man inside was yelling. I yelled louder. He did not exit his car. Smart of him. You endanger my child I will beat the day lights out of you.
     This is how you feel all the time. I wanted to protect Em from everything. I wanted to give her everything. Picking her up from school, helping her with homework, making supper, bath and bed some of the most incredible moments I have experienced.
     When we went camping Em and I would "gear up." Hats, gloves, whistles, belts for our canteens, walkie talkies, utility knives. Any camping accessory we could put on a belt we did. We loved it. Liz laughed at the two of us, looking like we were going on Dual Survivor.
     This is our heart. Not the muscle beating in our chest. Our heart - it cannot be seen, you can't measure beats per minute - This is our heart. It is where love grows. Our heart where we hold hopes and dreams. Our heart where we garner strength to overcome. This is where we hold on and we let go. Doctors can't touch it. Can't stitch up a broken heart. You can't stop this heart - even in the darkest of hours, this heart beats measures of love. This heart sustains us.
     Nothing changes love of your child. Em is my child. One day she took my hand, she became mine and I became hers. This my friends is The Heart of The Matter. Not being with her. Not talking with her. It is a raw pain. My heart, the one you can't see - this heart holds her even tighter, yearns a glimpse of her smile, urges me to protect her - wants to hug her, explain to her my failures and frailties - beg her forgiveness. You don't stop being a Mom - this heart beats in measures of love - absence makes it beat faster. Longing causes fissures. Failures become fractures.
     This heart - it is not a muscle - it is our soul, our existence, our character, and our flaws. Reckon, this heart is the one which really matters. Being a Mom is more than giving birth - I know that. My Mom did not give birth to me. I did not give birth to my daughter. Our hearts know no difference. This love, unlike any other, remains strong - becomes stronger - it grows and grows.
     Yup, this is the heart of the matter.