Health care for sick folks stinks. If you are healthy this matters not. Be thankful. This Podunk hospital out here bills each department separately. One department returns my payment because I am paid in full. The next day I receive 5 new bills - other departments = $10,649.61. Let me just write them a check. Last time I was at this facility I was sent to Shelley in financial hardship office. I explain I live on disability and have no insurance. She tells me she is not allowed to work with patients on disability. That is discrimination I say. She says take it up with the board. Picks up her newspaper and that is that.
I call the number on one of these five bills. Lady was rude. Why don't you have insurance? I go through story including Shelly's role. Oh, she says, I am Shelly and I would not have said that. That is discrimination. Yes, I agree. I told you that when I was in your office.
As you can imagine, Shelly is not wanting to help me. Swears she never would have said any such thing. I tell her, I was not alone, I have a witness. Deny, Deny, Deny!
Finally, I say look I just want to set up some type of payment plan so this does not go to collections.
Well have you applied for Medicaid. Yes, I was denied. Have you applied for Fidelis, yes, it was $532.00/month. Not quite affordable. Well have you contacted Debbie at Adirondack Insurance - Nope, never heard of Debbie.
Then I offered to make a payment. Unless I could pay $10,000 they would take nothing. Can I set up a payment plan. Well, we have a 5 year limit on payment plans and you don't sound like you could pay enough each month to meet that criteria.
I don't sound like I could meet the criteria? What do I sound like you pencil pushing, paper shoving, ignorant, biased, moron? Seriously, what do I sound like?
You did discriminate when you said you couldn't help me because I was disabled. Should have hired a lawyer over that. Now, now you don't think I sound like I can pay of $10,000 in five years. Hell, I won't be alive in five years you stupid ignorant wanna be!
It is like this all the time. I will not go to anymore doctors or hospitals. Wherever and whenever this ticker stops ticking it won't be in a hospital. Screw that. It is not my fault I don't have insurance. I tried. I researched, called dozens of brokers - most are scams. No fidelis would not accept me. Healthy NY, sorry. Obamacare - that is just a joke.
This is the marginalization I speak of. This is what makes an intelligent, accomplished woman go off the deep end. I literally exists in a void between a hundred dollars too much this way and a hundred dollars too little that way.
Paid my dues. Followed the rules. Fought as long as I could - for what? So some person living an unhappy existence calls me a liar - judges me because I am on disability. Speaks to me like I am two years old.
Worked so hard for so damn long - to what end? This? Nope, not for this.
Marginalized member of society. Of no use. Dismissed, looked over, talked down to - YO' Shelly I am not deaf or dumb you did not need to speak slow and loud. What a nummy-nut! If it wasn't a gazillion degrees below zero I would march right over there and punch her in the face. OK, no I would not punch her, but I might share a piece of my mind. Oh, the frustration!
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Dear Mr. IOC President
I cannot, for the life of me, understand why these Olympics are being held in Sochi, Russia. This is the 21st Century, isn't it? It isn't just Puntin's oppression, or Russia's History, or even their homophobic laws - Well, yes actually, it is!
We are far more civilize. I don't me we, United States Citizens - I am speaking of we as a member of humanity. Humanity you know what I mean? Just rank and file folks who work hard, raise children, build infrastructures, educate one another, care for one another.
We are better than what Russia is selling! We are, Russian Citizens are better than what their country is selling. So why then Mr. IOC President did Russia win the privilege of hosting these Olympic Games? It does not make one bit of sense.
Certainly there are so many pockets of every culture, civilization, country, state, county, town - pockets of ignorance - it is not legalized hatred. These are not laws which enable beating, imprisoning, killing of a specific group of human beings - just for their humanity.
Don't we deserve better than this? Are we not evolved enough we should not have to add warning labels as we send our athletes to compete. And NO ONE should walk down a street, around a town, in a hotel - NO ONE should be afraid.
We are not naïve. Any time there is a major event we have to be cautious. A few have made the majority live differently. These terrorists are not legal. They are not endorsed by their own governments. Russia has legalized hatred!
I do not get that. I do not get this. A lot I do not get. As a member of this human race - chugging along as I can...just like Billions of other folks - Laws legalizing hatred? NOPE, we do not endorse that!
The Olympics are a big ticket event. The country that wins the HONOR of hosting Olympic Games - That country should be an example of all that is good about us - It is "us" we are all in this boat together. Whether German, French, Iranian, Italian, Swiss...and on and on - we are all a part of a great big "us!"
Hooray to Canada! Several commercials are airing which are provocative. They provoke a viewer. We need to provoke a bit don't we? Shucks I wish it were not so. It should not be like this. Alas, Mr. IOC President, I am disappointed. As I know many people are. I am disappointed we, humanity, allowed the privilege of hosting the Olympic Games to go to Russia.
Really, we should do so much better. We have to do better. Education deters ignorance, it does not eliminate it. Eliminating ignorance is up to each human being - when you hear a joke which targets hatred - do you speak up? Or do you turn away? It is tough. Would you attempt to intervene if you saw someone being hit? If someone uses a racial slur - what do you do?
It really can be a difficult situation. Do you spend your money on products if the parent corporation donates to anti-Semitic, anti-LGBT, anti-African American, sexist, ageist, religious cause? Do you know? Education!
Not always is it a choice - when it is, what do you choose? More folks choose to stand up and do the right thing. It is wonderful! We are making progress. We have miles to go before we sleep - A big step was right there for humanity to take - NO Russia, you cannot host Olympic Games until you strike down laws encouraging hate and bigotry. You want the green - you have to take the entire Rainbow!
It is about money. In itself that is sad. Russia spent 5 billion dollars on Opening Ceremonies. This is why the IOC granted them the privilege of hosting these Olympic Games. I watched those ceremonies. Theatrically they were spectacular - but I already studied Russia's history.
My little voice matters squat in the grand scheme of things. I am alright with that. Whatever "throat" I have, it will be heard! I can make a difference. Might not alter histories course - a girl can dream. Maybe, one person listening will hear something - We can agree to disagree - Heck, I don't care if you like me...but shucks, don't hate me.
In the immortal words of Rodney King; "Can't we all just get along?"
We are far more civilize. I don't me we, United States Citizens - I am speaking of we as a member of humanity. Humanity you know what I mean? Just rank and file folks who work hard, raise children, build infrastructures, educate one another, care for one another.
We are better than what Russia is selling! We are, Russian Citizens are better than what their country is selling. So why then Mr. IOC President did Russia win the privilege of hosting these Olympic Games? It does not make one bit of sense.
Certainly there are so many pockets of every culture, civilization, country, state, county, town - pockets of ignorance - it is not legalized hatred. These are not laws which enable beating, imprisoning, killing of a specific group of human beings - just for their humanity.
Don't we deserve better than this? Are we not evolved enough we should not have to add warning labels as we send our athletes to compete. And NO ONE should walk down a street, around a town, in a hotel - NO ONE should be afraid.
We are not naïve. Any time there is a major event we have to be cautious. A few have made the majority live differently. These terrorists are not legal. They are not endorsed by their own governments. Russia has legalized hatred!
I do not get that. I do not get this. A lot I do not get. As a member of this human race - chugging along as I can...just like Billions of other folks - Laws legalizing hatred? NOPE, we do not endorse that!
The Olympics are a big ticket event. The country that wins the HONOR of hosting Olympic Games - That country should be an example of all that is good about us - It is "us" we are all in this boat together. Whether German, French, Iranian, Italian, Swiss...and on and on - we are all a part of a great big "us!"
Hooray to Canada! Several commercials are airing which are provocative. They provoke a viewer. We need to provoke a bit don't we? Shucks I wish it were not so. It should not be like this. Alas, Mr. IOC President, I am disappointed. As I know many people are. I am disappointed we, humanity, allowed the privilege of hosting the Olympic Games to go to Russia.
Really, we should do so much better. We have to do better. Education deters ignorance, it does not eliminate it. Eliminating ignorance is up to each human being - when you hear a joke which targets hatred - do you speak up? Or do you turn away? It is tough. Would you attempt to intervene if you saw someone being hit? If someone uses a racial slur - what do you do?
It really can be a difficult situation. Do you spend your money on products if the parent corporation donates to anti-Semitic, anti-LGBT, anti-African American, sexist, ageist, religious cause? Do you know? Education!
Not always is it a choice - when it is, what do you choose? More folks choose to stand up and do the right thing. It is wonderful! We are making progress. We have miles to go before we sleep - A big step was right there for humanity to take - NO Russia, you cannot host Olympic Games until you strike down laws encouraging hate and bigotry. You want the green - you have to take the entire Rainbow!
It is about money. In itself that is sad. Russia spent 5 billion dollars on Opening Ceremonies. This is why the IOC granted them the privilege of hosting these Olympic Games. I watched those ceremonies. Theatrically they were spectacular - but I already studied Russia's history.
My little voice matters squat in the grand scheme of things. I am alright with that. Whatever "throat" I have, it will be heard! I can make a difference. Might not alter histories course - a girl can dream. Maybe, one person listening will hear something - We can agree to disagree - Heck, I don't care if you like me...but shucks, don't hate me.
In the immortal words of Rodney King; "Can't we all just get along?"
Friday, February 7, 2014
Jonestown
I was watching a news special on Jonestown Massacre. Four survivors of the massacre were featured. A newswoman from NBC. Two former members and one of Jones' sons.
Ryan, the congressman who went there to check on his constituents, he was slaughtered. Over 900 people drinking the kool-aide. How does that happen? It occurred in our time. In this time. From a young age, Jim Jones showed obvious signs of sociopath behavior. He came from a disturbed home. He started killing animals and holding funerals for them. Killing animals is one of the seven behaviors on the sociopath checklist.
Then, in the 60's, dirty secrets were kept just that - secret. Families were left alone to handle their own. Especially in rural America.
So a disturbed boy became a man. And that man developed skills hiding his mental illness. How better to hide your shame, low self esteem, paranoia than to be big and loud? As Jones grew bigger and became louder it only fed his disease.
Listening to these individuals; my God how incredibly horrific. One man left with Ryan. He left his wife and children. A woman left her mother, three sisters, and nieces and nephews. The anchorwoman, shot at the helicopter pretended she was dead - that is how she survived. Jones' own son - he lost everyone.
I cried a lot listening to these people. I cannot imagine - it is not imaginable is it? Then I examine the state of our country during Jones reign of terror. He preyed on educated middle class citizens who worked hard. No matter how hard they worked they only fell farther behind.
It was an economic period when rich became richer and middle class became poor and the poor were forgotten. Does that sound familiar?
Jones spoke about helping end segregation, helping poor folks, mentally ill people, and elderly people.
When middle class become working poor; what do the poor become? Marginalized, discounted, looked over - programs are cut everyday. Obama care doesn't offer health insurance for disabled people, or elderly people...it hurts those working individuals who had employer sponsored health care. Now they pay for health care. Health care that is not anywhere as good as what they had. Small businesses are cut out. Either they become Wal-Mart'esque or close their doors.
Worrisome isn't it? Those people Jones attracted, intelligent, hard working, compassionate people who believed in helping others even while their lives became harder.
That is what we do. How many times do we hear stories of a former homeless person who starts a successful shelter. A battered woman who builds shelters for other battered woman. An addict who goes into the streets reaching out to his fellow humans.
Read a paper, watch the news - scary isn't it? The gap between rich and middle class grows everyday. The poor, disabled, elderly, sick - these folks well they are invisible. Not because a majority of mankind wants to shut their eyes. When you live at survival level - when you have to choose between heat or food it is difficult to drop a dime in a bucket.
We should be wary. We should be vigilante. We should find a better way. We have to find a better way!
A charismatic person could raise a voice of humanity. Speak of a better society. A community where all people were equal. A safe place where poor, elderly, mentally ill are cared for. This does sound wonderful. I might sign up. Pool our resources so we could have a positive impact on our world.
Wouldn't you do that? In some way wouldn't you like to free yourselves of rent, clock punching, car payments, worrying about how you are going to send your kids to college - worrying all the time.
Oh to be free of worry. To live a life of service to others while being free to be whoever you are. Having a real village raise your children. It is tempting. Appealing, alluring, gives one a small idea of "what-if?"
Don't look at the video of Jonestown. It is sickening. Why they show it I have no idea. Read about it. Just read about it. Listen to survivors. Hear their stories. Hear how they came to join People's Temple. They were folks just like you and I. Honest folks who worked hard only to be pushed down, and down, and down - until they could not push up anymore. Do you know anybody like that? Do you sometimes feel that way? Ever visit a nursing home? Ever visit a mental hospital?
Do you know how many mentally ill people are being released into communities? It is happening all over our country. Close the institutions because they are expensive. Let these folks rent apartments, buy homes -
Do you know how many mentally ill people are incarcerated in our penal system? Not so much anymore - they too are being released into communities. Here is a bus voucher, and $20.00, good luck. Look around - it doesn't matter if you are in an urban area, a rural area, or anyplace in between. It is happening.
Are we powerless to stop it? I don't think so. Better question, will we do anything to stop it? To that I say, man I sure hope so. But I fear we won't. We can't - because so many of us are trying to pay for heat, lights, and food. Too many good people are working two jobs. Too many children go home to empty apartments, houses, boxes;
I reckon the more important question might be; Have we learned from the past or are we doomed to repeat it?
Ryan, the congressman who went there to check on his constituents, he was slaughtered. Over 900 people drinking the kool-aide. How does that happen? It occurred in our time. In this time. From a young age, Jim Jones showed obvious signs of sociopath behavior. He came from a disturbed home. He started killing animals and holding funerals for them. Killing animals is one of the seven behaviors on the sociopath checklist.
Then, in the 60's, dirty secrets were kept just that - secret. Families were left alone to handle their own. Especially in rural America.
So a disturbed boy became a man. And that man developed skills hiding his mental illness. How better to hide your shame, low self esteem, paranoia than to be big and loud? As Jones grew bigger and became louder it only fed his disease.
Listening to these individuals; my God how incredibly horrific. One man left with Ryan. He left his wife and children. A woman left her mother, three sisters, and nieces and nephews. The anchorwoman, shot at the helicopter pretended she was dead - that is how she survived. Jones' own son - he lost everyone.
I cried a lot listening to these people. I cannot imagine - it is not imaginable is it? Then I examine the state of our country during Jones reign of terror. He preyed on educated middle class citizens who worked hard. No matter how hard they worked they only fell farther behind.
It was an economic period when rich became richer and middle class became poor and the poor were forgotten. Does that sound familiar?
Jones spoke about helping end segregation, helping poor folks, mentally ill people, and elderly people.
When middle class become working poor; what do the poor become? Marginalized, discounted, looked over - programs are cut everyday. Obama care doesn't offer health insurance for disabled people, or elderly people...it hurts those working individuals who had employer sponsored health care. Now they pay for health care. Health care that is not anywhere as good as what they had. Small businesses are cut out. Either they become Wal-Mart'esque or close their doors.
Worrisome isn't it? Those people Jones attracted, intelligent, hard working, compassionate people who believed in helping others even while their lives became harder.
That is what we do. How many times do we hear stories of a former homeless person who starts a successful shelter. A battered woman who builds shelters for other battered woman. An addict who goes into the streets reaching out to his fellow humans.
Read a paper, watch the news - scary isn't it? The gap between rich and middle class grows everyday. The poor, disabled, elderly, sick - these folks well they are invisible. Not because a majority of mankind wants to shut their eyes. When you live at survival level - when you have to choose between heat or food it is difficult to drop a dime in a bucket.
We should be wary. We should be vigilante. We should find a better way. We have to find a better way!
A charismatic person could raise a voice of humanity. Speak of a better society. A community where all people were equal. A safe place where poor, elderly, mentally ill are cared for. This does sound wonderful. I might sign up. Pool our resources so we could have a positive impact on our world.
Wouldn't you do that? In some way wouldn't you like to free yourselves of rent, clock punching, car payments, worrying about how you are going to send your kids to college - worrying all the time.
Oh to be free of worry. To live a life of service to others while being free to be whoever you are. Having a real village raise your children. It is tempting. Appealing, alluring, gives one a small idea of "what-if?"
Don't look at the video of Jonestown. It is sickening. Why they show it I have no idea. Read about it. Just read about it. Listen to survivors. Hear their stories. Hear how they came to join People's Temple. They were folks just like you and I. Honest folks who worked hard only to be pushed down, and down, and down - until they could not push up anymore. Do you know anybody like that? Do you sometimes feel that way? Ever visit a nursing home? Ever visit a mental hospital?
Do you know how many mentally ill people are being released into communities? It is happening all over our country. Close the institutions because they are expensive. Let these folks rent apartments, buy homes -
Do you know how many mentally ill people are incarcerated in our penal system? Not so much anymore - they too are being released into communities. Here is a bus voucher, and $20.00, good luck. Look around - it doesn't matter if you are in an urban area, a rural area, or anyplace in between. It is happening.
Are we powerless to stop it? I don't think so. Better question, will we do anything to stop it? To that I say, man I sure hope so. But I fear we won't. We can't - because so many of us are trying to pay for heat, lights, and food. Too many good people are working two jobs. Too many children go home to empty apartments, houses, boxes;
I reckon the more important question might be; Have we learned from the past or are we doomed to repeat it?
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Tossing and Turning
Last night as I tossed and turned, turned and tossed (poor Zuko, he lies curled, foot of the bed) my inability to sleep like a normal person is long documented. One doctor wrote; "Lisa yearns for sleep." I don't know if I yearn for sleep but I sure would like a good ten hours at a time. Though as you get older you are supposed to require less sleep. I have it all wrong. Surprise, surprise!
Anyway, last night while I was not asleep I was thinking. (Yet another surprise) I should avoid thinking and sleep more. Believe it or not I do try to sleep. Keep a routine. Exercise early. Take a sleep aide, wait 20 minutes, lie down in dark room. I have unplugged every noise source, every light source.
I cannot lie on my left or right side - begins to burn. Can't lie on my stomach - hips, back, shoulders, and elbows. Cannot lie on my back - well, that sleeping on your back is just weird. (plus you snore when you sleep on your back) Medicine to stop pain keeps me awake. What's a girl to do?
Thinking, last night, about my irregular sleep pattern this came to mind.
Did it start when I was awakened by screams of fear, pain, anger - or was it after, when I stayed awake so I could hear when they came home. Intervene before the screaming started. That was my job. Keep the peace. Take the blame so no one else had to feel bad. It might have started when my sleep was interrupted by a rapist lifting me from my bed, carrying me down the hall, doing what he did - or after, when I kept my eyes on the door. My ears tuned into sounds. Hear the pocket door slide open, see hallway light creep into my bedroom, see his hand reach in and remove the slide lock - Could be I developed poor sleep habits very young.
Maybe it was later - when exhaustion took me at noon but I did not stop until midnight...until my mind was exhausted from fighting pain and pain fragmented my sleep. Or after, when medicine to stop the pain simply kept me awake.
Does not matter. I am trying to correct the problem. I have done my research.
Anyone have any suggestions. You think I would accomplish more for all my wakeful hours. Nope, I toss and turn. Trying with all my might to drift off. I sure would like to sleep normal. Would not be so much like me - doing it normal. Guess I don't want to give up my only claim to fame...Ah, give it a rest Lisa. Hah, that is funny!
Anyway, last night while I was not asleep I was thinking. (Yet another surprise) I should avoid thinking and sleep more. Believe it or not I do try to sleep. Keep a routine. Exercise early. Take a sleep aide, wait 20 minutes, lie down in dark room. I have unplugged every noise source, every light source.
I cannot lie on my left or right side - begins to burn. Can't lie on my stomach - hips, back, shoulders, and elbows. Cannot lie on my back - well, that sleeping on your back is just weird. (plus you snore when you sleep on your back) Medicine to stop pain keeps me awake. What's a girl to do?
Thinking, last night, about my irregular sleep pattern this came to mind.
Did it start when I was awakened by screams of fear, pain, anger - or was it after, when I stayed awake so I could hear when they came home. Intervene before the screaming started. That was my job. Keep the peace. Take the blame so no one else had to feel bad. It might have started when my sleep was interrupted by a rapist lifting me from my bed, carrying me down the hall, doing what he did - or after, when I kept my eyes on the door. My ears tuned into sounds. Hear the pocket door slide open, see hallway light creep into my bedroom, see his hand reach in and remove the slide lock - Could be I developed poor sleep habits very young.
Maybe it was later - when exhaustion took me at noon but I did not stop until midnight...until my mind was exhausted from fighting pain and pain fragmented my sleep. Or after, when medicine to stop the pain simply kept me awake.
Does not matter. I am trying to correct the problem. I have done my research.
Anyone have any suggestions. You think I would accomplish more for all my wakeful hours. Nope, I toss and turn. Trying with all my might to drift off. I sure would like to sleep normal. Would not be so much like me - doing it normal. Guess I don't want to give up my only claim to fame...Ah, give it a rest Lisa. Hah, that is funny!
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
So...Today is the Day!
Why is today the day? I do not know. Perhaps it is winter pounding us yet again. Leaving Zuko and I housebound - It might be just life's cycle. Maybe I am acquiring clarity. An answer for you I cannot provide.
I stopped writing on purpose. As I attempted to open boxes and let in light, I could not write. Then, I realized I did not want, nor did I need to open those darn boxes. I understand the concept of letting light in. I understand the idea of it - what I know is more important.
What I know is I survived as best I could. And truthfully, I feel I did a bang up job. I have contended that what I do remember is awful - what I don't remember is worse...why open that can of worms. If I had been offered therapy when I was 14, 18, even 30...it might have made a difference. I learned to put stuff away and move on. Might not be in psychology 101 textbook - but it worked.
No, I am not a model of mental health - who the heck is? Shoot, life is tough. It is what we do with LOVE that matters! I have known LOVE! That is it! That matters! Not what some A'hole did to me, or took from me - what replaced the pain, what filled the gaps...LOVE! And with love, HOPE, and with hope FAITH! That is what matters.
My life has meaning because of the people who LOVE me and the people I LOVE. My life has meaning because I overcame stuff. Overachieved - BS! I achieved everything I could! It wasn't a stretch - it was destiny.
I had plans to blast everyone. Put on my defense. I wanted to rip apart the stories, lies, exaggerations. I wanted to prove I was right and they were wrong. That is not me. Forgiveness was the only tool enabling me. Had I not forgiven those who stole my childhood I never would have become a teenager. Without forgiving those who took my idyllic youth - anger would have finished me off. If I did not look forward, If I only looked back - my fuel would have consumed me in a ball of fire, anger, regret, and shame.
LOVE...it sounds too simple - especially in light of how complex I am. A life with so many layers of degradation, failure, pain, loss, and regret cannot be set aside merely because I know LOVE. Why not? Why can I not tell you what I know as truth - I am LOVED. I have been LOVED since the moment I was born. While that moment is marred in such a tragic loss, I did not kill Eva. My birth did not take her from this Earth. Indeed starting out with 2 strikes, well, that stinks. But you see, I didn't know it stunk. I knew LOVE.
When my childish innocence was shattered by truth - it changed me but it didn't break me. I thought it did. I have relived that moment so many times. Felt shame, shock, sorrow, regret...I owned Eva's death. Wasn't I suppose to? In doing so I freed others from regret and responsibility. God gave me these broad shoulders. He told me I was going to need them.
Just a few minutes old. I was already LOVED! That matters! Thus I meandered through my days and nights oblivious to how destroyed I should be. Yes, my goal was perfection. Be the perfect daughter, sister, friend, Aunt, Cousin, Granddaughter, student, athlete, teacher, writer - Yup that is exhausting! (ironic considering how little I sleep) That was destiny as brick by brick the road I travelled was set in place. No more could I change my need for perfection than I could the color of my eyes.
Nope, never achieved perfection. I did my best. It was not always good enough, it was my best. I stink when it comes to sending cards, remembering birthdays, anniversaries...I forget to call. If you need me though I am there.
Judgment is not mine. I believe everyone does their best. We all fall short - but that is not failure. It is humanity. It is what pushes us, stretches us, helps us grow. It is what makes us strong, humble, and hungry! We don't need judgment we need understanding. Compassion people - forgive and be of compassion. Speak with humility knowing how flawed each of us can be. Then celebrate with laughter knowing how we need one another so very much. We need LOVE!
Why is today the day? I wonder. No, I don't have the answer. I don't know what stone turned, or what neuron clicked. I have spent a lot of time deep in my own thoughts. I don't recommend it. Matters not how many times I look ugly in the face - it remains ugly. No answer nor understanding will change that truth. This is what I believed for my whole life. It is how I thrived. Maybe it isn't for everyone - perhaps it is not the "right" way to go about living - I don't know. I do know those I LOVE and those who LOVE me - we are the better for that! That matters.
Yes, things trigger flashbacks. Difficult to control but we manage. Have I failed today because of stolen pieces - yup. Will I fail again - sure. I will learn and move on. Not make the same mistake twice - be better. Be the best me I can.
Some will shake their heads; "Poor poor Lisa, she is resting her case on LOVE. Will she never learn."
"Hope not." is my reply.
I HOPE I never forget LOVE'S power. I HOPE I never forget LOVE'S gifts. I PRAY I never turn LOVE away in fear of loss. And I certainly BELIEVE with LOVE all things are possible.
Go ahead call me naïve. Tell me how my poetic, romantic notion of LOVE conquering all is BS! That is just fine. It works for me. Though I bear some ugly scars. Though I have cried an ocean of tears. Though I have failed a million times...I still BELIEVE in LOVE and HOPE. I still have my FAITH! I am no where near finished. Still a work in progress - I am trying.
Over the past months, there were times I did not believe I could take another breath. I begged God to take me. I tried to end my life. Gosh darn it the sun kept rising. Folks kept LOVING me. No matter how hard I tried to end my miserable existence, that did not come to pass. And I cursed God for my suffering. I screamed at him. In turn he did nothing. He did not answer my prayers. He remained quiet. I punched and kicked, sliced and diced - and he did nothing. Coward, that is what I called him. God was a coward because he would not answer me. No, he is still in silence. I am talking to him, not screaming...maybe he hears a whisper.
Yup, that is today - Life is hard, I am harder. I am strong, LOVE is stronger. Winter sucks! That just is what it is!
Don't know where I am going. Don't know what my next goal is. I have to get through today - given the snow this only means I have to watch hours pass until a new sun rises. It might appear I gave up - man, you've no idea how untrue that is. I have fought with every fiber of my being. Why I am alive, I don't know - I can only surmise; God is not finished with me yet.
I stopped writing on purpose. As I attempted to open boxes and let in light, I could not write. Then, I realized I did not want, nor did I need to open those darn boxes. I understand the concept of letting light in. I understand the idea of it - what I know is more important.
What I know is I survived as best I could. And truthfully, I feel I did a bang up job. I have contended that what I do remember is awful - what I don't remember is worse...why open that can of worms. If I had been offered therapy when I was 14, 18, even 30...it might have made a difference. I learned to put stuff away and move on. Might not be in psychology 101 textbook - but it worked.
No, I am not a model of mental health - who the heck is? Shoot, life is tough. It is what we do with LOVE that matters! I have known LOVE! That is it! That matters! Not what some A'hole did to me, or took from me - what replaced the pain, what filled the gaps...LOVE! And with love, HOPE, and with hope FAITH! That is what matters.
My life has meaning because of the people who LOVE me and the people I LOVE. My life has meaning because I overcame stuff. Overachieved - BS! I achieved everything I could! It wasn't a stretch - it was destiny.
I had plans to blast everyone. Put on my defense. I wanted to rip apart the stories, lies, exaggerations. I wanted to prove I was right and they were wrong. That is not me. Forgiveness was the only tool enabling me. Had I not forgiven those who stole my childhood I never would have become a teenager. Without forgiving those who took my idyllic youth - anger would have finished me off. If I did not look forward, If I only looked back - my fuel would have consumed me in a ball of fire, anger, regret, and shame.
LOVE...it sounds too simple - especially in light of how complex I am. A life with so many layers of degradation, failure, pain, loss, and regret cannot be set aside merely because I know LOVE. Why not? Why can I not tell you what I know as truth - I am LOVED. I have been LOVED since the moment I was born. While that moment is marred in such a tragic loss, I did not kill Eva. My birth did not take her from this Earth. Indeed starting out with 2 strikes, well, that stinks. But you see, I didn't know it stunk. I knew LOVE.
When my childish innocence was shattered by truth - it changed me but it didn't break me. I thought it did. I have relived that moment so many times. Felt shame, shock, sorrow, regret...I owned Eva's death. Wasn't I suppose to? In doing so I freed others from regret and responsibility. God gave me these broad shoulders. He told me I was going to need them.
Just a few minutes old. I was already LOVED! That matters! Thus I meandered through my days and nights oblivious to how destroyed I should be. Yes, my goal was perfection. Be the perfect daughter, sister, friend, Aunt, Cousin, Granddaughter, student, athlete, teacher, writer - Yup that is exhausting! (ironic considering how little I sleep) That was destiny as brick by brick the road I travelled was set in place. No more could I change my need for perfection than I could the color of my eyes.
Nope, never achieved perfection. I did my best. It was not always good enough, it was my best. I stink when it comes to sending cards, remembering birthdays, anniversaries...I forget to call. If you need me though I am there.
Judgment is not mine. I believe everyone does their best. We all fall short - but that is not failure. It is humanity. It is what pushes us, stretches us, helps us grow. It is what makes us strong, humble, and hungry! We don't need judgment we need understanding. Compassion people - forgive and be of compassion. Speak with humility knowing how flawed each of us can be. Then celebrate with laughter knowing how we need one another so very much. We need LOVE!
Why is today the day? I wonder. No, I don't have the answer. I don't know what stone turned, or what neuron clicked. I have spent a lot of time deep in my own thoughts. I don't recommend it. Matters not how many times I look ugly in the face - it remains ugly. No answer nor understanding will change that truth. This is what I believed for my whole life. It is how I thrived. Maybe it isn't for everyone - perhaps it is not the "right" way to go about living - I don't know. I do know those I LOVE and those who LOVE me - we are the better for that! That matters.
Yes, things trigger flashbacks. Difficult to control but we manage. Have I failed today because of stolen pieces - yup. Will I fail again - sure. I will learn and move on. Not make the same mistake twice - be better. Be the best me I can.
Some will shake their heads; "Poor poor Lisa, she is resting her case on LOVE. Will she never learn."
"Hope not." is my reply.
I HOPE I never forget LOVE'S power. I HOPE I never forget LOVE'S gifts. I PRAY I never turn LOVE away in fear of loss. And I certainly BELIEVE with LOVE all things are possible.
Go ahead call me naïve. Tell me how my poetic, romantic notion of LOVE conquering all is BS! That is just fine. It works for me. Though I bear some ugly scars. Though I have cried an ocean of tears. Though I have failed a million times...I still BELIEVE in LOVE and HOPE. I still have my FAITH! I am no where near finished. Still a work in progress - I am trying.
Over the past months, there were times I did not believe I could take another breath. I begged God to take me. I tried to end my life. Gosh darn it the sun kept rising. Folks kept LOVING me. No matter how hard I tried to end my miserable existence, that did not come to pass. And I cursed God for my suffering. I screamed at him. In turn he did nothing. He did not answer my prayers. He remained quiet. I punched and kicked, sliced and diced - and he did nothing. Coward, that is what I called him. God was a coward because he would not answer me. No, he is still in silence. I am talking to him, not screaming...maybe he hears a whisper.
Yup, that is today - Life is hard, I am harder. I am strong, LOVE is stronger. Winter sucks! That just is what it is!
Don't know where I am going. Don't know what my next goal is. I have to get through today - given the snow this only means I have to watch hours pass until a new sun rises. It might appear I gave up - man, you've no idea how untrue that is. I have fought with every fiber of my being. Why I am alive, I don't know - I can only surmise; God is not finished with me yet.
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