Sunrise

Each of us is placed upon our road. There are time when paths cross. We get no map and there are no signs, along we go. Each of us does the best we can. At any fork we use the experiences and information we have; then we make the best choice we can. It may end up being the wrong choice, however when we made it, it was the best choice. A lucky few of us have travelled our road with a continous companion. Along the way we have encountered love, of course this always means we have felt loss. Don't get one without the other. There are periods of life when we feel we have gotten it all figured out-of course the next turn will humble us back to reality. I sit here this morning, watching a magnificent sunrise-the moon is setting behind me. I woke up, here is my gift, where will my road take me today. I offer a prayer to those who are lost-may their compass realigned. Shoot my compass is askew & I have a fan y App for that. What I truly pray for is peace. Today I wish each of us to feel this moment of quiet inside our heads-a moment of succinct clarity. Perhaps we can assist one another, offer some support. For no matter what roads we shall walk today no one should walk alone. And if walking alone is the choice for you, I'll be up ahead with a cold refreshing beverage and a snack lest you need a rest. There is hope in each of us. Such unrealized possibilities. Now, which way to the rest room...first things first!

A Sister's Love

We camped at this sight last year and loved it because there were no bears. Bears make us nervous. Well, that was last year...two days ago a bear was sighted and photographed!(why you would stick around to take the pic I'm not so sure). Bit I digress. My sister, knowing our bear apprehensions, slept outside on a chaise lounge, she kept the fire burning thus giving the rest of us some peace of mind. A sister will do this for you; sleep outside and fend off bears. A sister who is not even a great camping fan, who goes camping just because she knows you love to camp. This is my sister! She kept us safe all night and she had breakfast ready this morning. No complaining, no questions, a sisters love is like none other. It comes with no condition. A sister's love brings you fits of anger and absolute peace; she is the person you tell your deepest fear and your grandest dreams-and she then will do all in her owe to quell you fear and bring to fruition your dream. My sister, well she slept outside last night: to give all of us a sense of safety...my mother was right about keeping your sisters close to your heart-

Off To Go Camping...

You know what I enjoy about camping...everything. Campfires entice my poetic soul into deep random thoughts of nothing importance. Sunrise, sunrise when you are camping is the greatest, biggest, smile God can share. I love making food from whatever fixings we brought along. At night, looking at God's artwork - trying to name constellations (though this year I have an App. for that, and while it is against my camping code of ethics to use technology camping, I want to learn the constellations) I like not having to take a shower every day - though my fellow campers may feel differently about that. Knowing I am not going to go anywhere for three days - from tent to chair to picnic table - all that fresh air makes me hungry - I eat all the time when I am camping, I like that! When camping you don't really have to talk, but if you want to you can, and the conversations are often about dreams, hopes, and funny stories - I like to laugh. Hot chocolate out of a white dotted, blue metal camping cup - which by the way - use gloves because it gets hot, well, hot chocolate taste really good when you are camping. I don't eat smores; watching the kids make them, and eat them, marshmallow lips and chocolate faces - laughter, you laugh a lot when camping, and since there are no extraneous noises to dilute the purity of your laughter, well that laughter echos across the hills, and through the trees, camping laughter sings. Oh sure you have to pack and set up and some people are bothered by bugs - all of these things are just more camping gifts. The world, each of our worlds, becomes so hectic, and busy, and we are scrambling to get through a day - when you go camping - the day washes over you like refreshing water, it is invigorating. I try to stay up, after everyone else has gone to bed - just stay up, watching the campfire dance, listening to the flames sing, hearing the coyotes howling in the distance - looking at all the stars I can't name, there is this quintessential moment, just as I am so exhausted my eyes will not remain fully open - when the air around me is chilled and the fire warms me - there is this moment - in that moment my heart fills with hope and my soul fills with spirit - in that moment anything is possible! At that moment I know tomorrow is going to bring me exactly what I need from it. Too bad I can't bottle that moment so I can take a whiff of it for all the other moments, but I hang on to it. I believe in that moment. That moment gives me strength to move forward, and onward, and hopefully closer to the place I am meant to be. Oh, I know camping is not for everyone - that's cool - I just hope everyone has an activity, which produces "that moment" so they too can know, without any doubt the power of love, the beauty of Mother Nature, and the existence of God -

Things My Mother Said...

My mother use to say; "I'll tell you one thing, and it won't be two things." I don't know what that means. I never have. She liked to say; "To make a long story short." My mother never told a short story. Every story meandered across hours, days, months, even years. Each story had a meaning - if you could pay attention long enough you could get the meaning. She was a wise woman. A bartender and hashslinger by trade, she believed it was important to be up to date on politics and sports. She always thought if she could converse with her customers she would get better tips. In reality, it made her a trivial pursuit champion. She knew answers to questions I could not even give a reasonable guess to. My mother would cut my hair because; "Bangs in your eyes will make you cross eyed." "Stop making that face or your face will freeze that way." I liked to wear hats, my mother believed I was going to go bald. at 47 I have really nice hair. OK, she got that one wrong. Sometimes my mother would say; "If  I look at you cross-eyed you cry." I never saw my mother look at anyone cross eyed. Though I will admit to an ease of tears. The most valuable lessons my mother shared with me included; "Keeping the peace." "Don't rock the boat." "Put yourself in their shoes." My mother would do anything for a stranger. Give the coat off her back to someone she saw in need of a coat. We were not rich but she had a stash of cash somewhere, so when I needed new sneakers for basketball, I got them. When I wanted to cover my bedroom walls with black fur she drove me the 60 miles to the mall, went to the fabric store, and would have happily payed the exorbitant amount of money it would have required to cover my walls. When I saw how much black fur costs,(go figure that, black fur material was really expensive) I declined. She would have done it though. When I speak of my mother you should know she chose me to be her daughter. My biological mother died while giving birth to me. I have a biological sister, she was only 1 year old. My biological father, losing his wife, with two infant daughters, well he was lost. My biological grandmother and Aunt wanted to take my sister and I home with them - they lived 6 hours a way and my biological father did not want us that far away - Mommie had two grown sons and a four year old at home - she was the bartender at the bar my biological parents frequented - she and her husband offered to take my sister and I. Isn't that remarkable? So to say I have an affection for my mother is a drastic understatement - I adored her, respected her, worshipped the ground she walked on. I hung on her every movement and her every word. Reckon there is nothing I would not have done for her. When she fell ill she asked me to come home. I was living in California and she asked me to come home. Without hesitation I resigned my job, packed my Hyundai, and with my sister, we drove across the country. For three years I had the privilege of being with my mother. During that time we went through a lot. Doctors who were useless and pains I could not stop. I prayed to God she would get better. Then in her last days, I prayed to God to take her home. Not a day has passed over the last 18 years when I don't think about her, or talk to her, or listen to my memories for her wisdom. My mother said; "Your sisters are the people who will be with you forever, through everything, always stay close with your sisters, no matter what." I'm working on it Mommie. "Not worth a fart in a mitten." She said that a lot - what does that mean? Most people are born into their family. I was given a family. You can never underestimate the power of love.  I don't know if Mommie knew when she took my sister and I in how much turbulence it would bring to her family. I don't know if she knew how much she gave two little girls. I hope she did. In my life, when I am in doubt, I ask myself; "What would Mommie want me to do?" The answer comes to me, and this is what I do. No way I could ever repay her all she gave me. I have three sisters, two brothers, Aunts, Uncles, Nieces, Nephews - all of this because a wise woman, who tended bar, had the biggest heart on Earth. My mother often said; "You never lose what you give away, so give it all." I'm trying Mommie - I am trying!

What does it mean?

Ever notice how two people can read the same book or see the same movie and come away with different perspectives? What does this mean? Are we snowflakes, each unique, and thus our perspectives unique. Or are we all the same with the ability to see things differently? Police say eye witness accounts are not reliable because each witness often provides a different description of the perspective. I reckon we are all shaped by our life experiences and this is what brings forth different perspectives. Some people prefer strawberry jam and others only like grape. Both jams are tasty and serve their complimentary purpose with peanut butter; yet a fan of strawberry jam seldom will give good ole' grape a try. As we are shaped from our experiences, do we then experience the same events differently? My sisters often say I only remember the good stuff. Isn't that the point? Why would I bother to remember the bad stuff? Remembering the bad stuff will not change the bad stuff - I imagine it will only create a bad perspective for me as I view all that I live today. So my rose colored glasses serve a useful purpose. Perhaps, the differences in perspective is no more evident when it comes to politics and the religion. Those who hold a political or religious ideology are not easy to persuade differently. Should never talk politics or religion with those who you wish to remain friends. Countrymen have been fighting thousands of years over political and religious differences - funny, how the US government gets involved in these situations - why would we believe we could change what has been set in place and lived by for thousands of years. If a person is willing to strap bombs to their body, knowing a successful outcome brings about their own death - well, I don't believe this person is likely to say; "Oh, the US has it all figured out for me." In reviewing the world's perspective on the US foreign policy one often hears it is the American arrogance which is most resented. As US citizens we believe we live in the best country in the world. Nothing wrong with that - however, believing that everyone else should live by our code, this is arrogance. It is the diversity of the US population which gives it is strength. It is written in our constitution. Kind of ironic, a country founded on religious freedom and political diversity could have developed into this mono theological ego driven capitalist country. We are not better than anyone. Heck it took us thousands of years to get this far and we have a long way to go. The gap between the haves and the have nots grows wider every day. The middle class is practically invisible. Those who work and work and work, just for a home and a few dollars to send their children to college, see this simple dream evaporate with the greed of others, each day, taking yet another piece of the puzzle. At Wimbledon there was a match which lasted some 11 hours - two days later one of the players was just so exhausted he could not find the strength to play his next match with any intensity. In his post match interview he said he wanted to get away from all things tennis. Tennis is his job. He worked one 11 hour day and now he needs a break. Tell that to the mom who works two jobs for 16 hours a day 6 days a week - I reckon she would like a break from all things; she only makes minimum wage, and still can't pay all the bills. This spoiled athlete wants to go fishing because he worked one 11 hour day. This is the arrogance that annoys me. The nerve of this spoiled man - And Michael Vick's 30th birthday party ended with a shooting. One of his dog fighting buddies was shot - Vick was not there at the time. News reports haven't really let us know if he was at the birthday party at all - He should not have been as his probation forbids contact with any of his dog fighting buddies. If Vick was there, and I hope he wasn't - what a fool - this is the arrogance which brings forth the disdain of others. We give way too much power to athletes and actors or other celebrities. We allow them to influence what we eat, buy, wear, where we vacation - how silly is that? What do these people have? Do they posses some insight the rest of us are not capable of finding - NO! They no nothing of the business of real life as we do - by we I mean the 9 - 5'ers, living paycheck to paycheck - $20,000 in credit card debt and not end in sight. Go ahead and get what you can every person has that right. If you are talented and can use that talent to make a living then you are fortunate - your acting talent does not give you political genius, or religious superiority - act, read your lines, play your role - but keep it real. Some famous people use their fame for good. Most of this the time we don't hear about their good work because they don't want us to. That is cool. Giving should not happen with microphones and television cameras all around. I understand the publicity machine. I understand the need for getting good press. It will help book sales, or box office receipts, but seriously - keep it real people. I don't walk a mile in anyone Else's shoes, so I really try to keep my judgement of others to a minimum, sometimes though a spoiled athlete or actor, they bother me. It bothers me when an athlete, in a post win interview, gives all praise and thanks to God. Good for them for their faith, and whatever peace and strength that faith brings them - however, look around you brother - I think God is busy with things greater than the field goal you kicked to win the Super Bowl. We need to open our hearts and minds to one another. We should look for opportunities which bring us closer; Fear separates. All the fear mongering put out by the government and perpetuated by the news media - it is meant to keep us separate and keep us weak. What would happen if we the people rejected this fear mongering? What power we could yield if we said; "The color of skin, sexual orientation, religious affiliation, political ideology, will not divide us." The we the people would hold all the cards and our government would have to work for us. As it is now we work for them - there is something wrong with that. I think it is supposed to be the other way around.
Differences in perspective, in beliefs, in ideologies - these are our strengths - What does it mean? Heck, I don't know. We are imperfect beings living in an imperfect world, but we can do better. We can make things better! We could help one another. Children should not be starving or dying from malaria, not anywhere in this world. The elderly should not die alone, forgotten. If someone chooses to drop off the grid that is their right. Why don't we take care of our veterans. Why do they have to fight for every tiny benefit? Where is our respect for their service? And why does toothpaste cost so much? Milk? Bread? A box of cereal costs $5.00. That is crazy! In college I lived on Mac and cheese, it was 4 boxes for a dollar. Now it is over a dollar a box. What do college kids eat?

Satisfaction and Celebration

On my bucket list I have complete a Masters in Curriculum & Instruction. Yesterday I completed half of the requirements. It is feel goods! Not like I'm doing a jiggy dance good, however, it is an accomplishment. I am not a young duck. Getting my mind back into the world of being a student has been a challenge. I did it! I feel good about having done it, and by goodness I shall celebrate me! We should celebrate ourselves more. Not just the big things...let's celebrate brushing our teeth. Lets celebrate a hair cut! Hey I changed the oil in my car, good for me! I remembered to get my prescriptions filled - good remembering! Yesterday, I steamed the the floors and they look marvelous - We should celebrate one another. I talked to my best friend yesterday and you know what she is just the best person in the world. She is and I am celebrating her. I am celebrating my sister and my lover and my mother and my daughter and my niece! I am celebrating my friend who will not have movie night until I am 80, but she talks a good game and I will take that. The Mets won yesterday - we are not in first place but we are really close. Most sports pundits picked us to finish last; yes I know I say us, and I don't play for the Mets they are my team and I am a part of them. So, yes WE the Mets won yesterday. Let me celebrate my friend - a beautiful young lady whom I once babysat for and is now a grown-up mommie with two of the most beautiful children I have ever seen, and my Bug A Boo - a beautiful, intelligent, independent, strong, successful woman; Jeez I could not feel more proud! And her Mom - her mom is a pistol, fully loaded and ready to shoot! While I have lost many people I can still celebrate them. I can celebrate them because were it not for them I would not be here. Each person who has known me has shaped me, though I am not perfect, I try - Let's celebrate trying! We don't always succeed but by goodness let us celebrate the act of trying - not fake trying with a lot of noise and attention, but the real trying. The when your by yourself and no one is watching trying - this is what matters. The nights we stay awake pondering how we can do better the next day trying. Life is about celebrating and being satisfied. Changing our perspective so we see that glass as half full. It is a change in perspective - My glass is half full of Mountain Dew, and this is good! When it is less than half full then I know my thirst is quenched, so I am satisfied! See, we can all become the happy fulfilled versions of our best selves if we celebrate what we have, celebrate our satisfactions, and celebrate one another. I celebrate the wonderful woman who has gifted me with her love and chosen me to spend her life with - I am no picnic. She has put up with a lot, and she has hung in there and by goodness everyone should celebrate her - If we are lucky to know we are loved we should be celebrating that. Feeling love gives us strength which allows us to move mountains or lift up golf carts, or tolerate pain, then smile when that time of challenge has past. Heck, let's celebrate those mountains! On the climb up there we should look forward to the beautiful vista which awaits us. All that huffing and puffing only strengthens our hearts. So, yes, mountains - we celebrate you. Poor service at a restaurant, that's a tough one - how can we celebrate poor restaurant service, I'll think of something and get back to you.

Wednesday

Wednesday is a funny day. Here it sits in the middle of the week - Hump Day - it gets us to the other side, closer to Thursday and ultimately Friday - Which is the day we want because most of us want the weekend because we don't work. We spend our time counting time. Doesn't that seem silly? How much time do you think we spend counting time? If we took all the counting time, time, could we not put it to better use? We look forward to the holidays, countdown until Christmas will begin soon; then when Christmas has come and gone we start counting time until Easter, spring break, summer, then fall and Thanksgiving. Some people count time by their birthdays or anniversaries, or their children's birthdays - some people count time in short chunks; breakfast, lunch, dinner. I reckon people who are incarcerated count time in minute chunks - yard time, reading time, release time - that must be some crazy time counting! I am going to stop counting time. After I finish my class tonight I am not going to count the time until school begins in August. August 30th to be exact. I am not going to look on the calendar to find out how many days of actual vacation I have. I won't do it. We need to stop counting time and start living in the moment. Like my dog Zuko. He is just living in the moment. If I am gone one hour or three minutes he greets me with the same enthusiasm. He has not been lying in his kennel counting time until I return - he just celebrates my return. This is what we all need to do. We all need to not mark time by the calendar, we need to mark time by the moments we have and the fun we have and the joy of being. Our existence should not be, "Oh darn a dentist appointment next Tuesday, and the gynecologist again next month, and then school starts." How silly are we. Everyone, throw away your calendars! Just do it! Throw away your calendars, remove the watches from your wrists. You'll get where your supposed to be. Just feel your way. Let go of the time and the time becomes a gift not a burden. Yes, this is my new mantra - Time is a gift. I don't know about you but I like to open my gifts slowly, without ripping the paper - (might be able to rewrap something) so I am going to open my time very slowly and relish, mustard, and ketchup(like catch-up) a little play on words; ha, ha - on the business of living in the moment with Zuko. Just chewing away on his bone. I need a bone to chew on. Off to the kitchen, what can I chew on like a bone while I live in the moment of chewing the bone - Oh, shucks I have to go to class tonight. But I am not going to check the time, when I get there then that is when class begins! Put that in your pipe, but don't light it because there are a lot of bans on pipe smoking. Did they legalize marijuana in California? I was so busy counting down the days until summer vacation I did not get the election results. Who won? Who cares? Do we believe any one politician is different from the next? No, not really. Off to not count time. Whose with me? Surely, someone else will not count time with me. We can start a revolution the likes of which will put time back in its place, on the face of a clock or a watch and out of our heads!

Guardian Angels...

As I was watching the series finale of Saving Grace - Some thoughts found their way into what should be mindless entertainment - What if we have guardian angels? That would be so cool. I wonder if we would have enough faith to believe they were real or just call the cops and take out a restraining order? There have been so many times in my life when I was at the edge of darkness, when someone reached out and saved me. Are they my guardian angels? I don't believe much in evil as a form or being. People do some really mean things. There are acts committed by some and we could categorize them as evil, however, it is difficult for me to just give in to the notion of evil as a being. When there is so much beauty and love in this world, how can evil exist? Having lost so many people, and at such a young age, I reckon I always believed they were my guardian angels. Like my mom or dad, or Little Gram - just up there in heaven looking out for me. What depth of faith would it require to see an actual angel? Then I was thinking about the pain life can cause us. That idea of that which does not kills us makes us stronger...yeah, OK, just as soon learn that lesson some other way. Define stronger - because sometimes I think we just shut off parts of our emotions, or hearts, just to avoid that which isn't killing us. Maybe all of our being doesn't die, but parts of us do. Shucks, I don't know. People say "let go, let God." I am all for it. It just doesn't pay the bills. Oh, I suppose they mean about really big things. Not the minute details of life. Though I cannot abide by parents who do not get medical treatment for a sick child because they believe God will heal their child. God gives us the ability to develop medical treatments to save sick children. So where does that leave miracles? Well, I don't know, not exactly. I believe in miracles. I do. I feel I have been witness to them or party to them in some way. Many a day, if I stop to ponder my own existence, I reckon that I am even here is a miracle. The religious zealots, with all of their fire and brimstone - they judge too much - if we are all from God, made from God and he is a part of us then how can any of us be wrong? We can make bad choices, and we can make wrong decisions, but us, as beings - we cannot be wrong - so what gives them the right to say we are wrong. My years in Catholic School only taught me to fear God. As I grew and reflected and pondered and suffered and survived, slowly these fears dissipated. I began to see God as part of me and I as part of him. I began to believe it was my role to live as Jesus lived. Be kind to others, make the best choices I could, try to leave each person or situation better than when I found it - at the very least, not worse than when I found it. Failed more than I have succeeded, I keep trying to get it right. That is what living is for. Another chance to get it right. Not everyone believes in any of this - I respect that. Way I figure it, if I am wrong than I lived a good life no harm in that - if I am right one day I get to go home and be with Mommie and Daddy Pat, and Little Gram and Scotty, I get to be with the people who have left. I'll meet my biological Mother for the first time. Do you think I should hug her? I have a lot of questions. Do you think God will answer? Or is he like the president - he never answers my letters. I'm not done living yet, so I still have time to figure out some of this stuff. Though I probably won't figure out much, just come up with a bunch more questions. Round and round in my head they go. I need an off button on my mind. Now that would be a useful invention. Time to go to sleep, turn my "thought" button off.

The Power of One

Today, a colleague shared with me the story of my friend who is retiring. On Saturday they had a big shindig (is that a word?) Anyway, they had a big party for her - My colleague told me how students from 20 and 30 years past came to her party to celebrate her. Many shared stories of the impact this one person had on their lives. This is The Power of One. The power of one person to change the life of another, and they another, and they another...it is the ultimate story of "Pay it Forward." It is also a good reason to give teachers more money - we do so much more than we ever get credit for. I'll tell you what? This woman - she is one of a kind. The kind that does not come along very often. The kind I will miss every single day. What she accomplished in her life is so important. She won't be invited to the White House, The Lakers will because they play a game and they won. Big Deal! This woman changed the lives of children, and their lives were better for the one year they spent in her classroom. Her impact made each life better - how incredible is that? Seriously, and I don't do serious very often, but seriously - how many of us can say our life's work will live on forever, forever, and forever - long after we retire or retire, retire - what we accomplished still trickles through the veins of children? That is awe inspiring - she is awe inspiring - Next time you think teachers are overpaid, highly protected, unionized, vacation taking, nummy-nuts - think of my friend, think of the children whose lives she changed - then think how much better our entire world is - then just be quiet because you don't know what you are talking about - The Power of One is amazing...what is cool, really cool - you too can exhibit this power. Just try helping someone, volunteering, being kind, reaching back, paying it forward, I don't know just be nice for a change. We could all do that!

26 years...

On Friday June 18, 2010 I completed my 26th year of teaching students with special needs. Doing anything for 26 years seems unfathomable, especially in today's the grass is always greener world. However, I am one of the lucky ones. I love teaching. I love teaching students with special needs. No two days are the same. The challenges are immense. As far as we have come, moving from trailers hidden on the back of school campuses all the way to actually having classrooms within general ed buildings...wow! For anyone who has not spent 26 years working towards a day when all children were treated equal - such a simple act of having a classroom in a school building, well you probably don't get it. I am tired though, I'll give you that. This thing I do is a never ending fight for equality. NCLB did not take into account children with special needs. It was suppose to but it didn't. Really didn't take into account most children. On paper it looked good - but as they say in sports; that's why you play the games. I don't know who wrote all those words for IDEA and NCLB, I do not believe they have ever taught. If they had they would know that a standardized test is not necessarily the best indicator of a student's abilities. A child's test scores' is not really a good indicator of teacher effectiveness. That my friends is not a quantifiable equation. Every school has good teachers, great teachers, effective teachers, and lousy teachers. It is the teacher in the room, when the door is closed and no one is watching - One of my colleagues retired on Friday. She is a great teacher. She embodies everything a teacher should be. She loves her work, her children, she enjoys her colleagues. The interactions with parents is something she enjoys. She is a rare and special person. I can only aspire to the high standards she has set. I know I will miss her. When the days were getting long I could stop by her room and recharge my batteries. It was her gift to all of us. I don't know how many more years I can teach. Physically my body is giving up on me - emotionally, teaching is exhausting. Every year the children come to school with fewer skills and greater needs. The family is disintegrating. Communities are being disrupted by urban progress. Administrations keep us on schedules, set standards, and hold us to these crazy expectations - which have so little to do with teaching. Teaching requires us to be friend, family, counselor, advocate - we have to be the masters of bartering and working the system just to get the materials we need to teach our lessons. School should be year round. We need more time to teach. Children need more time to learn. This long summer break, which I enjoy every second of - well, it doesn't benefit children. We fall behind countries with fewer resources because we are not willing to put in the work. Of course, like Brett Favre, I should let my body rest and my mind recover before I make drastic decisions about my future. Come August, refreshed, I will no doubt be chomping at the bit waiting to get back to my students, and my school. Every September brings the challenge of "How far can we go?" Not because I am being judged by student progress - don't care about that. It is because I know every day I have the opportunity to make a difference in the life of a child. Not a band aid difference, but a life changing difference. Then once and again - ten fifteen years later - that child will be an adult and show up and say "Thank you." This is why we keep going back. So off to year 27. I'll take the vacation, I need it. When we get back to it I will give it all I can. Some days I will get my butt kicked. Other days we will kick butt! Right now, I am looking forward to rest. A good long sleep, camping, hanging out with nothing to do, finishing a lot of projects - my mind will meander to the fall, mental plans will start to become written ideas, and then more formal plans - not today - today, I am going to watch some baseball, eat some food, enjoy the company of my sister and niece - take a much deserved nap - think about my colleague with jealous thoughts - I won't think about September - ha, I already am. You don't choose teaching, it chooses you.

What We All Need

What we all need is a lesson in kindness...when did it become so normal to be rude, discourteous, aggressive, just plain mean? I don't remember getting the memo - I don't like it. This guy honks his horn, then burns around me on the right side - missing my side mirror by paper thin inches, then he is stopped in front of me at the red light. What was the point? At the grocery store, the lady cuts in front of me - I try to give a little personal space between myself and the person in front of me, this lady figured that space was for her to cut in. She did not look at me so I know she knew she was cutting. It just did not matter. I had ten, maybe twelve items in my cart. She had twenty, maybe twenty-two items in her cart. Though the item count is pointless. Why would a person feel they could just cut in front of another? I don't get it. Kindness is easy. I believe it takes more energy to be mean. It takes more thought to be mean. I am a teacher. We should be kind. I teach children manners, polite responses - today we worked on appropriate eye contact and hand grip during a hand shake. We ate lunch together. Everyone had to wait until each child was served. When I said that, you would have thought I was telling them they could not eat until tomorrow. Isn't that odd. Proper table etiquette ought to be taught at home. It should not be under my job description, but it is. Often the argument against paying teachers more is because we have long summer vacation. That is true. Though I don't believe we should have all that vacation. Our students are falling so far behind the world's populations - we should be in school year round. That is not economical. NOT because teachers are making so much money. Last week I observed a maintenance man take three days to replace a light fixture. He was in the parking lot at 7:00 am. Went to work at 8:20 - stopped working around 1:30. Three days I observed him and his ladder, up there looking at that light fixture. I hope it works.
The waste in my school alone could make Suzie Orman cry. Schools need to be managed by business people who know how to cut the fat and reinvest in the product. The product being our children, the reinvestment is the people who teach them. If you want quality teachers you have to offer a pay that equals the amount of education and training required to become and maintaining a teaching licence. It is a license we have to acquire. It is a license we have to renew. We have Masters Degrees, a lot of teachers have Doctorate Degrees, and we have to attend 150 hours of professional development to renew our license. Sometimes it is free. A lot of times we have to pay. Good teachers, the teachers you would want your child to have, these are the ones who keep educating themselves - An individual with a Doctorate Degree deserves to make 100,000 a year. That is a bottom line. The odds are the person with a Doctoral Degree, who continues to teach 1st grade is teaching first grade because they love to teach. It is that simple. You can complicate it all you want. If your child was going to have an operation wouldn't you want the most qualified Doctor to operate on them? How much does it cost to have a tooth removed? An appendectomy has to run $10,000. That is a one time operation. Education is a life long gift. Don't you want your child to receive that gift from a person whom really wants to give it? My point was kindness. I have to teach kindness to 4th and 5th graders because they don't know how to be kind. When I started in the public school system the Assistant Principal said to me; "Children take kindness for weakness." She was right. When we show kindness children think we are weak and they try every trick in the book.
And children are mean to one another. Why is that? I don't get it. I do get it. Children live at survival level so being kind has no use. You don't have time to consider the feelings of others when your own feelings don't matter. If you are hungry, dirty, sick, or tired; how someone else feels means so damn little. Yeah, teachers deserve more pay. Spend a week in my classroom. I challenge any CEO to spend a week in my classroom. Do what I do - How about you Congresspeople and Senators? Come on down. Spend a week in my classroom and do what I do - teacher, parent, counselor, crisis intervention manager, case manager, family therapist, police, Yeah, come on down I dare you!

What we don't know

What we don't know will hurt us. Ignorance is not bliss. Anyone who believes ignorance is bliss is ignorant. Gasoline prices are predicted to decline by .50 in the next three weeks. What is happening in the next three weeks? School is out - people want to go on vacation; high gas prices keep people home. Funny thing about people staying home so much, they get cranky. They watch the news and read the papers. Then they say, this Democratic president and this Democratic congress, they have not helped me any. Bush had his faults but we could afford a trip to Disneyland. So gas is going down by a whole lot. Who made a deal with the devil? With fall elections the Dems must have happy voters. The republicans are quick to point out the failings of this democratic government and they have failed. However, if everyone has a great summer, all may be forgiven. If all is forgiven the Dems can maintain their control and Obama has a chance at winning a second term. If Republicans win the house and the senate Obama does not have a chance to win a second term. He is a one and done. No one wants to be a one and done - so who made a deal with the devil? What will this period of low gas prices cost us? Ultimately, we are to blame because we consume the gasoline. It is our greedy demand for more which keeps OPEC in charge of our lives - until we lower our need we have no control over our lives. That is the truth. Big cars, big planes, big everything. We want it all super sized. Then when BP has a big oil spill we get all up in arms. Tragic as it is it is our fault. We have changed so little. Where is all the money for solar energy and alternative energy promised us? Where is it? I have not seen it - nor read about it - so what does it mean. It means we are responsible for the deal made with the devil. So, enjoy your summer vacation. Fill up your tank with a big ole' ignorant blissful smile on your face.

I Don't Understand People

I don't understand people, I try, but I don't understand people. Sure, some people speak their truth and walk their talk - but these people are rare. Most of the world is filled with hypocrites. Individuals who would rather complain than do something, people who say, "that is wrong" then engage in a behavior which supports the "wrong" behavior. Who are we to judge anyone for their marriage failures. I don't know what it would be like to live my entire life in front of millions of people. And Tiger Woods has no idea what it is like to scrape bottles and coins together to buy his daughter gym shorts. I can't judge him. I don't have to respect the choices he makes as a golfer or as a person - but I don't know him so I can't judge him. You know who really makes me mad - athletes who have taken PHD's then say it did not help them perform better! Duh, did you see the name? Performance Enhancing. Does not take Einstein to figure that one out. Before testing, Joe Smith averaged 35 homeruns a year, post testing he is averaging 11 - "We moved into a new ballpark." "It's the dead ball era." "Strike zones have been expanded to help pitching." Sorry Mr. Smith you are wrong - Chicks dig the long ball. Baseball as an organization wants you to hit 35 homeruns a year, they don't care if you take ketchup and olive oil - could you just not get caught, or have your body bulge so much your head looks like it was shrunk? That is all baseball wants from you. But I am not judging you. Hey, if they had a Teacher Performance Enhancing Drug I would be the first to take it. If it became illegal and I was caught I would fess up - "Heck ya, I took the drug, I wanted to be a better teacher. Don't you know children our are future." Wouldn't it be easier if people just told the truth. And I know it would be easier if we stopped judging other people. If we could just pause for a single moment and consider how someone else is feeling before we get the gun out to shoot them down. Like when you are at the grocery store and you feel the cashier was rude - and you let it bug you - think a moment; perhaps her child is home sick, or she has lost a loved one, or maybe she is going through a divorce, or her boss is harassing her - or maybe there are 100 places she would rather be than at that grocery store; I reckon we have all felt this way yet we are not willing to allow someone else to feel that way and we take it all personal because they may have been rude to us. Seriously, if the grocery store cashier can ruin your day, you need to examine your life. Maybe, just maybe, we need to accept responsibility for our feelings and our behavior and our own lives - and maybe we need to look at the world through someone else's eyes before we decide they are the rudest, meanest, most useless creature on the planet. I'm just saying.

We Wonder Why

We wonder why we get up and try again. Somehow we expect a different outcome even when we all the factors are the same. We don't want the end to be what it is. We believe this time is different. In the beginning, when it is all new - all is possible. But I think, now, after having started and ended so many times - I think this time I knew there was an expiration date. Even with the knowing of an expiration date - it hurts. Not the same way it would if I had not known it would end one day - it is a loss. As with any loss we grieve, what are those four stages of grieving? Denial, refusal, bargaining, acceptance - I just went right to acceptance.
I figure I have only a few year left to live and I don't want to waste any of this time.
When you get to this point, the point of knowing you have only a few years left to live - time is precious. That appears harsh to other people. Dying is harsh. It sure ain't pretty. But like everything it has an upside, I don't care what people think. I don't have time to worry about paying bills. There is a list of things I want to do, and I plan on doing them. I certainly don't want to spend my final years knee deep in stress and worry. Yes, I want it calm. I want peace. You know what I really want? A jeep, my dog, and the open road. Just travel across the United States, stop and go as I feel. Move around when I want - I think I have been doing the right thing for as long as I can remember. I believe I have looked out for others and been responsible, tried to anyway. I am not perfect and I cannot change all the mistakes - which is the point. I can't change anything that has happened, so with what time I have left I want to control it. I want the time to be mine.
From the beginning of this relationship I said two things were going to happen: 1) You would outgrow me 2) The difference in our ages would catch up with us. I hate it when I am right. It's both a blessing and a curse - being right. Right I am, and the result of being right is losing.
I have been accused for a lack of a romantic bone in my body - this is inaccurate. I am romantic. I just don't believe in fairy tales. Relationships require work, and you have to want the relationship to work. Even when the stars align, the odds are against success. This is limbo right now. Not broken up because no one wants to hurt the other - and breaking up because there are no more solutions and we've just run out of fight. What do you do when you still love one another, yet you cannot be what each other needs? What do you do when you want to spare the other person any pain, yet, pain is the only way to grow. There are no answers here. I don't even know the darned questions. And as much as I promised myself I would not end up here again - here I am again. Except this time I am really tired, and I just want to lie down for a spell. I don't want to hurt anyone - I really don't want to - I fear there is no way to end seven years of tomorrows without someone getting stung. This sucks!