We Wonder Why

We wonder why we get up and try again. Somehow we expect a different outcome even when we all the factors are the same. We don't want the end to be what it is. We believe this time is different. In the beginning, when it is all new - all is possible. But I think, now, after having started and ended so many times - I think this time I knew there was an expiration date. Even with the knowing of an expiration date - it hurts. Not the same way it would if I had not known it would end one day - it is a loss. As with any loss we grieve, what are those four stages of grieving? Denial, refusal, bargaining, acceptance - I just went right to acceptance.
I figure I have only a few year left to live and I don't want to waste any of this time.
When you get to this point, the point of knowing you have only a few years left to live - time is precious. That appears harsh to other people. Dying is harsh. It sure ain't pretty. But like everything it has an upside, I don't care what people think. I don't have time to worry about paying bills. There is a list of things I want to do, and I plan on doing them. I certainly don't want to spend my final years knee deep in stress and worry. Yes, I want it calm. I want peace. You know what I really want? A jeep, my dog, and the open road. Just travel across the United States, stop and go as I feel. Move around when I want - I think I have been doing the right thing for as long as I can remember. I believe I have looked out for others and been responsible, tried to anyway. I am not perfect and I cannot change all the mistakes - which is the point. I can't change anything that has happened, so with what time I have left I want to control it. I want the time to be mine.
From the beginning of this relationship I said two things were going to happen: 1) You would outgrow me 2) The difference in our ages would catch up with us. I hate it when I am right. It's both a blessing and a curse - being right. Right I am, and the result of being right is losing.
I have been accused for a lack of a romantic bone in my body - this is inaccurate. I am romantic. I just don't believe in fairy tales. Relationships require work, and you have to want the relationship to work. Even when the stars align, the odds are against success. This is limbo right now. Not broken up because no one wants to hurt the other - and breaking up because there are no more solutions and we've just run out of fight. What do you do when you still love one another, yet you cannot be what each other needs? What do you do when you want to spare the other person any pain, yet, pain is the only way to grow. There are no answers here. I don't even know the darned questions. And as much as I promised myself I would not end up here again - here I am again. Except this time I am really tired, and I just want to lie down for a spell. I don't want to hurt anyone - I really don't want to - I fear there is no way to end seven years of tomorrows without someone getting stung. This sucks!