Wet Sleeves...

As summer turns to fall, the temperature is a bit low. After 20 years in Cali I am a sissy. Hence the need for long sleeves. There is a problem I have with long sleeves. When I am washing dishes, the sleeves slip down my arm. I try to slide them back up by rubbing my arm across my side, I use my chin, my nose, my forehead. Without fail I become frustrated and there goes my left hand pushing up the right sleeve - Now I am irritated, my right sleeve has a wet spot - I do not like how it feels. Finally I stop washing, dry my hands and properly roll up my sleeves or take of the long sleeved shirt. (cause you know I have on another layer, it is cold) As I finish dishwashing my mind is chastizing me for having not properly rolled up my sleeves before I began. I don't know why I do such things - then what happens? You know, it has happened to you; the dish that slipped out of your hand splashing water onto the front of the sink and you lean against the sink, what happens? The front of your shirt is wet. Ucky feeling. What is worst? Wooden spoons. Putting your hand into the water and touching a wet wooden spoon. Why do we still have wooden spoons. We don't use two rocks to make fire anymore, can't we get rid of wooden spoons. Goodness they give me the heebie jeebies! (is that really a word? I spelled it phonetically, maybe jeebies should start with a "g" geebies. geebies looks more correct)Anyway, I believe all wooden utensils, or utensils with wooden handles should be thrown away. Why can't popsicles have plastic handles.  I love popsicles! I don't like wooden handles. It is a difficult task eating a popsicle ensuring that no part of the stick touch your mouth or your hand - they use to make popsicles with plastic handles. Remember? The handles were the same color as the popsicle and crisscrossed. Oh, and my goodness I could never buy frozen lemonade at Dodger Stadium or Thrifty ice cream - Why? You know why-that stinking wooden whatchamacallit they gave you to eat it with. No way! I will tell the Dr. you may not put that tongue depressor in my mouth. My tongue will not be happy and I will toss my cookies or knock you upside your head. They don't believe you...the first time - they don't try it a second time. We are weird us human beings - nails on a chalkboard, doesn't bother me - the hum of energy saving light bulbs will make me spin. What for one is humorous for another, tortorous. Go to a garage sale to buy "stuff" someone else just wants gone, even for a quarter. Eileen, Frank, and I went to a garage sale. Everything was so cool - we were literally buying things we did not know what they were but they only cost fifty cents - we'll figure out what to do with them later. Or when you come to our garage sale you might buy them for a dollar! Can anyone else feel the ridge in their socks? Or the wrinkles in their sheets? Yes, we homo sapiens are odd ducks. Isn't it grand? 'Cause once you know someone's weak spot, well you have to hit it. Posting victory pictures because your team beat mine - popping out from around the corner shouting "boo", how silly is that - yet it is funny every time. And the laughter from our silliness is wonderful laughter - laughing like a little kid. Elton had it right..."looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid, I'm still standing." When we laugh looking like a little kid we produce endurance so we are true survivors. Laugh like little kids!

And So It Was

Five years ago at 8:03 am I was tossed into a blender - the system, doctors, lawyers, people, they have all had a turn pushing the buttons.  Blend, chop, puree, mince, dice...I am not the same person & my life is way different. Life changes in the blink of an eye. I didn't know, of course we never do, I didn't know a 9 year old boy striking my right leg would make me a plastic figurine in a snow globe. Nor did I know that one eye blink was to change everything. Growing up with "secrets" you become a chameleon - you do anything to remain unnoticed. You are certain that people can see the "ugly" in you. Discovery of the "ugly" would make you a social outcast. Blending into the background is a 24 hour a day job - but you do it. You have to do it. Each of us choose right or left, up or down, early or late; our choices are made as best we can based on the knowledge and ability we posses. Sitting on the outside others may empathize, sympathize, judge, or criticize-if a "secret" gets out, well the people in your life will empathize, sympathize, judge, or criticize. They will also say they understand. It is not possible to understand. Life is truly an "until you walk a mile in my shoes" kind of thing. How many times have you cried because someone you love is hurt? Hundreds, thousands - since becoming the plastic figurine in that snow globe- the love, support, & kindness from my family and friends has been humbling. I don't know what I would have done without love. When someone hit the liquefy button on the blender - someone loved me through the spin. None of us make it anywhere without love. Now I felt guilt. Each time I need something I feel guilty - now I feel my existence is a burden. People worrying about me, doing things for me, supporting me - heck sometimes holding me up completely, for these acts of kindness I feel I am a burden. Logically I know this is not the truth, emotionally, well it is just how I feel. Don't reckon I know what to do to change that. At 49 years old reinventing oneself is a bit of a challenge. One foot in front of the other and remember to breathe. Accept the gifts. When the globe is shook close your eyes and hold on tight. My addiction to pain medicine is predicated upon my desire not to feel pain. That isn't important. Addiction is addiction and very few addictions are healthy. Losing independence, losing your career, losing your family, well losing sucks. Rebuilding will require a lot of hard work - Yup, just in the blink of an eye, that is all it takes. I am the one who takes care of other people. I am the gardener, correction, I was the one who took care of others - I was the gardener. Who I am now, I'll get back to you when the shiny silver snow flakes settle to the bottom of this snow globe.

Will We Ever Learn?

I do not know at what point the "clapper" claps on and we get It. I can tell you I have been at "places" in my life; places-points when I looked around me smiled and thought; hey I made it. You know the moments. You have felt them. You have strutted just a little bit more than usual. And those moments have felt so good we believed in their infinity! Righteously, they do go on forever...we just lose our place. Hit a low point. Some days we forget we are just fabulous! We put our selves on the wrong side of ourselves and life gets twisted and we hit the pavement - thunk! How often do we just stay down? It's easier. Your feeling like "I just want to stay down here . Let someone else be responsible. Let someone else carry the load. I am going to lie here." How long do you stay there? How long? Ah we get up. For the people who don't get up, shame on you! You quit? You cast aside the gift of sunflowers, doggie kisses, the smell of a babies head? You walked out on us. You suck! Lie down for the minute or two it gets better! I didn't say easy I said better!

No, I don't know what "better" looks like. I know how it feels. It feels like a slice of Chicago Style, in Little Italy, San Francisco. It feels like the chills seeing Trish on GLEE! It feels like my arms aching to hold all my babies. It feels like a summer cottage worth more than any million dollar lodge! Right now though-I have hit hard. I will get up...this is me, I always get up! I am tired. Too many people to worry about. Sitting here in this hospital bed wondering what I am doing to piss off the floor staff? How can I fix it? We are all on this big teeter-totter....what you need on one side-what you can give on the other--How are we going to keep that piece of wood level? Alright people, we need a plan here. We need to figure this out! 

It Is Time!

Chuckling to myself as the clock strikes exactly 3:00 am on Thursday September 13, 2012. Those are questions doctors will ask me in the morning. By days end I will be a big ball of frustration, guilt, anger, and forgiveness. I must forgive myself for the anger - no one at the hospital wants my life miserable; but I have played this role before...right down to the hospital is so full we only have one sort of room on maternity. Great place for mommies & babies. When you have pain on this floor they offer Tylenol. The child/mother bonding nurse-nice young lady she admits to not knowing about Percocet, Valium, Zoloft...what are these for? Innocently she asks because she really does want to help. I know the props, the prep, the lines...I know the darn ending - complicated many factors to be considered - a lot of pieces hard to put together...contact your primary---don't have one because no one I have contacted is taking new patients...or my history is a bit complicated---urgent care says get a Rheumotologist in the greater northern NY area there is one Rheumotologist. We did not hit it off, he doesn't believe he has room for me right now ---------- only rheumy for counties around & I scared him off because he felt my manner was"mean" are we in kindergarten?No I. Don't know, but it is time! There must be one doctor on this continent with curiosity of a cat! You know the one who took things apart just to see what makes it tick?  Why won't they just give me the meds pharmaceutical companies made so I would not have to suffer? That is a no brainier! I do not know how I will ever repay the gifts of family and friends - I am carrying the Catholic, Jewish, & Protestant guilt, it has just been too long, too much, too many have sacrifed for me & it is time for me to cowgirl up I believe it is time I find a little room for Zuko & I. I can't do it anymore. Spend so much time feeling guilty an worrying how my health is taking away from the people I love most - and they want to...I am so blessed cause these people, I don't know what they see in me-don't get me wrong I am glad they see it -think my dad would trip over to BTV if he heard I was in hospital. Finally that really doesn't matter; still I am not a misery doesn't love company. With the Internet we are more connected than ever. Zuko & I will find the place we are suppose to be; we will be safe-live on the cheap would manage.  That is the next step on this life's ladder and up it I must travel  its cool though I'll keep my feet back under me and away we'll go. 4:00am now - morning blood draws from Drs. Office orders...shucks none there for me, makes for a confusing morning. I sure hope we make it home in time to watch GLEE, Trish is going to be on it-isn't that great?!!!!!! The times have turned & we have all been here & there - those moments in time y'all with share with next crew @ pre-school, &Mommie & me movies, and bring your Dad to work, and the Emmy, Golden Globe People's Choice. How sweet we came around that corner together! Thanks for bringing me on for the ride.