And So It Was

Five years ago at 8:03 am I was tossed into a blender - the system, doctors, lawyers, people, they have all had a turn pushing the buttons.  Blend, chop, puree, mince, dice...I am not the same person & my life is way different. Life changes in the blink of an eye. I didn't know, of course we never do, I didn't know a 9 year old boy striking my right leg would make me a plastic figurine in a snow globe. Nor did I know that one eye blink was to change everything. Growing up with "secrets" you become a chameleon - you do anything to remain unnoticed. You are certain that people can see the "ugly" in you. Discovery of the "ugly" would make you a social outcast. Blending into the background is a 24 hour a day job - but you do it. You have to do it. Each of us choose right or left, up or down, early or late; our choices are made as best we can based on the knowledge and ability we posses. Sitting on the outside others may empathize, sympathize, judge, or criticize-if a "secret" gets out, well the people in your life will empathize, sympathize, judge, or criticize. They will also say they understand. It is not possible to understand. Life is truly an "until you walk a mile in my shoes" kind of thing. How many times have you cried because someone you love is hurt? Hundreds, thousands - since becoming the plastic figurine in that snow globe- the love, support, & kindness from my family and friends has been humbling. I don't know what I would have done without love. When someone hit the liquefy button on the blender - someone loved me through the spin. None of us make it anywhere without love. Now I felt guilt. Each time I need something I feel guilty - now I feel my existence is a burden. People worrying about me, doing things for me, supporting me - heck sometimes holding me up completely, for these acts of kindness I feel I am a burden. Logically I know this is not the truth, emotionally, well it is just how I feel. Don't reckon I know what to do to change that. At 49 years old reinventing oneself is a bit of a challenge. One foot in front of the other and remember to breathe. Accept the gifts. When the globe is shook close your eyes and hold on tight. My addiction to pain medicine is predicated upon my desire not to feel pain. That isn't important. Addiction is addiction and very few addictions are healthy. Losing independence, losing your career, losing your family, well losing sucks. Rebuilding will require a lot of hard work - Yup, just in the blink of an eye, that is all it takes. I am the one who takes care of other people. I am the gardener, correction, I was the one who took care of others - I was the gardener. Who I am now, I'll get back to you when the shiny silver snow flakes settle to the bottom of this snow globe.