It Is Time!

Chuckling to myself as the clock strikes exactly 3:00 am on Thursday September 13, 2012. Those are questions doctors will ask me in the morning. By days end I will be a big ball of frustration, guilt, anger, and forgiveness. I must forgive myself for the anger - no one at the hospital wants my life miserable; but I have played this role before...right down to the hospital is so full we only have one sort of room on maternity. Great place for mommies & babies. When you have pain on this floor they offer Tylenol. The child/mother bonding nurse-nice young lady she admits to not knowing about Percocet, Valium, Zoloft...what are these for? Innocently she asks because she really does want to help. I know the props, the prep, the lines...I know the darn ending - complicated many factors to be considered - a lot of pieces hard to put together...contact your primary---don't have one because no one I have contacted is taking new patients...or my history is a bit complicated---urgent care says get a Rheumotologist in the greater northern NY area there is one Rheumotologist. We did not hit it off, he doesn't believe he has room for me right now ---------- only rheumy for counties around & I scared him off because he felt my manner was"mean" are we in kindergarten?No I. Don't know, but it is time! There must be one doctor on this continent with curiosity of a cat! You know the one who took things apart just to see what makes it tick?  Why won't they just give me the meds pharmaceutical companies made so I would not have to suffer? That is a no brainier! I do not know how I will ever repay the gifts of family and friends - I am carrying the Catholic, Jewish, & Protestant guilt, it has just been too long, too much, too many have sacrifed for me & it is time for me to cowgirl up I believe it is time I find a little room for Zuko & I. I can't do it anymore. Spend so much time feeling guilty an worrying how my health is taking away from the people I love most - and they want to...I am so blessed cause these people, I don't know what they see in me-don't get me wrong I am glad they see it -think my dad would trip over to BTV if he heard I was in hospital. Finally that really doesn't matter; still I am not a misery doesn't love company. With the Internet we are more connected than ever. Zuko & I will find the place we are suppose to be; we will be safe-live on the cheap would manage.  That is the next step on this life's ladder and up it I must travel  its cool though I'll keep my feet back under me and away we'll go. 4:00am now - morning blood draws from Drs. Office orders...shucks none there for me, makes for a confusing morning. I sure hope we make it home in time to watch GLEE, Trish is going to be on it-isn't that great?!!!!!! The times have turned & we have all been here & there - those moments in time y'all with share with next crew @ pre-school, &Mommie & me movies, and bring your Dad to work, and the Emmy, Golden Globe People's Choice. How sweet we came around that corner together! Thanks for bringing me on for the ride.