I told Eileen one day I felt like Jim Carey in The Truman Show. I lived 20 years with all the world watching. One day I walked out into that fake water and felt the plywood that had for so long contained me. Don't reckon my life was idyllic as Mr. Carey's. It was damn close. I did not choose to discover my plywood make believe existence. I was happy. Alas, things seldom go as we plan.
Then last night I was thinking about those Russian dolls, you open one and there is another, and so on. I have been opening shell after shell hoping to find my core. I don't think I have found it yet - but I have not given up.
I never understood God's plan for me. He has not responded to my request. Where I am now - well I am not content here. I have wonderful friends and a support group like none other but my soul needs to move. Am I running away? I don't know. Running away from what? I am searching, praying, begging to find the place I am to be. I certainly wish to fulfill God's plan for me - it sometimes is darn difficult.
I miss my life and I miss me. I need to seek both. I am not this person paralyzed by fear and anxiety. I am not weak or naïve. I am intelligent, funny, alive! I am a good time. Maybe behind the plywood walls I can find that person again.
I have one more go in me. Summoning up one more attempt to get myself back to myself. I know I have to move. I have to be moving. I believed here was the place. My heart yearned to be here - and then it didn't. I guess you truly cannot go home again.
So, when the weather breaks Zuko and I will hit the road. Heading first to North Carolina for my nieces' college graduation. Check it out. See if NC has room for me. I am also going to LA. Donald's wedding, Em's birthday, some students graduating from HS.
I do not know if I fit in LA anymore. It could be like Malone too manyghosts. I guess we will wait and see.
It is funny, not ha ha funny, just peculiar funny - since I was a wee bitty thing I had a plan, direction, path. Now, my ship is without a rudder. When all the walls are knocked down or all the dolls opened - perhaps in there I will be. Wouldn't that be grand!
As much as I ask "don't worry about me." If you love me you are going to worry. Maybe Hawaii is my land of enchantment.
I know I am not a bad person. I have made mistakes. I do not deserve judgement, or ridicule. No one can say I did not take care of my family. No one can say I am not a loyal friend. Life threw me the dang change up and I missed it by a mile. I would give anything to have another swing.
We don't get mulligans, not in life. All we can do is pick up, dust off, and move forward - sometimes not knowing where forward is going to take us. I want me back. With alterations and a few stitches here and there I believe I am salvageable. I believe I still have purpose and meaning; I believe I still have something to offer this world.
So love me or not. Support me or be quiet. I beat myself up enough - don't need anyone else adding more blows. There are parts of my life I must accept and let go. I will. Damn it hurts. I can't move forward until I let go of these pasts. I have had more than one.
I will keep you posted. Pray for me. Know for certain, no matter where I am or what I am doing; I am doing the very best I can. I am trying with all my might. I do so with humility and gratitude - but I do so!
