Tapestry

     For those of us with a few miles on our tires Tapestry means either the material we covered our dorm room walls with or the title of a Carol King album. You remember albums. Big pieces of oval vinyl. Played on a record machine with a needle that scratched out the song lyrics. Was a time when Best Album Cover earned a Grammy Award. Not so much anymore. We download music. We no longer carefully remove an album from its cover- holding only edge and middle-gingerly placing on a record player, moving the needle onto vinyl...scratch, scratch, then music.
     My first album was Boston's self titled Boston. I put it on layaway at the beginning of one summer along with a kicking stereo complete with 8 track player. Once a week we would go to K-Mart where I would add $2 or $3 dollars onto my layaway. Then one day it was all mine. Very cool!
     In life we create tapestries. Subscribing to the belief our lives move in 20 year circles (you can tell how old a tree is by its rings; similarly you can how old a person is by the number of tapestries life has helped they create)
      Approximately every 20 years events in our life will dramatically change. These events signifying completion of a tapestry. Though there are threads from which our next tapestry is sewn.
     Those of us so blessed have some threads which are visible in all of our tapestries. Beautiful people who have held us in their love from one 20 year circle to the next. The hue and texture of their thread is constant. It adds color and depth to our tapestries. The more threads woven into each tapestry, the more blessings bestowed on us.
     Conclusion of any 20 year period typically brings a time of reflection. We evaluate and assess where we are. Where we want to go. It is not always an easy transition. Having sewn a beautiful, colorful, rich, deep tapestry we are want to leave it. Though we don't leave it. We merely take it off our life's wall. Wash and iron it. Then place our tapestry in a safe place. The future may dictate need for that tapestry. Time may come when only a certain tapestry is warm enough to see us through the cold winds of change.
     They are magnificent. Each tapestry sewn from love we have received, love we have given, our careers, our dreams, our faith, our bumps and bruises, our failures, our hopes - each tapestry is a complete picture of who we were during that 20 year period. Our tapestries will have those common threads - threads representing unfulfilled dreams, unresolved issues, unfinished business - more importantly those common threads help keep us connected. They help keep us grounded.
     We, as a people, are more alike than different. We have similar needs...to be loved and to know love. To dream, know fulfillment of our dreams. To need and be needed. To succeed, move beyond our failures, taste victory.
    Too often we forget how alike we are. Too often it takes tragedy to remind us how much we need one another. We forget how much we can do for one another. Life is so hectic. People are so busy. Many folks live from day to day - food and shelter are their priorities - dreams are for others. Reckon we fail each other when we don't reach out - safe in our boxes, wrapped in our tapestry we can forget the spools of thread God has given us - we forget to stitch a hole in someone else's tapestry.
     If you start with the year you were born, count off 20 years - probably arrive around end of HS into college, or into job world. Perhaps marriage and children -We finish our first tapestry, bring some threads with us, and begin our next.
    Shel Silverstein wrote "There are no happy endings; only happy middles and gentle starts." (I may have messed up the last part of that) Nope, endings are not happy; beginnings on the other hand are exciting, invigorating - starting a new tapestry gives us opportunity to change our mistakes, grant forgiveness to others, forgive ourselves, rewrite our story, change threads in our tapestry - beginnings give us hope. And y'all know with hope any ole' thing is possible.
    So, sometime over (how appropriate, coincidence actually) this Memorial Day weekend take a look in your tapestry drawer. Touch textures, look at colors, find threads from those tapestries which seamlessly helped begin your current tapestry; then close the drawer. Hug someone you love, offer a prayer for those who are already home, thank someone who may not know how much their contribution means to your life's tapestry, then open a cold one(soda, beer, wine, malt neat) toast yourself for you are a beautiful thread I see woven in so many of my life tapestries'(if you read my blog reckon I know for certain you love me or are at least amused by me - it's all good.)
     Yes, hold true your memories - then set your sights on your future, on your "gentle beginnings and happy middles." If you keep reading I will keep writing, offer you some of this thread God has blessed me with. Humbled and honored to have a place in your Tapestry. Thank you for reading.

PS: Izzy

     Wanted to give a shout out to my girl Izzy. Thanks for reading. I'm still dancing! See you soon.

Are You Kidding?

     New segment here on the blog - Are You Kidding? Exploring current events and headlines - then ripping them to shreds(OK, not ripping anything). Headlines will fall into five categories;
            1) old 'school props (OSP) - acknowledge positives out there because there is more good than bad
            2) wiley veteran move (WVM) - favorite expression from my Mr. Brown; zigging when you should!
            2) nummy-nut (NN) - foolish yet harmless, silly yet harmless, head scratching yet harmless
            3) no way (NW) - foolish but should know better
            4) just plain wrong (JPW) - self explanatory
            5) are you kidding? (AYK) - wrong, foolish, stupid, beyond head scratching

     For our first installment of "Are You Kidding?" let us examine the levels of the Baylor basketball web.
     Britney Briner or Griner - girl let me tell you one thing and it won't be two things (mommie's phrase). Genetics gave you height, God gave you athleticism - you worked with these gifts, made yourself a good basketball player. These gifts allowed you a top notch education at Baylor University. You are drafted #1 into the WNBA (also a gift, forged from the sacrifices of women who were ostracized, criticized, stigmatized. Women who dared dream of playing a game they love. The WNBA exists because other women paid their way through college(no scholarships before
Title IX). Women who had to prove they were straight not deny they were gay. Women who had to hide their love, their lives for fear of repercussions.
     Mularkey asked you to hide your sexuality - MULARKEY(isn't it ironic the coaches name is Mularkey(sp)?) Only folks living under rocks believe there are no female basketball players who happen to be gay. Only ignorant folks believe there are no male basketball players who happen to be gay. 10% darling! 10% of the human race is gay! A basketball team typically holds 12 players - one of y'all is gay.
     Baylor is a top notch university. Mularkey an up and coming coach. She knew signing you was her ticket to Pat Summitville. Geno Aurimeatown! She risked her career, her future, her children's future - by telling you to keep your sexuality under your hat? AYK!
     What is the matter with you? No one cares if you are gay or straight. No one cared when you were in college and no one cares now. You can dunk a basketball in a live game! You can dominate with your defense! Don't care who you love - just pray you know love.
     Mularkey, I think that is the coaches name she gets a WVM for her no comment. Dignifying your NN interview by not saying anything. She saved your PR(public relations) butt! That is how you felt your pro-basketball career should begin? Were you missing the headlines? Were you afraid of your success? Little girl have you looked at fans attending a WNBA game? NO ONE is shocked there are some sisters in the crowd. Who do you think is buying the tickets to the games you will play?
     My goodness I know there is still a HUGE amount of bigotry attached to gay/lesbian/transgender folsks. I know fine young men and women commit suicide because they are gay. I know society wants "don't ask, don't tell, don't show." Society gets a big AYK!! We have miles to go before we sleep - we all know that.
     The audacity you have Ms. Briner, what is the matter with you? Creating a controversy where there was not one. You don't advance civil rights of our people by being on the six 0'clock news. You advanced civil rights by being on Sports Center! You are an athlete. You can scream from mountain tops; "I am gay!" Go ahead, feel free - you are free to do that because men and women before you sacrificed.
     ESPN The Magazine JPW - classless! Were subscriptions down? The reporter on this story must be trying to make a name for him/herself. No, I did not even investigate if it was a man or a woman. Did not want to know. Did not need to know. Why? Why create a controversy? What is your point? Did Jayson Williams coming "out" scoop your story?
     It is so heartbreaking, no athlete should deny who they are. As a society we are better than that. Yes, we have made progress. Obama's second inauguration was the first time the word "gay" was used in an inaugural speech. Really? Is that possible? We are better than that.
     10% folks. Plain and simple. Clean and true. If you have 20 folks in your family reckon someone is gay. If you work with 30 people reckon someone is gay. There are people on the train, plane and highway who are gay. Stop the presses! This is bush league foolishness. We are better than this!
     Shame on you Ms. Briner or Griner - shame on you for sensationalizing one aspect of you. One thread of your life quilt that is irrelevant to us. You are one fine basketball player. Your family loves you. Your fans love you. I love to watch you play. Why do you want to be a victim? Doesn't make sense. Given tremendous gifts you have a great education and a professional career doing something your reportedly love. Growing up we could not dream of being professional athletes. We could not DREAM it because there was nothing to dream about. But you, you knew from a young age your God given gifts could get you a great education and a professional career. You could dream it. You achieved it. Enjoy it, savor it, relish in your accomplishments - if you want people to know you also happen to be a lesbian, that is fine. Go out to dinner with your girlfriend/partner/wife. Next year when you win your rookie of the year award, (barring injury) thank your significant other. Right there on prime time television. The camera will pan to her as she wipes a tear from her eye. As she sits there with your family and friends and other athletes. People at home will say; "Oh how sweet she is crying." Yes, some people, the AYK people will write nasty things and protest ESPN, the WNBA, even send you hate mail. That sucks beyond words. Don't give them gasoline. Don't allow ignorance to change who you are. Rise above bigotry and hate.
     Brittney, go on and live a wonderful, happy life. Fill it with friends, family, love and peace. Play basketball, fly a plane, teach, coach, manage a business, own a business. You can do whatever you want - Please, Please, Please
do not use your gifts as a vehicle to celebrity. Don't disrespect the men and women who paved your road. You are better than that - WE are better than that!
    

Apology To The Written Word

     I have been avoiding you. I am sorry. All these years together. I did not abandon you. We have danced, laughed, cried, overcome, and acquiesced. Yes, I have missed you.
     It is just, well, I felt I was failing you. We kept going on the same walk. I was tired. As my friend Lynn said; "I am more than mental illness." I am also more than SLE, industrial accidents, fibro, hypo, post-pituitary. I am a teacher, sister, friend, artists (does writing count as an art?), daughter, cook (albeit amateur), and mother. Whatever the reason we seemed in a rut. Sometimes the best way to escape a rut is try not trying so hard.
     You have been with me. In my thoughts. In my prayers. In my hopes and dreams. You were with me yesterday. Perhaps it was yesterday which helped us escape that rut.
     Last week I invited a new friend for window shopping and lunch. Trying to reach beyond what is safe, comfortable. Given this stinking elbow bicep pain reaching for anything is difficult. However, I did.
      Despite rain and fog we headed to Lake Placid. It is beautiful there. This being the last week before "the season" officially opens it was a good time to go.
      Yes, I held true to form. Thought of 100 reasons I could not go. I did it though. I squashed excuses and went.
     We had a really nice day. Stopping at antique stores, Adirondack stores, even hit a few clothing stores. We had lunch on the patio across from Mirror Lake. The sun broke through creating hot wet towel humidity. No, actually, it was nice being hot.
     When I arrived home (there I said it) I opened a wonderful card from my dear friend Annalee. Showing the card to Eileen I pointed out the perfect penmanship of a third grade teacher.
     At one of the Adirondack stores I found a rug. No, it is more than a rug. It is a quality of life enhancement piece. 5x8, covered with rows of bears and pine trees, soft to touch - Oh, it is splendid. My bear rug - well, it pushed me out of our rut. Then opening Annalee's card; combination of the two boosted my hope for us.
     So many twists and turns we have taken. Often times driven only by emotion - not a safe way to travel. Many times stark, barren, dry - not a way to live. Yes, I understand neither a rug nor a card expel shards of glass. Nor do they replace what we lost.
     They are morsels of hope. Sweet and salty ingredients of what will one day be an amazing meal. We were hungry. Probably bordering on malnourishment. Medicaid was denied. LAUSD benefits denied. Car loan denied. I was beginning to feel there was no point in any of this.
     It does not help when physical pain and distress mix with emotional pain and distress. All put in a blender set on puree. That much squeezing can hurt a girl!
     Oh, yes, I called Dr.'s office today. No, SLE panel was fine. Yup, I feel the same way. We know, mental health issues aside, something is physically wrong. SLE levels being normal was a shock, no it was disappointing. Feel like we are back in 1993 trying to figure out what is wrong. Dr.'s saying it is all depression, grief, anxiety - Eleanor and Renee quietly urging me to keep looking. Wish Eleanor and Renee were here now. Could use a nudge in the right direction.
     No, I have not digested that reality. Not today - maybe tomorrow. I wasn't finished telling you about our "slump buster."
     Placing that rug in the living room was a first step in transforming these institutional white walls into walls where memories can rest. Still 2x4's and drywall, the glare is softer. I suppose it isn't everything - perhaps a band aid, we were bleeding pretty bad. A band aid is a start.
     A deck of cards. This is the image circling in my head. Can you see it? Amazing how often you see me even before I do. Perhaps this time I saw me first.
     Yup, a deck of cards. Each card is a part of me - sister, daughter, mother, friend, teacher, artist, cook, mental illness, industrial accident, (makes me feel like I should put on one of those white hazard suits and a gas mask.) No, I don't reckon I have 52 cards in my deck. No one ever said I was playing with a "full deck." (See, it is OK to laugh at me, at us.)
    There is a wild card. No, I can't tell you what it is. It is the Iron Chef's secret ingredient. Might be as simple as PB&J or as complex as trotters. (pig feet, the Food Network is an excellent channel if you are avoiding yourself.)We both must wait for the Big Reveal!
     No, I don't like waiting anymore than you do - what choice do we have? We will follow up with a GP. See what can be seen. I can't just write it all off as emotional. I don't believe with 100% certainty my mind has created blood blisters, bleeding moles, weight loss, fatigue, muscle weakness, and stupid, stupid, stupid, pain(though Conversion Disorder can lead to seizures, heart attacks, even death - the mind is one powerful muscle) Me too, I wish Dr. Solsky was here. She would investigate physical symptoms, point out emotion symptoms, and make us both feel better. Though she did say there was nothing more she could do for me. I would be lucky to see 50. Not luck I reckon' God's plan is grander than everything else.
     Back to this deck of cards. Outside events shuffle the deck. We don't know which card will be turned. It is the river card. No matter what card is revealed that is the card we play for the day. We can't play every card in our deck - not everyday - too exhausting. (ha, ha, no even if we are not playing with a full deck. I crack me up)
     Yup that is it. Our plan for today. Play the card turned over. Being that we were up Tuesday morning sitting in the bathroom because Zuko feels safe there - thunder and lightning storm; and last night sleep denied us until after 4:30 this morning we are dragging. These arms are practically useless and as much as I am so glad we are back on speaking terms, typing hurts - I will be back. No, not in a week. Maybe later today. We will definitely have Mt. Dew (I don't drink coffee) tomorrow.
     Thank you for being patient with me. Really am sorry I avoided you. I know work needs doing. I know our hands are going to get dirty, our feet cut, our heart pricked; we will get through it, together as we always have. It is what we know. Keep it Simple Stupid! Yeah, we can do that.
    

Smile For The Camera

     Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope and nope! I can't. I spent two days in a deep soul search. Integrating then separating my mind and my body. Deeply exploring physical symptoms and emotional symptoms. Took a lot of work. I did the work. It was important. Very important!
    When I emerged from my meditation I called Dr. Jones, the rheumatologist in Burlington. The nurse said they would fit me in at the end of today. Eileen graciously offered to drive me.
     I knew what my symptoms were physical. The blood blisters on my scalp and face. Skin on my fingers splitting and bleeding. Needle pain shooting down my arms. Numbness in my fingers and toes. Joint pain in hips, knees, elbows, feet. Pounding headache. Weight loss, vomiting, stomach pain, diarrhea -
     Yes, depression hurts. I cry at the drop of a hat.(yet another odd expression. why would a hat dropping make anyone cry?) Feeling overwhelmed, afraid, lost, hopeless. Yes, I know these emotions cause pain and fatigued. Like I said; I spent 48 hours meditating - dissecting.
     Historically, my physical symptoms were related to SLE flaring. Stupid, ugly, frustrating, mean disease! Off to Burlington. My blood pressure was high - probably because the cuff, when tightened brought me to tears.
     Previously Dr. Jones wanted me to get off preds., I did. She wanted me off Nucynta, ( a black box narcotic pain killer Eileen refers to as the "devil drug.") I got off Nucynta. I did call Dr. Jones, 3 times as a matter of fact. Unfortunately cell service here is sketchy. Her nurse was not able to get through when she attempted to call me back. (I have a land line now. (518)319-4040, should anyone need to reach me. Best wait a day or two though, I don't have a phone yet.)
     Like I was saying, historically these physical symptoms indicate a SLE flare. Not fibro, not depression - SLE flare. Not this time. This time it is depression, fibro, nope...I refuse that.
     However, if the anti-DNA double strand is normal and complement levels are normal, and kidney function is normal - well, then I must reexamine a whole lot of stuff I believed about myself.
     Stinking exhausting all of it. I am not able to comprehend all of it. I am an intelligent person. I spent a lot of years integrating, dissecting, rebuilding, distinguishing - man, what is going on? What is happening? It is worse if all of this is fibro and depression. Would much rather have clear cut numbers from a SLE flare. Numbers are clean. They provide clarity.
     The alternative is messy, unclear, no definition, no treatment plan, no beginning, no end - it sucks! Sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks!
     I don't know if I can deal with such a reality. What will it mean? What should I do? Fried chicken this sucks!
     I was working really hard, attempting to prove I wasn't giving in to depression, grief, anxiety - working so hard it made me sick. Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick!
     So, I am not going to do that anymore. I am not going to "smile for the camera." Nope, no more. I am going to stay in my comfy sweats, watch television, nap, eat small bits every few hours - lean on what I know to make my physical self better. No preds. no problem, I will control my environment. I will do what I know how to do hope I can reverse SLE flare.
     What if the numbers don't support my diagnosis? They will. I know the difference. I have heard this song and danced this jig. If I am wrong about this then I don't know anything. I cannot feel this awful.
     We will wait and see. Look and think. Stay tuned for the next episode of; Lisa does not know squat about Lisa.

Looking Without Thinking

     When we are crafting, Eileen and I do a lot of looking and thinking. It is an important step in the creative process. When I am getting through the day I do a lot of looking without thinking.
     Have you ever tried making it through an entire day without thinking? Not as easy as it sounds - even for a natural blonde. (shit blonde as Mommie would say) Should be easier for a natural blonde to exist without thinking. Many events happen during a day which require thinking. Do I sort this pile of dirty clothes into two loads or three? Should I get extra pickles on my sandwich? What kind of cereal do I buy? Important stuff for sure!
     Can I take another breath? Will I survive this flare? These sores breaking out on my scalp - will they heal? When I sign the dissolution of my Partnership with Liz, will that bring closure? I am not eligible for medical, what?
     If I don't take your call it is not because I don't want to talk to you - it is difficult to talk without crying. I do not like to cry. Ya' know it messes my make up and all! Oh, to live without thinking. Better yet to live without feeling.
     I have been writing since, well for as long as I can remember. It is my "process," my walk through, my practice for real life - my friend. Sometimes it is my curse. Or perhaps your curse, if you are one of the six who read my blog. John Edwards has "The Five" I have The Six. He makes millions, I make a difference...not so much.
     Illness looming - no health insurance. I am so far in debt even if I could work I could not pay it all off. Reckon I am at such a point what difference does it make if I rack up another hundred thousand or so. You have to laugh right? Yup, you have to laugh.
     Amy has assured me that I am not crazy. Amy knows me thus I believe her. Scattered, I am scattered. Why can't the system cut me a break? It isn't me. The system chews up many folks. Surviving the system can take up an entire lifetime. Beating the system - well, that is another story. I don't even want to beat the system, just peacefully coexist within it.
     Do you know how blessed I am? I do. As I sit with Zuko peaceful on my side, in this place we shall make our home, in this town that was my home, with these people who are my family - it snowed today! Yikes! Many A'thing to adjust to. And of love - of what filled my heart, my soul, what gave me breath, hope, laughter, peace - of that which shall never be again - of love like that in a rainbow, a flower, a song...sing no more. Swallow hard. Look away. Curse if you can.
     It is what? It is so much. There is a reason. In my bathroom, for the past 20 years or so there is a plaque. Herb's father gave it to me - a piece of wood with Footprints written - you know the footprints in the sand - child asking why when life was the worst, why are there only one set of footprints? Jesus answering; "This is when I carried you." Oh carry me now my sweet Jesus. I give my life to you.
     Yupper, I am blessed. Whether it be Mrs. Murphy bringing a great frying pan, celebrating McKenna's first birthday, a text from Lynn, laughing with Frank, Amy's wise and insightful support, Wanda's call, Eileen's everything - time and time again I am reminded, humbled, astounded, grateful - do not ever doubt the difference you make - the power is the people.
     There are moments when hope just fills me. Moments when normal is just that, normal. Yes, moments of peace. So I know it is possible - I can find "My Place of Peace." Different as it may look I will get there again. Wrap myself in the quilt of love woven this so many years with threads each of you have shared. I will dance again to music created from your voice, and your voice, and your voice - its sweet melody, mellow harmony holding me in a spell so peaceful I fall asleep. Oh, what color what joy what beauty what sound - Oh, can you see it? I can...I will get there. I promise you this - I will return.
    

Everyday

     It is everyday. You cannot let up. You have to work and work and work. One lax moment leads to two lax moments, then three - You have to stay focused and present. In theory it seems easy. As they say that is why you play the game.
     It is not a game. This is your life. No, not life as you imagined it - life the way it is! Didn't expect I would sail from oblivion into a perfect sunrise. That is OK. Didn't expect there was any more room down here. There was.
     I will get up - next week. These next few days I am calling in sick. I am tired. I don't feel good physically or emotionally. Like I said I can no longer differentiate where one begins and one lets off.
     Need not worry. I will get up - again. I will not disappoint you. I will not let the system or my maladies have the last word. I will be better.
     It astonishes me - just makes my head spin - who the heck am I? What do I want to do when I grow up? I am a teacher without a classroom. No, I can't go there - that subject is raw. No scar tissue yet.
     How long will all this take? Shucks if I know. I count my blessings. I feel empowered through love so many of you offer me. If I am quiet and withdrawn, I am only resting a bit. Letting my mind meander to mundane thoughts - rebuilding is hard work.
     Please don't take my absence as a sign I have crawled into a bottle of pain pills. I have not. Down to just taking Percocet - I walk, read, watch the 1 channel television. Though tempting, escape through over medicating retards healing. I want to be better.
     Glimpses of me prior to 8:03 on September 18, 2008 - I see her. You can't sprint all the time. This is a marathon, sometimes coasting has to get you by.
     Pray and keep good thoughts - Somehow I will emerge, I will prevail! I won't disappoint you. I won't disappoint myself. I am tired. I need to rest. That is alright. I can allow myself that.
     Monday I will get back at it. I will fight the good fight. I will win. I can't talk to you, I cry too much. I don't want to cry. Please don't worry - You will anyway. Man, how did I end up here? Should have been Hansel and Gretel, left a trail to find my way back. It is here somewhere.
    Now I lay me down to sleep. I am tired. Find the root and excavate. Monday...I can start digging on Monday. Right now, I need a break from me. Reckon everyone does.
     We don't know do we? We don't know so much of ourselves until we are tested. I failed. Not every test, not every time. What was different? It is a question with no answer - what was different? What broke inside of me? Why? Nope can go there. Not now, not today. Need to get out of my head.
     I am just taking a break. Back at it on Monday. Thank you for your love and support. Hasn't been easy for any of us. I won't let you down.
     I will learn all I can about nervous breakdowns, depression, mental illness - I will learn then I will share what I learned. Perhaps some other person won't have to fall so far - I could be a bridge. I am a teacher - this is who I am.
     Count my blessings, pray, rest - I need to sleep. I am so tired. Who knew being "nuts" was so exhausting.

Yoda Says

     Yoda says; "There is no try, only do or do not." Excellent line. I am doing not. Since signing the lease and moving into my new living quarters I do not.
     It is not fear. Living alone does not scare me. (although last night some nummy-nut walked into my apartment - must be they have not changed the locks) Reality setting in. Here I am. It is so far from the life I envisioned.
     And yes, words echo in my mind; "You will be lucky to make it to 50." That is three months away.
     And yes, Mother's Day is Sunday. It is the one holiday I don't enjoy.
     When I think I have hit "true" bottom something cracks and I fall farther. You can want all you want but you can't make it better. I don't feel good. This time I am not able to distinguish between my physical pain and my emotional pain. How many years I spent integrating my emotions and my body.
     Please be patient with me. Life is heavy right now. It is hard to breathe - to stay present. Never thought I would be this way. I thought I was resilient. I thought a lot of things - just shows to go ya' you never know until you know.
    I will do better tomorrow. Get back on track...today I can only exist.