I have been avoiding you. I am sorry. All these years together. I did not abandon you. We have danced, laughed, cried, overcome, and acquiesced. Yes, I have missed you.
It is just, well, I felt I was failing you. We kept going on the same walk. I was tired. As my friend Lynn said; "I am more than mental illness." I am also more than SLE, industrial accidents, fibro, hypo, post-pituitary. I am a teacher, sister, friend, artists (does writing count as an art?), daughter, cook (albeit amateur), and mother. Whatever the reason we seemed in a rut. Sometimes the best way to escape a rut is try not trying so hard.
You have been with me. In my thoughts. In my prayers. In my hopes and dreams. You were with me yesterday. Perhaps it was yesterday which helped us escape that rut.
Last week I invited a new friend for window shopping and lunch. Trying to reach beyond what is safe, comfortable. Given this stinking elbow bicep pain reaching for anything is difficult. However, I did.
Despite rain and fog we headed to Lake Placid. It is beautiful there. This being the last week before "the season" officially opens it was a good time to go.
Yes, I held true to form. Thought of 100 reasons I could not go. I did it though. I squashed excuses and went.
We had a really nice day. Stopping at antique stores, Adirondack stores, even hit a few clothing stores. We had lunch on the patio across from Mirror Lake. The sun broke through creating hot wet towel humidity. No, actually, it was nice being hot.
When I arrived home (there I said it) I opened a wonderful card from my dear friend Annalee. Showing the card to Eileen I pointed out the perfect penmanship of a third grade teacher.
At one of the Adirondack stores I found a rug. No, it is more than a rug. It is a quality of life enhancement piece. 5x8, covered with rows of bears and pine trees, soft to touch - Oh, it is splendid. My bear rug - well, it pushed me out of our rut. Then opening Annalee's card; combination of the two boosted my hope for us.
So many twists and turns we have taken. Often times driven only by emotion - not a safe way to travel. Many times stark, barren, dry - not a way to live. Yes, I understand neither a rug nor a card expel shards of glass. Nor do they replace what we lost.
They are morsels of hope. Sweet and salty ingredients of what will one day be an amazing meal. We were hungry. Probably bordering on malnourishment. Medicaid was denied. LAUSD benefits denied. Car loan denied. I was beginning to feel there was no point in any of this.
It does not help when physical pain and distress mix with emotional pain and distress. All put in a blender set on puree. That much squeezing can hurt a girl!
Oh, yes, I called Dr.'s office today. No, SLE panel was fine. Yup, I feel the same way. We know, mental health issues aside, something is physically wrong. SLE levels being normal was a shock, no it was disappointing. Feel like we are back in 1993 trying to figure out what is wrong. Dr.'s saying it is all depression, grief, anxiety - Eleanor and Renee quietly urging me to keep looking. Wish Eleanor and Renee were here now. Could use a nudge in the right direction.
No, I have not digested that reality. Not today - maybe tomorrow. I wasn't finished telling you about our "slump buster."
Placing that rug in the living room was a first step in transforming these institutional white walls into walls where memories can rest. Still 2x4's and drywall, the glare is softer. I suppose it isn't everything - perhaps a band aid, we were bleeding pretty bad. A band aid is a start.
A deck of cards. This is the image circling in my head. Can you see it? Amazing how often you see me even before I do. Perhaps this time I saw me first.
Yup, a deck of cards. Each card is a part of me - sister, daughter, mother, friend, teacher, artist, cook, mental illness, industrial accident, (makes me feel like I should put on one of those white hazard suits and a gas mask.) No, I don't reckon I have 52 cards in my deck. No one ever said I was playing with a "full deck." (See, it is OK to laugh at me, at us.)
There is a wild card. No, I can't tell you what it is. It is the Iron Chef's secret ingredient. Might be as simple as PB&J or as complex as trotters. (pig feet, the Food Network is an excellent channel if you are avoiding yourself.)We both must wait for the Big Reveal!
No, I don't like waiting anymore than you do - what choice do we have? We will follow up with a GP. See what can be seen. I can't just write it all off as emotional. I don't believe with 100% certainty my mind has created blood blisters, bleeding moles, weight loss, fatigue, muscle weakness, and stupid, stupid, stupid, pain(though Conversion Disorder can lead to seizures, heart attacks, even death - the mind is one powerful muscle) Me too, I wish Dr. Solsky was here. She would investigate physical symptoms, point out emotion symptoms, and make us both feel better. Though she did say there was nothing more she could do for me. I would be lucky to see 50. Not luck I reckon' God's plan is grander than everything else.
Back to this deck of cards. Outside events shuffle the deck. We don't know which card will be turned. It is the river card. No matter what card is revealed that is the card we play for the day. We can't play every card in our deck - not everyday - too exhausting. (ha, ha, no even if we are not playing with a full deck. I crack me up)
Yup that is it. Our plan for today. Play the card turned over. Being that we were up Tuesday morning sitting in the bathroom because Zuko feels safe there - thunder and lightning storm; and last night sleep denied us until after 4:30 this morning we are dragging. These arms are practically useless and as much as I am so glad we are back on speaking terms, typing hurts - I will be back. No, not in a week. Maybe later today. We will definitely have Mt. Dew (I don't drink coffee) tomorrow.
Thank you for being patient with me. Really am sorry I avoided you. I know work needs doing. I know our hands are going to get dirty, our feet cut, our heart pricked; we will get through it, together as we always have. It is what we know. Keep it Simple Stupid! Yeah, we can do that.
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