Yoda says; "There is no try, only do or do not." Excellent line. I am doing not. Since signing the lease and moving into my new living quarters I do not.
It is not fear. Living alone does not scare me. (although last night some nummy-nut walked into my apartment - must be they have not changed the locks) Reality setting in. Here I am. It is so far from the life I envisioned.
And yes, words echo in my mind; "You will be lucky to make it to 50." That is three months away.
And yes, Mother's Day is Sunday. It is the one holiday I don't enjoy.
When I think I have hit "true" bottom something cracks and I fall farther. You can want all you want but you can't make it better. I don't feel good. This time I am not able to distinguish between my physical pain and my emotional pain. How many years I spent integrating my emotions and my body.
Please be patient with me. Life is heavy right now. It is hard to breathe - to stay present. Never thought I would be this way. I thought I was resilient. I thought a lot of things - just shows to go ya' you never know until you know.
I will do better tomorrow. Get back on track...today I can only exist.
No comments:
Post a Comment