Smile For The Camera

     Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope and nope! I can't. I spent two days in a deep soul search. Integrating then separating my mind and my body. Deeply exploring physical symptoms and emotional symptoms. Took a lot of work. I did the work. It was important. Very important!
    When I emerged from my meditation I called Dr. Jones, the rheumatologist in Burlington. The nurse said they would fit me in at the end of today. Eileen graciously offered to drive me.
     I knew what my symptoms were physical. The blood blisters on my scalp and face. Skin on my fingers splitting and bleeding. Needle pain shooting down my arms. Numbness in my fingers and toes. Joint pain in hips, knees, elbows, feet. Pounding headache. Weight loss, vomiting, stomach pain, diarrhea -
     Yes, depression hurts. I cry at the drop of a hat.(yet another odd expression. why would a hat dropping make anyone cry?) Feeling overwhelmed, afraid, lost, hopeless. Yes, I know these emotions cause pain and fatigued. Like I said; I spent 48 hours meditating - dissecting.
     Historically, my physical symptoms were related to SLE flaring. Stupid, ugly, frustrating, mean disease! Off to Burlington. My blood pressure was high - probably because the cuff, when tightened brought me to tears.
     Previously Dr. Jones wanted me to get off preds., I did. She wanted me off Nucynta, ( a black box narcotic pain killer Eileen refers to as the "devil drug.") I got off Nucynta. I did call Dr. Jones, 3 times as a matter of fact. Unfortunately cell service here is sketchy. Her nurse was not able to get through when she attempted to call me back. (I have a land line now. (518)319-4040, should anyone need to reach me. Best wait a day or two though, I don't have a phone yet.)
     Like I was saying, historically these physical symptoms indicate a SLE flare. Not fibro, not depression - SLE flare. Not this time. This time it is depression, fibro, nope...I refuse that.
     However, if the anti-DNA double strand is normal and complement levels are normal, and kidney function is normal - well, then I must reexamine a whole lot of stuff I believed about myself.
     Stinking exhausting all of it. I am not able to comprehend all of it. I am an intelligent person. I spent a lot of years integrating, dissecting, rebuilding, distinguishing - man, what is going on? What is happening? It is worse if all of this is fibro and depression. Would much rather have clear cut numbers from a SLE flare. Numbers are clean. They provide clarity.
     The alternative is messy, unclear, no definition, no treatment plan, no beginning, no end - it sucks! Sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks!
     I don't know if I can deal with such a reality. What will it mean? What should I do? Fried chicken this sucks!
     I was working really hard, attempting to prove I wasn't giving in to depression, grief, anxiety - working so hard it made me sick. Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick!
     So, I am not going to do that anymore. I am not going to "smile for the camera." Nope, no more. I am going to stay in my comfy sweats, watch television, nap, eat small bits every few hours - lean on what I know to make my physical self better. No preds. no problem, I will control my environment. I will do what I know how to do hope I can reverse SLE flare.
     What if the numbers don't support my diagnosis? They will. I know the difference. I have heard this song and danced this jig. If I am wrong about this then I don't know anything. I cannot feel this awful.
     We will wait and see. Look and think. Stay tuned for the next episode of; Lisa does not know squat about Lisa.