Looking Without Thinking

     When we are crafting, Eileen and I do a lot of looking and thinking. It is an important step in the creative process. When I am getting through the day I do a lot of looking without thinking.
     Have you ever tried making it through an entire day without thinking? Not as easy as it sounds - even for a natural blonde. (shit blonde as Mommie would say) Should be easier for a natural blonde to exist without thinking. Many events happen during a day which require thinking. Do I sort this pile of dirty clothes into two loads or three? Should I get extra pickles on my sandwich? What kind of cereal do I buy? Important stuff for sure!
     Can I take another breath? Will I survive this flare? These sores breaking out on my scalp - will they heal? When I sign the dissolution of my Partnership with Liz, will that bring closure? I am not eligible for medical, what?
     If I don't take your call it is not because I don't want to talk to you - it is difficult to talk without crying. I do not like to cry. Ya' know it messes my make up and all! Oh, to live without thinking. Better yet to live without feeling.
     I have been writing since, well for as long as I can remember. It is my "process," my walk through, my practice for real life - my friend. Sometimes it is my curse. Or perhaps your curse, if you are one of the six who read my blog. John Edwards has "The Five" I have The Six. He makes millions, I make a difference...not so much.
     Illness looming - no health insurance. I am so far in debt even if I could work I could not pay it all off. Reckon I am at such a point what difference does it make if I rack up another hundred thousand or so. You have to laugh right? Yup, you have to laugh.
     Amy has assured me that I am not crazy. Amy knows me thus I believe her. Scattered, I am scattered. Why can't the system cut me a break? It isn't me. The system chews up many folks. Surviving the system can take up an entire lifetime. Beating the system - well, that is another story. I don't even want to beat the system, just peacefully coexist within it.
     Do you know how blessed I am? I do. As I sit with Zuko peaceful on my side, in this place we shall make our home, in this town that was my home, with these people who are my family - it snowed today! Yikes! Many A'thing to adjust to. And of love - of what filled my heart, my soul, what gave me breath, hope, laughter, peace - of that which shall never be again - of love like that in a rainbow, a flower, a song...sing no more. Swallow hard. Look away. Curse if you can.
     It is what? It is so much. There is a reason. In my bathroom, for the past 20 years or so there is a plaque. Herb's father gave it to me - a piece of wood with Footprints written - you know the footprints in the sand - child asking why when life was the worst, why are there only one set of footprints? Jesus answering; "This is when I carried you." Oh carry me now my sweet Jesus. I give my life to you.
     Yupper, I am blessed. Whether it be Mrs. Murphy bringing a great frying pan, celebrating McKenna's first birthday, a text from Lynn, laughing with Frank, Amy's wise and insightful support, Wanda's call, Eileen's everything - time and time again I am reminded, humbled, astounded, grateful - do not ever doubt the difference you make - the power is the people.
     There are moments when hope just fills me. Moments when normal is just that, normal. Yes, moments of peace. So I know it is possible - I can find "My Place of Peace." Different as it may look I will get there again. Wrap myself in the quilt of love woven this so many years with threads each of you have shared. I will dance again to music created from your voice, and your voice, and your voice - its sweet melody, mellow harmony holding me in a spell so peaceful I fall asleep. Oh, what color what joy what beauty what sound - Oh, can you see it? I can...I will get there. I promise you this - I will return.