Haven't Found Me Yet...

So I have been looking for me-the me I was four years ago before everything changed. My wise friend, Shari, says that I need to grieve for what I have lost, what I wish I still had, and for that person I can no longer be. Well, I have cried a billion tears. (seriously, a billion tears) I don't reckon crying is grieving. I do not know exactly what grieving means. In our family we didn't do a lot of grieving. Someone died, we had a wake, funeral, party - then it was on with life, until someone else died. I often wonder if I ever grieved for my birth mother. Can you grieve for someone you never knew? My father did not speak of her. People around town would give me bits and pieces about her. I know she was unhappy, had been unhappy for a long time. I think she died from unhappiness. Hell, what do I know? The me who I was - I was a teacher, I was in love, I became a mother, I played softball, bought a townhouse - I was living the American dream. Turns out the person I was in love with wasn't really in love with me. On her 35th birthday I asked her to marry me. She said no. A smart person would have recognized that as a good time to bail. Ah, but the heart is not always making the smart choice. And there was Emily, my sweet little girl. I never thought I would be a mother, then I was. I loved it! I loved to pick her up from school, listen to her talk about her day, help her with her homework, make supper, get her ready for bed, read to her - children do grow up fast! On Liz's 35th birthday she knew she had no plans on staying with me forever. I sure wish she w0uld have told me. It would have made things a lot easier. Saved a lot of pain, loss, and hurt for everyone. Not a day goes by when I don't miss Emily. Wishing I could hear about her day; she is a freshman in high school. She is smart, kind, she knows about the world - sees beyond being a teenager; she will change the world! So yes, I can't grieve that loss. Even as my eyes well with tears I can't grieve that loss. I believe one day Em will remember how much I love her - one day she will want me in her life. Divorce is ugly when one loses a child. Grieve for the loss of my profession. It sucks! I am desperately trying to find a doctor who can fix me. I want back in the game. I have more to give and more to learn. I miss playing softball. I played team sports since I was 9. Almost made it 40 years. I am having a hard time getting over my anger. From  the moment I was injured at work it has been one clusterfxxx after another. No one did their job right. No one was on my side. Not even my lawyer.  He just wanted to settle. My neck, back, and leg - not a waking moment am I not in pain. Then that nummnut neurosurgeon; "We'll be in and out in 30 minutes." They call it medical practice for a reason - I coded on the table, 6 hours in ICU. They didn't notify my family. I have requested the OR report. No reply. Blinding headaches, falling down, loss of memory, my right eye closes for no reason...this is why I can't grieve. There is no reason for any of this. I paid my dues when I was just a child. I found the love of my life, I became a mother, I had a great job at a wonderful school with the greatest group of people you could ever meet. I don't want to grieve I want to scream! I want to storm into every one of their offices and tell them; "You took away my life." I chuckle, I don't do well with people in authority - Catholic School teaches you fear those in authority, they can send you to hell. Hell, that lesson stuck. The blessings in my life have been plentiful. At times I wonder why God is so good to me. He is not responsible for all of this - he gave us free will. Unfortunately I encountered a bunch of people who choose to better their lives at the expense of others. Yes I know, I do count my blessings - I am grateful for all I have - but don't you just want to punch the smug bastards who toy with our lives like the hat on a Monopoly board, then pull the chance card and you get to go directly to hell.
OK, I have ranted enough. Enough self pity. I truly do not know what my next move will be - but I sure would like to find a corner to stand on, maybe on Beaudry Blvd. hold a sign and sing a jingle. Do you think they would haul me away? Who cares, I have nothing to lose. Perhaps awareness will help someone else. A girl can dream.  Peace out! And be nice to one another -

CHASING ME

I have been lost...five years now I have truly been dust blowing in the wind. Were it not for those who love me I do not know where I would be - I am without my own home, I have over a million dollars in medical bills - I am permanently disabled, unable to receive treatment unless I return to CA. So back to CA I will go - in this process of life - I have been up and down, ran circles around trees, climbed the hills then slid down the other side. It has been laughter and tears. I have felt agony and joy. Each moment left its mark, thus I have learned from my mistakes. In all of it I found I was chasing me - the me who I once was. The me I can no longer be. Thus I grieve the loss of that person. I liked her. She was fun! Always up for an adventure. Ready to take on the world-right all the wrongs. Oh yes she had opinions and she was not afraid to share them. Stubborn as an ox, just as strong. She made a lot of choices for which later she had regret. But she stood by her decisions knowing she did the best she could with the information and tools at hand. She found the love of her life, then she lost her. She became a mother to a beautiful little girl - and guided her, held her, loved her, cheered for her, admired her as that little girl became a young woman - biggest hole in her heart is where her little girl once filled. That me had friends who held her up when she could not stand - loved her when she was really a bitch - stood by her when she was wrong - cheered her success - she was very lucky. Now I am chasing her. Looking for bits and pieces; the good stuff! The good parts of who I was. Trying to be better than I was. Trying to make amends for my wrongs. Rebuild bridges - let go of the past. I have a lot of work to do, Reinventing me. I am sorry for the mistakes. I am sorry for the moments I just gave up. I am sorry I leaned so hard on my friends I broke their backs. I am sorry I was weak and selfish and swam in the self-pity pool. I do not know how I became that me - it is not me. Now I will chase me, and I will catch me. The me who laughs abundantly, loves freely, lives completely. The me you want to be around. I know I am here, that me. I know I will find her - I hope when I do my friends will recognize me, forgive me, love me still! I will work hard to be a better me. A stronger me! A me you would want to be around - a me I would want to be around.
Reckon we don't imagine after 50 years of living we would have to start over - life and its change ups; I am still in the game chasing me -