CHASING ME

I have been lost...five years now I have truly been dust blowing in the wind. Were it not for those who love me I do not know where I would be - I am without my own home, I have over a million dollars in medical bills - I am permanently disabled, unable to receive treatment unless I return to CA. So back to CA I will go - in this process of life - I have been up and down, ran circles around trees, climbed the hills then slid down the other side. It has been laughter and tears. I have felt agony and joy. Each moment left its mark, thus I have learned from my mistakes. In all of it I found I was chasing me - the me who I once was. The me I can no longer be. Thus I grieve the loss of that person. I liked her. She was fun! Always up for an adventure. Ready to take on the world-right all the wrongs. Oh yes she had opinions and she was not afraid to share them. Stubborn as an ox, just as strong. She made a lot of choices for which later she had regret. But she stood by her decisions knowing she did the best she could with the information and tools at hand. She found the love of her life, then she lost her. She became a mother to a beautiful little girl - and guided her, held her, loved her, cheered for her, admired her as that little girl became a young woman - biggest hole in her heart is where her little girl once filled. That me had friends who held her up when she could not stand - loved her when she was really a bitch - stood by her when she was wrong - cheered her success - she was very lucky. Now I am chasing her. Looking for bits and pieces; the good stuff! The good parts of who I was. Trying to be better than I was. Trying to make amends for my wrongs. Rebuild bridges - let go of the past. I have a lot of work to do, Reinventing me. I am sorry for the mistakes. I am sorry for the moments I just gave up. I am sorry I leaned so hard on my friends I broke their backs. I am sorry I was weak and selfish and swam in the self-pity pool. I do not know how I became that me - it is not me. Now I will chase me, and I will catch me. The me who laughs abundantly, loves freely, lives completely. The me you want to be around. I know I am here, that me. I know I will find her - I hope when I do my friends will recognize me, forgive me, love me still! I will work hard to be a better me. A stronger me! A me you would want to be around - a me I would want to be around.
Reckon we don't imagine after 50 years of living we would have to start over - life and its change ups; I am still in the game chasing me -