Don't know what stage of grieving is stage of ANGER. I know it is in there somewhere. ANGER frightens me. ANGER leads to violence. I am opposed to violence. Violence frightens me.
We are socialized to suppress our ANGER. It is not appropriate for a young lady to yell and scream. ANGER has no place in a fine young woman's life. Bull! Seriously, who started that line of thinking?
Swallowed a lot of ANGER in my life. Can't say that got me anywhere. This brings me back to Dixie Chick song; "I am not ready to make nice." This is how I feel. I can't say what it is you want to hear. I cannot be the person you want me to be. My life was turned upside down - no, I don't like it; I am just trying to right the ship.
Funny, as I was writing this right now, Dixie Chicks song started playing on my iPod. I think it has a chip in my brain. Time heals everything. No it doesn't. We heal as far as we are able to. Not everything gets better. Oh sure, things change, people change - circumstances change - but better...NOPE!
This life I am trying to reshape, I will make it absolutely the best life I can. This does not mean that I am not still mad as hell!
Funny how many folks will climb aboard your train when the tracks are clear. Should a derailment occur, see them scurry; or worse yet - watch them push trying to completely knock your car into a ravine.
ANGER is something we all feel. Some folks handle so much better than others. Some just keep swallowing hard and turning the other cheek. Reckon I fall into the latter category. Also reckon it isn't sitting so well, that ball of fire in my belly.
I want to climb a mountain and just shout until I am hoarse. Shout until exhaustion takes me down to my knees. Shout until I can puke out 50 years of anger. I don't do that right? Not me, not Lisa. Maybe who I was before but I am not the same. My soul has not changed - my heart broken, my body failing, betrayals so unthinkable...Mommie said my greatest strength was my faith in the goodness of others. She also said it was my biggest weakness.
I could not imagine people, my people betraying me, because I could not imagine betraying them. Does that make sense? It was implausible. All of it was so beyond my comprehension. Of course Mommie also said I had a good face for radio.
Promises are only words. Words we speak and we mean, until we don't. How often do we just admit that? Hey, look I am sorry I promised you this; I just can't deliver. Fricken A! Just be honest.
No one wants to be the bad guy. No one wants to appear to have bailed. At least when Eileen splayed me across my kitchen it was honest. Better to die by one fell swoop then to slowly bleed out. And here I am - Miss Believe in The Goodness of Others. How many times did y'all think I was just a fool?
I wasn't a fool. I knew. I knew. I knew! I have always known. Most of my life folks have underestimated me. I don't need bright lights and a stage. I don't need a spot light. What is my favorite phrase? Come on you remember; Don't mistake activity for achievement.
I was not fooling myself. No one was pulling the wool over my eyes. ANGER kept me from speaking. ANGER prevented me from putting on a defense. ANGER leads to violence. Keep the peace. This is what Lisa does. She keeps the peace. Lisa serves others. Lisa turns the other cheek.
Well she did. I don't know if she will continue to keep the peace. She might just pick up that snow globe and shake the living day lights out of it! If achievement was not enough, if loyalty was not enough, if compassion, kindness, unconditional love, support...if all of that wasn't enough - perhaps I must resort to activity! If y'all need to see activity I can give it to you. Just be careful what you wish for!
An easy mark. That is what so many of you saw. Beaten, bruised, weakened - that was your chance. Not all started pushing my cart off that rail - some did. Shame on you! Shame on those of you who felt better because you found an out clause in which you were absolved of your promises!
Why do we do that to one another? How can we do that to one another? I don't understand a purposeful action towards destruction of another person's life. I don't understand climbing on someone's back so I can appear taller. Kicking someone when they are down!
ANGER frightens me. ANGER leads to violence. Violence serves no purpose. It is OK to feel ANGER. We need an outlet for our ANGER. Otherwise it just builds up and up and up; then one day we are gook and other stuff just splattered on a wall.
Quick many folks dismissed me. Don't think I did not know! Don't believe I was so far into that darkness that I did not know. You did not play me. Your activity means nothing when compared to my accomplishment. My soul remains as it always was. You compromised your souls. I will pray for you.
Though I am not there yet - I will arrive. Don't know how it will look or where "there" is. Be sure I will find it. When I do be certain I will still believe in the goodness of others. I will still believe love lasts forever. I will still know laughter is a darn good medicine. What I give away I have never lost. Most importantly, I will not have compromised my promises.
ANGER frightens me. Now it is a solid wall I have to get over, around, or through. I will find a way. Though I won't do so with a marching band and dancers putting on a show. There will be no three ring circus to distract you. My achievement will come just as quietly as each promise I made to you. Steadfast and true. Solid and consistent.
ANGER frightens me...not being true to my soul; that scares me much more. Just remember me.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Sum of These Parts
Have you ever heard song by Dixie Chicks; the one written in response to death threats and hate mail their lead singer received after making a political statement during a concert. I do not remember her name. Anyhow, she said something referencing a war for oil. The ensuing response was really amazing. Radio Stations banned Dixie Chicks from play lists. They received death threats. President W. Bush even commented on the comment.
It is not uncommon for an entertainment person to use that platform as a means to express their political beliefs. We all have a right to free speech. So, when an entertainer makes political talk, they have that right.
Pro-athletes do the same thing. Our society places athletes up on pedestals. However, as Charles Barkley once said; "I am no role model. I am professional basketball player, but I am no role model."
We should not place any more value nor react with any greater outrage when someone in the spotlight speaks. It is their right. If we don't agree then we do not have to listen. It is difficult for me to comprehend why, when we take offense at what an athlete says or does everyone seems to freak out. In Dixie Chicks case - don't buy their music.
Money speaks louder than words. I don't buy products made by the Coors Brewing Co. because I do not agree with their political agenda; best way I can respond is spend my money else where. Sure I could write a letter to their president or CEO. A letter read by some intern in the basement. Then logged, shredded, and perhaps receive a auto generated response. Some folks picketed outside Coors headquarters. Ok if that works for you.
We choose what we purchase. As I said earlier; money speaks louder than words. Reckon it might be best way to make a political statement without uttering a single word. One individual, such as myself, my pittance will not make or break any corporation, entertainer, athlete - it is an avenue I can walk down with a sense I am maintaining my political and religious ideology.
Political correctness is too dang exhausting. One day it is ok to use one word, next day it is a slur. Look people in the eye, no avert your eyes - no yellow on Thursdays - yellow is now ok on Thursdays. Who can keep up? Do we need to?
Whatever happened to a simple notion like - let's say - do onto others as you would have done onto you. Or maybe - nothing given is ever lost. We could go with an oldie but a goody - it is nice to share. The energy you put out is returned to you. Others will treat you as you treat them. It really is all the stuff you learned in kindergarten. And we seem so darned lost. This stuff has been drilled into us since we were born. What happens when we get older; how do we just forget everything our Momma's taught us?
Which is bringing me back to my "just be" entry from the other day. Why are we so darned afraid to allow others to "just be?" Why are we so caught up with bigger is better? If we take care of ourselves causing no one else discomfort or harm - well, isn't that alright? Just be who you are where you are. Surround yourself with folks who are equally accepting. Maybe your circle has only two or three people. There is no quota that needs to be reached. Everything we do does not require astounding numbers.
If an athlete, entertainer, politician...any one who has five minutes of fame - if the words coming out of their mouths bother you - don't listen. Just be yourself, just don't listen - don't support corporations whose political or religious agenda's go against your own. Support those who you agree with. Purchase their product; whether it music, beer, fast food restaurant, or game jerseys.
Come on folks we are smarter than this...we are more evolved - we are aren't we? This then brings me to conclusion of today's soapbox meanderings - some of the parts are bent, rusted, worn down - some of the parts are new, resilient, refined. Combined, all of the parts make us go. Some of the parts are not pretty - yet, all of the parts together are beautiful. Some of the parts are rather twisted, yet all of the parts are calm.
This is true for each of us. I think we might be overthinking things. If we exist in kindess, generosity, servitude, spiritualness, treating others as we would ourselves be treated. If we shared our cookies and milk - if we allowed ourselves acceptance of who we are - if we just let us be - just be. Life would be so darn beautiful we would want to get up in the morning. We would make a big fuss about opening this day, this beautiful gift. Just be - I don't know, can we rise to such a level of Zen in which we could just be? Could we become so calm in ourselves we might allow others to just be? Two words might express a state of existence so profoundly peaceful we should have them tattooed on our hand and chant them all the day through.
Just be - it is growing on me.
It is not uncommon for an entertainment person to use that platform as a means to express their political beliefs. We all have a right to free speech. So, when an entertainer makes political talk, they have that right.
Pro-athletes do the same thing. Our society places athletes up on pedestals. However, as Charles Barkley once said; "I am no role model. I am professional basketball player, but I am no role model."
We should not place any more value nor react with any greater outrage when someone in the spotlight speaks. It is their right. If we don't agree then we do not have to listen. It is difficult for me to comprehend why, when we take offense at what an athlete says or does everyone seems to freak out. In Dixie Chicks case - don't buy their music.
Money speaks louder than words. I don't buy products made by the Coors Brewing Co. because I do not agree with their political agenda; best way I can respond is spend my money else where. Sure I could write a letter to their president or CEO. A letter read by some intern in the basement. Then logged, shredded, and perhaps receive a auto generated response. Some folks picketed outside Coors headquarters. Ok if that works for you.
We choose what we purchase. As I said earlier; money speaks louder than words. Reckon it might be best way to make a political statement without uttering a single word. One individual, such as myself, my pittance will not make or break any corporation, entertainer, athlete - it is an avenue I can walk down with a sense I am maintaining my political and religious ideology.
Political correctness is too dang exhausting. One day it is ok to use one word, next day it is a slur. Look people in the eye, no avert your eyes - no yellow on Thursdays - yellow is now ok on Thursdays. Who can keep up? Do we need to?
Whatever happened to a simple notion like - let's say - do onto others as you would have done onto you. Or maybe - nothing given is ever lost. We could go with an oldie but a goody - it is nice to share. The energy you put out is returned to you. Others will treat you as you treat them. It really is all the stuff you learned in kindergarten. And we seem so darned lost. This stuff has been drilled into us since we were born. What happens when we get older; how do we just forget everything our Momma's taught us?
Which is bringing me back to my "just be" entry from the other day. Why are we so darned afraid to allow others to "just be?" Why are we so caught up with bigger is better? If we take care of ourselves causing no one else discomfort or harm - well, isn't that alright? Just be who you are where you are. Surround yourself with folks who are equally accepting. Maybe your circle has only two or three people. There is no quota that needs to be reached. Everything we do does not require astounding numbers.
If an athlete, entertainer, politician...any one who has five minutes of fame - if the words coming out of their mouths bother you - don't listen. Just be yourself, just don't listen - don't support corporations whose political or religious agenda's go against your own. Support those who you agree with. Purchase their product; whether it music, beer, fast food restaurant, or game jerseys.
Come on folks we are smarter than this...we are more evolved - we are aren't we? This then brings me to conclusion of today's soapbox meanderings - some of the parts are bent, rusted, worn down - some of the parts are new, resilient, refined. Combined, all of the parts make us go. Some of the parts are not pretty - yet, all of the parts together are beautiful. Some of the parts are rather twisted, yet all of the parts are calm.
This is true for each of us. I think we might be overthinking things. If we exist in kindess, generosity, servitude, spiritualness, treating others as we would ourselves be treated. If we shared our cookies and milk - if we allowed ourselves acceptance of who we are - if we just let us be - just be. Life would be so darn beautiful we would want to get up in the morning. We would make a big fuss about opening this day, this beautiful gift. Just be - I don't know, can we rise to such a level of Zen in which we could just be? Could we become so calm in ourselves we might allow others to just be? Two words might express a state of existence so profoundly peaceful we should have them tattooed on our hand and chant them all the day through.
Just be - it is growing on me.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Just BE
Let it be - that was a Beetles' song wasn't it? Was pondering this thought yesterday. Actually, watching an episode of Breaking Amish. There are many Amish folks around Malone. Also, down in PA where Rosie and Herbie lived.
Folks who left Amish community and then shunned from their community. A young man in love with a non-Amish woman; she has cancer. Boy's Mother does not like the girl. Father and Mother left Amish community because their children left. The father said; "They are my children I love them no matter what."
It is an interesting show. I find it remarkable that older folks - parents, were willing to walk away from everything in support of their children.
This young man wanted to marry this woman. He went to a pawn shop; traded a homemade Amish quilt for a ring. The girl said no. She could not marry him because she did not know if she was going to live.
His parents, and this woman how unselfish they were.
Then I watched show with all those children, followed by Sister Wives. Not my usual Sunday night but Food Network was all Chopped reruns.
Back to my point - I do have one somewhere up here in my head. We need to accept others for who they are. We need to be just who we are. We really do need to "Let it Be." The woman who had cancer said something about she did not want to be the cause for other people's pain and worry. Of course we cannot control what others feel. It is of this concept though where we have to find a place in ourselves where others can just "be."
This concept is still forming. Like Jello it is just now water and sand. Needs to sit in my head a bit before it congeals into something of substance.
Do you know what I mean though? Loving someone may bring us to a point where we worry about them - however, that worry is ours to carry.
Let us be - it is a good idea. If you are happy, comfortable, content, even just to lazy to move; if you are OK with that then just be that! If you are not hurting anyone; well I reckon you can "BE" whomever you are.
The idea we must go out into this world, strive for a penthouse, top job, CEO - whatever. Why? If you are good with where you are then just stay there. Be what fits you. Don't understand how it came to pass that being who you were was not enough.
The Purpose Driven Life - that is just fine. Our purpose can be self contained. It is just fine to stay put. Moving is good; You don't have to move miles...move 10 steps.
It is just fine!
I don't know - I need to think on this some more. Just seems to me being whomever you are - doing whatever makes your socks jump up and down - Someone has to work at Del Taco. Same as someone has to run Exon Mobil Gasoline.
Would be nice if we all found our bliss. If we knew, truly felt calm by ourselves or if we could be "still" long enough to hear silence.
Folks who left Amish community and then shunned from their community. A young man in love with a non-Amish woman; she has cancer. Boy's Mother does not like the girl. Father and Mother left Amish community because their children left. The father said; "They are my children I love them no matter what."
It is an interesting show. I find it remarkable that older folks - parents, were willing to walk away from everything in support of their children.
This young man wanted to marry this woman. He went to a pawn shop; traded a homemade Amish quilt for a ring. The girl said no. She could not marry him because she did not know if she was going to live.
His parents, and this woman how unselfish they were.
Then I watched show with all those children, followed by Sister Wives. Not my usual Sunday night but Food Network was all Chopped reruns.
Back to my point - I do have one somewhere up here in my head. We need to accept others for who they are. We need to be just who we are. We really do need to "Let it Be." The woman who had cancer said something about she did not want to be the cause for other people's pain and worry. Of course we cannot control what others feel. It is of this concept though where we have to find a place in ourselves where others can just "be."
This concept is still forming. Like Jello it is just now water and sand. Needs to sit in my head a bit before it congeals into something of substance.
Do you know what I mean though? Loving someone may bring us to a point where we worry about them - however, that worry is ours to carry.
Let us be - it is a good idea. If you are happy, comfortable, content, even just to lazy to move; if you are OK with that then just be that! If you are not hurting anyone; well I reckon you can "BE" whomever you are.
The idea we must go out into this world, strive for a penthouse, top job, CEO - whatever. Why? If you are good with where you are then just stay there. Be what fits you. Don't understand how it came to pass that being who you were was not enough.
The Purpose Driven Life - that is just fine. Our purpose can be self contained. It is just fine to stay put. Moving is good; You don't have to move miles...move 10 steps.
It is just fine!
I don't know - I need to think on this some more. Just seems to me being whomever you are - doing whatever makes your socks jump up and down - Someone has to work at Del Taco. Same as someone has to run Exon Mobil Gasoline.
Would be nice if we all found our bliss. If we knew, truly felt calm by ourselves or if we could be "still" long enough to hear silence.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
WHY?
Ever count the number of times "WHY" comes out of your mouth or runs through your head? Toddlers ask "Why" all the time. Sometimes it is cute; "Why is the sky blue?" Sometimes it is utterly frustrating; "Why do I have to eat my peas?" And still there are times when a child's question of "why" opens our eyes to how absolutely amazing our universe is.
Adolescents who ask "why" might bring frustration: "Why can't I go to the party?" "Why do I have to take out the trash?" Man, adolescents have many "why" questions. We adults have no answers.
In days of late, I have witnessed many dear friends having to endure such hardship and trials. One day when Zuko and I were walking I was screaming to God; "WHY?" God did not respond. He doesn't when I scream.
In the course of this day reckon I asked "why" a couple dozen times. For all my asking - I have no answers. Remember that Dianetics dude who wrote a book about why bad things happen to good people - just a by the way - there are several cities here in LA now complete Dianetics campuses. They are everywhere.
He did not know "why" bad things happen to good people anymore than you or I. He, like so many others, found words which offered an out. Here is a map, a guide, a program, which if you follow nothing bad will ever happen to you. We all know this is BS. Life happens! And life sometimes just really is unfair. We don't get the answers. If you are lucky, you have belief in a higher power.
I remember Daddy Pat insisting we go to church. Oh, how I complained. I asked "Why." How many times since being a child I have given thanks to Daddy Pat for taking me to church. My faith, belief in a higher power, belief in heaven - each ritual of Catholicism - how they have comforted me. How this faith blanketed me, kept me warm - safe; during so many cold dark days.
Heck I don't know "why." Right now I have several dear friends who are experiencing hardship and struggles. It seems so arbitrary and unfair - I ask and ask and ask; "WHY?" There are no answers. There is no reason bad things happen to good people. I do not believe in a vengeful God who would send unthinkable suffering to wonderful people.
What does that leave us with? Without any concrete answers our questions are similar to dried dandelions we pick, blow upon, and make wishes. Candles on a birthday cake all blown out, wish kept secret so it may come true. We move forward as best we can. Often filled with frustration because we cannot do anything to change what is happening. Anger because what is happening appears so unfair and we want it to stop.
There does come a moment - a moment I have referred to as finding your "stillness." It is fleeting. It is hard to grasp. Hard to find. Getting to "stillness" requires us to reach out, look within, find a point of focus - "Stillness" comes to us only through hope, faith, and love. Man we have difficulty in getting there. If we can though - if we can just have one minute of "stillness." One moment when an out of control world stops spinning; then we garner enough strength to make it through another day.
Nope, we can ask "why" but we won't know any answers. I don't have any answers - man I wish I did. In lieu of something profound I offer only my soul's words; "Fear Not for you are never alone. This mountain will lead you to a vista so profoundly beautiful it will take your breath away. Tomorrow will arrive. It might suck worse than today. Possible it could be just a bit better. Do not be afraid of your anger. Giving voice to your anger is often a good thing. If you don't move, this too is just fine. Your holding pattern may only be time for your road ahead to be paved so you can travel it more easily. Don't give in and don't give up. Within each of us is a spirit of strength so deep. And I, I write my simple words. Share my simple thoughts. I am with you. I am with you. I am with you."
Tears will fall. Hearts will break. Laughter will ring out. Love will prevail. If only by a thin thread, hang on to HOPE! If you are reading this know you are loved. With love anything is possible. Carry this with you. Carry my heart. Lean on my shoulder. Hold my hand.
My brother, Scotty, so often referred to me as a silly writer of words. He was about doing. Building, seeing a finished product. Accomplishments measured your achievements. I on the other hand believed dreams could be achieved. I believe love really has power. Laughter is the best medicine. I believe in each individual's power to hang on just long enough until the cavalry arrives. I believe my silly words do have a purpose. I believe my simple thoughts can offer something. I believe one day, when Scotty and I hook up again - he will be building and I will be writing. How cool is that?
Adolescents who ask "why" might bring frustration: "Why can't I go to the party?" "Why do I have to take out the trash?" Man, adolescents have many "why" questions. We adults have no answers.
In days of late, I have witnessed many dear friends having to endure such hardship and trials. One day when Zuko and I were walking I was screaming to God; "WHY?" God did not respond. He doesn't when I scream.
In the course of this day reckon I asked "why" a couple dozen times. For all my asking - I have no answers. Remember that Dianetics dude who wrote a book about why bad things happen to good people - just a by the way - there are several cities here in LA now complete Dianetics campuses. They are everywhere.
He did not know "why" bad things happen to good people anymore than you or I. He, like so many others, found words which offered an out. Here is a map, a guide, a program, which if you follow nothing bad will ever happen to you. We all know this is BS. Life happens! And life sometimes just really is unfair. We don't get the answers. If you are lucky, you have belief in a higher power.
I remember Daddy Pat insisting we go to church. Oh, how I complained. I asked "Why." How many times since being a child I have given thanks to Daddy Pat for taking me to church. My faith, belief in a higher power, belief in heaven - each ritual of Catholicism - how they have comforted me. How this faith blanketed me, kept me warm - safe; during so many cold dark days.
Heck I don't know "why." Right now I have several dear friends who are experiencing hardship and struggles. It seems so arbitrary and unfair - I ask and ask and ask; "WHY?" There are no answers. There is no reason bad things happen to good people. I do not believe in a vengeful God who would send unthinkable suffering to wonderful people.
What does that leave us with? Without any concrete answers our questions are similar to dried dandelions we pick, blow upon, and make wishes. Candles on a birthday cake all blown out, wish kept secret so it may come true. We move forward as best we can. Often filled with frustration because we cannot do anything to change what is happening. Anger because what is happening appears so unfair and we want it to stop.
There does come a moment - a moment I have referred to as finding your "stillness." It is fleeting. It is hard to grasp. Hard to find. Getting to "stillness" requires us to reach out, look within, find a point of focus - "Stillness" comes to us only through hope, faith, and love. Man we have difficulty in getting there. If we can though - if we can just have one minute of "stillness." One moment when an out of control world stops spinning; then we garner enough strength to make it through another day.
Nope, we can ask "why" but we won't know any answers. I don't have any answers - man I wish I did. In lieu of something profound I offer only my soul's words; "Fear Not for you are never alone. This mountain will lead you to a vista so profoundly beautiful it will take your breath away. Tomorrow will arrive. It might suck worse than today. Possible it could be just a bit better. Do not be afraid of your anger. Giving voice to your anger is often a good thing. If you don't move, this too is just fine. Your holding pattern may only be time for your road ahead to be paved so you can travel it more easily. Don't give in and don't give up. Within each of us is a spirit of strength so deep. And I, I write my simple words. Share my simple thoughts. I am with you. I am with you. I am with you."
Tears will fall. Hearts will break. Laughter will ring out. Love will prevail. If only by a thin thread, hang on to HOPE! If you are reading this know you are loved. With love anything is possible. Carry this with you. Carry my heart. Lean on my shoulder. Hold my hand.
My brother, Scotty, so often referred to me as a silly writer of words. He was about doing. Building, seeing a finished product. Accomplishments measured your achievements. I on the other hand believed dreams could be achieved. I believe love really has power. Laughter is the best medicine. I believe in each individual's power to hang on just long enough until the cavalry arrives. I believe my silly words do have a purpose. I believe my simple thoughts can offer something. I believe one day, when Scotty and I hook up again - he will be building and I will be writing. How cool is that?
Monday, June 16, 2014
BS
RED - anger, frustration...I do not quite understand this whole affordable health care act. I read all of it - followed proceedings on C-Span (had some down time) Still, after trying brokers, insurance specialist from hospitals, on line sights, searched and searched - NADA!
Finally, today I surrendered to some thing they said was healthcare - I think I have been duped. Tomorrow I will call and cancel it!
Pre-existing conditions were supposed to be eliminated. They are except for when they aren't. All that fine print. Actually, there is no fine print. Some slick, fast talking salesman went so fast - and don't interrupt because they are recording. If you have questions wait until he turns off the recorder. Why can't my questions and his answers be recorded? In and of itself that is a big RED flag!
I need health coverage. It is what it is. Despite the rhetoric spewed across TV screen and written in that entire document. Health care is not affordable, nor is it accessible - well not if you actually need healthcare. If you are young and healthy you have nothing to worry about.
Terms and conditions, pre-existing conditions, major medical, doctors have to bill through hospitals, does not meet requirements of mandatory health coverage; so you still have to pay the tax. You many not have major surgery for 12 months. What is major surgery? Well, actually all surgeries are major. You can stay in hospital for 31 calendar days a year - after that you are on your own. You can see a doctor 3 times a year - after 30 days; or 12 months if your seeing a doctor for a pre-existing condition.
How can I erase 20 years of my life?
Oh, your disabled, well get medicare. Not eligible for medicare because I do not get SSI. I receive disability from California Teacher's Union. In which case I am not eligible for medicare unless I am blind, disabled, or pregnant. What part of I am on disability are they not comprehending?
I am not for government in my life. Don't believe in taxes on necessary items - like food or toothpaste or aspirin. Don't believe government belongs in my home. Don't believe government belongs in my church, nor my church in my government. I follow speed limits because I am a member of humanity. This is the right thing to do. Wearing a seatbelt - if I am fool enough not to, that is my business.
So while the government wants to tell me who I can marry, how much of my money they can have, how much a gallon of gas is going to cost me, and on and on and on - when I turn to them; checkbook in hand to abide by their "affordable health care for everyone." I find out once again, I am not a part of that everyone.
So, onward I go. Move forward. Back to my internet searches and fielding phone calls from crooked brokers who just spew mistruth and twisted truth and half-truths. Wish me a bit of luck.
Finally, today I surrendered to some thing they said was healthcare - I think I have been duped. Tomorrow I will call and cancel it!
Pre-existing conditions were supposed to be eliminated. They are except for when they aren't. All that fine print. Actually, there is no fine print. Some slick, fast talking salesman went so fast - and don't interrupt because they are recording. If you have questions wait until he turns off the recorder. Why can't my questions and his answers be recorded? In and of itself that is a big RED flag!
I need health coverage. It is what it is. Despite the rhetoric spewed across TV screen and written in that entire document. Health care is not affordable, nor is it accessible - well not if you actually need healthcare. If you are young and healthy you have nothing to worry about.
Terms and conditions, pre-existing conditions, major medical, doctors have to bill through hospitals, does not meet requirements of mandatory health coverage; so you still have to pay the tax. You many not have major surgery for 12 months. What is major surgery? Well, actually all surgeries are major. You can stay in hospital for 31 calendar days a year - after that you are on your own. You can see a doctor 3 times a year - after 30 days; or 12 months if your seeing a doctor for a pre-existing condition.
How can I erase 20 years of my life?
Oh, your disabled, well get medicare. Not eligible for medicare because I do not get SSI. I receive disability from California Teacher's Union. In which case I am not eligible for medicare unless I am blind, disabled, or pregnant. What part of I am on disability are they not comprehending?
I am not for government in my life. Don't believe in taxes on necessary items - like food or toothpaste or aspirin. Don't believe government belongs in my home. Don't believe government belongs in my church, nor my church in my government. I follow speed limits because I am a member of humanity. This is the right thing to do. Wearing a seatbelt - if I am fool enough not to, that is my business.
So while the government wants to tell me who I can marry, how much of my money they can have, how much a gallon of gas is going to cost me, and on and on and on - when I turn to them; checkbook in hand to abide by their "affordable health care for everyone." I find out once again, I am not a part of that everyone.
So, onward I go. Move forward. Back to my internet searches and fielding phone calls from crooked brokers who just spew mistruth and twisted truth and half-truths. Wish me a bit of luck.
Friday, June 13, 2014
Teacher Tenure
So many opinions, so little intelligence. Not IQ intelligence - life experience intelligence. I could not go to JPL and build a space shuttle. I could fake the funk; it is a gift. Just would not want to be astronauts on that shuttle.
My friend Chris, a teacher, school principal, and a man of great intelligence - both IQ and life experience. His remarks on this topic were - as usual, spot on.
It is not removing a safety net for poor teachers. That is not what blowing up tenure will do - it is taking away what our grandparents, parents, soldiers, leaders, activists - it is taking away what they fought for.
WalMart is a mega billion dollar business. Offering no protection, health benefits, or competitive salaries. An employee who speaks of unionization is quickly dismissed. Men, women and children working in dress factories right here in downtown LA. Working in deplorable conditions because they are not documented - no laws protect them. Buy your expensive Nike shoes; put aside your conscious when you think someone made them for $.10/hour. How much did you pay for them?
Teaching is not an easy gig. Yes, I know teachers who are artists, actors, writers - teaching affords them the opportunity to earn a living while pursuing their dreams. Isn't that why we all work. Someone once told me;
"Lisa, you come to work, earn your money so you can enjoy all the time when you are not at work. They call it work for a reason."
This person also told me;
"No matter how much you work, how much you give of your soul - they are never going to erect a statue of you in the front yard."
I was meant to teach. It is not what I do it is who I am. In that I am blessed. Not every day was a picnic - but everyday I did have the opportunity to make a difference. Perhaps a difference not noticeable in that day, week, month, or year -
About nine or so years ago I was picking Emily up from school when I heard a deep male voice calling my name;
"Lisa, Lisa, is that you?"
I knew it was a former Tobinworld student because at Tobinworld we were called by our first names. At LAUSD it was last names only. Hesitantly, (some students at Tobinworld were on a thin sheet of ice.)
I turned to see a face I recognized. Shamefully, I am so bad with names - I could not give a name to this face. There he stood. A young man now with five o'clock shadow, strong arms - baby fat gone from his cheeks.
"It's me, William."
Oh shit man, William. He was a success story. Earned his way back to public school. Graduated, married, worked as an after school tutor at Emily's school.
We hugged. William - William would have walked through a brick wall if I had asked him to. In fact, figuratively, I did. I asked him to let go of his neighborhood, leave behind what others said he couldn't do - embrace what he could do - and fly. So maybe he flew over that brick wall.
William had a daughter. Her name was Lisa.
"I named her after you. I told my wife, Lisa was a teacher I had at Tobinworld when my head was all messed up and she helped me see I had a choice."
Choking back tears, I told William.
"All I did buddy was show you a door, you did the work. You built a life you wanted."
"You believed in me when no one else ever had. No grown up had ever said I could be anything but a banger, addict, or welfare taker. You said I could be whatever I wanted."
In truth, not something you should tell a twelve year old who comes from East LA. No dad, Mom in and out - once in while you just know, or feel - or as I still believe - you look into their eyes.
This is a wonderful explanation of a teachers' opportunity. Not one president of IBM may have - CEO or CFO's or other such folks - whose jobs are just as important; They just don't have relationships in manner teachers have with students.
Yes, accountability matters. Every five years teachers have to complete 150 professional development hours then apply for rectification. Every five years for as long as you teach. My bachelors took 4.5 years. My Masters 2 years. And all of those hours of professional development.
Invariably, a school district will buy into the next great curriculum. This means every few years teachers spend copious amounts of time sitting in classrooms, being students, as some company rep reads a teacher's manual to us. Teachers are not always good students.
Any idea how much I spent as a teacher, every year on supplies? Let's say in a five year average - keeping records for tax purposes; $2,000. Tax laws have changed. Now a teacher can claim $250.00 max.
Back to tenure. I have encountered teachers who should be no where near children. Teachers who sat at a desk, read a newspaper, did crosswords, passed out worksheets - And I have worked with teachers that arrived every morning filled with ideas, plans, projects - boiling over waiting for the day to start so they could dive into their plans.
This is true in any profession. If teachers can be fired because student scores are too low, or an administrator has a hate on for them, or a parent does not like them - what does that do for all the other students. Does the classroom door revolve; lets try out this one, no this one, no this one. One thing I can say about good teaching you have to be consistent and structured!
In truth, no one is thinking about effects of changing teachers willy nilly will have on students. Test scores are numbers. Children are not numbers. Personalities clash, doesn't mean teacher is rotten.
The core of our country is based on democracy, innocent until proven guilty, independence, spirit. Any person who dreams of being an artists brings that passion into a classroom where art is no longer taught. Art is important. So, if he doesn't get through the entire 20 minute lesson on the sound of letter "M" BFD! What if he inspires a child to dream of being an artist?
As Chris said, if a teacher is so afraid to express their personality, passions, and free thinking ideas - we generate children who can answer questions, but not ask questions. This is scary! It is only through critical thinking, challenging and questioning from which great ideas can emerge. If we frighten teachers with "get higher test scores or hit the highway" we frighten students. Are our children not under enough pressure? Growing up in today's world is no picnic - Good Lord let them be kids and play dodge ball! Let them know it is OK to fail, teach them resiliency - so when they get out into this world; they can find their way beyond the two blocks around their house. They can ask questions. Seek truths. Think for themselves.
It does not matter if train A left at two and train B left at four - It does matter if our children know they can take train C and go wherever they want!
My friend Chris, a teacher, school principal, and a man of great intelligence - both IQ and life experience. His remarks on this topic were - as usual, spot on.
It is not removing a safety net for poor teachers. That is not what blowing up tenure will do - it is taking away what our grandparents, parents, soldiers, leaders, activists - it is taking away what they fought for.
WalMart is a mega billion dollar business. Offering no protection, health benefits, or competitive salaries. An employee who speaks of unionization is quickly dismissed. Men, women and children working in dress factories right here in downtown LA. Working in deplorable conditions because they are not documented - no laws protect them. Buy your expensive Nike shoes; put aside your conscious when you think someone made them for $.10/hour. How much did you pay for them?
Teaching is not an easy gig. Yes, I know teachers who are artists, actors, writers - teaching affords them the opportunity to earn a living while pursuing their dreams. Isn't that why we all work. Someone once told me;
"Lisa, you come to work, earn your money so you can enjoy all the time when you are not at work. They call it work for a reason."
This person also told me;
"No matter how much you work, how much you give of your soul - they are never going to erect a statue of you in the front yard."
I was meant to teach. It is not what I do it is who I am. In that I am blessed. Not every day was a picnic - but everyday I did have the opportunity to make a difference. Perhaps a difference not noticeable in that day, week, month, or year -
About nine or so years ago I was picking Emily up from school when I heard a deep male voice calling my name;
"Lisa, Lisa, is that you?"
I knew it was a former Tobinworld student because at Tobinworld we were called by our first names. At LAUSD it was last names only. Hesitantly, (some students at Tobinworld were on a thin sheet of ice.)
I turned to see a face I recognized. Shamefully, I am so bad with names - I could not give a name to this face. There he stood. A young man now with five o'clock shadow, strong arms - baby fat gone from his cheeks.
"It's me, William."
Oh shit man, William. He was a success story. Earned his way back to public school. Graduated, married, worked as an after school tutor at Emily's school.
We hugged. William - William would have walked through a brick wall if I had asked him to. In fact, figuratively, I did. I asked him to let go of his neighborhood, leave behind what others said he couldn't do - embrace what he could do - and fly. So maybe he flew over that brick wall.
William had a daughter. Her name was Lisa.
"I named her after you. I told my wife, Lisa was a teacher I had at Tobinworld when my head was all messed up and she helped me see I had a choice."
Choking back tears, I told William.
"All I did buddy was show you a door, you did the work. You built a life you wanted."
"You believed in me when no one else ever had. No grown up had ever said I could be anything but a banger, addict, or welfare taker. You said I could be whatever I wanted."
In truth, not something you should tell a twelve year old who comes from East LA. No dad, Mom in and out - once in while you just know, or feel - or as I still believe - you look into their eyes.
This is a wonderful explanation of a teachers' opportunity. Not one president of IBM may have - CEO or CFO's or other such folks - whose jobs are just as important; They just don't have relationships in manner teachers have with students.
Yes, accountability matters. Every five years teachers have to complete 150 professional development hours then apply for rectification. Every five years for as long as you teach. My bachelors took 4.5 years. My Masters 2 years. And all of those hours of professional development.
Invariably, a school district will buy into the next great curriculum. This means every few years teachers spend copious amounts of time sitting in classrooms, being students, as some company rep reads a teacher's manual to us. Teachers are not always good students.
Any idea how much I spent as a teacher, every year on supplies? Let's say in a five year average - keeping records for tax purposes; $2,000. Tax laws have changed. Now a teacher can claim $250.00 max.
Back to tenure. I have encountered teachers who should be no where near children. Teachers who sat at a desk, read a newspaper, did crosswords, passed out worksheets - And I have worked with teachers that arrived every morning filled with ideas, plans, projects - boiling over waiting for the day to start so they could dive into their plans.
This is true in any profession. If teachers can be fired because student scores are too low, or an administrator has a hate on for them, or a parent does not like them - what does that do for all the other students. Does the classroom door revolve; lets try out this one, no this one, no this one. One thing I can say about good teaching you have to be consistent and structured!
In truth, no one is thinking about effects of changing teachers willy nilly will have on students. Test scores are numbers. Children are not numbers. Personalities clash, doesn't mean teacher is rotten.
The core of our country is based on democracy, innocent until proven guilty, independence, spirit. Any person who dreams of being an artists brings that passion into a classroom where art is no longer taught. Art is important. So, if he doesn't get through the entire 20 minute lesson on the sound of letter "M" BFD! What if he inspires a child to dream of being an artist?
As Chris said, if a teacher is so afraid to express their personality, passions, and free thinking ideas - we generate children who can answer questions, but not ask questions. This is scary! It is only through critical thinking, challenging and questioning from which great ideas can emerge. If we frighten teachers with "get higher test scores or hit the highway" we frighten students. Are our children not under enough pressure? Growing up in today's world is no picnic - Good Lord let them be kids and play dodge ball! Let them know it is OK to fail, teach them resiliency - so when they get out into this world; they can find their way beyond the two blocks around their house. They can ask questions. Seek truths. Think for themselves.
It does not matter if train A left at two and train B left at four - It does matter if our children know they can take train C and go wherever they want!
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Oh Goodness Madge
This morning Gail asked for my blog URL; reminded me I have not blogged in so long. Reminded me I literally sat on a couch for most of past year slowly dying. Reminded me looking into eyes of my friends; and how one day I could see my reflection - more importantly I could see their pain. Pain I was causing. Had to get my sorry ass up and do something - or I had to end my life. Dying slowly is way too hard on people who love you.
I called Rosie; asked her to get me to LA - ASAP. And as Rosie and Herbie always have, within 30 minutes I was booked on a 4:30 flight for the next day.
Of course this news, as I shared it with everyone, kind of a lead balloon. Only I knew it was LA, my Dr's., my hospital, or death. Does not make a bit of sense. Ah, but it does. Health care in Upstate NY sucks - and that is if your healthy. If you have lived there a long time. Established relationships with Dr's. you will fare pretty well. You can't move for crazy CA, bring a U-Haul of meds and an encyclopedia of illness.
After Mommie passed, I left Malone as a broken little girl. Despite my health woes -- 20 some years later I became an educated, accomplished, heck of a good time gal! It often feels I am two people - Malone Lisa and LA Lisa - of the two though; LA Lisa is better off. Though for years I kept yearning to go home - OK, until winter - one winter was one winter too many. SOB, that was a stinking awful winter. 30 degrees below zero, with 8 -10 inches of ice. Days you simply could not go outside. Weeks, months - when you did not see the sun. And poor Zuko...I tried to keep a small patch of grass shoveled so he could go to the bathroom. 30 degrees below zero for my poor dog who has little fur.
I have known depression, psychosis, nervous breakdowns - grew up around a lot of dysfunction. When it hit me - I was shocked. Having lost my career, my home, my family, my physical activities - boy I hit hard. I did go to psychiatrist and therapist. That was a disaster! Apparently, I am actually too smart for my own good.
Eventually, panic attacks and agoraphobia stuck me on that couch. From sun up until sun down I sat there watching the front door. Terrified someone would knock on it. Terrified someone would call. Terrified I would live. Terrified I would die. Some days I could take a step or two away from the couch. On other days - a step from the couch would cause me to black out. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. Just waited until dark - when it was safe. People don't visit after dark.
During this time I knew I was messing up. I could see pain in eyes of people I loved. As much as I wanted to be different I was helpless. That is what Eileen said; "You decided you were useless, and now you are." Ouch, but true. If I could not teach, play softball, be a mother, a partner - I could not find another purpose. I tried, at first I tried - then winter came; everyone holes up in winter. Winter was not my friend.
A lot was made of how I abused pain medication. I did. No doubt I used meds to shut off my brain. Turn off fear. Quiet my doubts. It worked. It just was not OK. I could have taken to drinking, or smoking pot - these are acceptable coping mechanisms. Being a recluse using pain meds to quiet my mind - this was not OK. I did not ask for pain, nor for meds to relieve the pain. Didn't set out to be injured , sick, botched brain surgery. Shit happens! If I stayed in my apartment, medicated myself to comfortable level - I was not hurting anyone. Well, apparently I was. Though I still don't understand all of that.
Back in LA, I am staying with a friend. Trying to get my feet back on ground. Trying to rediscover who I am suppose to be. What am I suppose to do. Often someone or other would tell me I had to find another mountain to climb. Find another challenge to overcome. That is not going to happen. I don't need to climb anymore mountains. I don't need to validate the first 50 years of my life; I did damn good given what I had to work with. So, no, I am not going to become "Lisa the Conqueror." I am going to write here. Share my thoughts. Go to a movie once and again. Have dinner with friends once and a while. Take care of Zuko.
This is not complaining - I still live in pain; every waking moment something hurts. Today is 4th day of a migraine. I get up, I walk, I complete some stuff on my list. I sit outside. Watch trees, birds, squirrels. Listen to music. Listen to voices in my head. This is a calm life. I still search for my place of peace. I would like to find that again. I cannot apologize anymore. I cannot go back. I cannot change anything I did right or wrong. Simply, I was doing the best I could. Some folks are accepting of this and will move forward with me. Others won't. That is not mine to control. I cannot carry that weight.
I am resilient. I am strong. Just not as much as I once was. None of us know what our tomorrow has to bring. Today, right now, I can write - I can do this. I focus on what I can do. Like I said it is simple and calm. I can handle it. Hamsters in my head spin that wheel - the idea of getting my doctorate, teaching a JC class - volunteering somewhere - they are ideas. A four day migraine sets aside such ideas. That is alright. My failures exist, they are right there with my successes. I just can't apologize anymore. If anyone believes I willingly set out to hurt people they don't know me. If anyone believes I wanted to take pain meds just so I could get out of the house - they don't know me.
Some folks will always judge me only for my weakness, failures, mistakes - go ahead. Have at it. If stomping on my back makes you feel better - have at it. It is sad our society still views mental illness with such a slant. Mental illness is weakness - addiction is weakness. Strap up your boots and get moving. I know I have said it to others - then it was me - it was gripping my throat so tight I could not breathe. Tomorrow is a new day. Actually, still morning here so today is unfolding.
My friend Sylviar is fighting like a bull dog! It is her who needs prayers. She is an inspiration. I have nothing to complain about. I am lucky, blessed - I know that. But I will not apologize anymore. Y'all need to hear that. I said all the I am sorry I can say.
So, if you still want to journey with me, great! I will write and if you want to read - that is cool. Certainly I do not lack thoughts or ideas. This whole teacher tenure thing is on my radar. As well as NBA playoffs - defense is effort. When Miami gives up 71 first half points; what a lack of effort. Their coach is way off the mark - Popovich has his role players contributing big minutes, saving his big three for Miami runs. Solstra, is doing that entire doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. We'll see. World Cup starts today. USA team manager said; and I quote; "USA team cannot win World Cup. They are not good enough. If saying that is Un-American, then it is."
un-American? Is he kidding? We don't go into anything believing we are not going to win! USA chants will echo across this country - flags, jerseys, heated bar debates will ensue. It is not always the biggest or best that come out on top. Sometimes sheer will, determination, faith, and effort - sometimes, that is enough to get you to the promised land. When all you have is hope - hope is all you need!
I called Rosie; asked her to get me to LA - ASAP. And as Rosie and Herbie always have, within 30 minutes I was booked on a 4:30 flight for the next day.
Of course this news, as I shared it with everyone, kind of a lead balloon. Only I knew it was LA, my Dr's., my hospital, or death. Does not make a bit of sense. Ah, but it does. Health care in Upstate NY sucks - and that is if your healthy. If you have lived there a long time. Established relationships with Dr's. you will fare pretty well. You can't move for crazy CA, bring a U-Haul of meds and an encyclopedia of illness.
After Mommie passed, I left Malone as a broken little girl. Despite my health woes -- 20 some years later I became an educated, accomplished, heck of a good time gal! It often feels I am two people - Malone Lisa and LA Lisa - of the two though; LA Lisa is better off. Though for years I kept yearning to go home - OK, until winter - one winter was one winter too many. SOB, that was a stinking awful winter. 30 degrees below zero, with 8 -10 inches of ice. Days you simply could not go outside. Weeks, months - when you did not see the sun. And poor Zuko...I tried to keep a small patch of grass shoveled so he could go to the bathroom. 30 degrees below zero for my poor dog who has little fur.
I have known depression, psychosis, nervous breakdowns - grew up around a lot of dysfunction. When it hit me - I was shocked. Having lost my career, my home, my family, my physical activities - boy I hit hard. I did go to psychiatrist and therapist. That was a disaster! Apparently, I am actually too smart for my own good.
Eventually, panic attacks and agoraphobia stuck me on that couch. From sun up until sun down I sat there watching the front door. Terrified someone would knock on it. Terrified someone would call. Terrified I would live. Terrified I would die. Some days I could take a step or two away from the couch. On other days - a step from the couch would cause me to black out. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. Just waited until dark - when it was safe. People don't visit after dark.
During this time I knew I was messing up. I could see pain in eyes of people I loved. As much as I wanted to be different I was helpless. That is what Eileen said; "You decided you were useless, and now you are." Ouch, but true. If I could not teach, play softball, be a mother, a partner - I could not find another purpose. I tried, at first I tried - then winter came; everyone holes up in winter. Winter was not my friend.
A lot was made of how I abused pain medication. I did. No doubt I used meds to shut off my brain. Turn off fear. Quiet my doubts. It worked. It just was not OK. I could have taken to drinking, or smoking pot - these are acceptable coping mechanisms. Being a recluse using pain meds to quiet my mind - this was not OK. I did not ask for pain, nor for meds to relieve the pain. Didn't set out to be injured , sick, botched brain surgery. Shit happens! If I stayed in my apartment, medicated myself to comfortable level - I was not hurting anyone. Well, apparently I was. Though I still don't understand all of that.
Back in LA, I am staying with a friend. Trying to get my feet back on ground. Trying to rediscover who I am suppose to be. What am I suppose to do. Often someone or other would tell me I had to find another mountain to climb. Find another challenge to overcome. That is not going to happen. I don't need to climb anymore mountains. I don't need to validate the first 50 years of my life; I did damn good given what I had to work with. So, no, I am not going to become "Lisa the Conqueror." I am going to write here. Share my thoughts. Go to a movie once and again. Have dinner with friends once and a while. Take care of Zuko.
This is not complaining - I still live in pain; every waking moment something hurts. Today is 4th day of a migraine. I get up, I walk, I complete some stuff on my list. I sit outside. Watch trees, birds, squirrels. Listen to music. Listen to voices in my head. This is a calm life. I still search for my place of peace. I would like to find that again. I cannot apologize anymore. I cannot go back. I cannot change anything I did right or wrong. Simply, I was doing the best I could. Some folks are accepting of this and will move forward with me. Others won't. That is not mine to control. I cannot carry that weight.
I am resilient. I am strong. Just not as much as I once was. None of us know what our tomorrow has to bring. Today, right now, I can write - I can do this. I focus on what I can do. Like I said it is simple and calm. I can handle it. Hamsters in my head spin that wheel - the idea of getting my doctorate, teaching a JC class - volunteering somewhere - they are ideas. A four day migraine sets aside such ideas. That is alright. My failures exist, they are right there with my successes. I just can't apologize anymore. If anyone believes I willingly set out to hurt people they don't know me. If anyone believes I wanted to take pain meds just so I could get out of the house - they don't know me.
Some folks will always judge me only for my weakness, failures, mistakes - go ahead. Have at it. If stomping on my back makes you feel better - have at it. It is sad our society still views mental illness with such a slant. Mental illness is weakness - addiction is weakness. Strap up your boots and get moving. I know I have said it to others - then it was me - it was gripping my throat so tight I could not breathe. Tomorrow is a new day. Actually, still morning here so today is unfolding.
My friend Sylviar is fighting like a bull dog! It is her who needs prayers. She is an inspiration. I have nothing to complain about. I am lucky, blessed - I know that. But I will not apologize anymore. Y'all need to hear that. I said all the I am sorry I can say.
So, if you still want to journey with me, great! I will write and if you want to read - that is cool. Certainly I do not lack thoughts or ideas. This whole teacher tenure thing is on my radar. As well as NBA playoffs - defense is effort. When Miami gives up 71 first half points; what a lack of effort. Their coach is way off the mark - Popovich has his role players contributing big minutes, saving his big three for Miami runs. Solstra, is doing that entire doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. We'll see. World Cup starts today. USA team manager said; and I quote; "USA team cannot win World Cup. They are not good enough. If saying that is Un-American, then it is."
un-American? Is he kidding? We don't go into anything believing we are not going to win! USA chants will echo across this country - flags, jerseys, heated bar debates will ensue. It is not always the biggest or best that come out on top. Sometimes sheer will, determination, faith, and effort - sometimes, that is enough to get you to the promised land. When all you have is hope - hope is all you need!
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