This morning Gail asked for my blog URL; reminded me I have not blogged in so long. Reminded me I literally sat on a couch for most of past year slowly dying. Reminded me looking into eyes of my friends; and how one day I could see my reflection - more importantly I could see their pain. Pain I was causing. Had to get my sorry ass up and do something - or I had to end my life. Dying slowly is way too hard on people who love you.
I called Rosie; asked her to get me to LA - ASAP. And as Rosie and Herbie always have, within 30 minutes I was booked on a 4:30 flight for the next day.
Of course this news, as I shared it with everyone, kind of a lead balloon. Only I knew it was LA, my Dr's., my hospital, or death. Does not make a bit of sense. Ah, but it does. Health care in Upstate NY sucks - and that is if your healthy. If you have lived there a long time. Established relationships with Dr's. you will fare pretty well. You can't move for crazy CA, bring a U-Haul of meds and an encyclopedia of illness.
After Mommie passed, I left Malone as a broken little girl. Despite my health woes -- 20 some years later I became an educated, accomplished, heck of a good time gal! It often feels I am two people - Malone Lisa and LA Lisa - of the two though; LA Lisa is better off. Though for years I kept yearning to go home - OK, until winter - one winter was one winter too many. SOB, that was a stinking awful winter. 30 degrees below zero, with 8 -10 inches of ice. Days you simply could not go outside. Weeks, months - when you did not see the sun. And poor Zuko...I tried to keep a small patch of grass shoveled so he could go to the bathroom. 30 degrees below zero for my poor dog who has little fur.
I have known depression, psychosis, nervous breakdowns - grew up around a lot of dysfunction. When it hit me - I was shocked. Having lost my career, my home, my family, my physical activities - boy I hit hard. I did go to psychiatrist and therapist. That was a disaster! Apparently, I am actually too smart for my own good.
Eventually, panic attacks and agoraphobia stuck me on that couch. From sun up until sun down I sat there watching the front door. Terrified someone would knock on it. Terrified someone would call. Terrified I would live. Terrified I would die. Some days I could take a step or two away from the couch. On other days - a step from the couch would cause me to black out. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. Just waited until dark - when it was safe. People don't visit after dark.
During this time I knew I was messing up. I could see pain in eyes of people I loved. As much as I wanted to be different I was helpless. That is what Eileen said; "You decided you were useless, and now you are." Ouch, but true. If I could not teach, play softball, be a mother, a partner - I could not find another purpose. I tried, at first I tried - then winter came; everyone holes up in winter. Winter was not my friend.
A lot was made of how I abused pain medication. I did. No doubt I used meds to shut off my brain. Turn off fear. Quiet my doubts. It worked. It just was not OK. I could have taken to drinking, or smoking pot - these are acceptable coping mechanisms. Being a recluse using pain meds to quiet my mind - this was not OK. I did not ask for pain, nor for meds to relieve the pain. Didn't set out to be injured , sick, botched brain surgery. Shit happens! If I stayed in my apartment, medicated myself to comfortable level - I was not hurting anyone. Well, apparently I was. Though I still don't understand all of that.
Back in LA, I am staying with a friend. Trying to get my feet back on ground. Trying to rediscover who I am suppose to be. What am I suppose to do. Often someone or other would tell me I had to find another mountain to climb. Find another challenge to overcome. That is not going to happen. I don't need to climb anymore mountains. I don't need to validate the first 50 years of my life; I did damn good given what I had to work with. So, no, I am not going to become "Lisa the Conqueror." I am going to write here. Share my thoughts. Go to a movie once and again. Have dinner with friends once and a while. Take care of Zuko.
This is not complaining - I still live in pain; every waking moment something hurts. Today is 4th day of a migraine. I get up, I walk, I complete some stuff on my list. I sit outside. Watch trees, birds, squirrels. Listen to music. Listen to voices in my head. This is a calm life. I still search for my place of peace. I would like to find that again. I cannot apologize anymore. I cannot go back. I cannot change anything I did right or wrong. Simply, I was doing the best I could. Some folks are accepting of this and will move forward with me. Others won't. That is not mine to control. I cannot carry that weight.
I am resilient. I am strong. Just not as much as I once was. None of us know what our tomorrow has to bring. Today, right now, I can write - I can do this. I focus on what I can do. Like I said it is simple and calm. I can handle it. Hamsters in my head spin that wheel - the idea of getting my doctorate, teaching a JC class - volunteering somewhere - they are ideas. A four day migraine sets aside such ideas. That is alright. My failures exist, they are right there with my successes. I just can't apologize anymore. If anyone believes I willingly set out to hurt people they don't know me. If anyone believes I wanted to take pain meds just so I could get out of the house - they don't know me.
Some folks will always judge me only for my weakness, failures, mistakes - go ahead. Have at it. If stomping on my back makes you feel better - have at it. It is sad our society still views mental illness with such a slant. Mental illness is weakness - addiction is weakness. Strap up your boots and get moving. I know I have said it to others - then it was me - it was gripping my throat so tight I could not breathe. Tomorrow is a new day. Actually, still morning here so today is unfolding.
My friend Sylviar is fighting like a bull dog! It is her who needs prayers. She is an inspiration. I have nothing to complain about. I am lucky, blessed - I know that. But I will not apologize anymore. Y'all need to hear that. I said all the I am sorry I can say.
So, if you still want to journey with me, great! I will write and if you want to read - that is cool. Certainly I do not lack thoughts or ideas. This whole teacher tenure thing is on my radar. As well as NBA playoffs - defense is effort. When Miami gives up 71 first half points; what a lack of effort. Their coach is way off the mark - Popovich has his role players contributing big minutes, saving his big three for Miami runs. Solstra, is doing that entire doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. We'll see. World Cup starts today. USA team manager said; and I quote; "USA team cannot win World Cup. They are not good enough. If saying that is Un-American, then it is."
un-American? Is he kidding? We don't go into anything believing we are not going to win! USA chants will echo across this country - flags, jerseys, heated bar debates will ensue. It is not always the biggest or best that come out on top. Sometimes sheer will, determination, faith, and effort - sometimes, that is enough to get you to the promised land. When all you have is hope - hope is all you need!
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