ANGER

     Don't know what stage of grieving is stage of ANGER.  I know it is in there somewhere.  ANGER frightens me.  ANGER leads to violence. I am opposed to violence.  Violence frightens me. 
     We are socialized to suppress our ANGER. It is not appropriate for a young lady to yell and scream.  ANGER has no place in a fine young woman's life.  Bull! Seriously, who started that line of thinking?
     Swallowed a lot of ANGER in my life. Can't say that got me anywhere.  This brings me back to Dixie Chick song; "I am not ready to make nice."  This is how I feel.  I can't say what it is you want to hear.  I cannot be the person you want me to be.  My life was turned upside down - no, I don't like it; I am just trying to right the ship.
     Funny, as I was writing this right now, Dixie Chicks song started playing on my iPod.  I think it has a chip in my brain.  Time heals everything.  No it doesn't.  We heal as far as we are able to.  Not everything gets better.  Oh sure, things change, people change - circumstances change - but better...NOPE!
      This life I am trying to reshape, I will make it absolutely the best life I can.  This does not mean that I am not still mad as hell!
     Funny how many folks will climb aboard your train when the tracks are clear.  Should a derailment occur, see them scurry; or worse yet - watch them push trying to completely knock your car into a ravine.
     ANGER is something we all feel. Some folks handle so much better than others.  Some just keep swallowing hard and turning the other cheek.  Reckon I fall into the latter category.  Also reckon it isn't sitting so well, that ball of fire in my belly. 
      I want to climb a mountain and just shout until I am hoarse.  Shout until exhaustion takes me down to my knees.  Shout until I can puke out 50 years of anger.  I don't do that right? Not me, not Lisa.  Maybe who I was before but I am not the same.  My soul has not changed - my heart broken, my body failing, betrayals so unthinkable...Mommie said my greatest strength was my faith in the goodness of others.  She also said it was my biggest weakness.
     I could not imagine people, my people betraying me, because I could not imagine betraying them.  Does that make sense? It was implausible.  All of it was so beyond my comprehension.  Of course Mommie also said I had a good face for radio.
     Promises are only words.  Words we speak and we mean, until we don't.  How often do we just admit that? Hey, look I am sorry I promised you this; I just can't deliver.  Fricken A! Just be honest.
     No one wants to be the bad guy.  No one wants to appear to have bailed.  At least when Eileen splayed me across my kitchen it was honest.  Better to die by one fell swoop then to slowly bleed out.  And here I am - Miss Believe in The Goodness of Others.  How many times did y'all think I was just a fool?
     I wasn't a fool.  I knew.  I knew.  I knew!  I have always known.  Most of my life folks have underestimated me.  I don't need bright lights and a stage.  I don't need a spot light.  What is my favorite phrase? Come on you remember; Don't mistake activity for achievement. 
     I was not fooling myself.  No one was pulling the wool over my eyes.  ANGER kept me from speaking.  ANGER prevented me from putting on a defense.  ANGER leads to violence.  Keep the peace.  This is what Lisa does.  She keeps the peace.  Lisa serves others.  Lisa turns the other cheek.
     Well she did.  I don't know if she will continue to keep the peace.  She might just pick up that snow globe and shake the living day lights out of it!  If achievement was not enough, if loyalty was not enough, if compassion, kindness, unconditional love, support...if all of that wasn't enough - perhaps I must resort to activity!  If y'all need to see activity I can give it to you.  Just be careful what you wish for!
     An easy mark.  That is what so many of you saw.  Beaten, bruised, weakened - that was your chance.  Not all started pushing my cart off that rail - some did.  Shame on you!  Shame on those of you who felt better because you found an out clause in which you were absolved of your promises!
     Why do we do that to one another? How can we do that to one another? I don't understand a purposeful action towards destruction of another person's life.  I don't understand climbing on someone's back so I can appear taller.  Kicking someone when they are down!
     ANGER frightens me.  ANGER leads to violence.  Violence serves no purpose.  It is OK to feel ANGER.  We need an outlet for our ANGER.  Otherwise it just builds up and up and up; then one day we are gook and other stuff just splattered on a wall. 
     Quick many folks dismissed me.  Don't think I did not know! Don't believe I was so far into that darkness that I did not know.  You did not play me.  Your activity means nothing when compared to my accomplishment.  My soul remains as it always was.  You compromised your souls.  I will pray for you. 
      Though I am not there yet - I will arrive.  Don't know how it will look or where "there" is.  Be sure I will find it.  When I do be certain I will still believe in the goodness of others.  I will still believe love lasts forever.  I will still know laughter is a darn good medicine.  What I give away I have never lost.  Most importantly, I will not have compromised my promises.  
      ANGER frightens me.  Now it is a solid wall I have to get over, around, or through.  I will find a way.  Though I won't do so with a marching band and dancers putting on a show.  There will be no three ring circus to distract you.  My achievement will come just as quietly as each promise I made to you.  Steadfast and true.  Solid and consistent. 
     ANGER frightens me...not being true to my soul; that scares me much more.  Just remember me.