Last week when I was at doctor's office I had to fill out standard paperwork. I came upon the question of "who to notify in case of an emergency." I did not know whose name to write down. I could not fill in that blank. It is a blank deep within my soul. It is a blank I am having a difficult time adjusting to.
This whole learning to live this different kind of life - it is not as glamorous as one might think. Footloose and fancy free; yup that is me. Problem is, I have pretty much spent entirety of my life looking to find places to belong. School, sports, clubs, friends, lovers, partners - trying to build a family to which I belong. Don't get me wrong - I know I am loved and I am blessed. I am not complaining just wondering how to fill in the blank.
Reckon it might take a while for me to figure it all out. Nope certainly not where I expected to be - yet here I am so I get on with living. That is what I can do. I can leave a blank space for now. Don't notify anyone - well, maybe Zuko. He would want to know where I was.
It really is just freaking weird. Traversed so many valleys, up so many mountains, across so many rivers - arriving here. Just didn't see it coming. No one does. No one sees a catastrophe coming. It arrives first then insinuates itself into every corner of your world.
Shucks by the time you figure it out, it is just a little too late.
Really thought I had done things right so I would not be in such a position. But I forgot to remember, no matter what I do I cannot control what anyone else does. So even if I did everything expertly, exquisitely, perfectly - well, even then there are no guarantees. We spin that big wheel and hope for double digits winnings
This is not a pity party - I am just thinking out loud. It is more of a forensic dig; looking for artifacts pre-2008 and looking for cracks that became crevices - that whole infrastructure failure which is plaguing our country. Bridges, ducts, roadways, waterways - all large slabs of concrete and steel which are outdated. Hence Katrina, and Minnesota - and wherever the next big collapse is.
It is not just objects which are cracking and falling apart. Our families are also suffering from infrastructure failure. This means our children are less prepared for school. Thus our schools are failing because they were not built for the weight they now must hold.
In essence one small crack in any dam will eventually lead to a fissure, to a hole, to a break - and out to sea will towns and cities and people go. Fragile as families appear; with hard economic times, unemployment, disenfranchised and marginalized - tiny cracks become vacuums. Ozzie and Harriet would not survive in times such as these.
Seemed such a normal and achievable dream - fall in love, have children, buy a house, live happily ever after. The dream, the American dream - us gay and lesbian folks we share that same vision. We also share arguing over money, how to raise children, who is the gardener, and who is the gatherer - we also share divorce. Sucks for all of us.
More alike than different yet it is our differences which are plastered on magazine covers. How silly is that? Not fame, nor money, nor a whole jar of honey can fix this kind of broke.
Yet we get up and we go at it again. We get up hoping we can catch lightening in a bottle. We get up because that is what we do. Filled with hope, holding on to that American Dream - we move forward. We hold our head up as high as we can and we keep marching on.
That blank line is a hiccup. It is a bee sting. It will pass.
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