Not been any practice of mine to burn a bridge. Believing in life's circular pattern - won't be too long until I find myself on banks of a raging river - and bridge I burned was only safe passage I had to cross.
Same with closing doors. Entering the "funny house" life so often is - should I close and lock a door; then find myself on the outside with no combination to get back in?
I know folks who are able to do this. I know folks who must do this. I know folks who choose to do this - and I know me.
Odd isn't it; how we are shaped by so many external factors - add in genetics - we can become a mutation of who we were originally meant to be.
Which gets me to wondering who I was meant to be. If everything else, environmentally, was "normal," whatever that is; well who would I have become? Silly question. It has no answer - yet once and again I wonder on it.
Each of us seeks basic needs; food, shelter, love. Love is defined by species - but it crosses the board. Some say love is enough to sustain you - even without food or shelter. Romantic notion, but false.
Love should not hurt. How often it does. My heart beating for another's love should not be wrong - but it is. No, love doesn't belong in genetic make up - still it comes from our basic survival skills. A bird, bear, reptile - each seeks love. Of course the form and depth are different - reckon the need is similar.
Closing a door - saying; "This is it!" I shall not need this person again. We shall not cross paths again - I can burn this bridge as I will not use it ever again. Ah, that never and always - two entities which do not exists. Perhaps, black holes only meant to trick us.
Life just does not work that way. At least, in my humble opinion, it does not work that way. Would it be easier if I could padlock doors - maybe - Matters not; it just is not something I can do.
Goodness, how long have I sought what society dictates as normal - only to achieve that "normal" then have random circumstance and incompetent bureaucracies render me clueless. Poof, there it goes.
I know I hang on way too long - believing in goodness of others. A theme which has pierced my heart so many dang times, one would think I would give it up. I won't.
I won't give up faith nor hope! I will not give up unicorns and mermaids. Love's power and laughter's healing strength - I am going to keep these with me. Yes, I am wiser. Nothing should surprise me - though it does. When someone else exhibits behaviors I could not even imagine - I am surprised. I know I should not be.
You may consider my behavior defeating myself. Putting myself behind the 8 ball, then asking why? That is OK, I often ask myself "Why?" That question harkens back a long, long, long, way - it is one no one can answer. Asking why is, at some point, something we all do.
I cannot be faded. I bought a hat, back in 1987 - the words; "You Can't Fade Me" were on that hat. I did not know what they meant - only knew they somehow rang true to how I felt. Turns out in gang "slang" the expression means you can't kill me, and if you kill me, one of my fellow gang members will avenge my death. In other LGBT speak, it meant - we will not disappear - no matter how much you try to erase us - we will not go away. What was the chant; "We're here, we're queer, get used to it."
Personally, I felt the phrase represented my resiliency. Taking what life gave me and still remaining vibrant. You can't fade me. So when others burned a bridge or closed a door - their choice - it did not "fade" my color. It did not fade my presence in their life. I stood strong on every river bank, and close to every door.
It would be cool if we could figure some of this stuff out before we hit the gates of heaven. Who knows, maybe we do...though I am still stretching and learning - still losing and mourning - you can't fade me. No matter how far down I have fallen. No matter how dark my days may be - I know - without a doubt - my little light will shine. I won't fade.
Might come a day when bridges can be rebuilt and doors unlocked - or maybe not. Either way forgive me if I appear naïve; forgive me if I believe in love - give me a pass because I will hold hope for a long, long, long, time. It all makes me a little softer than you might perhaps like me to be - reckon it makes me, me - something in here must speak to you - might just be 'cause I will believe way longer than I probably should.
Nope, I can't just burn a bridge or close a door - sometimes I wish I could. I do hear what y'all are saying. Whether it is genetic or environment, I am just not wired that way. I only need adjust - I can do that. If someone finds themselves on banks of a raging river I will lay me down - or if someone is stuck in the funny house tumbler...I will shine a light.
Just me being me; only way I know how.
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