Hammer or Ice

     I dropped a 7 pound of ice on my foot.  It hurt! Then I hit my right pointer finger with a hammer! That hurt! These events pretty much sum of the past few days for me. 
     Please do not misunderstand what I am saying - My Donald is getting married.  I am so happy for him! He has been my friend 22 years.  My go to guy.  He cannot be that person anymore.  That is OK...Really, I am happy for him.
      Sometimes I wonder if I did something really bad in a previous life.  In fact I don't recall a time when I did not wonder that.  Which has nothing to do with Donald getting married. 
      I did not take pills or crawl into a battle.  Took a shower, went to watch my former softball team play in a tournament.  Which may hurt more than ice or hammer.  I purposefully wore shoes I could not play softball in.  I knew at some point Jef would ask me if I wanted to play an inning or have a turn at bat.  Yes, I long for such moments - just not moments I can have.  So I kept score and did the 7/11 run.  Yippee for me!
      I have said before that I am not apologizing anymore.  Whatever I do to get through a day - well screw it! Today I did what is considered the "right thing." I will do whatever I want to do and I will not feel bad for it.
     Neither the hammer, ice, score keeping, or 7/11 run made tears stop streaming down my face.  So what is the difference? At least I should have a bit of peace. 
      No matter how many ways I try to explain this...no one gets it.  I cannot play softball anymore - have you any idea how much that hurts? Do you know how hard it is to be cheerful and positive while every part of you hurts --
     You don't get it! You can't get it! You are not limping in my Crocs!
      Now I am a person who does stuff for other people; which is fine - it is stuff from the bottom because I cannot get back on top.  It does not matter what I do - Don't you get that?
     We have all lost people, opportunities, jobs, family - I have lost mine again and again and again! So whatever I did in my previous life which so angered our universe - Dang, I wish I could figure it out. 
     Shoot, don't worry about it.  Tomorrow is a new day - get up, tie up your laces, put that smile on, and get up to speed. 
     I will.  I am not a quitter.