Everyday

     It is everyday. You cannot let up. You have to work and work and work. One lax moment leads to two lax moments, then three - You have to stay focused and present. In theory it seems easy. As they say that is why you play the game.
     It is not a game. This is your life. No, not life as you imagined it - life the way it is! Didn't expect I would sail from oblivion into a perfect sunrise. That is OK. Didn't expect there was any more room down here. There was.
     I will get up - next week. These next few days I am calling in sick. I am tired. I don't feel good physically or emotionally. Like I said I can no longer differentiate where one begins and one lets off.
     Need not worry. I will get up - again. I will not disappoint you. I will not let the system or my maladies have the last word. I will be better.
     It astonishes me - just makes my head spin - who the heck am I? What do I want to do when I grow up? I am a teacher without a classroom. No, I can't go there - that subject is raw. No scar tissue yet.
     How long will all this take? Shucks if I know. I count my blessings. I feel empowered through love so many of you offer me. If I am quiet and withdrawn, I am only resting a bit. Letting my mind meander to mundane thoughts - rebuilding is hard work.
     Please don't take my absence as a sign I have crawled into a bottle of pain pills. I have not. Down to just taking Percocet - I walk, read, watch the 1 channel television. Though tempting, escape through over medicating retards healing. I want to be better.
     Glimpses of me prior to 8:03 on September 18, 2008 - I see her. You can't sprint all the time. This is a marathon, sometimes coasting has to get you by.
     Pray and keep good thoughts - Somehow I will emerge, I will prevail! I won't disappoint you. I won't disappoint myself. I am tired. I need to rest. That is alright. I can allow myself that.
     Monday I will get back at it. I will fight the good fight. I will win. I can't talk to you, I cry too much. I don't want to cry. Please don't worry - You will anyway. Man, how did I end up here? Should have been Hansel and Gretel, left a trail to find my way back. It is here somewhere.
    Now I lay me down to sleep. I am tired. Find the root and excavate. Monday...I can start digging on Monday. Right now, I need a break from me. Reckon everyone does.
     We don't know do we? We don't know so much of ourselves until we are tested. I failed. Not every test, not every time. What was different? It is a question with no answer - what was different? What broke inside of me? Why? Nope can go there. Not now, not today. Need to get out of my head.
     I am just taking a break. Back at it on Monday. Thank you for your love and support. Hasn't been easy for any of us. I won't let you down.
     I will learn all I can about nervous breakdowns, depression, mental illness - I will learn then I will share what I learned. Perhaps some other person won't have to fall so far - I could be a bridge. I am a teacher - this is who I am.
     Count my blessings, pray, rest - I need to sleep. I am so tired. Who knew being "nuts" was so exhausting.