Guardian Angels...

As I was watching the series finale of Saving Grace - Some thoughts found their way into what should be mindless entertainment - What if we have guardian angels? That would be so cool. I wonder if we would have enough faith to believe they were real or just call the cops and take out a restraining order? There have been so many times in my life when I was at the edge of darkness, when someone reached out and saved me. Are they my guardian angels? I don't believe much in evil as a form or being. People do some really mean things. There are acts committed by some and we could categorize them as evil, however, it is difficult for me to just give in to the notion of evil as a being. When there is so much beauty and love in this world, how can evil exist? Having lost so many people, and at such a young age, I reckon I always believed they were my guardian angels. Like my mom or dad, or Little Gram - just up there in heaven looking out for me. What depth of faith would it require to see an actual angel? Then I was thinking about the pain life can cause us. That idea of that which does not kills us makes us stronger...yeah, OK, just as soon learn that lesson some other way. Define stronger - because sometimes I think we just shut off parts of our emotions, or hearts, just to avoid that which isn't killing us. Maybe all of our being doesn't die, but parts of us do. Shucks, I don't know. People say "let go, let God." I am all for it. It just doesn't pay the bills. Oh, I suppose they mean about really big things. Not the minute details of life. Though I cannot abide by parents who do not get medical treatment for a sick child because they believe God will heal their child. God gives us the ability to develop medical treatments to save sick children. So where does that leave miracles? Well, I don't know, not exactly. I believe in miracles. I do. I feel I have been witness to them or party to them in some way. Many a day, if I stop to ponder my own existence, I reckon that I am even here is a miracle. The religious zealots, with all of their fire and brimstone - they judge too much - if we are all from God, made from God and he is a part of us then how can any of us be wrong? We can make bad choices, and we can make wrong decisions, but us, as beings - we cannot be wrong - so what gives them the right to say we are wrong. My years in Catholic School only taught me to fear God. As I grew and reflected and pondered and suffered and survived, slowly these fears dissipated. I began to see God as part of me and I as part of him. I began to believe it was my role to live as Jesus lived. Be kind to others, make the best choices I could, try to leave each person or situation better than when I found it - at the very least, not worse than when I found it. Failed more than I have succeeded, I keep trying to get it right. That is what living is for. Another chance to get it right. Not everyone believes in any of this - I respect that. Way I figure it, if I am wrong than I lived a good life no harm in that - if I am right one day I get to go home and be with Mommie and Daddy Pat, and Little Gram and Scotty, I get to be with the people who have left. I'll meet my biological Mother for the first time. Do you think I should hug her? I have a lot of questions. Do you think God will answer? Or is he like the president - he never answers my letters. I'm not done living yet, so I still have time to figure out some of this stuff. Though I probably won't figure out much, just come up with a bunch more questions. Round and round in my head they go. I need an off button on my mind. Now that would be a useful invention. Time to go to sleep, turn my "thought" button off.