Why is today the day? I do not know. Perhaps it is winter pounding us yet again. Leaving Zuko and I housebound - It might be just life's cycle. Maybe I am acquiring clarity. An answer for you I cannot provide.
I stopped writing on purpose. As I attempted to open boxes and let in light, I could not write. Then, I realized I did not want, nor did I need to open those darn boxes. I understand the concept of letting light in. I understand the idea of it - what I know is more important.
What I know is I survived as best I could. And truthfully, I feel I did a bang up job. I have contended that what I do remember is awful - what I don't remember is worse...why open that can of worms. If I had been offered therapy when I was 14, 18, even 30...it might have made a difference. I learned to put stuff away and move on. Might not be in psychology 101 textbook - but it worked.
No, I am not a model of mental health - who the heck is? Shoot, life is tough. It is what we do with LOVE that matters! I have known LOVE! That is it! That matters! Not what some A'hole did to me, or took from me - what replaced the pain, what filled the gaps...LOVE! And with love, HOPE, and with hope FAITH! That is what matters.
My life has meaning because of the people who LOVE me and the people I LOVE. My life has meaning because I overcame stuff. Overachieved - BS! I achieved everything I could! It wasn't a stretch - it was destiny.
I had plans to blast everyone. Put on my defense. I wanted to rip apart the stories, lies, exaggerations. I wanted to prove I was right and they were wrong. That is not me. Forgiveness was the only tool enabling me. Had I not forgiven those who stole my childhood I never would have become a teenager. Without forgiving those who took my idyllic youth - anger would have finished me off. If I did not look forward, If I only looked back - my fuel would have consumed me in a ball of fire, anger, regret, and shame.
LOVE...it sounds too simple - especially in light of how complex I am. A life with so many layers of degradation, failure, pain, loss, and regret cannot be set aside merely because I know LOVE. Why not? Why can I not tell you what I know as truth - I am LOVED. I have been LOVED since the moment I was born. While that moment is marred in such a tragic loss, I did not kill Eva. My birth did not take her from this Earth. Indeed starting out with 2 strikes, well, that stinks. But you see, I didn't know it stunk. I knew LOVE.
When my childish innocence was shattered by truth - it changed me but it didn't break me. I thought it did. I have relived that moment so many times. Felt shame, shock, sorrow, regret...I owned Eva's death. Wasn't I suppose to? In doing so I freed others from regret and responsibility. God gave me these broad shoulders. He told me I was going to need them.
Just a few minutes old. I was already LOVED! That matters! Thus I meandered through my days and nights oblivious to how destroyed I should be. Yes, my goal was perfection. Be the perfect daughter, sister, friend, Aunt, Cousin, Granddaughter, student, athlete, teacher, writer - Yup that is exhausting! (ironic considering how little I sleep) That was destiny as brick by brick the road I travelled was set in place. No more could I change my need for perfection than I could the color of my eyes.
Nope, never achieved perfection. I did my best. It was not always good enough, it was my best. I stink when it comes to sending cards, remembering birthdays, anniversaries...I forget to call. If you need me though I am there.
Judgment is not mine. I believe everyone does their best. We all fall short - but that is not failure. It is humanity. It is what pushes us, stretches us, helps us grow. It is what makes us strong, humble, and hungry! We don't need judgment we need understanding. Compassion people - forgive and be of compassion. Speak with humility knowing how flawed each of us can be. Then celebrate with laughter knowing how we need one another so very much. We need LOVE!
Why is today the day? I wonder. No, I don't have the answer. I don't know what stone turned, or what neuron clicked. I have spent a lot of time deep in my own thoughts. I don't recommend it. Matters not how many times I look ugly in the face - it remains ugly. No answer nor understanding will change that truth. This is what I believed for my whole life. It is how I thrived. Maybe it isn't for everyone - perhaps it is not the "right" way to go about living - I don't know. I do know those I LOVE and those who LOVE me - we are the better for that! That matters.
Yes, things trigger flashbacks. Difficult to control but we manage. Have I failed today because of stolen pieces - yup. Will I fail again - sure. I will learn and move on. Not make the same mistake twice - be better. Be the best me I can.
Some will shake their heads; "Poor poor Lisa, she is resting her case on LOVE. Will she never learn."
"Hope not." is my reply.
I HOPE I never forget LOVE'S power. I HOPE I never forget LOVE'S gifts. I PRAY I never turn LOVE away in fear of loss. And I certainly BELIEVE with LOVE all things are possible.
Go ahead call me naïve. Tell me how my poetic, romantic notion of LOVE conquering all is BS! That is just fine. It works for me. Though I bear some ugly scars. Though I have cried an ocean of tears. Though I have failed a million times...I still BELIEVE in LOVE and HOPE. I still have my FAITH! I am no where near finished. Still a work in progress - I am trying.
Over the past months, there were times I did not believe I could take another breath. I begged God to take me. I tried to end my life. Gosh darn it the sun kept rising. Folks kept LOVING me. No matter how hard I tried to end my miserable existence, that did not come to pass. And I cursed God for my suffering. I screamed at him. In turn he did nothing. He did not answer my prayers. He remained quiet. I punched and kicked, sliced and diced - and he did nothing. Coward, that is what I called him. God was a coward because he would not answer me. No, he is still in silence. I am talking to him, not screaming...maybe he hears a whisper.
Yup, that is today - Life is hard, I am harder. I am strong, LOVE is stronger. Winter sucks! That just is what it is!
Don't know where I am going. Don't know what my next goal is. I have to get through today - given the snow this only means I have to watch hours pass until a new sun rises. It might appear I gave up - man, you've no idea how untrue that is. I have fought with every fiber of my being. Why I am alive, I don't know - I can only surmise; God is not finished with me yet.
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