I Just Don't Know...

     I just don't know - nope I don't. You think you have stuff figured out, in the blink of an eye everything changes.
     See Just like that - it is all different. My mind needs to shut down. Like the computer, sleep, hibernate, rest. Best I can do is keep busy with other things. I am worried about Zuko. His seizure last night was bad. He is still off his game this morning. I have a Dr's appointment so I have to leave him alone. I do not like to leave him alone anytime. Especially after a seizure. He has such anxiety. How did I raise a dog with such anxiety?
    I believe the process has started. I cannot remain in this space. Stubborn as I am - retreat does not suit me. Moving forward is scaring me.
     Last night, those things happen. Reckon they leave me a little groggy like Zuko from his seizures.
     In reality none of us know know - we do the best with information we have we do the best we can. Right? This makes us human.
     The whole Christmas in August thing does bother me. Christmas Magic was once real. Now it is beat the clock for the best deal. I won't let it be that. If in August I saw something I knew someone would love I would buy it and put it away for their Christmas present. Don't believe everyone needs the same number of gifts to open. A child does not need everything they want.
     Sometimes less is more. And I am so awful when it comes to writing and mailing cards, gifts, anything. If only my intentions propelled to completion I would be an accomplished person.
      Y'all know that right? How much I carry each of you in my heart? How much your words, prayers, thoughts, well - have sustained me.
     Living in this gray space. Man I need to get out of my head.  Too often I dive into a task not comprehending it's enormity. Then I feel compelled to complete. I am not a good finisher.
     I have grand ideas, my follow through stinks. Nope I am not a good finisher. This apartment is half decorated, half organized. Don't really know where to go with it. Reckon that is as much  a statement of my overall feelings.
     I need ink for my printer so I can print some pictures to frame. Hang them up. I have this idea of turning some old wooden ski's (that is not possessive but looks awkward without the apostrophe. What is correct?) into a long picture frame ascending the stairs like a ski slope. In my head it is really cool.
     I would like to make a quilt. Eileen just whips them out. She is far more disciplined than I. And sometimes I just do not feel good. Is there a proficient talk to text program for a laptop? Typing gets more difficult as my hands, elbows, shoulders lose their dexterity. I can type without looking but can't type without fine motor skills.
     I know I am rambling. I feel I should write something. I want y'all to know I am OK. Opening boxes is difficult, I started it, and I don't want those images to be what you think of when you think about me. Please don't worry about me.
     I am a survivor. In time it will be another eye blink that changes everything. I will hang on. I will move forward. Goodness please don't worry about me. I don't write, share, for that reason. I write and share because it helps me.  I write and share hoping, just maybe, my experiences might help someone else get through tough times. I write I share so I know I am never alone - so you know you are never alone.
     As Michelle stated so eloquently; "I am blessed to be on our common journey with you."
      Be good to yourself. Tread lightly when crossing broken bridges. Leave a light on for the next person. And don't put sour milk in your coffee.