The Heart of The Matter

     The first time Liz and I took Em out, she was 4 years old. We went to Century City. We watched a movie, window shopped, had some lunch. Before we left we got ice cream cones. As we were walking back to the car Em moved her ice cream from her right hand to her left. Then she reached up and took my hand. I looked down at this beautiful child - her pure innocent eyes. Chocolate ice cream rimmed her mouth - spotted her nose.
     Em looked at me, squeezed my hand and said;
     "This is the best day ever!"
     That was the moment I felt a whole new depth of love. A place in my heart I did not know existed came to life. The tag line in an insurance commercial;
     "The day I became yours, you became mine."
     That was the day, the moment, Em's little hand in mine - I wiped chocolate ice cream from her nose. I squeezed her hand right back. I could not speak - It was this moment I understood when parents say the first time they hold their child forever changes them.
     That warm December day changed me. I became a Mom. It is incredible. Everything else ceases to matter except your child. You want to protect, nurture, love - you want to do everything right; Most of the time you worry you are doing everything wrong.
     And so it began. Watching Em grow it is amazing. She is so kind, intelligent, athletic. Em possess a keen awareness of equality and respect. She epitomizes a spirit unencumbered with preconceived notions.
     One time we were walking through China Town. Liz holding one hand, I held Em's other hand. As we entered a crosswalk a big SUV blew the stop sign - you don't think, Both Liz and I bent to scoop up Em, place our bodies between that black SUV and Em. I slammed my fist on the car's hood. A man inside was yelling. I yelled louder. He did not exit his car. Smart of him. You endanger my child I will beat the day lights out of you.
     This is how you feel all the time. I wanted to protect Em from everything. I wanted to give her everything. Picking her up from school, helping her with homework, making supper, bath and bed some of the most incredible moments I have experienced.
     When we went camping Em and I would "gear up." Hats, gloves, whistles, belts for our canteens, walkie talkies, utility knives. Any camping accessory we could put on a belt we did. We loved it. Liz laughed at the two of us, looking like we were going on Dual Survivor.
     This is our heart. Not the muscle beating in our chest. Our heart - it cannot be seen, you can't measure beats per minute - This is our heart. It is where love grows. Our heart where we hold hopes and dreams. Our heart where we garner strength to overcome. This is where we hold on and we let go. Doctors can't touch it. Can't stitch up a broken heart. You can't stop this heart - even in the darkest of hours, this heart beats measures of love. This heart sustains us.
     Nothing changes love of your child. Em is my child. One day she took my hand, she became mine and I became hers. This my friends is The Heart of The Matter. Not being with her. Not talking with her. It is a raw pain. My heart, the one you can't see - this heart holds her even tighter, yearns a glimpse of her smile, urges me to protect her - wants to hug her, explain to her my failures and frailties - beg her forgiveness. You don't stop being a Mom - this heart beats in measures of love - absence makes it beat faster. Longing causes fissures. Failures become fractures.
     This heart - it is not a muscle - it is our soul, our existence, our character, and our flaws. Reckon, this heart is the one which really matters. Being a Mom is more than giving birth - I know that. My Mom did not give birth to me. I did not give birth to my daughter. Our hearts know no difference. This love, unlike any other, remains strong - becomes stronger - it grows and grows.
     Yup, this is the heart of the matter.