The Geese

The geese honk 24 hours a day. I can say so with certainty. I sleep as little as they do. They spend nights at the rec park. Honking and squawking. "Get ready! We leave at first light." Sure enough, as the suns stretches and yawns so do snow geese.
"Come on now. It is fall. It is time to move."
My feet twitch. My palms itch. Indeed it is time to move - to sing, to dance. It is fall.
"Go without me." I whisper. Don't reckon they hear me.
It is difficult this staying put. My mind looks for challenges. Or perhaps distractions. Yes, it is distractions. Challenging is going to Wal-Mart. (Really, what is with the lighting in that store? It is some artificial light compelling me to spend at least $110.00 on stuff I don't need)
Everything is different, except me. I am still the same. Still a teacher, still a poet, still a heart too big, and hope even bigger. Still holding on, seeking a touch of wisdom. (they don't sell that at Wal-Mart)
Ya' know I have consistently refused the concept that depression caused my physical maladies. I understand the research. It is compelling. I also understand the numbers - People, men and women, from this area are 7 times greater than the national average for autoimmune diagnosis.
So, if my autoimmune issues are due solely to depression, we going to need a bigger "crazy" boat!
I am still funny, right?
Of course I know, I know, I know. A lot of trauma during those dang forming years. Sucks, yada yada yada! I get it. Yes, I know darkness. But gosh golly I know light.
As hard and as dark as times could get; I saw light. Even if meant twisting myself into a pretzel to see it, I looked for light.
Being a revisionist historian is not a bad thing. Forgetting struggles and remembering celebrations; what is wrong with that? Really, who does that hurt? No, don't say me. It does not hurt me. I am not complete because of what is missing. I am complete because of what I have!
Do not tell me that my life is a fraud because I am so damaged. WRONG! I could have damage, yup. Find me someone who doesn't. Find me someone who has roamed this Earth for 50 years who does not have cuts, scrapes, bumps and bruises.
My faith in humanity, it is shaken. That is alright. This time of chosen solitude. These nights to come; dark, long, cold. They will pass. Those snow geese I hear as I write; they will come back. Spring will follow winter.
My resistance, for all these years, against going to a therapist is this - you cannot change the past. What is the point of rehashing things? Let them go already.
What happened when I was a child is not why I fell down and could not get up. If you could explain to me that! That would be helpful. I don't fail. I get up! I move on! I don't survive...I thrive.
It is foolish I know. It is the poet in me. Having felt depths of pain unlike anything Stephen King could dream of - I got up!
Now, though, see now - goodness they made me doubt myself. Then I remember...I remember why I resisted therapy and psychiatrist. Why I would not cast a net of blame. I remember! Nope, where I am now. Living large in Malone's finest housing projects. The property manager believes if one tenant is scum we are all scum. Her letters are rude, over the top mean spirited, disrespectful - she is something.
"Dogs must be on a leash at all times. At all times. All the time."
Heard you the first time. I am disabled but not due to deafness.
Here, no don't reckon this was such a good idea. In theory it is the right decision. On paper, as they say...that is why we play the games.
Wish it were but a game. It isn't. I am not a child. But yes, there are too many triggers here in Malone. In the summer when leaves are blooming, flowers flowering, sky rich blue as far as you can see. Then it is easy to keep your eyes averted. So much beauty to inhale. Ah, but it is this fall season. Tricky little thing old fall is. Last week we had the nicest day since I've been back. Next night it was spitting snow. Look out your window this morning. WOW! Sun is bright, sky blue, geese sending a shout out to all their peeps on the street. Put your hand on the window. Oh shucks, it is cold. It will warm up and it is going to be a lovely fall day. Lots of sun, temps in the 60's. Nice day. Mr. Sunshine only works part time in fall and winter. He must have a great union. Have not been through winter in a long time. I might be a little worried. Nothing to worry about. I am lucky. I don't have to go out. Winter is hard when you have to get up, shovel, clean off the car, start the car, let it warm up, shovel again and then you can leave for work. Shoot, just getting to work is a job. I know I am lucky. I have a room with a view and no place I have to go.
Makes me feel guilty. I do. Nope, I did not ask for this. Not on my to do list...fall down, don't get up so you can go on disability move back to Malone, spending winter laughing as everyone else your age goes to work.
Giving me too much credit. My mind does not bend spoons. Nor does it alter the path of an unseen student hurling into my leg. This time I could not stay up.
That is all I am searching for. Why was it that this incident, I have been through worse, so why couldn't I get up and stay up? I had everything to lose.
Keeping an open mind. Now with nothing so I have nothing to lose I went to talk therapy lady. She can't help me. Why? Because I am "just a drug seeker" whose learned coping skills stack the odds against me 9-1. If it were easy it wouldn't be me. Right!??
Sure I can still go every week to sit in her office for 45 minutes. She will "encourage" me and there will be "no judgement." Yeah, I think if you say "no judgement" you might have already made up your mind.
But angry - Ooh Talk Lady did get angry when I said this is not how my life should be.
Snapped her chair around, rolled it closer to me, and gave me a discourse of "What should be." Turns out my Talk Lady (who I genuinely like)she was hob knobbing with rich and famous folk down there in NYC - Broadway was her canvas. Impressive! Something happened. She was hurt badly, (3 surgeries and a plate in her neck), I don't know how she incurred these injuries. Must have been awful. From Broadway's warm glow to stark white in Peru, NY. She wins!
I didn't get up. My inability to get up cost me my family, my career, my athletics, my home, my state, and yes, some sanity. But seriously she wins.
OK, Talk Lady is not going to help. Psychiatrist is not going to help. Mental Health? Isn't that about helping people...No, see and this is what I forgot but now remember - Mental Health is about judging, labeling, blaming. I don't do judging - we all do the best we can with the tools we have. Who am I to judge anyone? Exactly! Labeling; No can do. Spent over 20 years erasing labels other people slapped on children. Confining them to low expectations and giving them excuses to fail instead of reasons to succeed. Nope, labels are not my thing. Blaming, sorry I do not play the blame game. Yes, I am hard on myself. I have high expectations. And why is that a bad thing? I don't get that either. Why is setting goals, having dreams - then working to achieve your goals and dreams, Ya know; never giving up or giving in. Never losing HOPE! This is a bad means of coping - because why? I understand, I am hard on myself. Somebody had to be. It would have been much easier to give up a long time ago. No one would have blamed me. 
"Poor child" they would say.
"Poor child look at what she has endured, no wonder she can't walk."
No, it sucks yup! Yup, triggers suck! It happens. Breathe through it, do something else, go for a walk, keep busy, write...I know.
I only want to understand why I could not get up this time. Not a lifetime, just this time.
Alas, no. There are no answers. So symbolically and literally - they both did.  Turn their chairs around, their backs to me;
"Your just a drug-seeker." and
"I will encourage you, no judgement." I must add these to my all time favorite dis's. No not dishes, Ya' know from our days back in hood - Dis's. I have been dis'ed!
How silly of me, thinking mental health professionals might offer me a path to a truth I have not found on my own. Or given me a little guidance of how I might get there. Gosh Lisa, you really are quite simple minded. Silly girl.
Yes well, Mommie always said I had too much faith in the goodness of others, it was my greatest quality and my eternal curse. And you know me; If Mommie said it, it is right!
Don't give up on me. With or without the assistance of mental health professionals, I will keep digging, and writing - sharing with you my deepest fears, wants, needs along with my inch by inch crawl as I learn to walk again. Not yet, don't give up on me...not yet. I have not given up on you. Why I keep writing. Even when what I am writing is difficult subject material.
Should I put a warning in the title box: WARNING: The Following Material May Be Too Disturbing For All READERS. Proceed With Caution!What do you think?
Thanks for listening.