Our Common Journey

     I wish I had uttered this phrase - the credit goes to Michelle - I have been thinking on it for a whole day; digging away,  attempting to find truth.
     The phrase itself conjures up a picture of moving sidewalks. Stand to the right. Walk to the left. All of humanity is on the moving sidewalks. The millionaire and the teacher. The police and the criminal. The fulfilled and the searching. There are forks in the sidewalk, ups and downs - you choose which way you go - however we ultimately end the same way.
     From our birth until our death, all of humanity is on this common journey. No matter what you do with your time here, day will come when your time here ends. It is just a fact. Not a sad fact or a dramatic fact, just a fact.
      Lord knows I think too much. I would give anything to shut my mind off. Reckon going on disability, moving to Malone, living with constant fuxxing pain. It can wear a girl out. The dramatic poetess in me writes boring diatribes. They are all just words. Writing them helps get the hamster to slow down.
     Yes, in the past couple of weeks I have examined ending my journey. As I said, I scream at God; "What more do you want from me." I promise I would not take my life.
     I believe in heaven. When God calls me home I get to be with Mommie and Little Gram again. That idea is what keeps me here. For I know that ending my life would end my chances of seeing Mommmie and Little Gram again.
     Most folks believe in something bigger than moving sidewalks. We believe when the time comes and we go out that heavy plastic door there is something, or maybe not. Maybe the end is just the end. We don't know. Nobody knows. Scholars can write books. College students can have grand debates. Children can go to religious schools - No one knows.
     This makes our journey all the more common. Everyone of us are on the moving sidewalk. Closer and Closer to the heavy plastic end. Yet, not one of us knows what is behind those heavy plastic dividers. Not one of us gets to peek. Yeah, folks talk of seeing the light - I myself hovered over myself - We have human experiences. We have no idea what the end is. This fact makes us all the same. We are all the same. No matter what we believe waits for us; we are all going to pass through those sheets of plastic - and that is that.
     Eileen and I both agree we would rather believe in heaven, do what we need to so we can get there - than to be wrong when the end comes.
     Think of it though - the man living under the 101 freeway is exactly the same as the man living in a 50 room mansion. The quilt of humanity has many different pieces of fabric but they are all the same - they are all pieces of fabric. From the moment we are born until we die - we share Our Common Journey. After that who knows.
     Yes, I am struggling right now. I don't even know the person inhabiting my body. I don't know where Lisa is. I know I am loved. I know I am respected. I know I am needed. I know I don't have to be alone - I know I need to get myself back. I am trying. I just don't know where I have gone. There may be yet another level on this moving sidewalk. Perhaps the next fork will bring me back.
     I won't quit. I won't give up. Though my eyes appear dead, remember they are not Lisa's eyes. Lisa's eyes are twinkling with laughter. I am trying best I can. I live minute by minute. This, this existence is excruciatingly painful. No longer can I tell where one piece starts and another ends. I won't stop working and searching and praying until I find me. The person who exits through that heavy plastic "end", will be called home by God. I believe in heaven.