In the last seven days I have slept maybe 20 hours. It is driving Zuko crazy. I am not doing anything, well I am doing something, I am thinking. Thinking and looking - examining and dissecting trying to find how I lost everything. Haven't spent seven days like this before. I live minute by minute. Constant in my mind; just kill yourself and get it over with or you can't kill yourself it is a sin. It is a real active battle.
I cannot figure out what happened. How I went from an intelligent, successful, outgoing person to this thing I am now. I am not even human. I am insane, clinically insane. I don't know why? Was I always insane? Was the insanity lying dormant until a fuse was lit? How could I have done so much being so crazy?
I took a months worth of Percocet in 2 weeks. That is like 10 pills a day. I don't remember doing it. I remember one day I took three - I think about and think about it and I can't remember anytime I took more than 2, except that one day I took three.
I lose time. Do something and have no memory of doing it. I cook in the middle of the night and I am not aware of it. I am off balance again. Fell in Price Chopper, Then that day I was pulled over by the police. I am afraid to drive. I am afraid to answer the phone. I am afraid to leave my house.
How did this happen? Seriously, I am typing and it appears I am logical and articulate - so there are some things not broken. Yet, so much of who I was is gone. Where did I go? Where is the funny class clown? I have done some reading on nervous breakdowns and such. Psychiatric disorders lying dormant until an event triggers them. But seriously - this is me. I am strong, resilient, ever hopeful, I revise history so it is all about what was good and fun. People depended on me. People came to talk to me. Text message is about all I can do now.
Aldona Mae and I have not spoken since father's day. Nothing, not a word. She sent me a beautiful card, a gift - she sent some things to Eileen to give me. If anyone told me day would come when Aldona Mae and I would not talk to one another I would have said you were crazy - turns out I am crazy.
This is no way to live. A few nights ago I sat in the kitchen, smoked two packs of cigarettes, drank a 6 pack of Mt. Dew, watched the sun rise. I do not know why - I do not know what is wrong with me or how it became so wrong.
I sure took the wrong turn somewhere. I search, look, think - I examine, contemplate, meditate, pray - Spent 400 dollars in Walmart. Drove home, brought the stuff inside - and at some point later on looked at all the Walmart bags and wondered how they got in the house.
What is wrong with me? What is this craziness? I am confused, scared, holding on by a thin thread - one minute at a time. One day your holding life by the tail. The next day you don't even know what day it is. Sometimes I go to the bathroom at night and I walk real quiet so I don't wake up Liz and Em. One day I looked at the clock it was 7:20, Liz and Em were not up yet, I ran upstairs to wake them up - then stood there trying to figure out where I was.
When I do go out I see people who look like people from CA. I consciously have to tell myself I am in Malone, NY. When I do sleep, waking up I have to look around, I have to think about where I am - literally think about it because I have no idea. I don't know. I am seeing a head shrinker. Meds haven't worked obviously! I go to the talk lady - No one can tell me what is wrong. PTSD, social anxiety, agoraphobia - What does this mean? Is this it? Is this the rest of my life? All the physical ailments I have can't one of them do their thing and kill me? They were suppose to. I wasn't suppose to live to see 50.
Gotta tell ya' boys and girls I am a little bit scared. The unknown is always scary. Doing things you don't remember doing - that is scary. I have had my share of bruises, nothing like this. Even after Mommie died and I sat without speaking for a few days - I got up, moved back to CA - that was 23 years ago. For me nothing could be worse than taking care of your Mom as she is dying before your eyes. Seeing her fade away just a little at a time. Knowing the look in her eyes telling me she was going - and I look at those three years as the best in my life. Being able to give back to a woman who loved me like her own, gave me a home, a family - what would have happened if Mommie and Daddy Pat hadn't taken us - It was awful. It is the best thing I have ever done in my life.
Well at least my craziness matches my crazy cat lady hair. I finally grew into this untamed mess. See I am still here -
Thanks for listening. Sometimes if I write down all the hamster thoughts it gets them out of my head and I can rest maybe even sleep. Night.
No comments:
Post a Comment