Never Gave Up

     Though my life has led me down many a rocky road I never gave up.  Though I know all to intimately death and loss, I never gave up. When times were tough - I became stronger. I am proud of that. There are many whose suffering is far worse than mine. I pray for them. My vocation, teaching special education; they once referred to them as the throw away children - I am proud of what I did. I have been a good daughter, sister, friend, citizen - My resume will show as many failures as success', I am proud of that. I never gave up. When my health began to fail I fought. 20 years I taught, played, laughed, loved, lived - in spite of the pain. There is nothing extraordinary about me or my life. I can honestly say I did my best and I don't have big regrets - a few little ones.
     Don't linger in the past. My revisionist history is filled with happy memories, all those who have loved me, cared for me, been with me - for a girl who lost her mother at birth I have many mothers. A girl whose biological sister hasn't spoken to her in 25 years or so - I have many sisters. The guidance counselor, Sister Grace, she told me to get a job at McDonald's because I would never make it through college. A bit late, but yo' sista, I have a Masters Degree!
     Today I sit here with you - putting the raw truth of my life right out there - I have cried almost non stop for a week. Smile for the camera though! I pray God to take me home. I beg him. I scream at him - "What more do you want from me?" Faith, spirituality,  my duct tape. Believing always there was a right and a wrong. Knowing the difference and making a choice. Believing, one day, God would take me from this Earth and I would sit with those who are waiting there for me.
     I have tried to kill myself. Though in comparison I now see those attempts as attention seeking; needing something and not knowing how to ask.
     At 8:03 am, on September 17, 2008 I died. An industrial accident took me away from everything I believed. While I was finally where I knew God would lead me - In love, being a mother, great school, beautiful colleagues - The place I was at 8:02 am, on that day...that was the place my years of faith, hope and prayer led me. The place I knew I could get to if I kept trying. It was my belief in God's kindness, in his goodness, in his power - I was living proof a person can overcome if they hang on to hope. If you keep trying, if you keep your heart open - I was evidence of the power of love.
     After 8:03 drop by drop I bled. Paper pushers, and uncaring number crunchers, people just too damn lazy to do their jobs - drop by drop - piece of broken glass one after another. I have held on a long time. My hands are raw. Piece by piece, drop by drop - I sit here this morning regretting that I woke up. Having prayed God would have mercy and take me home.
     There is a reason for this - I have to believe that. God has not forsaken me - I must believe that. I would end my life - but I don't want to hurt anyone more than I already have. People would mourn. Some folks would lament they should have done this or done that - suicide has nothing to do with anyone else. It really is between an individual and whomever their higher being is. There truly is nothing anyone can do -
     I am so tired. I smiled through my tears. I stood up every time life knocked me down. Now, 50 years old. My body ravaged with physical pain - my mind so worn - my soul so sad. I know I am loved. I know I could call any of 100 people and they would do anything they could to help me. I am so tired! I did the "right" thing my whole life - I am an addict, alcoholic - I am also a teacher, friend, daughter, sister, human - And I am lost.
     What do we do now? With the 20 0r 30 years left? What are you suppose to do? I wasn't suppose to live this long. "You'll be lucky to see 50." I lived just to prove arrogant doctors wrong!
     My legs are weary from climbing so many mountains. I still scream; "What else do you want from me?"
     I love Shel Silverstein - The Giving Tree, Where The Side Walk ends, Trina Paulus Hope For The Butterflies.  I believed, and I did the work, I did not miss any of the workouts - I want to do the right thing. Even now, crying my stupid eyes out like a fool - My body hurts, my mind hurts, it is physical, it is emotional - It is a thousand pounds of feathers - one by itself seems like nothing, it is just a feather - brush it aside. If it were only one?
Piece by piece, drop by drop - I never gave up, I guess until I do. I am trying. I am sorry. Who this person I have become - who is she? How did this happen? Piece by piece, drop by drop.