Learning to Walk

     That is what I am doing...literally and figuratively. I am learning to walk without a limp. The left side of my body is breaking apart. Having carried the load for five years, it is toast. I have to concentrate - push past pain - learn to walk, head up, stomach in, straight back; one foot in front of the other.
     Emotionally I am attempting the same feat. Learning to walk without crutches. I am not sure exactly what that means. Back and forth I go. Goodness I long for the tightly wound Lisa who controlled her life - this version of me sucks. Feeling I have so little control. Then a burst of hope - then reality. I am so far from where I expected. Ours is not to question why; all we can do is try try try! (that little dude in Star Wars, "There is no try, there is do or do not." OK, Yoshi, or whatever your name is)
     What can I bring from "in-control" Lisa with us as we search for "Lisa - version 5.0?" At my core I know I am still me. My belief system, my faith, my humanity - though shaken, I still believe there is a reason for all this. Oh, yes, I yell sometimes at my God. Begging for a morsel of insight.
     My personality has not changed. I am intelligent, funny, shy at first(which is a good thing-if I unleashed my sarcastic martini dry sarcasm before people knew me somewhat-well it might not be pretty.) I am a dichotomous human being. Aren't we all? Who amongst can say I am always the same. I always feel the same way. No one who is honest. We all crash and burn. We all soar amongst cotton soft clouds. This is what makes us human - essentially, makes us us.
     What is the old adage? Judge a person when the chips are down, not when they are on a winning streak.
     When an animal is hunted its instinct for survival clicks in. Suffering a wound it may fall, it does get up, falls again. I got up, just could not stay up.
     Dr. Solsky, who treated me for 19 years, knows me pretty well I think. Well she believes I lost my
"over-achieving coping strategies" thus, standing naked in front of the classroom, I withered under white hot burn of constant pain.
     I ask though, can a person over-achieve? If you achieve something was it out of reach? It is an oxymoron, is that the word? Like "jumbo-shrimp"?
What a person achieves cannot be deemed over-achieving. Reckon it fits with that darn chicken or egg analogy she gave me, or the Monday morning quarterback - she knows me.
     Accepting myself, learning to walk, develop new patterns of thought - NO NO NO! It is just not suppose to be this way. 50 years of life have brought me to Malone's finest housing projects. NO NO NO!
     Every muscle in my body tells me to move. My feet stain my calves for want of motion. It is getting colder. Leaves are turning. It is fall. It is time for me to move to warmth. Head West to hot sun and cool nights. I can't run anymore. I am just learning to walk.
     Ya' know I am sorry for worrying y'all. My faithful 6 readers, and whomever else happens upon my nervous breakdown. It so helps me when I write. Knowing there are 6 of you who will probably read this sooner or later, I do try to consider your reaction. Goodness knows I am not attempting to worry you - don't be worried.
     Writing is how I set that darn brain hamster free. Thoughts, once on this screen, and published leave me. A new set of thoughts will not take long to fill the void. Until I write something down, I just masticate (a word actually in a scripted reading program I had to teach HS aged boys, fun), yup, that is what I do. Chew and chew and chew until I can't swallow. Better to release than choke.
     It is a roller coaster isn't it? I don't know, truly don't know. As Eileen says; "Your here now." So I am, so I am.
     Do you remember the last time you laughed so hard you cried, rolled on the floor, got the hiccups - laughed so hard your stomach hurt, couldn't breathe? Masticate on that. Until next time with all love and respect - me.