Betrayal

     I am not sure when I lost the understanding of all that I believed. I am not sure when I decomposed to such a point I was either disconnected or hopped up on pain meds. Looking back, there is a lot I don't remember.
     Often I say;
     "What I can't remember from my childhood must be horrific; because what I can remember is awful."
     This process - reintegrating. It is a lot of hard, emotional work. It has to be done. I existed in my Place of Peace. This is what I call it. Knowing I cannot change the past nor control the future - I rest in my place of peace. It worked...until it didn't.
     My mind meanders - that is no surprise. An old 8 mm film scratches, jumps, fades, and flickers. Images meld together. A picture forms. A memory becomes reality.
     Why I could not get up - I don't know. I have always gotten up. My life is a testament to resiliency. Yes, I wish it were not so. I am not better for my scars. It was what it was.
     Abusing pain meds as a form of escaping a reality I could not understand. That was not a solution. Crawling into a bottle, seeking to shut off my brain. And if by chance taking 15 Percocet and 5 Nucynta took me out - I was OK with that.
     When I was 9 years old I tried to kill myself. It was the first time - not the only time. Sitting here 41 years later I can't help but think;
    "I am not suppose to be alive."
     Yet, I know I am suppose to be alive. God certainly has made that clear. Now if he would point me in a direction. I am a good soldier. Give me my orders and I will execute them flawlessly.
     I have avoided this betrayal. Avoided the topic. It is an image growing more clear. It is a truth beyond tragedy. This betrayal is incomprehensible.
     This process is not about assigning blame. It is my search for understanding. Though we cannot change the past we do have to accept it - sometimes accepting truth sets you free. Other times it just hurts like hell.
    And thus, this betrayal I have avoided will not let me move forward. It is time to face this truth. This one hurts like hell.
     Y'all know I made a deathbed promise to Mommie; I would always take care of Aldona Mae. From her childhood, teenage years, adulthood...I did my best. After Mommie passed, I did more.
     Aldona Mae and I were so close - not really as it turns out. Just writing those words makes me cry. I was merely a puppet in her charade. She knew how to pull my strings.
     Not a matter of keeping score. Aldona Mae did a lot for me, it just wasn't free. Love should be free. The price was too high - but I always paid. I promised I would. As I said, I am a good soldier.
     When you are in the middle of a tornado don't reckon you can see what exists outside the wind and debris. Love should not be a tornado.
     All I did, all she did - mutual love and respect - was I really that blinded? Yes. Many a times others told me I was blinded. I did not deny it. Thought we were both blinded - kindred spirits brought together by love to be there for one another through good and bad times. Unconditional acceptance and love.
     Still I would believe that. It was not Aldona throwing me out. She did what she felt was right. She knew I wanted to die and she did not want to watch me kill myself. She did not want Jessica to see that. Aldona did the right thing. I should have left months before. I knew it. In my twisted reality I felt I needed to stay.
     No, that was not her betrayal. This was - driving to Greenville we passed a Chick Fil'A. Thought about stopping to eat there. I said no. As a corporation Chick Fil'A spent millions of dollars opposing equality for gay and lesbian marriage. The CEO did not hide his hatred and bigotry. Standing on his bible and family value platform he denounced our existence. No, I was not eating at Chick Fil'A.
     Jessica in the back seat kept with questions;
     "But why would he hate people he doesn't know?"
     Goodness the pure innocence of a child is often truth adults don't comprehend.
     As I turned to Jessica, I wanted to explain to here in more detail. It would be no more fair for her to boycott Chick Fil'A because of my views than it was of Chick Fil'A to condone such bigotry.
     Aldona Mae hushed me. Jessica doesn't need to know the details. What? You know gay, lesbian - she doesn't need to know all of that. I remember asking;
     "Doesn't Jessica know I am a lesbian?"
     "She doesn't need to know. She has to go to school down here. We live here." Aldona replied.
     Wow! It was a body blow I never saw coming. As we discussed it further I learned Aldona did not feel my relationship, my marriage to Liz was equal to her marriage to Robert. Nor was my love of Emily, as my child, valid. I should love Jessica, just Jessica.
     The hits kept coming. Then one day girl scouts were going to a play in Dallas. On the way they planned to stop at Chick Fil'A. As told to me by Aldona Mae - Jessica spoke up. She told the van full of bible thumping, conservative, bigoted, Christians - They could not eat at Chick Fil'A because the man in charge hated people he didn't know. Aunt Lee Lee said so.
     I was so proud of my Jessica Rose. 9 years old she stood up to her peers and adults because she listened and learned and believed all people should be treated equally. Of course Aldona Mae hushed her. Told her it would be alright to eat there just this once. She didn't want Jessica to say anymore. The words she used;
     "I was mortified, I thought she would say gay or lesbian."
     This my friends is the betrayal I cannot comprehend. No, Jessica does not know her Aunt Lee Lee is a lesbian. She knows I am a teacher, an athlete, a writer, a friend, a sister, an Aunt who fills in as a Grandma when need arises. She knows when I am there Mommie and Daddy yell less. She knows she loves me - She knows I love her. 
     I have never led with my sexuality. No more than I have with my hair color. I was 9 when I knew I felt different. Glad I don't have to be 9 again.
     My sweet Jessica Rose denied her voice. Denied knowledge - denied opportunity. And I, well, this betrayal erased 45 years of what I held as truth.
     Long before I fell down, long before I took a pill, long before I lost myself - I was denied by my Aldona Mae. You might as well have shot me in the head. That would have hurt less. As I said; This one hurts like hell.
     What do you do? Darned if I know. As shitty as I feel I worry about Jessica. She is a sensitive young girl. Kind, generous, insightful, she strives for perfection and lives to please adults - We know these symptoms. That is what they are, symptoms. The little girl who will do anything to gain approval, keep the peace, buries her voice - We know how this goes.
     No, Aldona Mae kicking me out, that was justified. Everything else was betrayal. What do you do? What do I do?
     If you happen to read this Aldona Mae...perhaps you will find an awakening. You don't have to let me go, turns out you never held me.
    It is I who held you. Betrayal like this hurts like hell. It is not too late for Jessica - You know how it feels, spending your whole life striving for perfection, acceptance - You betrayed yourself. You betrayed me. Don't betray Jessica.
     Yup, it does hurt like hell.