Limbo

Limbo is no place for me...I am not here and I am not there. Application for disability is in limbo. Workers comp pushed back final settlement date, limbo. Not where I want to be yet I can't go where I want to because I am in limbo. Limbo sucks! There is a life out there which once was mine, events transpired and in limbo I now exists. I realized this morning, I ont know how much I am physically ill and how much I am emotionally ill. I am exhausted. I know that. I know I need to move forward because movement is life. When did my life no longer become mine...oh yeah, 8:03 on September 17, 2008. That was when a student hit me in my right knee. My life has not been the same. What in the world happened? The whole system is messed up. It is a tornado which has swept me up. I am swirling above what was my life, the more I fight the tighter the grip this BS has on me. Chin up and positive thoughts. I have kept them & kept them. Just when it appears a light is at the end of this tunnel, someone throws a shovel of dirt over the hole. I will keep fighting! I am stubborn. Sometimes that is not a good thing...now, during this time, being stubborn has been an asset. I am tired though. I am tired of waiting to get on with my life. I am exhausted! I am not a quitter. I won't quit now, there is appoint though when I can't continue in this state of limbo. Now my plan is to design a plan which will outwit the paper pushers. Is it possible to disappear? I don't sleep well on Saturday nights because I am already thinking about Monday. I don't sleep well on Sunday because Monday is here. Them after a day of work I don't sleep well because I am in pain. By Friday I am so exhausted I crawl into my bed at 4:00. Oh, I'm sorry I don't like whining! It sucks. I know this is only a moment in the entirety of my life...I also no the entirety of my life is getting smaller and smaller...and this is wasted time. I don't like wasting time. It's the Virgo in me...no wasting time. Work and work and work and work and finally either "they" will finish their BS or I will just walk away from it all. I want my life back. I want control of my life back...by golly it is going to be mine - one way or another my life has to come back to me, because, well, a person should at least have the right to say: "Yeah my life is a real mess, and I made that mess myself!" this mess, this shadow of my life, I did not make this mess.