What to do what to do?

Since I was around 9 years old I started writing down my thoughts. What I haven't lost I still have. Being a teenager makes you say some things that are so ludicrous...sometimes, normally when I am looking for some thing I need i read a page or two. Teenagers are not responsible for their actions. Writing has been a constant and dependable friend. A few moments ago a thought came to me...I am not happy. No matter what turn I have taken over the past 4 years, it has been the wrong one. So I haven't written a lot because I'm the strong one. I'm the one who overcomes the obstacles and moves forward. I'm the one whom you can depend on for a good laugh, a good hug, or a shoulder to lean on. Except right now I am not that person. I don't know if I ever was. At such an early age I learned to take care of others. Be seen not heard, and don't cry, don't let them win. I gotta tell ya folks I am one broken down and tired person. As I was thinking I kept asking myself; "How did I get here?" well fool you made bad choices. it is a simple answer. So now I need to fix it. I need to fix me. I looked online at all the "How to be Happy" books - I have read most of them. My brother Scotty often said if everyone on the street hung their problems on their clothes line (yes, there are places where people hang their clothes on a clothes line...and when you climb into a bed made with fresh off the line sheets, ah - that my friends is bliss.) Anyway, if you checked out everyone else's problems - you know like had a problem viewing street festival, maybe a BBQ, and some lemonade - well, Scotty said you would go back and take your own problems off your line. There is someone who has it worse than me being my point. For several years here in Cali we had "Our Gang." Donald, Jessie, Aaron, Michelle, Diego, Trish, Shari & I. We rented an RV and went to the Grand Canyon. On your birthday you chose what you wanted to do, and we all did it. We spent a lot of time together. Where there was one of us, another was not far away. We all worked together. We were the reality of the TV show friends. Time moved on, everyone went in their directions with wife, kids...I guess they grew up. I thought I had that with Liz. I was wrong. Now being here in Cali is not so much fun. That group of people were my family, my life...reckon I gotta get my own life now. Liz moved on. No looking back for her. My neck hurts from looking back. I know I need to look forward...and all the stuff currently out of my control will end. I'm not looking at living another 20 years here. I know that. But gosh I don't want my last years to be sitting in the dark cause the light hurts my eyes, with my leg twitching, and a silent stream of tears running down my face. I do not believe that is me. Maybe I am not a barrell of laughs but I loathe self-pity. I need to learn "The Way of THE ZUKO" Live in this moment, well not this exact moment because I feel rather crappy right now. I would scream but no one would hear me and it would only scare ZUKO. He is a sound sleeper. I do believe time will help put some stuff back in place. Then I will need to get out my toolbox and get to working on repairs. It is hard when you wake up and finally realize the life you thought you were going to live isn't going to happen. The construction has to start all over again. The destruction is a mess all around you. Man, I don't envy me right now. I don't even like me right now. Shoot I don't recognize me right now. It's onward we go. That is all we can do. Grab your backpack and move forward. My backpack has been misplaced, I will find it. I do miss those days with the gang. They have all made their lives what they sought, though everyone has BS to deal with they are happy. I remember what that feels like. Just need to find the roadmap forward to there.