Square One

So after 22 days in the hospital - having undergone every test known to mankind...been poked and prodded by specialist after specialist...undergone a hideous brain operation I sit here tonight right back where I started - in pain, exhausted, dazed and confused - Neurosurgeon has done his work; it didn't work or fix what is ailing me - However, he is a cutter and his cutting is done.  What he removed the andonema/cyst, didn't fix anything - good to have it done, needed to have it done - eventually it would have caused problems of its own.  I am deflated.  Would have rather they found a big old brain tumor which they could remove.  Then I could heal.  Then I could move on with my life.  It is in the patent's bill of rights - every patient is entitled to a diagnosis, course of treatment options, and a prognosis - My rights have been violated.  The doctors who treated me use words like enigma, anomaly, medical mystery - Even suggested I go on that mystery diagnosis television show - Poopy said it best; "That is why they call it practicing medicine." They are practicing, I am the practice court with the ball bouncing all over me.  Please forgive me this night of frustration; As I continue to feel worse, as I continue to wonder "What the hell is going on?" As of right this moment what I know for certain is that God believes in me, God loves me...God has always provided for me.  He has always brought me the gifts of love, friendships, strength, humility, family, and one stubborn mentality.  For certainty I know I am loved by so many people - I know for certainty I am loved.  OK, I know for certainty that on this night I am frustrated.  Oh, and this will pass - Tomorrow the sun is going to come up, and despite how I feel right now, tomorrow is going to be better - I will find a way to get to the next step, then lift my bad old leg and I will get up that step.  I don't know what's up there - I do know I will take that step! It is difficult to comprehend how very much scientist can do - the amazing feats of doctors, science, medicine - I hear enigma, anomaly, mystery; believe Lisa, keep believing.  My glass is overflowing, there is a reason for all of this.  Reckon I would rather God told me what it was - that is not his plan...Don't know his plan, I trust him though.  I trust him without question, without doubt, without any reservations.  It is to him I give myself completely.  It is in his hands I rest.  Tonight's frustration will pass.  I still have a paper to write (gosh that paper is heavy) Just get R done goofy! I am looking forward to celebrating my 30 year high school reunion.  FB has brought the class of 81' back! I am looking forward to seeing people I have not seen in, well, in 30 years - that should be cool.  Then a week with my family in the beautiful mountains of North Carolina Mountains.  That is going to be great!  My nephew is going to teach me how to drive a boat - I don't know how, cool - cross it off my bucket list; well, first I added it to my bucket list, then I will cross it off my bucket list.  I enjoy spending time with Rosie, Herbie, Maggie, and Patrick - Poopy and Jessica will be there - Oh, goodness how great will that be? And I am going to see Bug A Boo and meet her husband, finally! Spend some time with them.  All of these wonderful things I have to look forward to - silly me, being frustrated or deflated - waste of my time.  Obviously, the doctors "practicing" on me need more practice - then the next person who comes along will not have to be "practiced" on quite so much - perhaps their quest for treatment will become much easier.  Hey somebody has to jump in the pool first, you know test the waters.  Too bad I wasn't more photogenic, that would increase the chances of getting on Mystery Diagnosis - Though, tell me, if your doctor is suggesting you go on a reality TV show, wouldn't that make you a bit nervous - Nah, wait, YES! Yes, it makes me a bit nervous.  My dear friend Lynn drove me to the doctors today - rush hour traffic on a Thursday - there she was picking me up and bringing me home, giving me a hug when I could not hold back my tears.  See, a gift right there, right then! They (doctors) may never find out what is causing me to be sick.  Maybe I will have to wait until I am sitting at his table before I know what exactly, within my body, did me in - So I have to wait, Waiting is not my best skill, Oh well, what'cha gonna do.  I am going to watch Syracuse win the Div IA Lacrosse championships this weekend, finish my paper - make a dish of macaroni salad - it is one of my specialities.  I can't tell you the secret ingredient, trust me though, my Mac salad kicks butt! Oh with some Glaziers hot dogs - MMMMMM! Say a prayer tonight for all those who lost so much during the hurricanes, tornadoes, flooding etc.  Say a prayer for those who lost their lives, and for those who survived - we, the survivors, we hurt more for those called home are so blessed.  When we mourn, it is for ourselves, for the hole in our own hearts - and we pay tribute and pay our respects by getting up and living fully! Crying tears changes nothing - they will flow, just don't make puddles with the tears! Make a pool and go swimming! Tired though, now I am, emotional ups and downs do make us seek sleep - off in that direction.  Thank you to each of you who take the time to read my silly words and idle meandering thoughts - knowing someone reads makes me feel good - Ya' just never know when the choice you make will make a difference in someone else's life; don't be afraid to reach out, reach up, reach back - Don't be afraid! Tomorrow is going to be a great day (I've got to finish that paper) Y'all have a great day or night, depending on when you read this - know I love you, even if I don't know you and you randomly googled your way onto this blog - you anonymous reader, yes you too I love - now go forth and commit an act of kindness, say a prayer of thanks - raise your voice in praise to God, chuckle - skip, buy a fudgicle or an ice cream on a stick (but don't touch the wooden handle) Night!