Weakness

Alcoholics are weak. Drug addicts are weak. People who are overweight are weak. Hoarders are weak. Compulsive gamblers are weak. Mental illness only occurs in weak people. Depressed people are weak. Hypochondriacs are weak. The world is filled with weak people. Fibromyalgia is not a real disease. RA occurs in people who are inactive and weak. Let me speak for me - As a child I endured sexual, emotional and physical abuse - yet I thrived, I am weak. In high school the guidance counselor told me to find a vocation because I would never make it through college - I earned my Bachelors Degree with two teaching credentials, I am weak. After battling breast cancer, her children spread around the country, my mother asked me to return from CA to NY because she did not want to die alone. I did just that. I worked as a teacher (thanks to Eileen). I took care of my mother. I bathed her, cooked for her. I took her to the Dr's. I took her to chemo. I stayed in the hospital with her. I delivered the eulogy at her funeral - I am weak. My grandfather and father died within six months of each other. My mother, brother, and grandmother died within 4 years of each other. I moved forward, I am weak. Diagnosed with lupus I taught children with special needs for 27 years, I am weak. I earned my Masters Degree during which I spent 22 days in the hospital, I am weak. During that hospital stay I was given the incorrect medicine, it was slowly killing me. As my body left me, floating there in that hospital room, I looked at myself - then I looked at my sister, Aldona Mae - after flying from Texas she came right to the hospital and stayed with me every night. I could not allow her to wake up and find me dead. I forced myself to hang on to life, I am weak. When the nerves in my right leg were ruptured the next day I went to work, I am weak. When my body told me to stop I played golf, softball, and volleyball. I coached football, softball, soccer, basketball - I am weak. My life is a testament to my weakness. Over and over again I fell down. Time after time life threw me the change up, I am still here because I am weak. At 49 years of age, still young, still wanting - I retired on disability. I  could no longer provide my students with the quality of education they deserved. I could have lagged out the next few years. Retired with a lot more money. I could have phoned in the education of my students - I didn't because I am weak. Six years ago, waking up with the worst hangover I realized I was an alcoholic, I have not had a drink since, I am weak. The great debate over the last few years has been my use of pain medicine. Yes, for a time I took more pain medicine than I needed. I did some goofy and at times dangerous things, I was weak. I fixed that problem and took my pain medicine responsibly, enough to ease my pain, I am weak. I should just get moving. I should live with the pain. Push through - stop being weak. Pain keeps me awake most of the night. I have headaches that force my right eye closed and cause the right side of my head to swell, don't take pain medicine - don't be weak. I know I am being sarcastic and bitter. No one likes sarcasm or bitterness. No one knows my pain. At every joint my fingers hurt while I am typing this. With my right eye half closed I know an ice pick, or atypical thunderclap migraine headache is coming on - took some OTC migraine medicine. It hasn't worked yet but I don't want to be weak. I am sincere when I say that. I don't want to be weak. I also don't want to be retired/disabled at 49. I do want to play softball again, I want to teach, I want to coach, I want my family back, I want my life back. If I was not so weak I might have all those things. My weakness has cost me a lot. Taking medicine, any medicine which helps alleviate my pain - medicine that quells the symptoms - medicine that allows me to get up and moving when I heard the morning bird's serenade...I don't want to be weak. I don't want to die. I don't want to live in this pain. I don't want to disappoint. So I ask you, anyone? What do I do? How do I find the strength? I have faith. I live on hope. I believe in my power to overcome - what I have now - these diseases and injuries - impinged nerves, compressed discs, SLE...and so on. They are not going away. I have fought over 20 years - lived fully, richly, happily - I did not take pain medicine. I am tired. My strength, my mind is strong - except that short term memory loss which sometimes occurs - Tell me! Am I weak if I take prescribed medicine which does improve the quality of my life? Am I weak? Opinions, everyone has one. Come on share. What would you do? Let me be clear - I would never have accomplished anything in my life if not for the support of my family and friends. If not for the love and kindness of so many people I would not have thrived. I am still processing, and grieving, the events of the past four years. I am still adjusting to this rapid decline in my health. When one Dr. says you won't make it six months and another Dr. says you will be lucky if you live to see 50 - well I am 49. It does scramble your brain (which in my case was already scrambled by supposedely the best neurosurgeon on the planet.) It is because of love that I exist. I was having a conversation with a colleague one day. She asked me what made me such an effective teacher with such difficult children. I explained to her that I understood where the children were coming from because I had a similiar childhood. She asked me a question which, at the time seemed odd to me; She asked me; "How did you learn love." I replied; "I have been loved since the moment I was born." I don't measure my life by what I have overcome - I measure my life by the love that carried me when I could not walk. The love that carries me everyday. Certainly God's love has been ever-present. But it is the love of my family, my sisters, my mother and father - my friends. Mentors, teachers, counselors, colleagues, students - goodness my life when measured by love is an extremely wonderful life (my favorite movie.) Though my questions about weakness seem sarcastic and bitter - perhaps even words of self-pity, that is not my intention. They are words of my reality. However, my reality is also one filled with love, hope, faith. Without my family and friends I am nothing. Everything I am has been etched with love. That God laid my life's plan with crosses to bear and challenges to overcome - I am not the only one. We all have beared crosses and overcome challenges - Goodness there are so many people I personally know who have overcome much more than me. I write what I feel - what I feel is subject to change. I am at a crossroads in my life - not at all what I expected or wanted; It is what it is. Yet I am not standing here alone. I know I am loved. The actions of family and friends have humbled me. The extremes they have gone to, all to help me - in the name of love. My body is broken. My spirit is still strong. I have changed. Now I need to grow. Grow into the person I am to become - God is not finished with me yet. Obviously there is more work for me to do and I had to be brought to my knees so I could find the way back to my feet - then I can do what it is he needs of me. There is not one second of my day when I doubt how much people love me. Not one thing I have done or haven't done when I doubted how much love was in my life. My point on weakness - it just isn't always as it seems. Societal views are not always correct. Asking for, accepting help - that is not weakness. Oh, I have only confused myself and anyone who reads this. I do not feel sorry for myself - I am just at this crossroad.