Retirement

Ah, retirement...we work for 30 or 40 years so we will get to unplug our alarm clock. When people ask me what I do I tell them I am retired. That is not the truth. The truth is my body gave out and I was forced to stop teaching. Teaching is the best profession in the world! Sure, there are days when you bang your head against the wall. Then the day comes when you see the light go on in a child's eyes - you forget everything else! The day when you connect with a parent then watch as the child jumps leaps and bounds. Or you have an administrator who "gets it" and your life is made easier. Oh sure your bulletin boards must be up to date. Show current student work. Make sure the standards are clearly displayed and your lesson book is readily available. Oh yeah, and your schedule is visible. Christmas doesn't start until school is done - that is fine. Your internal clock knows when it is summer. You count down to testing - then you count down to summer. You spend your days trying to get the standard explained in terms every student can understand - then you spend your nights rethinking how to teach the same lesson another way. Teaching is a 24 hour job. During vacation you worry about who will be back. You can see in a child's demeanor in the morning line that something is wrong - and you become counselor. Sometimes you are an entertainer, sometimes you just have to be hard, and sometimes you just have to listen and console. If you have never taught you cannot begin to understand the challenge, the responsibilities, the influence you have, the privilege it is. Yes, teaching is the best profession in the world. 27 years I taught. My goal was 30 years. On a beautiful September morning that all changed. After that child fell into my leg...well nothing has been the same. Everything I lost cannot be replaced. Can't go back and have a do-over. So I am retired. Spent the summer in NY. Stayed with my sister Eileen. Came here to Texas. Staying with my sister Aldona Mae. Where is my home? I thought I might this meandering life. I don't! I am a nester. I like to build my nest and I stay there. 20 years at Tobinworld. 14 years in the same apartment building. 16 years playing with the same softball team. Donald my TA for 15 years. Eileen has been my best friend for 49 years. All evidence points to my need to find my place and stay there. Retirement...not my place. What do I do? Move forward. Movement is life. I have let down people I love. The years I spent being financially responsible are gone. I owe more money than I could pay back if I live to be 100. I asked in a previous blog where do I go? Where should I build my nest? No, the answer has not come to me. I have come a long way. I don't quit. I am stubborn. I reckon the answer will come to me. Or I will find the place where my nest should be built. Wherever I end up, someone will be disappointed. Someone will feel betrayed. At this point in my life - with my health failing - I don't know...I just feel I want to do what feels best, what feels right for me. Not to hurt anyone - just to find a place of peace and comfort. If the Dr.'s are right well it won't matter for so long. I don't believe Dr's. They lie. They deceive. They mess up and hide all of it. And the white coat code of silence, that is as strong as the blue line. I am open to suggestions. No, I was not ready to put up my chalk and unplug my alarm clock. In my belly the fire still burns to teach. What the mind wants the body won't give. Some things which were foggy are becoming more clear. Other aspects of my thinking is a hamster on a wheel. My work here is not done. My faith leads me to believe I have work here to do. God has a plan for me - I must find silence so I can here his words. The prayers, love, support, from my family and friends has been the box on which I have stood. Their kindness keeps me smiling and believing. More than ever in my life I have tried to pay it forward. I have tried to give more, in any way I could. Though the Dr's messed up everything with my leg and my brain - even though I wake up and don't know where I am - So what? I have more brain cells than that! Mountains have stood before me, I have climbed them reaching the amazing vista before me. No, this is not how I thought my life would be. I am too young. I am also too strong! Unlike Lance Armstrong I will not use PED's to make my comeback. I will use the lessons of my Mother, my family, my friends, my life experience, and my sheer will. For as long as I have breath I have hope. Where there is hope anything is possible. Yes, the truth is this is not how I wanted my life to be - yet, here I am. Nothing more to do than roll up my sleeves and find the path to wherever my nest is meant to be. I have quoted Mary Chapin Carpenter many times; "There is no such thing as not regrets, but baby that's alright." I am trying to do it the right way. You have my truth, no lies - just me raw, scabbed, scarred, but I can still dance! The ocean still makes me feel small and the Grand Canyon takes my breath away. Hearing the laughter of children on the playground tugs at my heartstrings, it still makes me smile. I am trying with all I have. Believe that!  I am in debt to so many wonderful people. I promise to live fully, completely, honestly...I promise you that. If you know me you know BS and drama are not in my repertoire. I am real. I am the me you have known, loved, respected, supported, carried - I am the me who will come back better. Please don't doubt that. Don't listen to noise, hear my pledge. Don't give up on me! I will not quit, surrender, regress - I will figure it out. I will do it the right way. This retirement is not of my choosing - Oh well, play the cards you are dealt. I think I have a royal flush!