The Four Corners

In our lives we come to The Four Corners. As youth the direction we travel is often dictated by our parents. Our peers then become the signal callers in our lives. When we reach adulthood it is up to us. We must make decisions regarding which way we are going to go. You can't see what is down any of the roads. You know where you came from. You could always turn  back - but as they say you can never go home again. The past four years of my life have been dictated  by illness and an extremely difficult breakup.  When I was injured at work everything changed. Not being in peak physical or mental condition I just went where people said I should go. I desperately wanted to save my relationship. It was too late. I wanted to go home, to Malone - but I was 20 years too late. I have stayed with my Poopy Sister. She and Robert have been so gracious - I just don't know if this is a long term situation. I have good days and bad days. Ideally I would like to spend summers in Malone and winters in Texas. Then I think of CA. I have lived there my adult life. I made a place there. I have a family there - yet those in my family have built their own families and have children and work...so I don't really fit in. Living on disability in CA would be hard. Though you can't beat the weather! Now I am at this four corners of my life. According to Drs. I should not be alive. I did not anticipate having to make decisions for the long term. There was great freedom in living for the moment. I did not worry about consequences or long term needs. The Drs. were wrong - they don't know me. The dont' know what I am capable of. They underestimate the power of love, determination, and sheer stubbornness. Here I am at these four corners, wishing I was anywhere else. Wishing I had a clear idea of what to do with the rest of my life.  I am going to grow old. In these years I want to live fully. Yes, I have some hard days. Days when bed is as far as I can go. It would be nice if I knew when those days were going to happen. It is difficult to plan anything if you don't know how you are going to feel. The past few weeks I have had that brain fluid draining into my sinus cavities. Goodness it taste terrible. Yet, some days I feel I can take on the world. It was 18 degrees below zero in Malone the other day - do I want to subject myself to such conditions? Each of my choices has pros and cons. I mull them over everyday. Drive myself crazy in doing it. As Mommie would say -"shit or get off the pot." This is where I am now. I must shit or get off the pot. None of us know when we will be called home. Our challenge and our gift is too live everyday as if it were our last. Completing our bucket list, so when we are called home we have few regrets. I did not realize how much teaching was a part of my being. I was a teacher. That was my first identity. I can't teach anymore. Some days I can't get out of bed to eat. Other days I can climb a mountain. If I was working I would be worn down and sick. I don't like waste. Am I wasting this gift? Standing here at the four corners I really don't know which road to take. Having lived my life with determination and purpose - well this is a strange spot to be in. I am lost but not alone. I need my nest. My own place to settle into. A place to spend the next 20 years. Where do I go to build my nest? NY, CA, TX? There is no clear answer - at least not that I can see. Where is that magic eight ball when you need it? Should I flip a coin? Follow my instincts, follow my heart - neither is currently producing any clear answer. The past four years have humbled me - the kindness shown to me is overwhelming. Poopy just takes me in. Eileen just takes me in. Lynn drove me from Dr. to Dr. Donald is just my everything man. When I feel this lost I talk to God and to Mommie; then I sit still, quiet my mind and listen for an answer - As of yet they are not responding. The Holidays are a busy time. Perhaps it will come to me soon. I know I need to do something. Then the fear creeps in. It has permanent residence in the back of my mind. My health will fail again. When it does where should I be? Perhaps I should be like a cat - go off alone. I consider all the people who love me and are pulling for me;I do not want to disappoint anyone. I have been such a disappoint to myself - reckon it is time I made some decisions. Standing here at the four corners...anyone know which way I should go? Of course I know, wherever I go there I am. That which ails my mind will travel with me. I don't know what to do. Many times writing helps clarify my thoughts. This time, writing only produces more questions than answers. Yes, we all come to the four corners - many times we stand year craning our necks trying to see what is down each road-there are no clues. You pick a direction. You travel that road until...you guessed it - you come to another four corners. This is living. It is the same for us all. Lucky are those who have built a life which has a clear road to follow. Lucky are we who have choices - If only we knew which choice was the right choice. Guess you just have to pick a direction and get moving...movement is life.