I Know This

I know this - it is more difficult to care for a sick loved one than to be the sick loved one. I know this because I have walked a mile in both pair of shoes. When I was caring for Mommie, I think I held my breath for the better part of three years. I wanted to do everything I could to make her comfortable and happy. I did not leave the house without hugging & kissing her, making sure to say "I love you." when I was out I picked up a treat for her...magazine, ice cream, candy bar, rag sheet - something, anything. When I returned I practically sprinted to her room, praying the whole way that she would be fine. I weighed 86 pounds when she passed. I slept in the hospital 24 straight nights. The one night I stayed home, she passed. I reckon she didn't want me there. If she just sneezed I panicked. Taking care of Mommie was difficult, it was also the best thing I have ever done. Dr.'s appointments, chemo treatments, blood transfusions, all of it scared me - all of it filled me with strength I never knew I had. There was the constant worry, the fear I wasn't doing a good job, or doing the right things. Sometimes she was so sick I wanted to take her to the hospital...she inevitably denied my urgings. Only one time did she let me take her to the ER. There were moments of great frustration. There were moments of deep connecting. She would be sick for days, just sleep-refuse to eat-then someone would come to visit, she would sit up, even get out of bed and go sit in the living room - all jovial, laughing and chatting. I'll tell ya I would get frustrated. I'm telling folks how sick she was & when they visited she was just fine. People must have thought I was nuts. I was happy she would get up & dressed for company, but I knew how hard it was for her. She was strong, stubborn, & didn't want anyone to know how she really felt. Unfortunately I find myself wearing the other shoes. I need help with daily living. Some days are good - some days are bad. I know the weight of caring for someone you love-it is darned hard...yet, you want to do it - and you want to be perfect. You strive to anticipate every need - yet you never feel your doing a good enough job. It is not for lack of trying, caring for a loved one is hard...yet there will come a day when you realize you have given that person the greatest gift - one day it will sink in, your love & care filled you as much as it filled the person you were caring for. And I'm a stubborn sucker! And I am sometimes angry - not exactly how I envisioned my life at 49! Yet I am humbled, for my Poopy Sister would walk a thousand miles to get me something I wanted. She keeps ice water in my cup, my favorite snacks on the end table - she anticipates my needs before I need them. I know I frustrate her. I sit up & chat when company comes... This is a big adjustment for a previously very independent woman. I plan to get better. I plan to prove the Dr's wrong. I believe I can heal myself - I am strong & stubborn! I have things left to do - now I'm up here in Malone...Eileen is wearing the caretaker shoes, Poopy is in Texas worrying about me so much more. I feel like crap for making so many folks worry. It is what it is - each of us doing the best we can...love is amazing! It empowers us to accomplish feats we would never thought of! I am humbled for the lengths my Poopy Sister has gone to for me. She is amazing. And Eileen, my Malone family - I am so blessed! I still plan on getting better, I'm just not done with my business here...I need to learn to ask for help, to accept help, and I need to keep fighting to do for myself. Keep fighting to get stronger, better. I know it is more difficult wearing the shoes of care provider. Especially when your dealing with someone stubborn as I am - I also know there are going to be moments of collosal frustration, and moments of peace...it's a moment by moment journey we are on, we will get through - love is a strong platform. I am blessed. Humbled, grateful, unmanageable how much kindness I receive every day - we are going to beat this. Ultimately, we are all going to learn valuable lessons - perhaps not in the middle of the storm...they are there. Life is truly amazing!