The issue I am having is finding a comfortable place to write. As of yet I have not found a comfortagle place to sit and write. That may seem silly, however, it is not. The outlets in this apartment are in odd places. The cable and telephone modem must be where they are - messes up my feng shui(sp). It does not help any having Zippity Do Dah helping me. He is not a good speller. All great dilemmas in my simple life.
That is comical isn't it? Wrestling with Zuko's kitten hinders my opportunity to write. We all should have it that good.
I see people...not dead people, people from my past. I will catch a glimpse of someome who resembles a CA person and just for a split second I have to do a reality check. The talk lady has a word for it. Positive thought directing. Look in the mirror. I remain me. It is other people who send me in the way back machine. It has been long enough. The "way back" moments should be farther apart.. By now I should be over it - why can't I move forward ? Why am I stuck in this limbo?
With a calm rational head I see clearly this "new life." It doesn't fit. You know when you buy new sneakers; how those first few days they are so uncomfortable. Then slip on the old pair and your feet do a happy dance. Wish I could slip on my old life. If it stayed down, the food, it the food would stay down I would be a happier camper. 'I have theses blisters in my mouth, on my scalp, in my nose, in the "down there" places. They hurt. This also stinks.
The talk lady says I need to count my blessings. Live in the present rather than lamenting my past. Well ya' know I have been counting my blessings my entire life. I have had pity party, table or 1 days. They were just that days. One here and there. Now I have panic attacks which last for hours. The latest medicine prescribed to help me through a panic attack gives me the "heebie geebies" Have you experienced Heebie Geebies? Imagine thousands of bees under your skin. The noise itself would be annoying. The sensation of the furry underbelly of a young yellow jacket woud be ecough. The continual "sting" of this bee or that bee - enough already. My ears are inundated with the buzz. (not the good kind of buzz one could achieve with a bit of pharmeutical assistance)
The talk lady questions my commitment to our time together. If she only knew how much effort it takes me to drag my sorry backside over there. Mentally I begin preperations the day before - the day of the appointment, though only 45 minutes long requires 45 hours of before and after time. Makes me question her commitment - listening to me whine about what I have lost, how my physical pain and my emotional pain morph into one giant monster pain- Teahing reality 101 SHOW UP! Showing up is an important part, no, it is a vital part of teaching. A me at 50% is better than a stranger at 150%. Questioning my commitment leads me to wonder if she is committed to treating me. Now,I have the great debate should I continue.
Reality is - I am tired! I am tired of a constant battle keeping this vessel of my life afloat. Each disease involves one group of healthy cells eating another group of healthy cells. My life is a clear reflction of this. I am my own worst enemy. I am in a position to relax - Finally able to rest when I need to - not having to push past the "malady" of the day lunch special. It does make an enormous difference. I am blessed because I can receive disability retirement. This is one battle I do not have to fight. There are so many folks praying for me. I talk to God. I ask him what he needs of me? I ask him what work he needs me to complete. I pray for inner peace. I pray for friends and family I pray and I pray and I pray. The summer rush must be especially busy.
I do not want people worrying about me. I do not want people to view me as a pitiful sad sack. I am not - I am a butterfly wrapped in my chrysills. In time I shall emerge. My wings still wet from mu mother's womb, my wings too heavy to fly - yet. Then in an instant, in a moment - stretching my wings I will fly. Forever searching, listening, pausing, waiting to hear his plan for me. Onward we go dannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
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